The Internet Is A Playground Part 6

Peter

From: David Thorne David Thorne Date: Thursday 01 October 2009 4:02 p.m. Thursday 01 October 2009 4:02 p.m.

To: Peter Williams Peter Williams Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Inspection Report Re: Re: Re: Re: Inspection Report

Dear Peter,

I apologize for mentioning your smallness. It must be a subject most people you know avoid. Was it the Rocksteady Crew comment or the fact that the shark was actually very small in the picture, making you, in comparison, the size of a very small fish? I have attached a revised version that you can print out, pin to your cubicle wall, look at whenever you are feeling down, and think, "That Volkswagen looks way too small for me to get into. I must be huge."

Regards, David

From: Peter Williams Peter Williams Date: Thursday 01 October 2009 5:12 p.m. Thursday 01 October 2009 5:12 p.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Inspection Report Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Inspection Report

David

Do not send me anymore drawings. I am not joking. I am keeping a record of everything you send just so you know. If the apartment is not clean when we reinspect in two weeks time, we will consider terminating the lease as we have also had ongoing noise complaints regarding the premises.

Peter From: David Thorne David Thorne Date: Thursday 01 October 2009 6:27 p.m. Thursday 01 October 2009 6:27 p.m.

To: Peter Williams Peter Williams Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Inspection Report Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Inspection Report

Dear Peter,

Yes, I find loud music helps me relax while I clean, because the music distracts me so much that I stop cleaning. Which is relaxing. I will probably get onto it this week, though, as I do not wish to be evicted. I have developed a severe case of agoraphobia, and residing in an apartment where I can reach all four walls while standing in one spot brings me a feeling of security. Also, the daily culling of plague-proportion c.o.c.kroaches gives me something to do in my spare time. I cla.s.s the eighteen cans of surface spray I use per week as sporting equipment.

I purchased one of those electronic things that plugs into the wall that is meant to scare c.o.c.kroaches by sending a pulse through the apartment wiring, but while it has reduced the numbers, it seems some have evolved to feed off the electrical signal, increasing their size. I am using one as a coffee table in the lounge and two smaller ones as side tables in the bedroom. They would probably be susceptible to carbon monoxide poisoning, though, so I will try running a hose pipe from my car exhaust to the apartment, closing the windows and leaving the vehicle running overnight. It is apparently an odorless gas so should not prove an issue for my son's Cub group sleepover.

Also, I read somewhere once that c.o.c.kroaches can survive a nuclear attack, so I have been collecting the dead ones and intend to glue several thousand to the walls thereby ensuring my survival should Cyberdyne Systems become self-aware between now and when the lease runs out.

Regards, David From: Peter Williams Peter Williams Date: Friday 02 October 2009 10:18 a.m. Friday 02 October 2009 10:18 a.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Inspection Report Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Inspection Report

I am not going to waste my time reading any more of your stupid nonsense. Clean the property or we will terminate the lease-the choice is yours. Do not e-mail me again unless it is of a serious matter.

Peter

From: David Thorne David Thorne Date: Friday 02 October 2009 10:36 a.m. Friday 02 October 2009 10:36 a.m.

To: Peter Williams Peter Williams Subject: Nom nom nom Nom nom nom

One thousand characters posting within limits Posting in Internet forums can be fun, but there is often a limit of one thousand characters per post, so every story (including punctuation, s.p.a.ces, introduction, proposal, argument, and punch line) has to be within a small paragraph. Often, I write something rather insensitive to evoke an angry response. When I was just fourteen, I was given the task of drowning kittens by my girlfriend's mother. I filled a large laundry sink with room-temperature water and held the eight kittens under. As each kitten died and sank to the bottom, it turned and rested, "snuggled" to the previous. I put them in a garbage bag and was carrying it out, when the bag moved and I heard a meow. Opening the bag, I found one kitten had survived. So I drowned it again. And that is an exact one thousand.

Sharks My son wanted scuba gear for his birthday. That's all he wanted. But I am not letting him swim off by himself to be taken for a baby seal by a great white, and I will be f.u.c.ked if I am going in there with him to be taken for an old skinny seal by a great white. When I explained to him that scuba gear is only for the sea and he, being such a small human, would be taken for a baby seal by a great white, he stated that he would see them coming because of the mask, and added "Speargun" and "Knife" to his birthday list.

