What Follows 33 15.2: Sunflower, Please

`how shall i hold back my soul from touching yours?`

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"You killed your brother," I state/ask, my head somewhere else that's not on my neck.

Tobias let's go of Benji's leash and clasps my wrists, teary eyes on my disbelieving ones. "My only brother."

"Oh my G.o.d," I say and suddenly the French air I've been breathing makes no sense. "Tobias. Let me go."

"I regret it every day," he tells me, his sh.e.l.l completely falling off. And I realise. What killed him wasn't poetry, it was his brother.

"You killed your brother," I repeat like a broken tape.

"That's why I was scared to tell you," he blathers, his eyes disappearing under a year's worth of tears.

"Oh my G.o.d," I shake my head, my lips parted.

Tobias blinks at me and shakes his head. "Listen, please," he begs. "It was an accident."

"An accident? How old was he?"

"Five."

My eyes sting. "What did you do?"

"I swear I didn't mean it," he says, choking on his tears. "I swear."

"What happened?" I ask his bright hazels that quickly well up.

"It hurts me to say."

"To this day?" I ask in shock.

"To this day."

"What happened? Tell me. Please."

Tobias shakes his head. "Please," he pleads. "It was just an accident."

"I believe you," I tell him. "Just explain."

Tobias blinks away his tears, clears his throat and inhales deeply. "Let's find somewhere to sit."

I shake my head at his offer. I mean what does it matter to sit or stand when we're f.u.c.king dead? Why are we still carrying on with our human decencies? Or is it just because they're the last string we have left, tying us to humanity?

"I can't believe you didn't tell me." I remove myself from his weak grasp and start walking. "You lied to me about why you killed yourself."

Tobias walks by my side and says nothing as I threaten myself not to cry over this too. I mean, why am I disappointed? How is it possible for a disappointed person to get disappointed?

And it hits me that a person killing himself for his 'pa.s.sion' is a tad too farfetched. He lied to me, and it's either that I'm too gullible or too engrossed in my problems to think about whether his claim made sense or not. Probably the latter.

"Tobias, why didn't you tell me?" I repeat.

"I was going to-"

"Then?"

"Then I lived your life." I narrow my eyes at him and he continues. "I realized that hiding it would be better than losing you."

"Losing me? " I scoff. "You think I expected f.u.c.king saints down here?"

"I was scared you'd never need me again."

I stop at that and sigh at his sad eyes. "Why are you ashamed of it if it were an accident?"

"Let's sit there," he says, pointing at a cafe at the end of the street, with mostly-empty, outdoor tables.

I nod distractedly as Tobias whistles to draw Benji to us. Benji jumps from behind a parked car, barks at Tobias and wags his tail excitedly.

When we reach the cafe, I sit in a chair at the nearest table as Tobias sits in front of me, holding his hands atop of it. The table is messy with half-eaten Cinnamon rolls and an abandoned sunflower.

Tobias' eyes search my face worriedly and I sigh heavily.

"I'm not going to desert you," I tell him slowly. "I'm just disappointed. I mean, there must've been a catch, yeah? Like you being a murderer. It's okay. This is h.e.l.l. I wasn't gonna meet doctors."

Tobias unclasps his hands and nervously runs a hand through his hair, undoing his bun. "You know, that's the thing with you," he tells me frustratedly. "You're hot and cold. I don't understand how you feel about me half of the time."

My lips slightly part and Tobias leans across the table. "I'm always scared," he locks my eyes. "-to upset you."

I roll my eyes. "I'm not that fragile-"

"I am!" Tobias declares. "I can't handle the thought of your absence."

"You could've told me and let me choose for myself!"

Tobias leans back, his firey hair doing little to soften his suddenly fierce features. "No."

"Excuse me?"

"I've been always clear with you from the start," he says. "I've always," he shakes his head, leans closer. "I've always, somehow, wanted you."

I fall silent.

"Don't act surprised," he shakes his head, his eyes suddenly watering. "I was there for you. But I never understood you," he says accusingly. "You treat me like you've just met me. I can't do that. I can't treat you like that. You were starting to mean things to me. You've revived my poetic sense. I valued you too much to lose you over this." He blinks away and I gulp down what he says.

"I didn't mean it-"

Tobias smirks, shrugs a shoulder. "I get it. It isn't only me. It's Jacob, Aiden, William-" I frown. "We all are victims of your mis.e.xpressed emotions," he tells me vehemently. "You've left them all confused. No one knows why you've killed yourself. No one knows how much they meant to you! You left them incapable of deciding how to feel about you. Whether to mourn you with love and respect, or guilt."

"Tobias-" I start uselessly.

"That's exactly what's happening with me. I don't know if you care enough that you'd hate me if I tell you," he says. "Or if you don't give a s.h.i.+t about me and wouldn't mind it. I don't know and I'm not about to risk it."

"I care about you." It doesn't seem to calm him down and I find it confusing. What does he want from me?

"Well, I more than care about you. Do you more than care about me?" He tells me and I blink at him. At his disappointed hazels.

"Wait, just," I shake my head. "Wait."

"I can't tell you about me when I don't understand you."

"What's there to understand?" I argue. "All my cards are on the table."

"Your feelings aren't."

I narrow my eyes at him and suddenly understand what it is that's bothering him. "I don't know how I'm feeling about you," I tell him. "I never did with anyone. I just care about people," I shrug. "I care about you and it seems not enough for you to trust me."

