The Year of Living Biblically Part 32

75.

Nineveh now in, 83 war in, 75, 297 Isaac, 141 inexplicable near-sacrifice of, 109, 164, 197, 218.

Rebecca as pretended sister of, 144 Sarah's late-life conception of, 19,

20.

Isaiah: on being called forth from the womb, 308 on a cause of sleeplessness, 125 on his hypocritical followers, 192 on preaching good news to the poor, 65 on walking naked and barefoot,

88.

Ishmael, as first circ.u.mcision subject, 319.

Islam: images avoided by, 104 Ishmael as forefather of, 19 "Israel," meaning of, 53 Israel, modern: AJ's feelings on return from, 228-29 forbidden fruit grown in, 171-72 herding sheep in, 7, 204, 204, 211-12 persistent hospitality in, 303 Samaritans dodging political raindrops in, 217 211-12 persistent hospitality in, 303 Samaritans dodging political raindrops in, 217 security grilling before flight to, 209 sojourn with ex-uncle in, 220-25 some commandments observed only in, 214 teenage AJ in family visit to, 45 see also see also Jerusalem Jerusalem Israelites, ancient, 99, 123, 155 Christians who still believe in laws of, 254 comparing the G.o.d of Spinoza, Tillich, and the Jedi knights with the G.o.d of, 153 complex sacrifice rules of, 160 entering mind-set of, 50 explaining locust diet of, 176 immortality achieved through descendants of, 145-46 Jubilee law of, 63-64 lost tribes of, 217 menu marking of territory by, 170 modern views on barbarism of, 246-47 moral role of prophets among, 37, 88-89 oral laws pa.s.sed on to, and eventually written, 69 snail-made blue dye of, 180-81 t.i.thing system of, 38 Yahweh as boss of all G.o.ds known to, 183 Ivan (friend), 56, 64 Jackson, Jesse, 270 Jackson, Michael, 162 Jacob, AJ's biblical alter ego: attention-getting freakish look of, 88 biblical words spouted by, 99 byzantine payments to babysitter made by, 42 in clash with secular AJ over Rosario Dawson, 133-34 end time for, 329-31 ethnicity and piety observed in, 118 in Ezekiel's prophetic tradition, AJ hopes, 89 moral high ground occupied by, 42 prudish tendencies of, 129 referring to self in third person permissible for, 65-66 on secular freaks who don't get it, 201 split personality of, 42 strange behaviors seen in, 42 thinking of earth age using mind of, 107 "Thursday" avoided by, 42 update on appearance of, 180-82 Jacob (biblical), 9, 211, 339 Leah's son's dud mandrakes traded for a night with, 117 problems with firstborn son of, 230 thirteen offspring of, 159 wives of, 135 wrestles with G.o.d, is injured, and gets new name, 53 Jacob and Esau story, debated meanings of, 237-40, 316-17 Jacobs, A. J.: abstemiousness asked of, 231 agnosticism of, 4-5, 28, 38, 52, 67, 94, 192, 248, 329 anticirc.u.mcisionist reportage of, 317-18 beard of, see see beard beard Bible translation issues met by, 66 biblical alter ego of, see see Jacob, AJ's biblical alter ego Jacob, AJ's biblical alter ego biblical library tidily cla.s.sified by, 292 biblical seder conducted by, 233-36 at birth of twins, 314-15 cherry picking forbidden fruit facts by, 171-72 cold-turkey Sabbath observance of, 72-73 Jacobs, A. J. (cont.) (cont.) daily coveting list of, 26, 28 dances with Hasidim, 84-86, 214, 326 defoliation and return to old ident.i.ty of, 329-31 disappointing harp of, 167-69 encyclopedia book of, see KnowIt-All, The see KnowIt-All, The ends-justify-the-means thinking vs. rule-following of, 139 enumerated benefits in avoiding images by, 106 evolving beard and visage of, iv iv excessive eye contact as unnerving habit of, 115 excessive eye contact as unnerving habit of, 115 failed cuc.u.mber farming of, 165-66 Falwell singles group audited by, 260-61 first prayer of, 21 at gathering of G.o.dless, 96-98 at gay Christian evangelical Bible study group, 264-68 goat's milk, honey, Mediterranean food in favored diet of, 173 "G.o.d willing" often used in future-supplicative tense by, 236-37 G-rated curse words of, 282 G-rated s.e.xual history of, 129 gratefulness welcomed to other obsessions of, 268-69 guilt feelings signaling Jewishness to, 70 Israeli experience of, 220-28 in kaparot ritual, 160-65 libido stashed in deep freeze by, 285-88 lighter, spiritual white wardrobe of, 122 lingering stares drawn to exposed cash of, 197 l.u.s.t-proofing of apartment by, 129-30 lying, complaining, gossiping, unwholesome talk denied to, 99-101, 261 as more biblical than thou, 227-28 as "normal looking," 151 as now a reverent agnostic, 329 as officially Jewish, 4, 11, 335 one and only rabid fan of, 244 a partial list of times when he was right and Julie was not, 273-74 photographed, iv, 2, 44, 90, 120, 150, 184, 204, 226, 252, 300, 312 iv, 2, 44, 90, 120, 150, 184, 204, 226, 252, 300, 312 pretending to be a better person as a good first step for, 327 ram's horn blown with modest success by, 47 random facts still crowbarred into arguments by, 50 self-censors.h.i.+p of, 29 self-generated chukim practiced by, 148-49 self-Googling habit of, 151-52 sign of the cross made by college friend of, 255 smas.h.i.+ng idols felt urgently by, 70, 337 spiritual starting point of, 3-5 in Starbucks meeting with delusional other self, 7 sukkah built in living room by, 77-80 Times Square's Naked Cowboy out-gawked at by, 339 trendy OCD and germaphobia of, 36, 48-49, 149, 240-41, 285 tribal worldview of, 146 various things tefillin might remind him of, 199 weasel ex-roommate's debt forgiven by, 64 Jacobs, Arnold J., Sr., 142, 233 AJ's honoring of, 241-42 literalism in practical joke of, 290 mother's memories of family seders read by, 235-36 "no stealing" commandment followed to the letter by, 139-40 self-control of, 81 workaholism pa.s.sed on to AJ from, 71, 337 Jacobs, Beryl, 4 Jacobs, Ellen Kheel: AJ's honoring of, 242 AJ's near-teasing of, 242-43 emailed jokes and wacky etymologies of, 73, 242 Sabbath solutions offered by, 72 unexpected visit of, 316 Jacobs, Jasper: AJ on first-name basis with, 110 AJ's coveting on behalf of, 26 at bat mitzvah with AJ and his altered state, 325-26 Chicken Dance Elmo of, 20 deceitful strategems of, 55 denial of twins by, 316 enviable swaddling of, 199 medical traumas of, 188-89, 247 no more lies to, 55-56 parents perceptively aped by, 144-45 ratcheting up justice-to-mercy ratio for, 138-39 remembering circ.u.mcision of, 318-19 ritual chicken as epiphanic standin for, 164 sibling sought for, 18 tantrum style of, 55-56 t.i.thing's impact on, 37 uneven vocabulary of, 26, 144, 152 in War of the Bowling Pin, 278-79 worst disciplinarian needing help with, 39-41 Jacobs, Julie Schoenberg: AJ's greed, l.u.s.t, but some virtues exposed in honesty game of, 291-92 AJ's "Stuff" file revealed to, 274 a biblical a.s.sist and an AJ high from, 65 in birth of twins, 314-15 capacity for magnitude five tremors of, 50 commandments on doorpost scripture from, 155 Dasani bottles filled with tap water by, 140-41 defiantly negative speech of, 157-58 demonstration of maturity by, 125 as family disciplinarian, 41 at fertility clinic, 146 on first hearing of Bible Project, 7 among Florida elderly, 177-78 hardcore religion losing appeal to, 87 on hearing an Amish joke, 34 "helmet" as code word of, 108-9, 310-11 idiosyncratic sneeze of, 212 idol wors.h.i.