I Just Want To Disappear Chapter 1

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0. Beginning

     “Hey.”

The cave was damp, and the voices within were that much more deep.

I closed my eyes. I felt chills down my spine as I felt a body grazed against me.

My legs had become numb for the reason that I had been kneeling for a long time. No, I didn’t have any feeling in my legs.

I heard his voice has my mentality became faint.

     “Your family must’ve hated you quite a bit, seeing as they put you in this place.”

A low laugh resounding around my ears as I didn’t respond.

He let out a menacing growl as he placed sharp nails upon my shoulder.

I bit down on my lower lip in order to not let out a groan.

     “Are you an idiot? Still you obediently come to this place? If it were me, I would’ve run away.”

          “...”

     “Ah ah, so it like this.”

I opened my eyes.

He slowly walked in front of me.

He who was previously in the form of a panther transformed into a human and slowly sat on one knee as he gazed at me.

That action was done in an instant.

He placed his cold hand against my chin.

With slightly furrowed brows he lifted my chin so that our eyes would align.

Although the cave was dark, I could easily see that he had a handsome face.

     “Those eyes.”

His lips slowly drew an arch as he slowly moved.

     “You have no will to live.”

He looked at my eyes as if they were the most amusing thing he had seen in a long time.

Then, once again he changed back into the form of a panther and slowly walked behind me.

He breathed in my scent from my neck as if it were the most fragrant thing.

I could hear him smacking his lips close to my ear.

     “What will you do now?”

I asked him carefully.

I've thought about how I would die more than a thousand times.

Once you die, you will no longer receive love from your family. That was what I thought.

But now that I am here, I was soundly aloof. The voice did not waiver.

     “Sorry kid, but I’m going to eat you. I am very hungry.”

          “...”

     “I am going to rip and swallow your flesh, and lick off your bones.”

His voice rang with a severe tone. 

I blinked a couple times with an aloof expression.

     “Is that so.”

Other than that I had nothing else to say. He let out a purr as if to say he was pleased with my response. Then he once again whispered in my ear.

     “I will kill you in one stroke to reduce the pain. That is the mercy I grant to the children who don’t cry.”

          “...will this stop the drought?”

     “Ah ah, of course. I have no interest in the drought and etc. in the first place.”

I felt something rough and wet touch my neck. He had licked my neck.

     “Are you ready?”

          “Yes.”

Kwack.

An inexplicable pain seeped from my neck as I shut my eyes.

I felt nauseous and dizzy.

I couldn’t open my eyes even though I tried. 

Something horribly thick fell from my neck.

At that moment I had vomited something.

A tear ran down from my eyes that could shed no more.

‘Make a wish, child.’

Those were the last words I heard in this life.

At that moment I thought deeply.

If I were able to live this life once more.

Then.

I will throw you people away first.

1. Sacrifice

Ever since I was a child, I was aware of one obvious truth.

That comparative to the other children on the street, I was different.

     “This is the most desired child in Mattap. Even Lord Mattap himself came to see her yesterday…"

Since I was young, the adults would draw out my blood.

Then they would say that the magic pouring from my blood was magnificent.

The adults of the orphanage would tirelessly tell me that I clearly was of the lineage of magicians and that I would grow up to be a magic genius.

But I was different from the children on the streets in this region.

[Mom! Mom!]

[Ah ah, my cute son Hans, what fun did you have today?]

The girl who watched them from the window of the orphanage envied the child.

I, I am an orphan.

It means that I have no mother or father. An existence that was thrown away due to not being necessary.

The director of the orphanage will never let us forget the fact that we are children being funded by the kingdom.

     “Reina, you stupid child! You vomited on the blankets again.”

Poor Reina. Reina and the director who was fuming with anger were in my sight.

     “You were abandoned because you are like this! There is no need for children that vomits on blankets like this.”

Fortunately, I didn’t belong in the ‘useless children’ mentioned by the director.

When I was six years old, I had blown the fellow named Frank who had always grabbed and pulled my hair towards the sofa with one hand gesture, the director had witnessed what I had done and sent me some letter after not speaking to me for a long time.

I had thought I would get into trouble for a few days, but after s few days pa.s.sed I had met a group of strange men.

[Do not be afraid, child. We are the people of Mattap.]

They had introduced themselves as people of Mattap.

After those people had drawn out my blood, whilst fussing placed a burdensome modifier on me.

‘An extraordinary prodigy’ and ‘could be born or not born once every thousand years…’

Due to those men I had gotten adopted and the fate of me becoming a magician of Mattap was sealed.

… it was even before ‘they’ had found me.

     “h.e.l.lo, I am the wife of Marquis Edenberg. This is the man who wants to become your father, Marquis Edenberg.”

          “She’s very lovely, the child is mature and her eyes are bright.”

