The Funny Side of Physic Part 90

3. _With the hand_ apply cool or tepid water to the entire person every six to twenty-four hours. The electricity from the hand _equalizes_ the circulation. Rub dry with a soft towel. A coa.r.s.e scrubbing-cloth (even a hemlock board) does nicely for a hog, but do not apply such to human beings. It is quite unnatural.

4. Do not sleep in any garment at night worn during the day. Have your windows open as wide as you will, and bars to keep out flies and mosquitos. Keep a sheet over the limbs, to exclude the hot air from the surface.

5. Eat fruits, and but little meats. You will find, as a general rule, all ripe fruit healthy in its season. I have lived in the South several years, and know whereof I affirm.

6. And above all--_keep cool_!

KNICKKNACKS.

_More Truth than Poetry._--The following conversation between a colored prisoner and a temperance lecturer who was in search of facts to fortify his positions and ill.u.s.trate his subject, explains itself:--

"What brought you to prison, my colored friend?"

"Two constables, sah."

"Yes; but I mean, had intemperance anything to do with it?"

"Yes, sah; dey wuz bofe uv 'em drunk, sah."

_Humble Pie._--The humble pie of former times was a pie made out of the "umbles" or entrails of the deer; a dish of the second table, inferior, of course, to the venison pastry which smoked upon the dais, and therefore not inexpressive of that humiliation which the term "eating humble pie"

now painfully describes. The "umbles" of the deer are usually the perquisites of the gamekeeper.

_Increase of Insanity._--Insanity in England is rapidly increasing. In 1861, when the population was 19,860,701, there were 36,702 lunatics, being nineteen in every ten thousand persons. In 1871, with a population of 22,704,108, there were 56,735 lunatics, or twenty-five out of every ten thousand persons. Of these lunatics 6,110 were private patients.

_Error of Diagnosis._--"Doctor," said a hard-looking, brandy-faced customer a few days ago to a physician! "Doctor, I'm troubled with an oppression and uneasiness about the breast. What do you suppose the matter is?"

"All very easily accounted for," said the physician; "you have water on the chest."

"Water! Come, that'll do very well for a joke; but how could I get water on my chest when I haven't touched a drop in twenty years? If you had said brandy, you might have hit it."

_Ferocity of a Wasp._--A lady at Grantham observed a wasp tearing a common fly to pieces on the breakfast table. When first noticed the wasp grasped the fly firmly, and had cut off a leg and a wing, so that its rescue would have been no kindness. The wasp was covered with a basin until it should receive a murderer's doom; and when the basin was removed for its execution, nothing was seen of the fly but the wings and a number of little black pieces.

Madame Regina Dal Cin, a famous surgeon of Austria, having performed one hundred and fifty successful operations in the city hospital at Trieste, was rewarded by the munic.i.p.al authorities with a letter of thanks and a purse of gold.

_A Cool Student._--In the Quartier Latin, Paris, a student was lying in bed, to which he had gone supperless, trying to devise some means to raise the wind; suddenly, in the dead of night, his reveries were disturbed by a "click." Stealthily raising himself in bed, he saw a burglar endeavoring to open his desk with skeleton keys. The student burst into fits of laughter; the frightened thief, astounded, inquired the cause of his glee.

"Why, I am laughing to see you take so much trouble to force open my desk and pick the lock to find the money which I cannot find though I have the key." The thief picked up his implements, politely expressed his regret for having uselessly disturbed him, and transferred his talents and implements to some more Californian quarter.

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE BURGLAR AND STUDENT.]

_How to get rid of a Mother-in-Law._--During the recent small-pox excitement in Indianapolis, an excited individual rushed into a telegraph office, hurriedly wrote a despatch, and handed the same to the able and talented clerk. The message bore the startling intelligence that the sender's wife was down with the small-pox, and closed with the request that his mother-in-law come "immediately." While making change, the telegraph man said, "My friend, are you not afraid your mother-in-law will take the small-pox?" Without vouchsafing an immediate reply to the query, the dutiful son-in-law remarked, "Sir, are you a married man?" "No, sir, I am not." "Then, sir, take my word for it, it's all right. Just bring the old woman along."