+p allegedly practiced by, 105 lashon hara attributed to, 158 in late-stage pregnancy, 285 living room sukkah construction dubiously inspected by, 77, 79 mother-son relations.h.i.+ps as hopeful study of, 230 movies phased out for, 17-18 no chair left unsat on by, 52 off-limits d.i.c.kinson sweats.h.i.+rt of, 15 playdate invitation trampled by spouse's radical honesty, 196 pregnancy quest of, 17-20, 37, 48-52, 312 312 purity laws not appreciated by, 50-51 scavenger-hunt work of, 157-58, 338 spared AJ's evil tongue during ride home, 100-101 successful (in business) ex boyfriend of, 27, 336 "sweet spots" marked on, 118 s-word disconcertingly used by, 281 on things happening for a reason, 248 three-sons situation staring at, 206-7, 229-30, 307-8, 312 312 Jacobs, Lucas, 316-17 Jacobs, Lucas, 316-17 Jacobs, Zane, 316-17 as first twin to be circ.u.mcised, 320 Jaguar, rabbinical views on coveting of, 27, 336 James, Epistle of, on how to talk about your next day, 237 Jedi knights, 153 Jefferson, Thomas, 4, 256 Jefferson Bible, 256 "Jehovah," as G.o.d's real name, 75 Jehovah's Witnesses, 74-77 eschewing cheap jokes about, 74 Hebrew Scriptures leaned on by, 74 highlights in belief system of, 75-77 literalist argument for banning blood transfusion by, 76-77 why major holidays and birthdays are not celebrated by, 75-76, 121 Jeremiah: on our ability to change, 248 questioned by the king, 208 security grilling given to, 208 walked around wearing a wooden yoke, 89 on why men looked like they were bearing children, 146 Jerusalem: AJ just one of the messianic crowd in, 220 bombings in, 210 gay pride march in (2006), 267 interfaith street scene in, 213 walking naked and barefoot in, 89 why it's the Galapagos Islands of religion, 220 Jerusalem Bible, 9 Jerusalem syndrome, baffling symptoms of, 209 Jerusalem temples, era of: purity laws dating from, 51 rules relevant in, 48, 160, 240, 336 Jessica and Peter (friends), where G.o.d exists debated by, 152 Jesus: on almsgiving, 272 as family man, 256, 340 following moral teachings without accepting divinity of, 255-56, 262-63, 265 Last Supper of, 233 literalist views on teachings of, 11 marriage ideal in Genesis quoted by, 187 on number of times to forgive your brother, 289 observed walking on water, 276 pacifism of, 75 parables of, 67, 119, 215-16, 219, 274-75, 306-7 Pharisees denounced by, 77 red-letter view of, 270 righteous indignation of, 84 ritual laws made obsolete by, 254 serpent handler devotion to, 294 tefillin worn by, 198 traditional laws nullified by sacrifice of, 12, 47-48, 170 world creation linked to gestation time of, 253 on year of Jubilee, 65 Jesus-fish-gobbling-Darwin-fish b.u.mper sticker, 57 Jewishness, test for authenticity of, 70 Jewish Theological Seminary, 68, 134 Jews: breaking stereotypes of, 80 chosenness of, 36, 296 guilt as ident.i.ty marker for, 70 see also Judaism Judaism Jews, Hasidic, see see Hasidic Jews Jews, Orthodox, 97, 197, 198, 286 Hasidic Jews Jews, Orthodox, 97, 197, 198, 286 guidelines in The Set Table The Set Table followed by, 143 followed by, 143 monthly honeymoon s.e.x enjoyed by, 50 only visible bugs on forbidden list of, 176 rigid modesty rules of, 129 sculptures not made by, 105 as strictest Sabbath keepers, 72 structure for kids as goal of, 125-26 tamer version of kaparot practiced by, 165 tzitzit worn by, 180 worn by, 180 Jews, ultra-Orthodox, 11, 126 antigay demonstrations of, 267 as eschatological allies of untrafundamentalist Christians, 189 four blue threads again tied to ta.s.sels by, 180-81 kaparot practiced by, 160-65 mandatory partying of, 84-85 Job, Book of: on the company of the G.o.dless, 201 on the Lord's giving and taking away, 21 on making a covenant not to gaze l.u.s.tfully at virgins, 132 modern, agnostic view in, 114 Joelle (great-aunt), 72 on G.o.d's love, 313-14 John, First Epistle of, on the little children of G.o.d, 316 John, Gospel of: on foot-was.h.i.+ng ritual, 30 on Jesus promising drink for the thirsty, 301 on Jesus walking on the sea, 276 on Samaritan kindness to Jesus, 219 on taking "born again" literally, 290 on truth as liberating, 291 John (friend), 69 discussing impurity issues with, 240-41 sharing edible crickets with, 175 John the Baptist, survival diet of, 174 jokes: Amish, 7, 32, 33-34 about circ.u.mcision, 319, 320 dirtiest ever, in The Aristocrats, The Aristocrats, 18 18 about five blondes in a bar, 73 about Mel Gibson's facial hair, 180 obstetrical, 206-7 practical, 290 puns generously cla.s.sified as, 205 Jonah: anger issues of, 83 in "great fish" or "whale," 337 Joplin, Janis, 115, 194 Joseph (son of Jacob), 144 Jacob's favoring of, 316-17 Rachel's divinely a.s.sisted conception of, 19-20 Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, 230 230 Joshua, reconciling science with the sun stopping for, 67 Josie and the p.u.s.s.ycats, 131 131 "Journal of By-gone Years: The Smuckers," 31 Jubilee Harps, 168, 169 Jubilee USA Network, 65 Jubilee year, 63-65, 262, 336 debts forgiven, workers stay home, markets collapse in, 64 plan to forgive third-world debt in, 64-65 Judah, Judeans: prophetic warnings to, 89 Samaritans hated by, 216 Judaism: Ashken.a.z.i, polygamy banned by, 135 biblical interpretation in, 337 Catholicism and Protestantism compared with, 70 "deed over creed" as slogan of, 256-57 food-related ideas about, 173 holidays in, 77-80, 121 kindness to animals in, 162, 185-88 life trumping all (or nearly all) in, 77, 336 oral vs. written law in, 12 original biblical intent in, 70 reconciling biblical realities with, 245-46 Judge, Mike, beaten to fantasy punch, 26 Judgment at Nuremberg, atheism linked to, 97 atheism linked to, 97 Judith, Holofernes seduced and beheaded by, 53 kabbalists, white-wearing, 123 kaparot, ritual of, 160-65, 327 Botox and transubstantiation compared with, 162 money used in tamer versions of, 165 summarized experience of, 160 kaparot, ritual of (cont.) (cont.) vicariously sinful chickens used in, 161-62 see also chickens, ritual chickens, ritual Karaite calendar, 336 Karaite Korner, 307 Karaites: extreme, but safe diet of, 307 theological minimalism of, 69 why it's best to forgo the "Mazal tov" with, 341 Kate, Aunt, 5, 125, 200 circ.u.mcision encouraged by, 318 consequences in Friday visit of, 72-73 as ex-uncle Gil's ex-wife, 12, 45-46 on filial disrespect, 110 as former cult follower, 46, 103 kaparot as practiced by, 165 meshuga nephew rebuked for overlooking oral tradition by, 12 on metaphor of the clutching wife, 111-12 mother driven to sticking tongue out at Hasidim by, 110 whoopee cus.h.i.