Becoming Jasmine Star 12 Our Daughter

Since the time in January, I have been taking walks everyday.

It seems to be the only thing that calms me down when I am feeling overwhelmed. Like, I can just walk or run away from my problems for just a while, sorting them out with each step I take.

Walking at night is the best time for me.

There's not much people around and the cool night air clears my head immediately. Especially in early spring, when the smell of the thawing ground and rain makes it more blissful. Today is no different. In fact. This has become some type of meditative ritual for me.

I'm still feeling good when I turn the corner and find myself at the front gate of my house.

I was finally glad to see my little Victorian house, covered in deep green English ivy, just the way I left it.

Wait. Scratch that. The only difference was that the kitchen lights were now own.

I groan.

The lights are on. My parents are still awake.

Ever since I started my 'night walks' my parents found something new to 'talk' about.

First, from their bedroom. But now, they traveled down to the kitchen.

I creak open the door as quietly as I could and sneak inside.

The only thing that lit the hallway was light from the kitchen, where my parents resided.

I could hear the low mumbling of their words, but their voices slowly became more audible.

"....our daughter.....Sam..."

Were they talking about me?

I creep out of the dark hallway and stand beside the opening in the kitchen to find out if I could hear more.

" David, I can't have our daughter running around after dark."

"Why? She knows how to take care of herself."

I agree with my dad. But a part of me doesn't know how to feel about how he quickly disregarded me.

"Don't you know what happens to kids who start leaving their house at night? Without their parents permission?"

"She's a kid, she want's her freedom."

"I don't want our daughter becoming some kind of wh.o.r.e David!"

I jump at the loudness of my mother's voice. Then what she said sunk in.

My mom thinks I'm...

"Mamma, you know Sam would never do that."

Oh cool, my sister joined them this time.

"Mom, dad, Carrie? What's going on?"

I walk into the room just in time to see them turn their heads in shock.

"Sam-"

My father starts but my mother cuts him off.

"Where have you been?"

She crosses her arms, but I could see the tear stains on her cheeks.

I really messed up this time?

"I went for a walk. Why?"

Her gaze changes, like she is searching for something.

Dishonesty.

My mother walks towards me and pulls up my sleeve up and searches my arm.

"Oh my G.o.d. Kathrine, you can't be serious."

My father looks at my mother with a strange look in his eyes.

"Did you meet up with anyone?"

"No"

"Did you do drugs?"

"What?"

"Did you?"

"No!"

I pull my arm out of my mother's grasp. I'm sure the feeling of betrayal showed on my face. But I didn't care I was sick of these interrogations. I felt like my mother only a.s.sumed I could only do the worst things and 16 year old me hated her for it.

"Do you seriously think I want to stay in a house wit a bunch of strangers? Please. Don't act like you're my mother! The only reason you're even thinking about me now is because you think I'm going to destroy the charade we put on on front of our neighbors."

"That's enough!"

My father stepped in. Finally stopping the words that came out of my mouth like a broken hydrant. His loud voice snapped me back into reality.

My sister's face was frozen in horror and my mother sobbed in front of me. Her tears were uncontrollable.

'Look what you've done.'

'You couldn't pretend like you didn't see the problem and live a peaceful life like you've been doing the whole time?'

The voices in my head sprang to life. Now that I was back on earth I could get back to hating myself.

And I really hated myself right now.

"I- I'm sorry. I am so sorry-"

Their stares felt like they weighed a hundred pounds and they were all on me.

My father glared at me. Making my heart jump into my throat. He has never given me that look before.

"I-

Everything suddenly became blurry as I formed tears of my own. My stomach churned. I was sure I was going to throw-up.

I ran upstairs to my room and slammed the door.

The tears were uncontrollable as I emptied the contents of my stomach.

Why did I say that?

Why did I destroy the thin veil that made our family almost 'normal'?

Why was I such a jerk? They didn't deserve that.

I was a complete wreck as I dragged myself back to bed. The blankets were cool and I buried my hot face in them.

I think back to my father's face.

'They don't deserve you. You've done nothing for them, you're existence is useless.'

I try to block out the voices in my head and grab my phone.

I'll just read away my problems like I usually do.

I turn on my phone and was greeted by my Facebook chat.

If I was useless, if no one deserved to be around sc.u.m like me, what about him?
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"I lied to him since the very beginning.

Our relations.h.i.+p is based off lies. He doesn't deserve this.

Why am I such a charlatan?"

Guilt built up in me as I looked at our last interaction. We became friends. But I only know how to screw everything up.

"I'm sorry"

I type it into the chat and press send.

I close the tabs and stare at my wallpaper. Pink and bubbly, just like the day I got it. I open the notepad on it a read it.

1. Get out more! (don't sleep in all the time get up!)

2. Make your dreams come true.

3. Approach someone first.

4. Eat out, see a movie alone.

5. Visit a place you always wanted to see.

6. Take tons of pictures!

Aunt Sara made this list thinking that it could make me happy like her. I look at the note rereading it over and over, until I fall asleep.

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

I woke up this morning way before the sun was up. The house was eerily quiet and the air was so still. I knew what I had to to.

Number 5 in Aunty's list.

"Visit a place you always wanted to see."

"I'm going to go to the beach."

And I did.

10:00 a.m.

I made it to the closest beach I could find.

The waves thunder in my ears, creating a chilly salty breeze that rustles my bed head.

It took me six hours by train to get here.

It's a cute small town, right off the bay.

The shops are cute and since it's still so cold only the locals are here.

I walk on the beach with my hands shoved in my pockets, watching the waves. I have enough money to survive for three days. Though I'm not sure if I really want to stay that long.

I find a starfish on the sand.

It froze to death...