Among the Humorists and After Dinner Speakers Part 21

"Yes, William," she said, "it is a grand thing, but if I were you I would have put on my trousers."

One evening as the mother of the little niece of Phillips Brooks was tucking her snugly in bed the maid stepped in and said there was a caller waiting in the parlor. The mother told the child to say her prayers and promised that she would be back in a few minutes.

The caller remained only a short time, and when the mother went upstairs again she asked the little girl if she had done as she was bidden.

"Yes, mama, I did and I didn't," she said.

"What do you mean by that, dear?"

"Well, mama, I was awfully sleepy, so I just asked G.o.d if he wouldn't excuse me to-night and He said, 'Oh, don't mention it, Miss Brooks.'"

"Would you mind walking the other w'y and not pa.s.sing the 'orse?" said a London cabman with exaggerated politeness to the fat lady who had just paid a minimum fare.

"Why?" she inquired.

"Because if 'e sees wot 'e's been carryin' for a s.h.i.+lling 'e'll 'ave a fit."

One afternoon during a recent sea voyage of Ex-Amba.s.sador Choate the waves were unpleasantly high, and the s.h.i.+p was rolling a bit, to the discomfiture of some pa.s.sengers.

Mr. Choate remarked: "'Tis better to have lunched and lost than never to have lunched at all."

A certain minister was deeply impressed by an address on the evils of smoking given at a recent synod. He rose from his seat, went over to a fellow minister, and said:

"Brother, this morning I received a present of 100 good cigars. I have smoked one of them, but now I'm going home to burn the remainder in the fire."

The other minister arose, and said it was his intention to accompany his reverend brother.

"I mean to rescue the ninety and nine," he added.

Expecting a visit from the superintendent of an adjacent Sunday-school one Sunday afternoon, one enterprising teacher, antic.i.p.ating the line of questions which would be asked of the scholars selected a boy from her cla.s.s to answer each question. As she had figured it out, the visitor would first ask the pupils the question, "Who made you?" and the first pupil was, of course, to answer "G.o.d." The next question was to be "Of what?" to which the answer was to be "Of the dust of the earth." Unfortunately between the time that Sunday-school was called to order and the visiting superintendent took the floor, the first pupil was taken sick and obliged to go home. The teacher did not have the opportunity to readjust her forces, and when the first question was asked, the second boy thought it a good opportunity for him to get in his answer and have it off his mind; so to the question, "Who made you?" he answered, "Of the dust of the earth."

"Oh, no," said the visitor. "G.o.d made you."

"No, sir; He did not," said the youngster. "The little boy that G.o.d made has gone home sick, and I am the dust of the earth."

When General Grant was in London on his trip around the world he was invited to Windsor Castle by Queen Victoria. The queen received the party in one of the private audience chambers and chatted with General Grant for a few moments before dinner was served.

Jesse Grant, then a small boy, was with the general, and stood just behind him. As the general was talking, Jesse pulled impatiently at his coat-tails a number of times. Finally, the general turned half-way, and Jesse whispered:

"Pa, can't I be introduced?"

"Your Majesty," said the general, "I should like to present my son, Master Jesse."

The queen shook Jesse's hand cordially, and that young man, thinking it inc.u.mbent on him to say something, glanced approvingly around the room and said: "Fine house you have here, ma'am."

Daniel J. Sully, the former Cotton King, made a trip through the South one winter, and when he came back he told a story of an old negro who had been working for a cotton planter time out of mind. One morning he came to his employer and said:

"I'se gwineter quit, boss."

"What's the matter, Mose?"

"Well, sah, yer manager, Mistah Winter, ain't kicked me in de las'

free mumfs."

"I ordered him not to kick you any more. I don't want anything like that around my place. I don't want any one to hurt your feelings, Mose."

"Ef I don't git any more kicks I'se goin' to quit. Ebery time Mistah Winter used ter kick and cuff me when he wuz mad he always git 'shamed of hisself and gimme a quarter. I'se done los' enuff money a'ready wid dis heah foolishness 'bout hurtin' ma feelin's."

A Chicago mistress had given the butcher her daily order over the telephone. Later in the day she decided to change it a little, and countermanded an order she had given for some liver.

Calling up the butcher, she said:

"You remember that I gave you an order this morning for a pound of liver?"

"Yes," answered the butcher.

"Well, I find that I can get along without it, and you need not send it."

Before she could put down the receiver she heard the butcher say to some one in the store:

"Cut out Mrs. Blank's liver. She says she can get along without it."

Tommy--"Ma, I met the minister on my way to Sunday-school and he asked me if I ever went fis.h.i.+ng on Sunday."

Mother--"And what did you say, darling?"

Tommy--"I said, 'Get thee behind me, Satan,' and ran right away from him."