+on gift of, 46 why AJ fretted over Jasper's toy blocks from, 327 Ken (atheist leader), 97-98 Kennedy, D. James, 54-55, 72 Kennedy, John F., 251 Kerby, Carl, pop culture monitored by, 61 Kevin (Bible study coleader), 283, 284 Khayyam, Omar, as bathroom reading, 124 Kill Bill, 131 131 Kings, First Book of, on those who p.i.s.seth against a wall (slay them all), 202 Kings, Second Book of, additional adult language in, 282 Kissinger, Henry, inner and outer nature of, 87 Knitting Factory, 68 Know-It-All, The (Jacobs), 95, 175, 203, 335 (Jacobs), 95, 175, 203, 335 AJ quizzed by creationist on, 57-58 checking reviews and sales ranking of, 15, 128, 151, 241-42 cross-eyed woman fetish references in, 36 last recycled line from, 337 optioned for a movie, 248 postpartum downer in completion of, 330 kohanim, sacred hand gesture of, 198 kosher rules, 68-69, 162, 169-72, 338 Kosher s.e.x Kosher s.e.x (Boteach), 162 (Boteach), 162 lamb, Pa.s.sover sacrifice of, 211, 234-35 Lamb Chop (sock puppet), 211 lamb juice, 226, 226, 235, 339 235, 339 Lane, Robin, 176 language laws: of Amish minimalism, 31 20 percent of AJ's sentences lost to, 29 see also forbidden speech; forbidden speech; forbidden words lashon hara (evil tongue), 99-101, 158, 227, 251 see also forbidden speech forbidden speech laws, biblical: bizarre and ethically advanced, at times on same page, 42-43 Christian distinction between "moral" and "ritual," 48, 255 inexplicable, obedience to, 25, 148-49 in Torah, a total of 613 (AJ's list is longer), 69, 96 see also rules, biblical rules, biblical Lee, Tommy, Thursday night with, 132 LeHaye Ice Hockey Arena, 269 Lennon, John, 102 Leopard-skin Bustier Woman, l.u.s.t avoidance attempted on, 287 Lev (Israeli) (and fellow germaphobe), t.i.thing negotiated with, 215 Levi, cousin, quirky but compelling beliefs of, 20 Leviticus, Book of: on "an eye for an eye," 68 author of food and s.e.x prohibitions in (P), 200 on beasts you can eat, 169 on birds you can't eat, 170, 307 on daily payment of servant's wages, 42 on eating no manner of blood, 76 on fruit forbidden from recently planted tree, 8, 171-72 on h.o.m.os.e.xuality, 67, 135, 202, 266-67 on the Jubilee year, 63 on leaving your gleanings for the poor, 165 on loving your neighbor as yourself, 42, 43, 323 on making rest.i.tution, 331 on not confusing wife with mother, 316 on not mixing fibers, 15, 22, 43 on not tr.i.m.m.i.n.g beards, 4, 180 on not tr.i.m.m.i.n.g the sides either, 181 on period of male impurity, 240, 339 on rabbit's dietary habits, 59 on refraining from gossip, 156 on rising in the presence of the aged, 118 on the Sabbath year, 63 s.e.x acts in Aristocrats Aristocrats banned by, 18 banned by, 18 on stealing, 138 on stoning adulterers, 91 on which insects one may eat, if one is so inclined, 172, 174 on woman's period of impurity, 48, 51 Lewis, C. S.: on Jesus without divinity, 265 on pretending vs. being better than you are, 324, 327, 341 Lewis, Shari, 211 Liar, Liar, 54 54 liberation motif, 284 Liberty University, forbidden things at, 262 Liddell, Eric, on feeling G.o.d's pleasure, 38 Lieberman, Joe, 162 lies, lying, 10, 195, 248 to the Falwell folks, 262, 291 to help the poor, 167 how to cut back on, 54-55 "noncommittal compliments," 54 parental, inevitability of, 55-56 size, taste, and colorlessness of, 54-55 today's, just a sample of, 53-54 life: AJ's entry in the Book of, 275-76 as balance sheet, 274-75 as challenging jigsaw puzzle, 112 curveb.a.l.l.s of, 29 Ecclesiastes on the uncertainties of, 114 improved by believing in G.o.d, 248-49 as Judaic priority, 77, 336 vitalist view of, 248 see also everything everything Lisle, Jason, 60-61, 63 Longfellow, Henry Wadsworth, 20 loopholes, ethical: bird-headed humans (as allowable images), 105-6 for Christian polygamy, 136 of edible bugs in otherwise restrictive diet, 174-76 in restricting animal sacrifice, 160 in stoning adulterers, 91 Looy, Mark, 57, 59, 60, 107 Lot: G.o.d's warning to, 57 two anti-Israelite nations the result of two succeeding intemperate nights for, 232-33 Lot's wife, family events missed by, 233 Lott, Clyde, 190 love: for G.o.d, like love for wife, 53 for the sinner, not the sin, 263 unconditional, 275, 313 for your neighbor, 42, 43, 256, 321-25, 328 Lower East Side, cuisine of, 173-74 Lubavitcher sect of Hasidim, 85-87, 163 Luke, Gospel of, 200 on the blessed poor, 269 on choosing G.o.d over all else, 290 on forgiveness, 317 on Jesus proclaiming Jubilee year, 65 on John the Baptist in the womb, 308-9 on the Samaritan's compa.s.sion, 215-16 l.u.s.t avoidance, 285-88 AJ's apartment cleared for, 129-30 day job's effect on, 29 keeping eyes on ground as aid to, 16 in strategy number one (she's the princess, you're the peasant), 286-87 in strategy number two (she's your mother), 28, 287, 288 in strategy number three (recite Bible pa.s.sages to yourself), 287 in strategy number four (focus on the complete person), 288 when finance page is a turn-on, 129 Lutherans, 93, 256 Lynchburg, Va., 258-63 Maccabees, 121 magicians, killing of, 8 Mahalalel, Florida elders approaching age of, 176 Maharis.h.i.+ Mahesh Yogi, 102 Mail Boxes Etc., impatience and wrath at, 15-16 Maimonides: on religious food laws, 171 613 rules compiled by, 25 Maker's Diet, The (Rubin), 170, 173, 174 (Rubin), 170, 173, 174 mandrakes, Rachel's disappointing use of, 19, 117 March, Fredric, 61 Margie (Julie's friend), foot was.h.i.+ng offered to, 303-4 marijuana, Bible often scanned for a favorable word on, 233 Mark, Gospel of: on picking up serpents, 294 on plucking out the sinful eye, 289 on rendering unto Caesar and G.o.d, accordingly, 283 Mark (friend), 29 marriage: celibacy said to be superior to, 286 easy-to-follow steps for introducing polygamy into, 136-38 Jesus' theoretical firsthand knowledge of, 256, 340 levirate, 146, 338 no-touching ban not necessarily bad for, 50 wife avoidance as monthly ritual in, 48-52, 153 Marti, Aunt: as anticirc.u.mcisionist (or proprepucist), 317, 318 in family photo shoots, 117 going vegetarian in honor of, 307 honey banned by, 173 on religious words to avoid, 110 Martin, Steve, "King Tut" song of, 45 masturbation: in objections to IVF, 337 Onan mistakenly remembered for, 338 Mather, Increase, 339 Matisyahu, in top three, 162 Matthew, Gospel of: on committing adultery in your heart, 286 on eunuchs in kingdom of heaven, 10 on forgiveness, 289 on giving to the poor, 272 on Golden Rule, 321 Jesus affirms and supersedes Old Testament in, 254 on Jesus bringing not peace but a sword, 271 