If I Tell Part 20

Not in the mood for caffeine, I ordered a juice from Amber and settled into a quiet corner table to get to work on my homework. My heart skipped a beat thinking about seeing Jackson in a few hours when he'd be working with me. Talk about getting signals wrong. I'd have to act like nothing had happened.

Halfway through a calculus equation, I was startled by a voice in the coffee line.

I glanced up. Jackson was in line, leaning against the counter and casually chatting with Amber at the cash register. My heart flopped, and I chomped harder on my pencil. He laughed and flicked back his hair with an unconscious toss of his head. In line behind Jackson, an annoyingly gorgeous girl with long blond hair was eyeing his b.u.t.t. I couldn't blame her. It was a b.u.t.t worth staring at.

Jackson flashed a s.e.xy half grin at Gorgeous Girl, and the orange juice in my stomach curdled. I watched as he placed a hand on her back and leaned down to whisper something in her ear. She smiled adoringly up at him, and then he turned to Amber and ordered coffee. Two coffees.

Amber glanced over and caught my eye and quickly looked away. I stared down at my math book, mortified. I wished I could fade into the background. Why had coming early to do homework seemed like a good idea?

I pretended to be absorbed in my work, praying somehow that Jackson wouldn't notice me tucked into the corner. I barely moved or breathed, hoping he'd take his coffee and the girl to go.

"Jaz?"

Wincing, I sucked in a breath, forced a smile, and looked up. Jackson and the girl approached my table. Jackson's cheeks looked unusually red and his face uncomfortable as if his underwear was scratchy. I hoped his underwear crawled with ants. Red ants that bit.

They got closer. The pretty blond gaped at me with wide, curious eyes. Her eyelashes were long and coated in mascara.

"Who's your friend?" she asked. She didn't seem jealous to meet me though. As if it would be absurd that someone like me would be a threat. Someone like me would never practically stick my tongue down Jackson's throat.

Jackson didn't seem to hear her. His mouth stiffened.

"Hey. I thought you didn't work until later," he said to me.

"I don't." I glanced down at my work. "Homework." I sneaked another look at the gorgeous creature at his side.

"Oh." He brushed his bangs back. "How's your mom? She had her baby okay?"

I nodded. "Yeah. She's okay."

"Your mom had a baby?" the girl asked me. "That is totally weird."

"My mom is only thirty-three," I told her.

"Wow. My mom's like fifty. I can't imagine her having a baby." She scrunched up her pretty face.

I nodded and glanced down, pretending to mull over my math homework.

"You got your guitar okay?" Jackson asked.

"Guitar?" the annoying chick chirped.

I looked up.

"Uh. This is Carrie," he said to me. Based on the look on his face, his underwear had gotten even scratchier. "This is Jaz," he said to Carrie.

"I'm his girlfriend from Whistler," the blond told me, holding out her free hand to inspect her nails as if explaining she'd just come in first in a beauty pageant.

I swallowed. His girlfriend?

"Oh. Well, I only know Jackson from work," I babbled. "Barely." Not well enough to know he had a girlfriend. "Um. Nice to meet you, Carrie." I pushed myself up, needing to escape, no matter how rude that was. "I have to go to the bathroom. Excuse me."

I hurried past them, almost b.u.mping Carrie's coffee right out of her perfect hand as I squeezed past. Her perfect Caucasian hand.

"Jaz, hey, wait," Jackson called as I took off for the washroom.

"Jackson, what are you doing?" Carrie demanded in a huffy voice. "What's wrong with you?"

I picked up my pace until I reached the safety of the women's washroom. I burst through the door and dove into a stall, locking it behind myself and panting with humiliation.

I dropped my b.u.t.t on the toilet seat and put my head in my hands. A few minutes later, feet stepped inside the bathroom and stopped outside the stall.

"Jaz?"

Amber.

I groaned.

"He's gone," she said softly. "They left."

I nodded. "Okay," I said out loud. "Thanks."

"You should talk to him. Don't jump to conclusions," Amber said.

I snorted under my breath. "It's no big deal. We're just friends," I called.

Amber didn't answer but she left. A few minutes later, I skulked out of the stall. I returned to my table, packed up my homework, and hurried out the front door and walked home. I phoned on the way home and told Amber I wouldn't be able to work that night. She didn't even give me trouble.

At home I took the phone off the hook, shut off my cell, and went straight to bed.

Sunday afternoon, I reported for work grouchy and tired. Of course, Lacey and I were working together, and she decided to make it worse.

"Hey, Jaz. Did you hear Jackson brought his girlfriend to work yesterday?" She watched as I punched in for work, one hand on her hip and the other flicking back her blond hair. "I totally didn't know he had a girlfriend in Whistler, did you?"

I placed my time card in its slot.

"My mom had her baby," I said, staring at Lacey and willing her to shut up.

"Oh. Yeah. I heard that." Lacey fussed with the strings on the back of her ap.r.o.n. She smiled. "That's great. How's the baby doing?"

"He was early, so he's pretty little. They're watching his liver development. But Simon said he'll be okay."

