Among the Humorists and After Dinner Speakers Part 25

"And yet," said the reminiscencer, "it sometimes works the other way.

I heard a story in England once of a harness dealer who on entering his shop one afternoon, after an absence of several hours, noticed that a rather handsome saddle that he had had in stock had disappeared. He made immediate inquiry of his salesmen, and one of them informed him that he had sold it to a gentleman who had come to the shop with his trap, that the purchaser had thrown it into his wagon and driven off, after telling him to charge it. Unfortunately, however, he had forgotten to ask the gentleman's name, and all effort to identify him by description failed.

"'Well,' said the shopkeeper, who was an ingenious man, 'there is only one thing left to be done. We will charge the saddle up on all our outstanding accounts. Those who did not buy the saddle will, of course, call our attention to our error, and the man who did take it will, of course, pay."

"This method was adopted, and at the beginning of the next month the bills were sent out accordingly. Two weeks later the saddler approached his cas.h.i.+er, and asked if he had heard as yet about the matter. 'How about that missing saddle, Marcus?' he asked. 'We are doing very well, sir,' replied the cas.h.i.+er. 'Forty of our customers have paid for it, and only two have discovered the mistake.'"

The story is told of a young Oregon girl, a favorite in society, but who was poor and had to take care not to get her evening gowns soiled, as their number was limited. At a dance not long ago a great, big, red-faced, perspiring man came in and asked her to dance. He wore no gloves. She looked at the well-meaning moist hands despairingly, and thought of the immaculate back of her waist. She hesitated a bit, and then she said, with a winning smile:

"Of course I will dance with you, but if you don't mind, won't you please use your handkerchief?"

The man looked at her blankly a moment or two. Then a light broke over his face.

"Why, certainly," he said.

And he pulled out his handkerchief and blew his nose.

Willie finally persuaded his aunt to play train with him. The chairs were arranged in line and then he said:

"Now, you be engineer and I'll be the conductor. Lend me your watch and get up into your cab." He then hurried down the platform, timepiece in hand.

"Pull out there, you red-headed, pie-faced jay," he shouted to the astonished young woman.

"Why, Willie," she exclaimed in amazement.

"That's right, chew the rag," he retorted. "Pull out. We're five minutes late already."

They have had to forbid his playing down by the tracks.

Andrew Lang once wrote to Israel Zangwill to ask him to take part in an author's reading for the benefit of a charity, and received in reply the following laconic message: "If A. Lang will--I. Zangwill."

Mr. Peet, a rather diffident man, was unable to prevent himself from being introduced one evening to a fascinating young lady, who, misunderstanding his name, constantly addressed him as Mr. Peters, much to the gentleman's distress. Finally, summoning courage, he bashfully but earnestly remonstrated:

"Oh, don't call me Peters; call me Peet!"

"Ah, but I don't know you well enough, Mr. Peters," said the young lady, blus.h.i.+ng as she playfully withdrew behind her fan.

Senator Tillman, of South Carolina, tells of a little girl whose statements were always exaggerated until she became known in school and Sunday-school as a "little liar." Her parents were dreadfully worried about her, and made strenuous efforts to correct the bad habit. One afternoon her mother overheard an argument with her playmate. Willie Bangs, who seemed to finish the discussion by saying emphatically: "I'm older than you, 'cause my birthday comes first, in May, and yours don't come until September."

"Oh, of course your birthday comes first," sneeringly answered little Nellie; "but that is 'cause you came down first. I remember looking at the angels when they were making you."

"Come here, Nellie; come here instantly," cried her mother. "It is breaking mother's heart," said she, "to hear you tell such awful stories. Remember what happened to Ananias and Sapphira, don't you?"

"Oh, yes, mama, I know. They were struck dead for lying. I saw them carried into the corner drugstore."

The relations.h.i.+p between Mr. Gladstone and his wife was one of the most beautiful the world has known, and of all the millions who looked up to him, she was his greatest admirer. On one occasion when Mrs.

Gladstone was entertaining visitors, conversation turned on the Bible, and there was a lively argument on the meaning of a certain pa.s.sage.

Presently one of the callers, hoping to end the discussion, remarked devoutly:

"There is One alone who knows all."

The cloud vanished from Mrs. Gladstone's face and she smiled sunnily as she said:

"Yes, and William will be down in a few minutes."

Mabel (testing the wisdom of the grown-ups).--"Well, how did Martin Luther die?"

Uncle Jim.--"Die? Oh, in the ordinary way, I suppose."

Mabel.--"Oh, Uncle! you really don't know anything. He was excommunicated by a bull."

Small Robbie was laboring over a drawing which was obviously of great importance.

His mother, who was sewing in the room, got up to see what he was doing.

"What is it you're drawing, dear?" she said, as she stood behind him.

Robbie was embarra.s.sed. Struggling to cover his nervousness, he answered with an air of great nonchalance:

"Oh, it's papa I'm drawing, but I don't care anything about it. Guess I'll put a tail to it, and have it for a dog."

It is told of Charles Lamb, that one afternoon, returning from a dinner-party, having taken a seat in a crowded omnibus, a stout gentleman subsequently looked in, and politely asked, "All full inside?" "I don't know how it may be with the _other_ pa.s.sengers,"

answered Lamb, "but that last piece of oyster-pie did the business for _me_."

One of the ladies-in-waiting to the late Queen Victoria had a very bright little daughter about four years old of whom the Queen was very fond.

The Queen invited the child to have lunch with her.

Of course the mother was highly pleased, and charged the little girl to be very careful about her table manners, and to be very polite and careful before the Queen.