Jonah's "whale" found in, 337 on judging not, 258 Matthew (preacher), 297-98 matzohs, 233 making and solitary consuming of, 234 Mazal tov, 341 megachurches, 259, 270 Memphis (Nancy's dog), AJ's success in finding a home for, 323-24 men, discussing emissions with (this isn't about global warming, as such), 240-41 Mental Floss, 100 100 Messianic Age: Lubavitcher view of, 163 music improved in, 168 metaphors: actualized by AJ, 122-23, 289 being born again, 290-91 Bible as divine snapshot, 328 biblical, fundamentalist recognition of, 67 bungee jumping, 85 chopping off opponent's wife's clutching hand, 111-12 hating parents, wife, children, siblings, and own life, 290 for life, 29, 112, 274-75 literalized by prophets, 88-89 for loving G.o.d, 53 the Matrix wager, 249 picking up serpents, 294 plucking out an eye, 289-90 s.e.x drive as a roaring dragon, 288 on tefillin wearing, 197 twins Perez and Zerah, 315-16 verbal pollution, 157 wearing all white, 123 see also food metaphors food metaphors Methuselah, 185 mezuzahs, 155-56 Micah, Book of, on justice and mercy, 37, 88 Michael (Jehovah's Witness), 74-77 AJ's out-Bible-talking of, 77 on blood transfusions, 76-77 Witness doctrine and FAQs explicated by, 75-77 Michal, modesty issues followed by infertility of, 84 Midler, Bette, where else she precedes Midrash, 335 Midrash: bloodletting vs. peace as viewed in, 247 on how Jacob's neck was saved, 239 on how parting the Red Sea was managed, 13, 335 meanings of, 335 Miles, Jack, 145 Milton, Don, 136-38 mind: openness of, 59-60 wandering of, during prayer, 53 miracles, scientific explanations of, 276-77 misinterpretations, biblical: of "an eye for an eye," 68, 70 of being fruitful and multiplying, 19 of boiling baby goat in its mother's milk, 69 of "Sin of Onan," 338 mistranslations, biblical: of Gehenna, an ancient garbage dump, now "h.e.l.l," 76 of "kill" for "murder," 156 of "leprosy" for generic skin disease, 50 of "locusts" for "carob pods," 174 of Moses' "horns" for "qaran" or beams of light, 66 of the rabbit "chews its cud" for "re-eats its food," 59 of "Red Sea" for "Sea of Reeds," 66 of "steal" for "kidnap," 138 of words like "impurity" and "unclean," 50 Moab, mother's ill-considered plan to repopulate the world with, 233 moral relativism, swimming in the muddy soup of, 39 Mormonism, 136, 302 Morrow, Jimmy, 280, 280, 294-99 294-99 as affable fundamentalist, 295 speaking in tongues by, 298 Morrow, Jimmy (cont.) (cont.) as sympathetic to LBJ Democrats and Falwell eschatologists, 296 varieties of poisonous serpents handled by, 296 Moses, 211, 235, 299 as ever a slave to goodness, 143 five books of, 201; see also see also To r a h forty days spent listening to G.o.d by, 52, 69 To r a h forty days spent listening to G.o.d by, 52, 69 G.o.d in two-sided argument with, 268 G.o.d's first words to, 59 G.o.d's parting words to, 153 Israelites commanded to write G.o.d's words on doorposts by, 155 Israelites impatient for return of, 16 Jesus compared with, 265 at Red Sea (movie version), 13 righteous anger of, 84 sacred anointing oil made with G.o.d's recipe by, 302 shepherding experience useful to, 212 mosh pits, Hasidic-style, 86, 121 Most Perplexing Rules: admonition to chop off opponent's wife's clutching hand, 111-12 ban on wearing clothes of mixed fibers, 22-25 capital punishment, 91-94 circ.u.mcision, 317-21 purification using perfect red cow, 188-90; see also see also red heifer red heifer Most Violated Rules, 80-81 lying, gossip, anger, and touching impure things included in, 81 not making images of any kind, 104 vanity and coveting might also be mentioned, 81 mother, one's own, thinking of pretty woman as, 28, 287, 288 mother, pigeon's, respect for, 185-88 mother-son relations.h.i.+ps, Julie's hopeful study of, 230 movies, 339-40 "R," "X," or "NC-17," 262 sanitized versions of, 131-32 Muhammad, riots over published cartoon depictions of, 104 multiplying, see see being fruitful and multiplying being fruitful and multiplying murder: as appropriate word in Sixth Commandment, 156 evil tongue compared to, 99 penalty for, 91 Muslims, 97 Third Temple location problematic for, 190 see also Islam Islam myrrh, buying and smelling of, 302-3 Nachshon, Red Sea's timely parting for, 13, 253-54, 335 Nancy (neighbor), 115-16, 235 book idea of, 194, 244, 306, 323 death of, 321-23, 326 hallway conversation with, 243-44 on her sketch of Jimi Hendrix, 325 home found for pet dog of, 323-24 as Jasper's unofficial G.o.dmother, 116 memorial service for, 323 Natalia (niece), bat mitzvah of, 325-26 Nathan, parable of greedy rich man told to King David by, 195 n.a.z.irites, strict rules of, 181 Nebuchadnezzar, Hebrew faithful unscorched by, 77 Negev Desert, 210-12 Nerf bat, Jasper spanked with, laughing hysterically, 40-41 Neta (TV producer), 210 New Catholic Dictionary, 274 274 New Testament (Christian Bible), 68, 119 circ.u.mcision optional at best in, 319 guidance on Christmas absent in, 121 hammering out approach to, 11, 253-57, 283 heavenly reward promised in, 114 on obedience to human inst.i.tutions, 283-84 polygamy not overturned by, 136 see also see also Bible; Bible; specific books specific books New York City: New York City: beards observed at fertility clinics of, 117 coveting as energizer of, 26 multicellular organisms in tap water of, 140 return of the neorighteous to, 227-28 70 percent of talk in, 99 traffic signals as helpful hints in, 284 ultrareligious compatriots in, 201 walking around with exposed cash in, 197 New York City Atheists, 96-98 New Yorker, 74, 338 74, 338 New York Times, 17, 71, 192, 264, 271, 272, 327, 340 17, 71, 192, 264, 271, 272, 327, 340 Nicodemus, "born again" confusing to, 290-91 Nimoy, Leonard, racy use of tefillin by, 198 9/11, G.o.d's judgment as cause of, 113, 260 1976 Plymouth Valiant, odor of sanct.i.ty in, 8 Nineveh, Jonah's refusal to preach to, 83 Ninth Commandment, 54 see also perjury perjury Noah: as first flesh eater, 307 Ham's mocking of, 242-43 if he were alive today, 152 Noah's Ark, 59-60, 62, 123, 218, 259 biblical instructions for building of (cubits, gopher wood, etc.), 77 cute toys based on, 116 Darwinian evolution at odds with, 67 Noah's Ark: A Feasibility Study, 59-60 59-60 animal exercise, ventilation system, explosive gases covered in, 59 Numbers, Book of: on attaching blue thread to ta.s.sels, 180 on the perfect red heifer, 188 on those who fell on their faces, 101 on wearing ta.s.sels, 6 obsessive-compulsive disorder ( OCD), 36, 48-49, 148 religions preeminent in, 148 October religious holidays, 78 Office s.p.a.ce, 26 26 Old Testament, 335 creationism tied to, 56 see also Hebrew Bible; Torah; Hebrew Bible; Torah; specific books specific books olive oil lamps, 304 Onan, eponymous sin pinned on, 146, 338.