Cats I promised to look after a friend's cat for the week. My place has a gla.s.s atrium that goes through two levels; I have put the cat in there with enough food and water to last the week. I am looking forward to the end of the week. It is just sitting there glaring at me; it doesn't do anything else. I can tell it would like to kill me. If I knew I could get a perfect replacement cat, I would kill this one now and replace it Friday afternoon. As we sit here glaring at each other I have already worked out several ways to kill it. The simplest would be to drop heavy items on it from the upstairs bedroom, although I have enough basic engineering knowledge to a.s.sume that I could build some form of spear-like projectile device from parts in the downstairs shed. If the atrium were waterproof, the most entertaining would be to flood it with water. It wouldn't have to be that deep, just deeper than the cat is tall. I don't know how long cats can swim, but I doubt it would be for a whole week. If it kept the swimming up for too long I could always try dropping things on it as well. I have read that drowning is one of the most peaceful ways to die, so really it would be a win-win situation for me and the cat, I think.

Tampons My son's birthday is next week. When he was seven, I told him to draw pictures of what he wanted for his birthday as a visual list. When I inquired as to one image (which I first took to be a box of colored crayons), I deciphered his explanations as it being tampons. In particular, the multicolored brand. His only references to the product were the adverts featuring a girl jumping out of a window onto a tree, which lowered her into a BMW convertible full of friends; an electric green street racing car with black flames; and the ability to do a single-handed handstand star-jump on a dance machine to crowd applause. I bought him a box and figured he would work it out. Yesterday I asked him what he wants for his birthday, and he replied, "not tampons."

Ridd.i.c.k While watching the movie The Chronicles of Ridd.i.c.k The Chronicles of Ridd.i.c.k with me last night, my offspring stated that he wished Ridd.i.c.k were his dad. When I asked why, he replied that Ridd.i.c.k is good looking, has muscles, and is a good fighter. I told him that I wished Matthew (his archenemy at school) were my son because he is better at math and has cool hair. with me last night, my offspring stated that he wished Ridd.i.c.k were his dad. When I asked why, he replied that Ridd.i.c.k is good looking, has muscles, and is a good fighter. I told him that I wished Matthew (his archenemy at school) were my son because he is better at math and has cool hair.

Girls That Have Said No, Part 1 While working at a horse-riding camp several years ago, I spent a good twenty minutes explaining to a group, which consisted of twelve children and their young teacher, the importance of horse safety before walking behind a horse and being kicked in the head. I recall only walking in a zigzag back to the house with the m.u.f.fled sounds of children screaming in the background before collapsing and waking up in the hospital. While I was there, with a fractured skull, the teacher brought me in a "Get well soon" card signed by all the children, so I asked her out. But she said no.

Superconductors If you take the temperature of a superconductor down to absolute zero (around -273.1 degrees Celsius), it ignores gravity and floats. This is a scientific fact, and you are welcome to check-google or YouTube it. My nine-year-old son asked why we couldn't freeze a car to -273 degrees and fly in it, and I told him that the car would neutralize gravity, not reverse it, and the weight of the people in it would make it sink. Also, heat rises, so -273 degrees should really sink unless it is in a vacuum, which means we wouldn't be able to breathe or hear the stereo. You would also need to bundle up well.

Girls That Have Said No, Part 2 Around the time I was twelve, my sister had really hot friends staying over. I would dress in ninja gear, wriggle "Saving Private Ryan "Saving Private Ryan, beach commando"- style into her bedroom, and listen to their conversations. Some were educational; most were inane. A few months ago, I was standing in a CD store and a girl came up to me and said, "Are you David?" to which I replied, "It depends" (and immediately regretted because I knew that if she asked me, "Depends on what?" I had nothing). The fear must have shown, because she asked, "Depends on what?" and I replied, like a r.e.t.a.r.d, "On whether it is on or off the record-I have been misquoted by you people before." And she looked at me as if I was a r.e.t.a.r.d before telling me that she had been a friend of my sister's and remembered me, and then actually asked, "Are you still annoying?" So I asked her if she still "squeezed her nipples while thinking about kissing Michael Wilson." After a pretty long pause I asked her out. But she said no.

Anhus Street A street I drive past every day is named Anhus Street and is very distracting. Every few weeks, someone (I am a.s.suming a kid) spray-paints out the "h," making it read "a.n.u.s," and then a few days later, someone (I am a.s.suming a local elderly resident) paints the "h" back in. If I were boss of the world I would legally change that street name to a.n.u.s Street to annoy both of them.

Girls That Have Said No, Part 3 At the local swimming pool canteen, not realizing until afterward that my p.e.n.i.s was caught in the elastic of my swimming shorts with the tip sticking out, I purchased a packet of Twisties and a can of c.o.ke before asking out the girl who served me, but she said no.

