Meeting Again 25 Confession

I guess I overestimated myself. I thought I could make it up for him but his words made me realize that eight years of pain can't be diffused in eight days. After I left in the morning, meeting with Tony and my son, I could not stop thinking of what Tony said. My cowardice resulted in such a deep scar in his heart. Though, I said I can't stop myself from meeting him, truth was, I don't know how to face him anymore. To know that he considered me his family while I....!! I wanted to scream so badly. Unintentionally, I hit the car's steering wheel. I was behind the wheels today. I didn't bring my chauffeur with me. I wanted to keep Tony and my son's ident.i.ty a secret till I am sure I can give them a secure life. The last thing I wanted was my dad to find out about them before I could settle everything. I have to make it up to him. They are my family too. I must take responsibility for their happiness and security.

I came back to my room, feeling a little dizzy. My head was still filled with what Tony said. I lied down on my bed covering my face with my hands. Just few words from me, turned his whole life upside down. Suddenly, I felt that apology was just not enough. I was so engrossed in reflecting over my misdeeds, that I didn't heard the knock on my door or the sound of it opening. It was not until a pat on my leg, that I realized someone was in my room. I got up with a jolt,

"Who?"

and got face to face with my mom. She was looking at me with concerned grey eyes. Her jet black curly hair falling over her pale face. I heard many people say, I looked like her. Now, after seeing my son, I felt like that must be true. She put her hands on both my cheeks and said in a worried tone,

"Dear, what happened? You don't look well. Do you have fever? Should I call Doctor Foster?"

Unlike my dad, my mom was sympathic, caring and understanding. I was raised among nannies and by her. So, I was way closer to her than dad. She knew me and understood me at a level which many didn't. Though, she was very busy with her work, she still somehow made time for me, whether during my birthday, important events in school or college, my pa.s.sing to next grade, my convocation or my sports day; she would always make sure she is there for me.

I turned my head towards the full size mirror beside my bed and saw that I was sweating a bit, and my face looked a little pale. My eyes were slightly swollen and red. I looked like a mess. No wonder mum thought I was sick. I held her hand with mine and said in a throaty voice,

"Its nothing mum. I am just a little stressed!"

"Darling take some rest at home! Work must be pretty hard. I heard your father had handed you a very difficult project!"

"Mum" I said, clearing my voice and pulling her to sit beside me, "It's not work that is stressing me. You know well that I can handle it. It's just.." I said looking away from her eyes which still looked very anxious, "I made a huge mistake. A mistake that cannot be forgiven. I want to make it up, but I have no clue how to do that"

His mother didn't say anything for a while. They both remained sitting quietly. Robbie can't help feeling anxious. His mother was very perspective and that scared him. What she said was not what he expected,

"Being scared into making a mistake and intentionally making a mistake is not same"

Robbie raised his head to see the gentle and beautiful face of his mother. She was in her fifties as well, but she hardly look it. She was a very popular jewellery designer who came out with her own brand 'Coruscent'. Her works were world famous and she even receives exclusive order from many high profile customers. Recently, she was attending one such order and hence, he didn't see her for over two months. Now, seeing her after so long, he felt a warm feeling inside despite of being down on the dumps.

"How do you know that the mistake was forced through fear and not intentional?" I asked feeling like I have been scanned

"Mistakes made intentionally are not regretted, sweetheart! It evokes guilt but not remorse. Your anxiety and pain shows me that you didn't meant it, but did it anyway because you were scared!"

I was speechless. How can she always know the deepest of my feelings? Is she some sort of mind reader? She placed her hand over my head and patted me gently,

"If you know you have done wrong. Then, apologize! Try to make it right"

"That's not possible!" I said interrupting her, "Apologizing isn't enough and there is no way to right it"

She looked at me with wide eyed concern, and asked softly "Do you wanna talk about it?"

She always gives me option. Option to not speak of it if it is too much for me. She knows that you are not always ready to speak it out, but if you are you can always talk to her. I looked at her, my eyes stinging. Should I tell her everything? What would she think of me? How would she react? Would she be ashamed of me? Of my cowardice?