They were a highly ranked marquis couple that a child from an ordinary orphanage would never be able to meet.

I didn’t know if the Lord of Mattap was loose lipped but information about me was spread to everyone, this is how the Marquis Edenberg couple came to see me.

The two had troubles in conceiving a child, and in the end they were unable to have the child they longed for.

Thus the only other way was to adopt.

But they didn’t want an ordinary child.

What they wanted was a sword that would make the Edenbergs more powerful.

And I was the child that suited their conditions perfectly.

But what would a seven year old know?

The Lord of Mattap was pleading to be chosen, and then there were the benevolent marquis couple.

Naturally I  chose them, because at that time I was envious of ordinary families and the love that they would give me.

I had abandoned guaranteed overflowing amounts of gold, honor, and the succession as the Lord of Mattap by choosing the married marquis couple.

     “Darling Elena. This place is your room, and those people are the maids that will wait on you. And that garden is a place that was specifically prepared for you. You can play there to your heart’s content.”

Instead of the overflowing amounts of gold that the Lord of Mattap had promised, I had received an overflowing amount of affection.

To say it simply, that's what I had wanted. I was happy.

If I were to pick the most happiest moment of my life, it would’ve been then.

However happiness that seemed would last forever didn’t last long.

     “Mistress, they are healthy twins.”

The infertile marquis couple had given up on having children.

But like a miracle, my mother had gotten pregnant.

I had the confidence that I would love my younger siblings with my whole heart.

However when my mother had finished giving birth to my ‘siblings’, my happiness…

… was shattered.

     ‘I am tired of that child, Fred. Anyways she is not of our blood, I want to dissolve the adoption’

          ‘d.a.m.n! I also want to do that, Sophia. If we were to we would no longer be able to stand in society. People will talk. Everyone will point their finger towards us and insult us.’

     ‘But that child will be an obstacle to the path of our real children! What will we do if that child desires the position as successor? Naturally it would be easy to throw that thing out.’

          ‘Sophia’

     ‘I don’t want to have to bother with that child anymore! I’m already tired of it. Why do I have to keep her when she isn't my blood?’

The highly ranked Edenbergs were unable to find a reason to dissolve the adoption of me as the first child, I had become a burden to them.

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Time pa.s.sed, in the spring for the Marquis Edenberg couple, a lovable pair of twins were born.

Of the two the boy was named Derrick, and the girl who was as beautiful as a G.o.ddess was named Freyja.

This had happened 10 years after the two were born.

     “Older sister”

Freyja had bright silver hair and beautiful amber-like eyes.

Our eyes met and her fair golden eyes sparkled.

At that moment, a bright light came from the window and wrapped itself around Freyja.

I absent-mindedly stood and looked at my younger sister. Freyja bashfully let out a laugh with folded eyes.

     “I heard you had gone to the academy, but the academy is on vacation.”

          “Uh-huh.”

     “Now that you’re seventeen, you’re a senior.”

I nodded my head. I was feeling a little dazed.

Freyja was not friendly to anyone.

Due to being raised very spoiled, her personality was haughty and out of all the people under this roof she hated me the most.

Thus I wouldn’t figure out the reason as to why Freyja was acting affectionately.

Anyways, the reason wasn’t important. Freyja was acting affectionately towards me.

At that time, I had liked it.

     “That’s right.”

          “Hu hu, older sister worked very hard.”

With a slender hand Freyja fluttered her lace fan.

     “In the first place, you received training that is hard for men at an academy that doesn’t accept women. And even when your leg broke you didn’t show any emotion?”

          “It was nothing.”

     “Must be so.”

Chack. With that Freyja closed her fan.

Behind the fan her expression was fierce and eyes grew in surprise, Freya hastily hid her expression.

I swallowed my saliva feeling nervous inside, Freyja approached wearing a pretty smile.

     “During that time you couldn’t dandify yourself, it must’ve been hard.”

With small hands she embraced me.

     “I’ll make you beautiful. Older sister.”

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     “How is it?”

I stood in front of the mirror with makeup that didn’t suit me, dangling accessories, and adorning a strange dress.

Freyja watched me closely.

     “Do you like it?”

The maids that looked at Freyja the most lovingly turned their sight towards me.

And as I didn’t speak for a long time they looked at me with vexation in their eyes.

     “Yes. I like it.”

          “Ahh, older sister.”

Freyja hugged me tight.

Suddenly receiving Freyja’s hospitality melted my heart to a soft state.

Freya spoke to me with sparkling golden eyes.

     “You’re going to wear this tonight for dinner right?”

I slowly nodded my head.

Freyja seemed more pleased than anyone.

     “Then I’ll see you then, older sister.”

And to her smile I had smiled in acknowledgment.

Even though it was to this extent, I was extremely happy.

That was before meeting with Freya’s younger twin brother, Derrick.

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