The Funny Side of Physic Part 89

There was a female in Lancas.h.i.+re, whose death was noticed in the Times, called the "Cricket of the Hedge," who lived to be one hundred and forty-one years, less a few days. The Countess Desmond arrived at the remarkable age of one hundred and forty years.

One might suppose the allotted threescore and ten years a sufficiently long time to satisfy one to live in poverty in this world; but Henry Jenkins lived and died at the age of _one hundred and sixty-nine years_, in abject penury. He was a native of Yorks.h.i.+re, and died in 1670.

WHY WE DIE.

But few of the human race die of old age. Besides the thousand and one diseases flesh is heir to, and the disease which Mrs. O'Flannagan said her husband died of, viz., "Of a Sat.u.r.day 'tis that poor Mike died," very many die of disappointment. More _fret_ out. Mr. Beecher said, "It is the fretting that wears out the machinery; friction, not the real wear."

"Choked with pa.s.sion" is no chimera; for pa.s.sion often kills the unfortunate possessor of an irritable temper, sometimes suddenly. Care and over-anxiety sweep away thousands annually.

Let us see how long a man should live. The horse lives twenty-five years; the ox fifteen or twenty; the lion about twenty; the dog ten or twelve; the rabbit eight; the guinea-pig six or seven years. These numbers all bear a similar proportion to the time the animal takes to grow to its full size. But man, of all animals, is the one that seldom comes up to his average. He ought to live a hundred years, according to this physiological law, for five times twenty are one hundred; but instead of that, he scarcely reaches, on the average, four times his growing period; the cat six times; and the rabbit even eight times the standard of measurement.

The reason is obvious. Man is not only the most irregular and the most intemperate, but the most laborious and hard-worked of all animals. He is also the most irritable of all animals; and there is reason to believe, though we cannot tell what an animal secretly feels, that, more than any other animal, man cherishes wrath to keep it warm, and consumes himself with the fire of his secret reflections.

"Age dims the l.u.s.tre of the eye, and pales the roses on beauty's cheek; while crows' feet, and furrows, and wrinkles, and lost teeth, and gray hairs, and bald head, and tottering limbs, and limping, most sadly mar the human form divine. But dim as the eye is, pallid and sunken as may be the face of beauty, and frail and feeble that once strong, erect, and manly body, the immortal soul, just fledging its wings for its home in heaven, may look out through those faded windows as beautiful as the dewdrop of summer's morning, as melting as the tears that glisten in affection's eye, by growing kindly, by cultivating sympathy with all human kind, by cheris.h.i.+ng forbearance towards the follies and foibles of our race, and feeding, day by day, on that love to G.o.d and man which lifts us from the brute, and makes us akin to angels."

GET MARRIED.

There's nothing like it. Get married early. The majority of men save nothing, amount to nothing, until they are married. Don't get married _too much_. There was a man up in court recently for being too much married. A well-matched, temperate couple grow old, to be sure, but they "grow old gracefully." When people venture the second and third time in the "marriage lottery," it is fair to presume the first experience was a happy one. Here is a case:--

AN OLD PEOPLE'S WEDDING.

"Married, in Gerry, Chautauqua County, New York, November 6, 1864, by Elder Jonathan Wilson, aged eighty-eight, Silva.n.u.s Fisher, a widower, aged eighty-two, to Priscilla Cowder, a widow, aged seventy-six, all of Gerry."

What were their habits? Did they drink, smoke, or chew? Did they dissipate in any way? Who will tell us how these aged people managed to keep up their youthful spirits so long?. We should like to publish the recipe for "the benefit of whom it concerns."

A GOOD ONE.

A Maryland paper tells the story of a marriage under difficulties, where first the bridegroom failed to appear at the appointed time through bashfulness, and was discovered, pursued, and only "brought to" with a shot gun. The bride then became indignant, and refused to marry so faint-hearted a swain. And finally, the clergyman, who is something of a wag, settled the matter by threatening to have them both arrested for breach of promise unless the ceremony was immediately performed--which it was.

[Ill.u.s.tration: AN INDIGNANT BRIDE.]

THE HONEYMOON.

The origin of the honeymoon is not generally known.

The Saxons long and long ago got up the delightful occasion. Amongst the ancient Saxons and Teutons a beverage was made of honey and water, and sometimes flavored with mulberries. This drink was used especially at weddings and the after festivals. These festivals were kept up among the n.o.bility sometimes for a month--"monath." The "hunig monath" was thus established, and the next moon after the marriage was called the honeymoon.

Alaric, about the fifth century king of the Saxons and Western Goths, is said to have actually died on his wedding night from drinking too freely of the honeyed beverage,--at least he died before morning,--and it certainly would seem to be a charitable inference to draw, since he partook very deeply of the "festive drink." It was certainly a sweet oblivion, "yet it should be a warning to posterity, as showing that even bridegrooms may make too merry."