144,000 pious souls, Heaven reserved for, 75 Ono, Yoko, guru troubles of, 102 oral laws: Aunt Kate's reproachful reminder of, 12 received by Moses on mountaintop, 69 theological minimalist rejection of, 69 Origen, over-hasty self-castration of,

10.

Orthodox Jews, see see Jews, Orthodox oxen, sacrifice of, 8 Jews, Orthodox oxen, sacrifice of, 8 paganism, 96, 151, 267 Palestinians, 217 Palm Treo, wrongs recorded as "Stuff" on, 273-74 pantheism, 103, 152-53, 212 paper cuts, painless slaughter likened to, 162 parenting, 39-41 of Bart Simpson vs. Flanders kids, 126 cultist chill in, 7, 46, 103-4 parenting (cont.) (cont.) dangers in loosey-goosey style of, 125-26 favoritism toward a twin in, 237- 40, 316-17 at feeding time, 55 free will and Purell applied in, 109 hand spared "as object of love" in, 40 as inevitably dishonest, 55-56 Nerf bat used with predictable results in, 40-41 nightmare scenario in, 39 overprotectiveness in, 108-9, 310-11 painful battles in, 278-79 predominance of males in, 229-30 s.h.i.+ft away from extreme individualism in, 146 transparency tried in, 55-56 walloping as H-bomb of, 40 parents, honoring of, 8, 73, 140, 241-43 by ancient Israelites, 241 with biblical year in mind, 242-43 guilt feelings about, 241-42 Pascal, Blaise, 249 Pascal's wager, 249 Pa.s.sover, 87, 211 Pa.s.sover seder, Jacobs family, 233-36 AJ's grandmother's childhood memories read at, 235-36 AJ's raiment at, 234 doorposts painted with lamb's blood at, 226, 226, 235, 339 235, 339 ex-uncle's maniacal charisma needed at, 234 past secular versions of, 233 Paul, Apostle: celibacy recommended by, 134, 286 "Circ.u.mcise the heart" advised by, 319-20 paganism, not h.o.m.os.e.xuality, seen as target of, 267 on short hair for men, 11, 181 as talking robot, 58 see also specific epistles Paul (friend), 6, 231 Pay It Forward, 310 payot (side locks), 181-82, 202 cute Israeli blond's fetish for fondling of, 288 peace, striving for, 256 Penuel, Jacob's divine wrestle at, 53 People magazine, 108, 332 magazine, 108, 332 people who look or act like: Garth Brooks, 161 Gary Busey (if Gary Busey had his hair parted in the middle), 75 George Burns, 138 Jack Nicholson (after electroshock therapy in Cuckoo's Nest Cuckoo's Nest), 188 Janis Joplin (thirty-five years later), 115 Joe Torre, 270 Kaczynski, Lincoln, or Moses, 3 Laurel and Hardy, 86 Nick Nolte (after a couple of vodka tonics), 294 Oscar de la Hoya, 49 Paul Reubens, 60 Ray Liotta (in Goodfellas Goodfellas), 310 Sean Penn (in I Am Sam I Am Sam), 152 Steve Buscemi, 297 a strapping Jackie Mason, 97 they've just been circ.u.mcised, 55 Thomas Jefferson, 4 an ultrareligious Donald Trump, 224 Perelman, Ron, 167 Perez and Zerah, 147, 315 perjury, penalty for, 91 Perkins, Bill, 287 Peter, First Epistle of: on the end being at hand, 327 on obedience to the emperor, 283 Peters, Bill, 64 Pharisees, 198, 219 sanctimonious legalism of, 119 Philistines, Isaac's strategem against, 144 Phillips, Kevin, 335 pigeons, kosher, for mandated mother and egg separation, 184, 184, 185-88 185-88 "pigskin," overliteralization of, 203, 209 pig's valves, life trumps all with, 336 Pirkei Avot: Ethics of the Fathers, Pirkei Avot: Ethics of the Fathers, 244 244 Playboy, Playboy, Magic Marker censors.h.i.+p of, 130, 302 Magic Marker censors.h.i.+p of, 130, 302 playing cards, avoiding contact with, 203 polygamy, 135-38, 187, 208, 337-38 ancient Israelite practice of, 135 Bible study helpful in arranging for, 137 how to get the point across to wives in, 137-38 persecution against, 138 telling prospective second wife about the present wife in, 137 polytheism, 183, 242 pop culture: creationist monitoring of, 61 famed landmarks of, 132 population boom, twins a contribution to, 159 Portnoy, Eddy, 23 AJ told of animal sacrifice venue over lunch with, 160 poverty, the poor, 6, 197 global, 64-65 Red-letter Christian views on, 269-71 sleep-induced, 106-7 prayer, 21-22 appealing repet.i.tions of, 148 in bathroom Sabbath, 124 cognitive dissonance demonstrated in, 21 without conviction, 192-93 decompression effect of, 127 "G.o.d willing," 236-37 of grace, before or after meals, 95, 337 intercessory, 127-28 for Jasper, 247 mojo at work by, 152 prefabricated, 53 punctual attendance at, 142 as sacrifice of time, 208 scheduling of, 53, 126 for serpent handlers, 299 the Shema, 155, 242 for spiritual guidance, 263 study indicating potentially poor effects of, 128 thanksgiving, 94-96, 208, 322-23, 329, 331 when introducing one's first wife to polygamy, 137 pregnancy: long-awaited, good things resulting from, 19-20 as Lot's surprise, 233 real, undisputed, and multiple, 158-59, 312 312 in Tamar's tale, 146-47 Previn, Soon-Yi, 28 prodigal son, parable of, 274-75 profanity, 281-83 see also forbidden speech forbidden speech Promised Land, 173 prophets: as ancient David Blaines with orders from G.o.d, 88 false, with loincloths on their heads, 89 reading of, 37, 88-89 Prosperity Gospel, The, 273 prost.i.tution, in Tamar's tale, 146-47 Protestantism, sola scriptura in, 70 Protestant Old Testament, 335 Protestant Reformation, 105 Proverbs, Book of: on avoiding knowledge displays, 116 on avoiding wine and strong drink, 231, 232 on being slow to anger, 16, 80 on child rearing, 39-40, 108, 336 on frankness trumping flattery, 195 on he who is glad at calamity, 310 on how l.u.s.t can undo one, 128 on how to come to a well-rested poverty, 106 King Solomon's practical guidance in, 10, 39-40, 137 on the Lord's keeping watch, 275 on not boasting about tomorrow, 236 on not despising one's neighbor, 115 Proverbs, Book of (cont.) (cont.) on the purposefulness of everything, 205 on the rewards of righteousness, 249 on truth telling, 6, 53, 54 on walking with a forward gaze, 18 on weights and measures, 229 winking decried in, 205 on the wisdom of the humble, 30 Psalms, Book of: on avoiding gossip, 99 evidence against global warming found in, 260 geocentricism also found in, 63 on G.o.d being with the righteous, 118 interactive deity in, 52 King David's authors.h.i.