Among the Humorists and After Dinner Speakers Part 24

The small son of a certain university professor, whose parents are deservedly popular for their tact and courteous speech, appeared at the home of a fellow professor and hesitatingly asked Mrs. X. if he might look at the parlor rug. Permission was, of course, granted, and Mrs. X. felt some surprise to see the little fellow stoop over the rug and stare silently for some half-minute. He straightened himself up and, meeting her wondering expression, said triumphantly:

"It doesn't make _me_ sick!"

Uncle Harry was a bachelor and not fond of babies. Even winsome four-year-old Helen failed to win his heart. Every one made too much fuss over the youngster, Uncle Harry declared.

One day Helen's mother was called downstairs and with fear and trembling asked Uncle Harry, who was stretched out on a sofa, if he would keep his eye on Helen. Uncle Harry grunted "Yes," but never stirred from his position--in truth his eyes were tight shut.

By-and-by wee Helen tiptoed over to the sofa and leaning over Uncle Harry softly inquired:

"Feepy?"

"No," growled Uncle Harry.

"Tired?" ventured Helen.

"No," said her uncle.

"Sick?" further inquired Helen, with real sympathy in her voice.

"No," still insisted Uncle Harry.

"Dus' feel b.u.m, hey?"

And that won the uncle!

A member of the faculty of the University of Wisconsin tells of some amusing replies made by a pupil undergoing an examination in English.

The candidate had been instructed to write out examples of the indicative, the subjunctive, the potential, and the exclamatory moods.

His effort resulted as follows:

"I am endeavoring to pa.s.s an English examination. If I answer twenty questions I shall pa.s.s. If I answer twelve questions I may pa.s.s. G.o.d help me!"

A clergyman was very anxious to introduce some hymn-books into the church, and arranged with his clerk that the latter was to give out the notice immediately after the sermon. The clerk, however, had a notice of his own to give out with reference to the baptism of infants. Accordingly, at the close of the sermon he arose and announced that "All those who have children whom they wish to have baptized please send in their names at once to the clerk." The clergyman, who was stone deaf, a.s.sumed that the clerk was giving out the hymn-book notice, and immediately rose and said: "And I should say, for the benefit of those who haven't any, that they may obtain some from the ushers any day from three to four o'clock; the ordinary little ones at twenty-five cents each, and special ones at fifty cents."

Clyde Fitch, the brilliant playwright, said of a jeweled watch that had been sent him by a Scotch admirer in Peebles:

"A jeweled watch from Peebles. How strangely unexpected! It reminds me of an open-air performance of 'As You Like It' that I once rehea.r.s.ed.

"I rehea.r.s.ed this amateur performance in a garden that was overlooked by a building operation. As my amateurs postured and chanted the bard's beautiful lines, bricklayers above us laid bricks, carpenters planed boards, and masons chipped stones.

"And one afternoon, during a silent pause in our rehearsal, we heard a voice from the building operation say gravely:

"'I prithee, malapert, pa.s.s me yonder brick.'"

A clergyman who was very popular with his congregation saw a lady about to call whom he was anxious not to meet. So he said to his wife:

"I'll run upstairs, my dear, and escape till she goes away."

After about an hour he quietly tiptoed to the stair landing and listened. All was quiet below. Rea.s.sured, he began to descend, and called out over the bal.u.s.trade:

"Well, my dear, you got rid of that old bore at last?"

The next instant a voice from below rooted him to the spot. It was the voice of the caller! Then came a response which sounded inexpressibly sweet to him. It was the voice of his wife:

"Yes, dear, she went away over an hour ago; but here is our good friend, Mrs. Blank, whom I am sure you want to meet."

A lady and her little daughter were walking through a fas.h.i.+onable street when they came to a portion of the street strewn with straw, so as to deaden the noise of vehicles pa.s.sing a certain house.

"What's that for, ma?" said the child, to which the mother replied, "The lady who lives in that house, my dear, has had a little baby girl sent her." The child thought a moment, looked at the quant.i.ty of straw, and said: "Awfully well packed, wasn't she, ma?"

A politician, upon his arrival at one of the small towns in North Dakota, where he was to make a speech the following day, found that the two so-called hotels were crowded to the doors.

Not having telegraphed for accommodations, the politician discovered that he would have to make s.h.i.+ft as best he could.

He was compelled for that night to sleep on a wire cot which had only some blankets and a sheet on it. As the statesman is a fat man, he found his improvised bed anything but comfortable.

"Well," asked a friend, when the politician appeared in the dining-room in the morning, "how did you sleep?"

"Oh, fairly well," replied the statesman, nonchalantly, "but I looked like a waffle when I got up."

William Waldorf Astor, before he set out for his English home, said, apropos of the Russo-j.a.panese War: "Nations engaged in war not only harm each other, but they lay themselves open to harm at the hands of all sorts of other nations. In fact, two nations at war are in the defenseless and gullible position of a certain English married couple.

"This couple will fall out and cease to speak to one another for a year or more at a time. They have a beautiful country house, and there is a certain elderly matron, a great bore, who visits them continually. Some one asked this matron which of the pair was always inviting her. She answered, frankly, 'Neither invites me ever, but since they don't speak to each other, each always thinks I am the other's guest.'"

They were talking over the carelessness of well-to-do people who, by overlooking their small bills, frequently bring disaster upon the tradesmen who are trying to do business on a small capital.

"It sometimes happens that these poor devils have two or three times the amount of their capital out in bills that if paid promptly would make their commercial ways a path of roses," said the economist.

"Little bills of three, four, and five dollars, not much in themselves, mount up high in the aggregate, and it sometimes happens that a seeming prosperity, through the failure of a lot of customers to pay their bills within a reasonable time, results in ruin.