Dr. Blanchet recently read a paper before the Academy of Science, Paris, relative to some cases of "long sleep," or lethargic slumber. One of them related to a lady twenty years of age, who took a sleeping fit during her _honeymoon_, which lasted fifty days.

"During this long period a false front tooth had to be taken out in order to introduce milk and broth into her mouth. This was her only food; she remained motionless, insensible, and all her muscles were in a state of contraction. Her pulse was low, her breathing scarcely perceptible; there was no evacuation, no leanness; her complexion was florid and healthy.

The other cases were exactly similar. Dr. Blanchet is of opinion that in such cases no stimulants or forced motion ought to be employed.

"The report did not say whether the husband was pleased or not with her long silence."

There is too much talk in the world about woman's "_jaw_." As for me, give me the woman who can _talk_; the faster and more sense the better.

"MANY MEN, MANY MINDS."

There are in the United States about thirty-five thousand physicians. Of this number about five thousand are Homeopathists, and nearly thirty thousand are what is wrongly termed Allopathists.

Allopathic--Allopathy.--The dictionaries say this term means "the employment of medicines in order to produce effects different from those resulting from the disease--a term invented by Hahnemann to designate the ordinary practice as opposed to Homeopathy." The term is not acknowledged by physicians, only as a nick, or false one, given by the Hahnemannites to regular pract.i.tioners. "Never allow yourself," says Professor Wood, author of the American or U. S. Dispensatory, "to be called an Allopath. It is an opprobrious name, given by the enemies of regular physicians." It is, moreover, very inappropriate, for we give other remedies besides those of counter-irritation; as, for instance, an emetic for nausea.

The first regular physicians of Boston were Dr. John Walon, Dr. John Cutler, and Dr. Zabdal Boylston. Some of the earlier doctors had acted in the double capacity of minister and physician, as previously mentioned.

Ma.s.sachusetts has now twelve hundred "regular" doctors, three hundred, or more, homeopathists, and some hundred botanics, etc. Boston has three hundred and twenty "allopathics," about fifty homeopathists, a dozen "eclectics," one hundred and twenty of miscellaneous, and eighty-four female doctors.

Surely some of them must needs "scratch for a living;" yet there is always room for a first-cla.s.s pract.i.tioner anywhere.

THE ITCH MITE.

As we are speaking of "scratching" we will mention the itch mite, which we propose to give particular--sulphur--in this chapter.

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE ITCH MITE.]

The animal which makes one love to scratch is from one sixteenth to one seventeenth of an inch in length, and may be seen with the naked eye if the eye is sharp enough to "see it."

The luxury of scratching is said to greatly compensate for the filthy disease known as the "itch."

Dr. Ellitson says "a Scotch king--viz., James I.--is alleged to have said that no subject deserved to have the itch--none but Royalty--on account of the great pleasure derived from scratching." The king was said to have spoken from experience.

In these days of filthy horse-cars (we are speaking of New York), this fact may be interesting to pa.s.sengers.

A HORSE-CAR RIDE.

Never full; pack 'em in; Move up, fat men, squeeze in, thin; Trunks, valises, boxes, bundles, Fill up gaps as on she tumbles.

Market baskets without number; Owners easy nod in slumber; Thirty seated, forty standing, A dozen more on either landing.

Old man lifts his signal finger, Car slacks up, but not a linger; He's jerked aboard by sleeve or shoulder, Shoved inside to sweat and moulder.

Toes are trod on, hats are smashed, Dresses soiled, hoop skirts crashed, Thieves are busy, bent on plunder; Still we rattle on like thunder.

Packed together, unwashed bodies Bathed in fumes of whiskey toddies; Tobacco, garlic, cheese, and lager beer Perfume the heated atmosphere; Old boots, pipes, leather, and tan, And, if in luck, a "soap-fat man;"

Ar'n't we jolly? What a blessing!

A horse-car hash, with such a dressing!

HOW TO KEEP COOL.

1. _Don't fan yourself._ Those persons who are continually using a fan are ever telling you "how awful hot it is." Look at their faces! Red hot!

Human nature is a contrary jade. The more you blow with a fan that warm air on your face, the more blood it calls to that part, and the more blood the more heat. So don't fan.

2. _Don't drink ice-water._ Cold, iced water is excellent for a fever, perhaps (_similia similibus curantur_); but if you drink it down when you are merely warm from outward heat, you get up an internal fever, which is increased in proportion as you take that unnatural beverage into the stomach. I drink tea, chocolate, coffee. Some persons cannot drink the latter. _Then don't_; but take black tea; not too strong, nor scalding hot. If very thirsty after, take small quant.i.ties of cold (not iced) water. Don't take ice-cream. It increases heat and thirst. Soda-water is less objectionable. Sprinkling the carpet with water several times a day keeps the room cooler. If there are small children or invalids, this may be objectionable.