Parking Spot A few weeks ago, some guy in a s.h.i.+tty BMW parked in my reserved-and-paid-for parking spot in a small lot. I printed out an A4 (Helvetica Demi Bold 12 pt.) note stating that this was a paid-for parking spot, and not to park there again. A couple of days later he parked there again. I printed out an A3 (Helvetica Black 42 pt.) sign stating "Reserved Parking-Do Not Park Here," and I used spray adhesive (3M) to mount it on the wall in front of my spot. When I went to park in my spot the next day, he had written in, after "Reserved Parking," the words "For w.a.n.kers." About three days later I saw his car parked on the street, so I printed out a poster in A2 (Helvetica Black 92 pt., reversed) with the word "f.u.c.khead" and applied it with spray adhesive to his winds.h.i.+eld, ensuring (as per instructions) I sprayed both materials to be bonded. The disadvantage, of course, is that I am too scared to park in my spot; but he is also too scared to park there, so I will cla.s.s this as a draw for the moment and find a new spot.

Dreams I hate it when people tell me, "I had a weird dream last night ..." I don't care, it didn't really happen, and it is going to be boring. Just because you dreamed it doesn't make it interesting to anyone. I knew someone who told me a dream, and it went on for about twenty minutes. That is nineteen minutes and sixty seconds longer than I have to care about something that didn't really happen. Another time she was telling me about a dream her auntie had, so not only was I listening to something that didn't really happen; I was listening to something that didn't really happen to someone I didn't even know. I gla.s.s over and my mind wanders after hearing the words "I had a weird dream last night," so it is just a waste of everyone's time. The statement she made, "If you cared about me you would be interested in my dreams," I will put down to the fact that she was an idiot and possibly slightly crazy because she owned more than two cats.

My Confession When I was in year ten, I would wag school to catch the bus into the city. I would hide the contents of my schoolbag and go to a Christian bookstore called the Open Book, covering two levels and a secondhand section in the bas.e.m.e.nt. I would go in with my empty bag, select expensive theological volumes, and fill my bag with several hundred dollars' worth. I would then use the toilets to remove any price tags before going downstairs to the bas.e.m.e.nt, where they would buy my books for half the retail price. I did this twice a week. I figured that if they caught me I would cry and ask for their forgiveness, and as Christians, they would have let me go; but they never caught on. I remember one person buying the entire Amy Grant tape collection, when it had been on the shelves not ten minutes before. I was saving for a motorbike and bought a Suzuki Katana. The Open Book went broke a year later, so it worked out well for everyone.

Girls That Have Said No, Part 4 Around the corner from my place is a 24-hour petrol station thing where I buy what little products I require that don't come in a can (milk) or feed my car. A girl started working there and I thought she was really nice, but she would serve me and not speak or make eye contact. So I asked her if she had a "carfor," and she asked me, "What's a carfor?" to which I replied, "Driving around in when I am not paying ninety-two dollars to feed it," and she laughed in a very strange manner and went back to what looked like counting in binary in her head. After some small talk (which, in hindsight, she may have taken as admonis.h.i.+ng her on the poor choice of videos they sold), I asked her out, but she said no.

Toys"R"Us Having spent over an hour walking through Toys"R"Us considering gift options for my eight-year-old offspring, here is a brief list of things I would buy and play with myself if they came in adult sizes: Ninja costume Star Wars Stormtrooper costume Remote controlled AeroHawk twin-blade helicopter Blue Power Ranger costume Blow-up wading pool with palm tree and slippery dip Electronic dance mat for PlayStation Pink Power Ranger costume

Girls That Have Said No, Part 5 A lady (age one hundred and ninety) in front of me at the counter at Myers yelled, "My purse!" then looked at me and proclaimed, "You took my purse." So I said, "Yes, I took your purse. I collect them." And she started yelling at me and the department manager came over, and I had to explain that I was not admitting to the theft, I was being sarcastic. Her purse ended up in one of the many bags she was carrying, but she continued to glare at me without so much as an apology. When the girl served me, she apologized, and I asked her, "Why, did you arrange for someone to act like an old crazy woman for me?" and she laughed and said that I was funny, so I asked her out. But she said no.

eBay I bought a real dinosaur's tooth fossil recently, with an invoice and a note of authenticity, because it is something I have always wanted. There is a quarry a short drive away that my nine-year-old son and I go to and explore sometimes. When we went there last, I suggested we dig for fossils and miraculously "found" the dinosaur tooth (thinking it would be a big deal to him), but he stated, "No, it's just a rock." When I swore I was positive that it was a Saurischian tooth from the Mesozoic era, he replied that I had "made that up" and for me to "throw it away." I cannot prove to him that it is a real dinosaur tooth without divulging the invoice, and he is never seeing that, since I would have to explain why I didn't buy a PlayStation 3 instead of a 70-million-year-old fossil. Occasionally he picks it up and gives me a disdaining look. Also, I bought some NASA mission badges a while back off eBay. He asked me if they had been in s.p.a.ce, and I had to admit that they hadn't, and he stated, "Well, that's just weak, then."