"Do you like me?"

I blink at him. "Of course I do!" I scoff. "This is ridiculous. This is supposed to be about you. Why are you going against me?"

Tobias catches my eyes. "Do you love me?"

My heart remembers to do a doubletake before beating itself back to life.

I thought he knew better. And I'm suddenly sweating tears of the dead and exhaling out all the counted breaths I breathed when I was alive, because I know. I know that just like all the previous actions, it's impossible.

"How do you want to be loved?" I ask him instead as his eyes brighten with unshed tears.

Tobias leans back into his chair, crosses his legs and looks up at the vast, black French sky. "Drug toxicity. That's what killed him. It was my fault-" He exhales. "It was some drug Mum took for her anaemia. She asked me to return it to her room. She specifically asked me to keep it out of Tom's reach." He stops, his lips quivering at the memory. He then shakes his head and sniffs loudly. "I got a call from my friend and got distracted.

"I left the tablets on my bed. Tom might've taken them all, mistaking them for chocolate. By the time Mum found out and took him to the hospital," he shuts his eyes, looks at me, looks into me. "He was gone."

My tears. .h.i.t the tabletop in succession as I stare at Tobias' pain.

"That's how I want to be loved," Tobias tells me, his voice raspy. "I want to forget my pain. I want to forget how selfish I was for taking my life too soon when my parents were just mourning Tom. All I thought of was how I couldn't handle my reality. I couldn't care less about theirs. In which they've lost two sons in one go."

And it all makes sense. How Tobias would be so worked up about how I decided to kill myself when my siblings care about me. I didn't know it meant so much to him.

We both keep to ourselves as Tobias blinks at the hopelessly starless sky and I count the number of petals the sunflower has.

Seventeen, almost-dead ones.

"I don't know what to say," I speak to the flower quietly.

"Nothing. I'm awful."

I shut my eyes. "You aren't any worse than me."

"Not anything can excuse the atrocity of my actions."

I look up at him. He has his fingers in his hair and his eyes on the flower I was talking to. "It's why we're here," I whisper. "I'm sorry for all those who've suffered the consequences of our actions." I then let out a soft sob. "I'm sorry I can't love you in that way."

He slowly looks up and it's almost poetic how his eyes look like two moons pinned to his starkly pale countenance, floating about his dark clouds for eye circles. How they're lost in this land of the dead, my eyes.

"I understand," he lies.

"I would love you," I sniff. "I would love you if things were different."

"I understand." He then goes for a smile that does little to ease the pain-soaked tears filling his eyes.

"It's not you," I say, knowing that I must look a mess. "I'd hate to love you when I can't have you."

"It's okay," he says softly and takes my hands in his, holds my eyes. "It's okay. Just don't go away."

I look at our hands. "Sorry."

"No, Rose, don't be. In fact, I think we can't feel and it's about time I got a haircut."

He changes the topic, and I look at him, remove my hands from his and whisper, "What do you reckon was this flower's story?"

Tobias glances at it, shrugs. "It's wilted," he clicks his tongue. "Maybe it tells a couple's story?" He holds my eyes. "A girl, Avril-"

"Avril?"

"Yes, with a french 'r' Av-r-il." I lift my brows and smile. "And a boy, Sebastien. Anyway," Tobias waves a dismissing hand. "Sebastien asks Avril out for their thirteenth date and brings along a sunflower. He then orders Avril's favourite desert-"

"Cinnamon rolls."

"Yes," Tobias' eyes burn bright. "Poor thing doesn't know that Avril has been planning to ditch his a.r.s.e."

"Ouch."

"Yes, Rose, ouch," Tobias says. "Avril comes in a yellow dress, matching the sunflower's petals, only to break his heart."

"Why can't it be the opposite?" I ask and Tobias shakes his head.

"No interruption, please," he points out and I bite down a smile. "She breaks his heart and gets an audience. Sebastian gets really embarra.s.sed when she leaves him heartbroken with the sunflower he solely picked for her-"

"From his grandma's garden?"

"No, grandpa's," he says and I chuckle. "And with a plate of untouched Cinnamon rolls."

"How come there's only one plate?"

"Sebastian gets too nervous, he can't eat."

"How cute."

"Yeah, but not to Avril. So, to act like whatever happened didn't break him, he tries eating some of them. He fails anyway and leaves after two bites." Tobias then smirks smugly. "I love my story."

"I'm taking that sunflower," I say. "In honour of Sebastian's undeserved heartbreak."

Tobias swiftly catches my eyes and smiles softly. My heart sighs. I look away, reach for the sunflower and bring it to my mouth.

"You're beautiful tonight."

I look at Tobias, softly clear my throat and lower the flower. "Are you talking to the flower?" I shake it a little and Tobias rests his cheek on his hand.

He looks at me like a poet looks at the moon, like an artist looks at sunset, like a man looks at his lover.

"Technically, yes. Rose."

And maybe my cheeks are the size of the moon or the colour of the sunset or the tomatoes of a lover.

I blink at him and know I'm tearing up at the sheer effort of it all. The effort it takes not to fall for him.

"A haircut is in order," I say instead and he continues to stare at me.

I almost panic when Benji jumps onto his laps, distracting him. He smiles, rubs Benji's fur, plants a kiss atop his head, then says, "Yes. I just pa.s.sed a salon. We should break in and steal a pair of scissors."

But it seems like we've already run out of time to do such things.