The Constant Couple - LightNovelsOnl.com
You're reading novel online at LightNovelsOnl.com. Please use the follow button to get notifications about your favorite novels and its latest chapters so you can come back anytime and won't miss anything.
Oh, sir, are you come? I wonder, sir, how you have the confidence to approach me, after so base a trick.
_Colonel S._ Oh, madam, all your artifices won't avail.
_Lady L._ Nay, sir, your artifices won't avail. I thought, sir, that I gave you caution enough against troubling me with Sir Harry Wildair's company, when I sent his letters back by you; yet you, forsooth, must tell him where I lodged, and expose me again to his impertinent courts.h.i.+p!
_Colonel S._ I expose you to his courts.h.i.+p!
_Lady L._ I'll lay my life you'll deny it now. Come, come, sir: a pitiful lie is as scandalous to a red coat, as an oath to a black.
_Colonel S._ You're all lies; first, your heart is false; your eyes are double; one look belies another; and then your tongue does contradict them all--Madam, I see a little devil just now hammering out a lie in your pericranium.
_Lady L._ As I hope for mercy, he's in the right on't. [_Aside._
_Colonel. S._ Yes, yes, madam, I exposed you to the courts.h.i.+p of your fool Clincher, too; I hope your female wiles will impose that upon me----also----
_Lady L._ Clincher! Nay, now you're stark mad. I know no such person.
_Colonel S._ Oh, woman in perfection! not know him! 'Slife, madam, can my eyes, my piercing jealous eyes, be so deluded? Nay, madam, my nose could not mistake him; for I smelt the fop by his pulvilio, from the balcony down to the street.
_Lady L._ The balcony! ha! ha! ha! the balcony! I'll be hanged but he has mistaken Sir Harry Wildair's footman, with a new French livery, for a beau.
_Colonel S._ 'Sdeath, madam! what is there in me that looks like a cully? Did I not see him?
_Lady L._ No, no, you could not see him; you're dreaming, colonel. Will you believe your eyes, now that I have rubbed them open?--Here, you friend.
_Enter_ TOM ERRAND, _in_ CLINCHER SENIOR'S _Clothes_.
_Colonel S._ This is illusion all; my eyes conspire against themselves.
Tis legerdemain.
_Lady L._ Legerdemain! Is that all your acknowledgment for your rude behaviour?--Oh, what a curse is it to love as I do!--Begone sir, [_To_ TOM ERRAND.] to your impertinent master, and tell him I shall never be at leisure to receive any of his troublesome visits.--Send to me to know when I should be at home!--Begone, sir. [_Exit_ TOM ERRAND.] I am sure he has made me an unfortunate woman. [_Weeps._
_Colonel S._ Nay, then there is no certainty in nature; and truth is only falsehood well disguised.
_Lady L._ Sir, had not I owned my fond, foolish pa.s.sion, I should not have been subject to such unjust suspicions: but it is an ungrateful return. [_Weeping._
_Colonel S._ Now, where are all my firm resolves? I hope, madam, you'll pardon me, since jealousy, that magnified my suspicion, is as much the effect of love, as my easiness in being satisfied.
_Lady L._ Easiness in being satisfied! No, no, sir; cherish your suspicions, and feed upon your jealousy: 'tis fit meat for your squeamish stomach.
With me all women should this rule pursue: Who think us false, should never find us true. [_Exit in a Rage._
_Enter_ CLINCHER SENIOR _in_ TOM ERRAND'S _Clothes_.
_Clinch. sen._ Well, intriguing is the prettiest, pleasantest thing for a man of my parts.--How shall we laugh at the husband, when he is gone?--How sillily he looks! He's in labour of horns already.--To make a colonel a cuckold! 'Twill be rare news for the alderman.
_Colonel S._ All this Sir Harry has occasioned; but he's brave, and will afford me a just revenge.--Oh, this is the porter I sent the challenge by----Well sir, have you found him?
_Clinch. sen._ What the devil does he mean now?
_Colonel S._ Have you given Sir Harry the note, fellow?
_Clinch. sen._ The note! what note?
_Colonel S._ The letter, blockhead, which I sent by you to Sir Harry Wildair; have you seen him?
_Clinch. sen._ Oh, lord, what shall I say now? Seen him? Yes, sir--no, sir.--I have, sir--I have not, sir.
_Colonel S._ The fellow's mad. Answer me directly, sirrah, or I'll break your head.
_Clinch. sen._ I know Sir Harry very well, sir; but as to the note, sir, I can't remember a word on't: truth is, I have a very bad memory.
_Colonel S._ Oh, sir, I'll quicken your memory. [_Strikes him._
_Clinch. sen._ Zouns, sir, hold!--I did give him the note.
_Colonel S._ And what answer?
_Clinch. sen._ I mean, I did not give him the note.
_Colonel S._ What, d'ye banter, rascal? [_Strikes him again._
_Clinch. sen._ Hold, sir, hold! He did send an answer.
_Colonel S._ What was't, villain?
_Clinch. sen._ Why, truly sir, I have forgot it: I told you that I had a very treacherous memory.
_Colonel S._ I'll engage you shall remember me this month, rascal.
[_Beats him, and exit._
_Enter_ LUREWELL _and_ PARLY.
_Lady L._ Oh, my poor gentleman! and was it beaten?
_Clinch. sen._ Yes, I have been beaten. But where's my clothes? my clothes?
_Lady L._ What, you won't leave me so soon, my dear, will ye?
_Clinch. sen._ Will ye!--If ever I peep into the colonel's tent again, may I be forced to run the gauntlet. But my clothes, madam.
_Lady L._ I sent the porter down stairs with them: did not you meet him?
_Clinch. sen._ Meet him? No, not I.
_Parly._ No! He went out at the back door, and is run clear away, I'm afraid.
_Clinch. sen._ Gone, say you, and with my clothes, my fine Jubilee clothes?--Oh, the rogue, the thief!--I'll have him hang'd for murder--But how shall I get home in this pickle?