Spider-Man 3 I can get over the escaped convict falling into an open air particle accelerator (we have one in the vacant lot next door, and I am always telling my eight-year-old to stop playing near it); I can even get by the s.p.a.ce slime landing coincidently meters from Peter and jumping on his bike... . What I can't get past is Mary Jane. What a b.i.t.c.h. In the first movie she lets the school bully do her, then she lets the rich guy, then Peter has a turn. In the second movie, she goes through about eighteen different guys before abandoning her big expensive wedding after realizing Peter is Spider-Man. In the third film I think she does about sixty guys and whines a lot about Peter saving lives instead of coming to the theater to watch her c.r.a.p acting. Why does he put up with her? It makes no sense and is the one glaring discrepancy in an otherwise completely scientifically believable movie.

Wave Patterns If a rocket was projected as a wave pattern, setting up harmonics such that they reconst.i.tute the original relations.h.i.+p at another point of s.p.a.ce/time, any variations could be sorted by a "key" included to ensure the reconstruction was identical. If so, a flight to our nearest star, Alpha Centauri, being only four and a half light years away, would effectively take only 4.5 years to reach. Harmonic travel is impossible, and I am making it up as I go along; but if we did land on new planets, I would hope that there were s.e.xy girl aliens.

"Ribbons" by Sisters of Mercy Andrew Eldritch used to be too cool for school. I grew my hair for four years to look like him before someone told me I looked ridiculous, more like Edward Scissorhands than him. I first heard the song "Ribbons" almost twenty years ago while doing 160 km/h in a stolen Mercedes down a dark highway on a dark and rainy night. Which would be very cool if it were true, but it was actually while riding a horse and listening to a Walkman on a sunny day. Which is very not cool. I worked at a horse-riding school and had to get up at 5 a.m. every morning, break the ice on top of the horses' water troughs, and feed and groom the horses. Since the riding school catered to school camps, every day I would ride the lead horse on a set path through creeks and hills with five to ten "follower horses" carrying school kids. To make sure the follower horses did nothing but follow, each was fed a blue pill every morning. No matter what the kids did-kick, hit, fall off-the horse would just follow. Because the job was so repet.i.tive, I used to lick the blue pills before giving them to the horses. Apparently, I worked there for more than a year, but I don't remember any of it.

PERMISSION SLIPDear Parent/Guardian of Seb Thorne Seb Thorne On Monday the 22nd of March, cla.s.ses from year 5 and 6 will be attending a presentation held outside of school grounds at the Mary Richardson Memorial Hall. During the presentation, the true meaning of Easter will be explained in an entertaining and fun filled play performed by members of the Grange Uniting Church youth drama group. Students must have a signed permission slip prior to departure. If you give your child permission to attend this presentation, please sign and return to the school with your child. If you have any questions about the presentation, please call me on or send me an email to darry or send me an email to darry Darryl Robinson School Chaplain I give my child permission I do not give my child permission to attend the Mary Richardson Memorial Hall on 22.3.2010 for a cla.s.s presentation.

Parent / Guardian signature

Darryl the kind of friend Jesus would have While preaching is not allowed in Australian public schools, it is apparently fine to replace school counselors with "Christian volunteers," such as Darryl. A few years ago, the government realized that they could hand over school counseling roles to a willing Christian church without having to pay for the privilege. Now, almost half of Australian public schools have a Christian volunteer as a full-time member of the school community, with parents having no direct control of how much their children are exposed to.Although usually an advocate of people being ent.i.tled to their opinions, s.e.xual preferences, and beliefs, I seem to have developed some form of mental glitch that makes me want to punch Darryl's fat head.

From: David Thorne David Thorne Date: Wednesday 10 March 2010 7:12 p.m. Wednesday 10 March 2010 7:12 p.m.

To: Darryl Robinson Darryl Robinson Subject: Permission Slip Permission Slip

Dear Darryl,

I have received your permission slip featuring what I can only a.s.sume is a levitating rabbit about to drop an egg on Jesus.

Thank you for pre-ticking the permission box, because this has saved me not only from having to make a choice but also from having to make my own forty-five-degree downward stroke followed by a 20 percent longer forty-five-degree upward stroke. Without your guidance, I may have mistakenly drawn a picture of a cactus wearing a hat.

As I trust my offspring's ability to separate fact from fantasy, I am happy for him to partic.i.p.ate in your indoctrination process, on the proviso that all references to "Jesus" are replaced with the term "Purportedly Magic Jew."

Regards, David

From: Darryl Robinson Darryl Robinson Date: Thursday 11 March 2010 9:18 a.m. Thursday 11 March 2010 9:18 a.m.