Among the Humorists and After Dinner Speakers Part 20

The other two men got interested.

"And you are from Boston?" he asked the third man.

"That's right, too," said the New Englander.

"And you from Philadelphia, I should say?" to the last man.

"No, sir," answered the man with considerable warmth; "I've been sick for three months: that's what makes me look that way!"

Five-year-old Nellie had been naughty all day. Finally her mama, a very portly woman, sat down and drew the little culprit across her ample lap to administer the long-delayed punishment. Nellie's face was fairly buried in the folds of her mother's dress. Before the maternal hand could descend Nellie turned her face to say, "Well, if I'm going to be spanked _I must have air_."

"John," said the woman with nine chapeaux, "I got another new hat to-day." "My dear!" expostulated her husband, "that is the last straw." "I know it," she said; "just from Paris."

A prominent Bostonian inquired of a London shopkeeper for Hare's "Walks in London."

The shopkeeper, after much search, found it on his shelves, but in two volumes.

"Ah," said the Bostonian, "you have your Hare parted in the middle over here."

"What!" exclaimed the Englishman, blankly, pa.s.sing his hands over his head.

Mr. Blaine used to tell this story: Once, in Dublin, toward the end of the opera, Mephistopheles was conducting Faust through a trap-door which represented the gates of h.e.l.l. His majesty got through all right--he was used to going below--but Faust was quite stout, got half-way in, and no squeezing would get him any farther. Suddenly an Irishman in the gallery exclaimed devoutly: "Thank G.o.d! h.e.l.l's full."

An Ohio man who was recently elected to Congress, went to Was.h.i.+ngton to look around and see what his duties were. He was hospitably received, and was wined and dined a great many times by his colleagues. Before he went home he said to his friends: "By George, I have had a good time! I have had dinners and breakfasts and suppers galore given to me. In fact, I haven't had my knife out of my mouth since I struck town."

When Commissioner Allen had charge of the Patent Office in Was.h.i.+ngton he was very punctilious about the respect due him and his position, and demanded full tribute from everybody.

One day, as he was sitting at his desk, two men came in without knocking or announcement and without removing their hats.

Allen looked up and impaled the intruders with his glittering eye.

"Gentlemen," he said severely, "who are visitors to this office to see me are always announced, and always remove their hats."

"Huh," replied one of the men, "we ain't visitors, and we don't give a hoot about seeing you. We came in to fix the steam pipes."

One time there was a fire in a small town. It was being discussed in the hearing of several of the citizens. One man said he believed it was incendiary. Another replied: "Incendiary, nonsense! It was set on fire!"

Addressing a political gathering the other day a speaker gave his hearers a touch of the pathetic. "I miss," he said, brus.h.i.+ng away a not unmanly tear, "I miss many of the old faces I used to shake hands with."

The Rev. Moses Jackson was holding services in a small country church, and at the conclusion lent his hat to a member (as was the custom) to pa.s.s around for contributions. The brother canva.s.sed the congregation thoroughly, but the hat was returned empty to its owner.

Bre'r Jackson looked into it, turned it upside down, and shook it vigorously, but not a copper was forthcoming. He sniffed audibly.

"Brederen," he said, "I sho' is glad dat I got my hat back ergin."

Pattern for all beneath the sun, To Taft award the palm and bun!

They told him what they wanted done-- He done it.

Secretary Knox tells a good story of the last fight the late Senator Quay, of Pennsylvania, made in the Senate. Quay was working hard on the Oklahoma Statehood Bill, obstructing legislation, when a scheme was fixed up to get him away from the Senate for a time. Quay was very fond of tarpon fis.h.i.+ng and had a winter place in Florida. One afternoon he received this telegram from a friend who thought the Senator might be in better business than pottering around about new States:

"Fis.h.i.+ng never so good. Tarpon biting everywhere, sport magnificent; come."

Quay read the telegram and smiled a little smile. Then he answered:

"Tarpon may be biting, but I am not.--M. S. Quay."

"Now, children," said the teacher, "I want each of you to think of some animal or bird and try for the moment to be like the particular one you are thinking about, and make the same kind of noises they are in the habit of making."

Instantly the schoolroom became a menagerie. Lions roaring, dogs barking, birds singing and twittering, cows lowing, calves bleating, cats meowing, etc., all in an uproar and excitement--all with one exception, off in a remote corner a little fellow was sitting perfectly still, apparently indifferent and unmindful of the rest. The teacher observing him, approached and said: "Waldo, why are you not taking part with the other children?"

Waving her off with a deprecating hand and rebuking eyes he whispered: "Sh-sh-sh, teacher! I'm a rooster, and I'm a-layin' a aig!"

Bishop Brewster, of Connecticut, while visiting some friends not long ago, tucked his napkin in his collar to avoid the juice of the grapefruit at breakfast. He laughed as he did it, and said it reminded him of a man he once knew who rushed into a restaurant and, seating himself at a table, proceeded to tuck his napkin under his chin. He then called a waiter and said, "Can I get lunch here?" "Yes,"

responded the waiter in a dignified manner, "but not a shampoo."

A man and his wife were once staying at a hotel, when in the night they were aroused from their slumbers by the cry that the hotel was afire.

"Now, my dear," said the husband, "I will put into practise what I have preached. Put on all your indispensable apparel and keep cool."

Then he slipped his watch into his vest pocket and walked with his wife out of the hotel. When all danger was past, he said, "Now you see how necessary it is to keep cool."

The wife for the first time glanced at her husband.