"How about your mom?"

"Tired." I narrowed my eyes. "Simon's totally psyched about being a dad. Grandma said he's handing out chocolate cigars to everyone."

Lacey glanced toward the restaurant area. "That's great. I mean, I guess you're a big sister now, huh?"

I pictured the tiny little baby, and an intense surge of love stole the breath right out of me. "He looks like Simon."

"Mmm? Well, great."

Lacey twirled her hair as I pulled my ap.r.o.n off the hook and tied it around my back.

"So?" she asked. "Did you know Jackson had a girlfriend?"

She'd gotten back to what she really wanted to talk about. She knew me well enough to know I was crus.h.i.+ng hard on Jackson. What she didn't know was that I had unwillingly joined her club. The making-out-with-taken-guys club. And it felt horrible.

I ignored her and stomped toward the coffee pit. She followed, yapping close on my heels. "I didn't know he had a girlfriend. I heard she's really pretty. A cheerleader type."

I spun around. "Shut up, Lacey. For once, just shut the h.e.l.l up."

We stared at each other, shocked by the vehemence in my voice. I breathed as if all the air had been squeezed from my lungs. "I don't give a s.h.i.+t about Jackson or his stupid girlfriend," I lied. "You're concerned about the wrong thing. Again. Jackson didn't tell me he had a girlfriend, okay? Does that make you happy? Because Jackson's an a.s.shole? Well. So are you. You're both a.s.sholes and you're both s.h.i.+tty friends." I stared at Lacey, hating her as if she somehow had something to do with this too.

"I'm an a.s.shole?"

We both spun around.

Jackson cleared his throat and narrowed his eyes, peering at me from the other side of the counter. "And a s.h.i.+tty friend?"

"You are," I shouted and clenched my fists. Now that I'd taken off the lid, everything wanted to boil out. "I'm sick of you people acting like a bunch of children."

I pointed at Lacey. "You with my mom's boyfriend." I pointed at Jackson. "And you not bothering to tell me you had a girlfriend." I reached back, untied my ap.r.o.n, pulled it off, and threw it on the floor. "And who the h.e.l.l cares? I'm leaving."

It felt as if I was watching myself perform in some weird play. Jaz Evans didn't act like this. "Tell Amber I'm sorry I took off on my s.h.i.+ft," I called.

I rushed out of the coffee shop and broke into a run.

chapter sixteen.

I was running, heading toward a side street, when a car pulled up and idled behind me.

"Jaz. Hey, Jaz," Jackson called.

I didn't answer him but ran faster.

"Your legs are pretty long, but I don't think you can outrun my car."

"I don't see why not. It's a piece of s.h.i.+t," I yelled.

"Ouch. I'm an a.s.shole, and now my car is a piece of s.h.i.+t?"

My legs ached from running too fast and my lungs burned.

"Can you stop? I really need to talk to you."

I kept going.

"Jaz, come on," Jackson pleaded.

I puffed harder.

"I'm sorry," he called and cleared his throat. "That I didn't warn you about Carrie."

"I don't want to talk to you about your stupid girlfriend. I want to get some exercise." I yelled. My breath came in short puffs. "Go away."

"You're running in your work uniform, in case you forgot."

"So?"

"Well. You may have excellent running form, but you look kind of dorky," he called.

I stopped dead in my tracks, forcing Jackson to slam on his brakes to keep from hitting me.

"Don't you dare tell me I look dorky," I yelled, panting and grabbing my side. Stupid st.i.tch.

He s.h.i.+fted his car into park.

"Well, you kind of do," he pointed out.

His stereo played faintly inside the car. I heard a m.u.f.fled Green Day song. Figured. White-guy music.

"Well, at least I look like one. I am a dork. Look at you in your white-guy car, listening to white-guy music. Dating a blond with b.o.o.bs. You're a total faker." My hand dug into my side, trying to stifle the cramp. My eyes got teary, and that made me even madder.

Jackson opened his car door and stepped outside. "A faker?"

"No," I yelled at his face. "I don't want to hear c.r.a.p about accepting myself for who I am. You have the option of blending in. I don't."

"No one's asking you to," he said.

"Don't patronize me," I snarled. He took a step toward me, but I backed away.

"What do you want from me, Jackson? A close-up view of what it's like to look black and live in the white world? Well, too bad. I'm not going to give it to you. You're on your own."

He leaned against his car door, his arms crossed. "I want to be your friend. I like you. You're not making it easy to get to know you, but..."

"But what?" I interrupted before he embarra.s.sed me further. "I screwed it up and thought it was more and threw myself at you? So you had to haul out your girlfriend to show me how stupid I was? Well, guess what? You're right. I am stupid. But everyone makes mistakes, and that was the biggest mistake I ever made. Kissing you."

I shook my head, my humiliation and his pity making me furious. Pain and anger I'd been holding in forever rose to the surface. I was humiliated and tired of it. Tired of people pus.h.i.+ng me down. Letting me slide under while they just watched. I was tired of holding it all in. Pretending nothing bothered me.