+p of, 137 "The Lord is all that" (hip-hop version), 9 on the Lord's life-giving precepts, 147 on monthly blowing the trumpet, 47 on playing the harp of ten strings, 167 on praise for the glory of the Lord, 207 on praying to G.o.d, 247 righteous urged to rejoice in, 250 on rising at midnight, 88 on thanking and glorifying the Lord, 219 "The Lord is my shepherd" (standard version), 21, 210 on unbelievers, 96 on unborn child, 308 on understanding G.o.d's precepts, 41 on wine gladdening the heart, 231 puns, winking with (antibiblical), 205 Purim, un.o.bserved, 209 Puritans, Puritanism, 213 AJ's antis.e.x streak in line with, 288 Epicureanism in biblical conflict with, 232, 239 neo-, 129 Sabbath taken seriously by, 71-72 purity laws, 48-52 fascinating but complex history of, in eight lines, 51 home life challenged by, 51-52 Judaic fixation with, 148 male haircutter required for, 181 Orthodox take on, 50 Samaritan (superstrict), 218 Purpose-Driven Life, The (Warren), 272 (Warren), 272 Putnam, Robert, on "bowling alone," 214 Qohelet, see see Ecclesiastes Ecclesiastes rabbis, Sabbath "rest" explicated by, 12 rabbits: inspire lively treatise on profanity, 281-83 Wascally Wabbit now in cross hairs of creationists, 61 what they eat is their own business, 59, 166 Rachel (Julie's friend), rea.s.surances of purity from, 49 racial intermarriage, creationist view of, 59 racism, a lesson from Jesus on, 328 Radical Honesty (Blanton), 196 (Blanton), 196 ram's horn, see see shofar shofar Reading the Bible Again for the First Time (Borg), 88, 284, 337, 338 (Borg), 88, 284, 337, 338 Rebecca, as Isaac's pretended sister, 144 RECAP (Recover A p.e.n.i.s), 318 reconstructionism, extremist views of, 293 red heifer, 188-90, 192, 338 biblical description and ritual of, 188 end times and/or Jewish Messiah heralded by, 189 sticky issues in breeding of, 189-90 Red-letter Christians, 11, 67, 257, 269-71 Black-letter backlash to, 271 literalism of, 270 naming of, 270 political and social orientation of, 270 Prosperity Gospel seen as heresy by, 271 Reiner, Rob, Meathead role of, 93 religion(s): absolute statements mocked by, 336 bowling alone or belonging in, 213-14 cla.s.sifying OCD traits in, 148 compa.s.sionate, at their best, 245 dining with a spokesman for the arrogant side of, 221-25 losing control seen as slippery slope in, 103-4 picking and choosing in, see see cafeteria religion cafeteria religion role of choice and responsibility in, 143, 251, 268, 332 science separate from, 67 unexpectedly mundane aspects of, 172 religious right: h.o.m.os.e.xuality a cultural obsession of, 266 political links of, 270, 271 radical teachings of Jesus ignored by, 270 religious study, relentless growth of reading list for, 29 Republican Party, religious right's ties to, 270, 271 Rescuing the Bible from Fundamentalism (Spong), 290 (Spong), 290 Reuben, Jacob's anger with, 230 Revelation, Book of, futurist vs. pasthistorical view of, 191-92, 338-39 Richards, Elton ("pastor out to pasture"), 192 on Bible as divine snapshot, 328 on Falwell's Christianity vs. Jesus' message, 258 on four types of prayer (ACTS), 94-95 on how t.i.thing should feel, 38 on inadequacy of Pascal's wager, 249 majestic food metaphors of, 13, 48, 327 on obedience to human vs. "higher" authority, 283-84 on verbal pollution, 157 Richman, Chaim, 190 Rick (cousin), 175 righteous idiocy, 118-19, 227-28, 310 ritual bath, 221, 240 rituals: bird's nest, 185-88 dovetailing of AJ's OCD with, 148 foot was.h.i.+ng, 30, 303-4 kaparot, 160-65 of obsessive grat.i.tude, 268-69 off-the-rack vs. concocting your own, 148 of red heifer, 188 on starting the day, 141-42 tefillin wearing, 198-200 weird and little, AJ as p.r.o.ne to, 148-49 Rivka (cousin), Sabbath freezer rules observed by, 72 robe, biblical, 304 as embarra.s.sing, polarizing, and ego rattling, 305 Robertson, Gordon, 191 Robertson, Pat, 11, 191, 262, 293, 296 Romans, Epistle to: on the holy kiss, 296 on how G.o.d punished the sins of the Gentiles, 263 Rome, ancient: apocalyptic literature on, 192, 339 book about an atheist arena carnage cleaner in, 97 Roose, Kevin, as AJ's biblical slave, by agreement, 244-45, 247, 305-7 Roosevelt, Eleanor, 7 Rosh Hashanah, 78 regretted solo observance of, 214 Rubin, Jordan, 170, 173, 174 rules, biblical: AJ's OCD comfortable with, 48-49, 148-49 in Amish Ordnung, 30-31 as benignly choice-restricting, 142-43 for building a sukkah, 78-79 choice-restricting, how to choose among, 143 ends-justifying-means outlook vs., 139 forty-five on idolatry alone, 30 4,649 needed for creating a certified mezuzah, 156 learning to take joy in, 250-51 oft-neglected, 4 picking and choosing of, see see cafeteria religion cafeteria religion reasons for discontinued observance of, 12, 47-48, 160, 170, 240 revising original rule for obedience to, 29 Sabbath, 71-74, 119 for sacrifice, 160 sanity loss risked by wholesale pursuit of, 119 for slaveholding, 245 on ta.s.sels, 338 as time consuming, 28, 119 as time saving, 148-49 see also laws, biblical; Most Perplexing Rules; Most laws, biblical; Most Perplexing Rules; Most Violated Rules Rules of a G.o.dly Life (Amish book), 31 (Amish book), 31 Russell, Bertrand, 80, 98 Ruth, Book of, Ruth's gathering of gleanings and Boaz in, 166 Sabbath, 143, 144, 220, 329 Christian debate over, 48 Karaite disengagement from electric company on, 69 obeying traffic laws as urban version of, 285 Pharasaic legalism about, 119 punishment for breaking of, 91-92 syncopated list of those banned from working on, 156 two-hour headache caused by paradoxical thought on, 71 unusual bathroom simulation of, see bathroom Sabbath bathroom Sabbath weekdays, Sat.u.r.day, or Sunday: now everyone works, 71 week oriented around, 250-51 Sabbath year, 63, 336 sacrifice: in Abraham and Isaac story, 109 crucifixion as, 47 of time, 208 t.i.thing as, 38 Samaria, ancient, 117 Samaritan Bible, 218, 339 Samaritan calendar, 336 Samaritans, 11 AJ/CJ reference as icebreaker for, 216.