_A Dying Request._--A kind physician living near Boston, wis.h.i.+ng to smooth the last hours of a poor woman whom he was attending, asked her if there was anything he could do for her before she died. The poor soul, looking up, replied, "Doctor, I have always thought I should like to have a gla.s.s b.u.t.ter-dish before I died."

[Ill.u.s.tration]

XXVIII.

BLEEDERS AND BUTCHERS.

"Three special months, September, April, May, There are in which 'tis good to ope a vein: In these three months the moon bears greatest sway; Then old or young that store of blood contain.

September, April, May, have daies apiece That bleeding do forbid, _and eating geese_."

BLEEDING IN 1872.--EARLIEST BLOOD-LETTERS.--A ROYAL SURGEON.--A DRAWING JOKE.--THE PRETTY COQUETTE.--TINKERS AS BLEEDERS.--WHOLESALE BUTCHERY.--THE BARBERS OF SOUTH AMERICA.--OUR FOREFATHERS BLEED.--A FRENCH BUTCHER.--CUR?--ABERNETHY OPPOSES BLOOD-LETTING.--THE MISFORTUNES OF A BARBER-SURGEON (THREE SCENES FROM DOUGLAS JERROLD) JOB PIPPINS AND THE WAGONER; JOB AND THE HIGHWAYMEN; JOB NAKED AND JOB DRESSED.

When, in the year of our Lord 1872, a full half dozen educated physicians meet around the dying bed of a _Rich_ man in this city to quarrel over him, and in the absence of one branch of the faction, the other a.s.sume charge of the patient, whom they _bleed_ and leave _in articulo mortis_, it is not too late to take up the subject of venesection.

Podalirius is supposed to have been the first man who employed blood-letting, since whose time the lancet is said to have slain more than the sword; and, notwithstanding the many lives that have been sacrificed to this b.l.o.o.d.y absurdity, it is still practised by those who claim to have all science and wisdom for its sanction.

It is useless to bring one learned man's opinion against it, because another's can be found equally wise to offset him: the great public has condemned the practice. It early fell into disrepute with the more refined, notwithstanding some kings took to bleeding as naturally as butchers.

A ROYAL SURGEON.

A gentleman who was about retiring, after having dined with a friend at St. James's, fell down a flight of stairs, which fall completely stunned him. On his recovery he found himself sitting on the floor, while a little old gentleman was busily attending to his wants, was.h.i.+ng the blood from his head, and sticking a piece of plaster on to some variegated cuts for which he could not account. His surprise kept him silent till the kind and very convenient surgeon was through with the operation, when the patient arose from the floor, limped forward with extended hand, to offer his profound thanks, if not fees, to his benefactor, when an attendant instantly checked him with such intimation as to further astonish the gentleman by the knowledge that for his kind a.s.sistance he was indebted to George II., King of England.--_Percy's Anecdotes._

[Ill.u.s.tration: a.s.sISTANCE FROM A ROYAL SURGEON.]

A DRAWING JOKE.

Several kings and great lords are made mention of as being particularly fond of using the lancet. Peter the Great of Russia was remarkably fond of witnessing dissections and surgical operations. He even used to carry a case of instruments in his pocket. He often visited the hospitals to witness capital operations, at times a.s.sisting in person, and was able to dissect properly, to bleed a patient, and extract a tooth as well as one of the faculty.

[Ill.u.s.tration: PETER THE GREAT AS A SURGEON.]

The pretty wife of one of the czar's valets had the following unpleasant experience of his skill. The husband of the "maid" accused her of flirting, and vowed revenge. The czar noticed the valet seated in the ante-room, looking forlorn, and asked the cause of his dejection. The wicked valet replied that his wife had a tooth which gave her great pain, keeping them both awake day and night, but would not have it drawn.

"Send her to me," said the czar.