Hegel's Confession Volume 1 Chapter 10

 “Growing up, no matter what kind of trouble my brother got in, I was the one punished. I studied as hard as I could to get a scholars.h.i.+p. Since we were poor, that saved a lot of money and I could go to college. But I still needed to send money back home to help with my brother's school fees.” Her eyes stared straight ahead, looking lost.

 “When you got to college, and you realized how different your roommates’ lives were from yours, as if you were from different worlds, you became jealous, and hated them. When you finally couldn't take it anymore, you gave them mescaline, and made sure they jumped at 2 AM, and blamed everything on the pen oracle. I have to admit, your plan was well-made. If you were luckier, things might have been different.”

She chuckled without emotion when she heard my words. “Are you saying justice rules, evil never wins over good, I got what I deserved, blah blah, blah...?”

I changed my expression until I smiled too, since I could tell her emotions were now more even, or she’d never have made a joke.

 “I actually thought you’d figured it out when you showed up so soon after Zhou Nan jumped. I know the half-time for mescaline. Lin Xiao and Zhao Qi were found in the morning, so it was hard to find the remnants of mescaline, but this time, it took less time for you to come, so the ME just needed to do a little investigating. I just never thought you’d see my paper, which is why I said you guys were onto me from the beginning.” Said Li Ning calmly, as if she was talking about some random matter, without any of the earlier anxiety and panic.

She spoke again, “you’re right, this world is very different from what I imagined. I couldn’t be part of it. I don’t know how I can get away from this life. I felt like I was drifting further and further away from happiness.”

 “Seeing their happiness, how they were always having fun, playing, or shopping when I was working or studying, made me realize this was a difference I couldn’t change no matter how hard I tried.”

 “They ignored all of the efforts I made, like how I went to the bathroom with them at night when they were scared, cleaned-up the room, did their laundry, like it was no big deal.”

 “I also hated their sympathetic words and looks... telling me I could eat their snacks. When they gave me anything it felt like charity. The perfume you’re holding was given to me by Lin Xiao, and it was because she didn’t like it. It wasn’t a gift, I was treated like a trash can. How is this fair? Do you think this was fair to me?” She seemed a little out of control. This was probably the first time she put these emotions into words.

Hearing her words and seeing her face, I actually felt bad for her. I thought that if her childhood wasn’t the way it was, if her parents gave her some of the love they devoted to their son, she wouldn’t be this twisted.

The thing was, she put all of this unfairness on other people. In her mind, it’d only be fair if everyone was miserable like her, and if anyone lived better it was unfair. Too bad that she never realized her parents had caused this unfairness and not anyone else.

 “Do you think I’m being unreasonable?” She asked when I fell silent.

I shook my head. The mind is a mysterious thing, so I could sort of understand her extremeness. I was afraid of the dark and small s.p.a.ces. No one knew this though, since I have lived alone all these years.

My phobia started after my parents’ accident. I could feel okay and even hopeful when there was sunlight, but when night came, I would become anxious, angry, or unsettled.

My symptoms didn’t get better until much later, but I’d still have an attack now and then. I rarely take elevators even now. When I slept, I’d leave the light on. Normal people probably didn’t understand, but for me, I just couldn’t control the fear.

My thoughts came back to the present. I sighed. “Let’s talk about Zhou Nan. Did you kill her this soon because she found something?” I asked because Nan’s death was too sudden, and didn’t match the pattern. If there was nothing unusual, Li Ling should have followed the pen oracle’s rule of one death for every seven days.

 “You’re very smart. Yes, she found the mescaline I had hidden. We were all medical students, after all. She didn’t think anything of it at the time, but I was afraid she’d realize what was wrong.” Ling admitted.

 “Tell me about the process. Start with Lin Xiao, then Zhao Qi, and Zhou Nan.” I didn’t want to keep talking to her, maybe I felt odd from being in this interrogation room for too long.

 “It was simple. I had insomnia lately and couldn’t sleep at all, and I felt this uncontrollable hatred toward them, so I started looking for an opportunity.”

 “When I got back to the dorm that day, Lin Xiao was staring into s.p.a.ce. I knew she liked a guy called Sun Tao, and didn’t know how he felt about her. I thought it was my chance and said we could ask the pen oracle. They’ve heard of the game and were interested, so they were curious.”

”After we prepared for the game, we sat around the table. Zhao Qi and Zhou Nan were a little scared, so Lin Xiao and I held the pen. After reading the mantra, I started moving the pen. The light was dim and they were nervous, so they didn’t realize I was controlling the pen.”

”I asked some random questions and the answers were correct, since I knew them pretty well. When they all started to believe there was a pen oracle, I acted afraid and ran to turn on the light, saying I saw a scary female ghost.”

 “Zhao Qi and Zhou Nan were terrified, but Lin Xiao was more calm, she felt I must have made a mistake. I insisted I definitely saw a ghost. We all slept scared that night. The next day, I said I had nightmares all night and the ghost came looking for me. They didn’t have nightmares but were afraid.”

 “When I kept repeating the lie, they got more and more afraid. Then I told them someone died here five years ago, and the ghost was the girl back to seek revenge.”

 “They thought it was incredible. After some digging, they learned there was a suicide here five years ago. Now, even Lin Xiao, who didn’t believe my story, was scared, and Zhao Qi and Zhou Nan were plagued by nightmares. Their minds were playing tricks on them, since they thought about the ghost all-day.”

”About seven or eight days later, when they were totally nervous and out of sorts, I put the mescaline into their drinks. Usually they drank it around dusk, and they’d drink some more before bed. This was easy to do, since I always went out to buy all of their snacks and beverages. They didn’t notice it at all.” She stopped at this point to drink the coffee, which has gone cold.