biblical literalism of, 216-19 in Jesus' parable, 215-16, 219 lesson in Jesus' embrace of, 328 menstruation separation as practiced by, 218-19 as one of Israel's lost tribes, 217 in "what if" scenario, 219 Sammy's Roumanian Steak House, dining trauma at, 173-74 Samson, Delilah's doing and undoing of, 181 Samuel, mother's prayer answered with birth of, 20 Samuel, Second Book of: on Absalom's death, 188 on David dancing, 84 Sank, Lew, peritectomies performed by, 319-21 Sara (cousin), wedding of, 125 Sarah (biblical): eventual pregnancy of, 19 Pharaoh understandably put out about, 144 Saul, increasing paranoia of, 18 Save Darfur, 38, 327 Scalia, Antonin, "originalism" of, 65-66, 66.

scapechickens, see see kaparot, ritual of scapegoats, 161-62 kaparot, ritual of scapegoats, 161-62 Schlessinger, Dr. Laura, 202-3, 339 schmaltz hazards, 174 Schneerson, Menachem Mendel, proclaimed as the Messiah, 56, 163 Schoenberg, Doug, 320 gossip (technically) about, 81 Schoenberg, Eric: as AJ's polymathic tormentor, 276 circ.u.mcision jest of, 320 on jam buyer experiment, 143 on miracles and science, 276-77 Schoenberg, Larry and Barbara (Julie's dad and stepmom), 307 Schulze, Reverend, 4 sciatica, risk factors for, 70 Scrabble, when not to play, 72 Seagal, Steven, beardlessness of, 3 Sea of Galilee, oceanographic conditions met for Jesus walking on, 276 Second Commandment, 30 on AJ's Most Violated List, 104 as writers' rallying cry, 106 Second Temple, Roman destruction of (70 CE), 48, 51, 160 see also forbidden images; idols, idolatry forbidden images; idols, idolatry secular humanism: AJ's alter ego on, 201 lure of, 96 seders, 211 see also Pa.s.sover seder, Jacobs family Pa.s.sover seder, Jacobs family serpent handling, 280, 280, 294-99 294-99 origin and spread of, 296 see also Church of G.o.d with Signs Following; Morrow, Jimmy Church of G.o.d with Signs Following; Morrow, Jimmy Set Table, The Set Table, The ( (Shulchan Aruch), 143 700 Club, The, 700 Club, The, 191, 262 191, 262 Seventeen magazine, Bible magazine, Bible camouflaged as, 9, 29 Seventh Commandment, 135 see also adulterers, adultery Seventh-day Adventists, 313 adulterers, adultery Seventh-day Adventists, 313 s.e.x, s.e.xual activity: AJ's G-rated history of, 129 bathing (individually) required after, 8, 240, 339 celibacy or marriage as biblically approved alternatives to, 134, 286.

contraceptive, Onan's fatal recourse to, 338 monthly abstention from, 48-52 taking your mind off, see see l.u.s.t l.u.s.t avoidance when it's a capital offense, see see capital punishment, biblical Shake Rabbis and Roll (SR2), 68 shaking hands, purity laws supportive of germaphobe's views on, 240 shatnez (mixed fibers), 15, 22-25, 43, 68, 91, 111, 122, 149, 203 testing for, 23-25, 36 Shayna (Jasper's friend), enviable vocabulary of, 26 sheep, shepherding, 7, 204, 204, 210, 210, 211-12.

as ideal entry-level job for patriarchs, 212 an invitation to Samaritan sacrifice of, 218 surprising noisiness of, 211-12 "Shema, the," 155, 242 shmata trade, 94 trade, 94 shoes, enigmatic rules for putting on, 142.

shofar (ram's horn), 89, 90 90 a couple of clear notes produced with, 206 forgetting to take it to New Jersey, 147-48.

instructions for monthly blowing of, 47, 206 Shulevitz, Judith, 71-72, 183, 251 side locks, see see payot payot sign of the cross, 255 Simchas Torah, 84 sins, chickens as vicarious atoners of, 160-65.

sitting s.h.i.+va, for potential life, 50 Slate Slate magazine, 183 magazine, 183 slave/intern, 244-45, 247, 305-7 slavery, 71, 244-47 benefits seen in, 246 cursed by inability to sell oneself into, 113 slavery (cont.) (cont.) forcing kidnap victims into, 138 unpaid interns.h.i.+p as closest we have to, 245 sleeping: problems bearded people have in, 106-7 vulnerability in, 242-43 sleeping around, biblical restrictions on, 135-38 Slifkin, Natan "the Zoo Rabbi," 338 Smucker, Amos, 31-35 enviable monosyllables of, 157 guests entertained with jokes of, 32, 33-34 harmonica playing by, 34 Smucker, Anna, 31, 33 Smucker, Christian, 32 Smuckers, the strawberry-jam people, 32 snow, estimating Eskimo words for, 336 Sodom: G.o.d's destruction of, 57 Lot's family in ill-starred flight from, 232-33 negotiating with the Lord about, 127-28 Sojourners magazine, 269 magazine, 269 Solomon, King, 10, 114, 122 Book of Proverbs attributed to, 39-40 seven hundred wives and adultery concerns of, 135, 137 Song of Solomon: on being sick with love, 133 B-word in, 134 as paean to erotic love, 134 soup kitchen (Holy Apostles Soup Kitchen in Chelsea--incredible place), 81-83, 186, 249 AJ asked, impolitely, to go away from, 82-83 AJ as victim of power play at, 82 AJ demoted to garbage duty at, 82 church youth groups often at, 301 hot female volunteers near front door of, 301 speaking in tongues, 298 speed limits, 284-85 Spicoli, Jeff, on the totally bogus, 233 Spinoza, Baruch, 107, 153 spiritual advisory board, 66 advice and context expected from, 11-12 on original menstruation laws, 50 Spong, John Shelby, on overliteralizing G.o.d's words, 290, 341 Starbucks: AJ in meeting with delusional other self at, 7 guy who for forty-five minutes monopolized the bathroom at (same person?), 81 kindness to strangers in, 188 lying about internet costs at, 53 stealing straws debated in, 139 Star Trek, Star Trek, 198 198 status quo theology, 284 stealing, 112-13 of neighbor's wireless signal, 112-13, 138, 139 rationalizing about, 139 unprincipled niceties spurned in, 138-39 stem cells, religious controversy on, 6, 308-9 Stone, Oliver, 131 street corners, how you can observe a lot by just watching on, 284, 285 street juggler, mid-act cell phone call taken by, 81 strychnine, drinking of, 296 subway, subway riders, 120 120 Bible reader as viewed by, 29 Hasidim as, 85 homeless ignored expertly by, 228 Mr. Kindness to Strangers flees from merry mendicant on, 228-29 sukkah (hut): putting up of, 78-80 taking down of, 84 Sukkoth (Feast of Ingathering), 77-80 supplication, prayers of, 95 synagogue, pa.s.sionate attendance at, 142 Taliban, 104, 293 Talmud, 36 on details of capital punishment, 94 on gossip as murder, 99 interpretive role of, 68 scholarly depth and breadth of, 182-83 semantic fine-tuning of scriptures in, 12 story of a pious fool and drowning neighbor in, 119 walking in a jaunty, hoity-toity manner banned in, 187 Tamar's tale, 146-47, 315-16 Onan's actual offense in, 146, 338 twins in, 147, 315 ta.s.sels, 6, 17, 88, 92, 122, 142, 180-81, 192 biblical directions for, 338 on every corner of ex-uncle's clothes, 103 prefab (tzitzit), 180 purpose of, 80 safety pinned to s.h.i.+rt, 17, 80 Ta.s.sels without Ha.s.sles, 180 taxonomies, OCD religions replete with, 148 Taylor, Rip, gay reaction to shtick of, 56 tefillin (phylacteries; Jewish prayer straps), 103, 198-200, 221 AJ's previous brushes with, 198 free a.s.sociating easily done with, 199 history and origins of, 198 how bird droppings can signal a problem with, 222 lesson in wrapping of, 198-99 rules for wearing of, gas ban included, 198 Teletubby Tinky Winky, evangelical outing of, 260 Temple Inst.i.tute, The, 191 Temple Mount, in apocalyptic setting with red cow, Third Temple, and embattled messiahs, 190 Ten Commandments, 3, 10, 39, 52, 92, 138 in Ark of the Covenant, 84 Christian views on, 48, 254-55 constructing Tabernacle for, 77 dietary laws in spirit of, 170 disputed "Ten" in, 156, 338 minimalist beauty of six through eight, 156 Samaritan version of, 218 Scotch-taped copies of, 15 tied to head and hand, 35, 149, 198 written on doorpost, 154-56, 243 see also specific commandments Ten Commandments, The (movie), 13 (movie), 13 glorious cheesiness of, 227 Tenth Commandment, 27 see also coveting coveting terrorism, post-9/11 jitters about, 209 Testaments, Old, New, or both, 10, 335 Thanksgiving, Pa.s.sover compared with, 233 thanksgiving, prayers of, 94-96, 208, 322-23, 329, 331 theocracy, 253 Thessalonians, First Epistle to, on heathenish pa.s.sion of l.u.s.t, 285 Thessalonians, Second Epistle to, on giving thanks, 268 Third Commandment, 21, 281 see also G.o.d, name of G.o.d, name of Third Temple, Jewish Messiah waiting for, 189 Thomas Road Baptist Church, 258- 63, 265 AJ's lying spree at, 262, 291 "cry rooms" at, 261 disorientingly friendly people in, 260, 294 singles group at, 260-61 see also evangelical Christianity; Falwell, Jerry evangelical Christianity; Falwell, Jerry Tijuana donkey shows, feared coming accessibility of, 39 Tillich, Paul, 153 Timothy, First Epistle to: on honoring widows, 313 on medicinally useful alcohol, 232 on modestly dressed women, 296 Tip (evangelical greeter), 260 t.i.thing, 37-39 after-tax, 38 AJ's mental strategy for, 38-39 gleaning vs., 116 G.o.d's pleasure and AJ's pain in, 272 literary agent's fee not regarded as, 37-38 toilet paper, pre-ripped, 72 Tom (Falwell pastor), 262-63 tomorrow, G.o.d willing, 236-37 Torah (five books of Moses): annual reading of, 85 Aunt Kate's pa.s.sion for, 46 divine and animal nature seen in, 86 laws totaling 613 in, 69 Samaritan take on purity laws of, 218 supposedly written by J, E, P, and D, 201, 339 Tower of Babel, 314 brother-in-law seen as chief architect of, 276 traffic laws, obedience to, 283-85 downside and upside of, 284-85 Travolta, John, 122 TreeHugger web magazine, 304 web magazine, 304 T. rex: blood vessels found in bone of, 60 vegetarian incisors of, 57 truth telling, 6, 53-54, 55 about biblical observance, 171 in Julie's new mind-reading game, 291-92 see also lies, lying lies, lying Tsedaka, Benyamim, 216-19 "tumah," mistranslation of, 50 Twain, Mark, on not letting those people go, 201-2 25th Hour, 131 131 twins, biblical: Jacob and Esau, 237-40, 316-17 Perez and Zerah, 147, 315 twins, Jacobs: AJ and Julie informed about, 158-59 birth of, 314-15 circ.u.mcision of, 317-21; see also see also circ.u.mcision circ.u.mcision combativeness of, in utero, 237 gender revealed, 206-7 mentally preparing for, 229-30 Tyndale, William, execution of, 13 Unauthorized Version, The (Lane), 176 (Lane), 176 Unitarians, 256 universe, age, size, and light rays of, 60-61 upper respiratory disorders, as excuse for not touching women, 16 Upper West Side, 234 AJ as the Gandhi of, 8 elderly adulterer cornered in, 92-93 gleaning innovatively attempted in, 167 rare opportunity for good deed in, 249 turning heads in, 122-23, 169 Uriah, David's wronging of, 195 vegetarianism, 110, 117 universally observed until Noah, 307.

Vilna Gaon, 70, 163, 199 virgins: consequences of sleeping with, 135 how to look upon, 132 vitalism, 248 Volchok, Martha, 235 Walden Walking Stick, 234 Wallis, Rev. Jim, 67, 269-70 Wall Street Journal, front page of, 106 Warm Blankets Orphan Care front page of, 106 Warm Blankets Orphan Care International, 272 warriors, beards as possible head handles on, 223 Watson Adventures (scavenger hunts), 157-58, 338.

Weinberg, Noah, on life as jigsaw puzzle, 112 Weisman, Charles, 292-93 theocratic and racial dreams of, 293.

Welch, Thomas, temperance advocacy of, 231 West Bank, 217, 219 Western Wall, 227 binding tefillin on tourists at, 103, 221.

high-voltage faithful at, 220 West Wing, The, West Wing, The, 202-3 202-3 "What Does the Bible Really Teach?"

(Witness booklet), 75 "What Jesus Said about h.o.m.os.e.xuality," 266 When Good Men Are Tempted (Perkins), 287, 288 white garments, 122-23, 300, 300, 329 buoyancy experienced in, 167 celebrated wearers of, 122 329 buoyancy experienced in, 167 celebrated wearers of, 122 darkening of, 167, 304 verbal equivalent of, 157 Whitfield, Daniel, biblical wine study of, 232, 233 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, AJ's AJ's ill-fated appearance on, 58, 276 Why I Am Not a Christian Why I Am Not a Christian (Russell), (Russell),

98.

Why the Ten Commandments Matter (Kennedy), 54-55 widows and orphans, confirmed, offering cash to, 6 Wikipedia, 200, 214 Williams, Venus, pagan namesake of,

17.

Wills, Garry, on Dominionist influence, 293 w.i.l.l.y Wonka's Chocolate Factory, Natalie's bat mitzvah theme as, 325 wine: biblical views contradictory on, 231-33.

Noah's imbibing of, 242-43 winkers, biblical warning to, 205 wireless piggybacking, 112-13, 138, 139.

Wisconsin, Jews as "frozen chosen"

in, 36 witchcraft, penalty for, 91 Wolfe, Tom, AJ as biblical version of, 122.

women: avoiding unnecessary contact with, 16, 229 best to stay out of clothes of, 15,

39.

discussing monthly cycles with, 49, 240-41.

ex-uncle's postprandial ritual denied to, 224-25 Hasidic wallflowering of, 85, 87 how they came to be, 213, 322 Israelite husbands' rights to, 135 not permitted to speak in churches, 328, 341 octogenarian and touchable, 249 prudent ways to think about, 28, 129.

turned on by bad-boy things, 137 when biblical correctness requires severing hand of, 111 Woods, Mary and Rick, 168 words: B-, in Song of Solomon, 134; see see also forbidden words forbidden words biblical, verily, 99 final, 11-12 in Jasper's vocabulary, 26, 144, 152 no making of, on Sabbath, 72 "prehistoric," creationists'

rejection of, 61 rationing of, 157 "reverential," two-day high produced by, 180 work: Bertrand Russell's cla.s.sification of, 80 in building sukkah, 78-80 not working as, 251 Worldwide Church of G.o.d, 121 yarmulkes, 85 bald spots concealed by, 4 lack of mentions in the Bible of,

70.

Yemenite Jews, world's sole kosher cricket favored by, 338 Yom Kippur, 78 done cluelessly and alone, 214 kaparot atonement rite on eve of, 160-65; see also see also chickens, ritual chickens, ritual Yossi (spiritual adviser), 93-94, 171, 182-83, 214 AJ at hot fas.h.i.+on show with, 286-88 parable of the two praying guys told by, 208, 219 story of Esther discussed with, 207 tefillin wrapping demonstrated by, 198 Zappa, Frank, 194 Zerah and Perez, 147, 31 --SWC

About the Author.

A. J. Jacobs is the New York Times New York Times best-selling author of best-selling author of The KnowIt-All: One Man's Humble Quest to Become the Smartest Person in the World. The KnowIt-All: One Man's Humble Quest to Become the Smartest Person in the World. He is the editor at large at He is the editor at large at Esquire Esquire magazine, for which he wrote the article "My Outsourced Life." He has also written for the magazine, for which he wrote the article "My Outsourced Life." He has also written for the New York Times, The Was.h.i.+ngton Post, New York Times, The Was.h.i.+ngton Post, and and Entertainment Weekly. Entertainment Weekly. He lives in New York City. You can visit his website at ajjacobs.com. He lives in New York City. You can visit his website at ajjacobs.com.

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