The Internet Is A Playground Part 4

Regards, David

From: Margaret Bennett Margaret Bennett Date: Thursday 28 August 2009 11:56 a.m. Thursday 28 August 2009 11:56 a.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: computer room Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: computer room

I have spoken to the princ.i.p.al and in this instance we will lift the ban.

Margaret

I wish I had a monkey, not like this one, though If a woman had s.e.x with a gorilla, got pregnant, and gave birth, we would be able to see what man's early ancestors really looked like and include actual photographs in scientific volumes dealing with Neanderthal man. Due to the mixing of species, it might not be possible to produce offspring, or it might be more likely if a man had s.e.x with a female gorilla, but this would be much less fun to watch. Due to father/mother percentage variations, we would probably need about fifty women to do it to get an average. We could also put the babies on an island with hidden cameras to see if they invent the wheel and discover fire. Call it Monkey Island and sell series rights. Another bonus would be enough actors to produce footage that would make the opening scenes from 2001: A s.p.a.ce Odyssey 2001: A s.p.a.ce Odyssey look like a primary school play. I would call mine Manky, as it is a cross between man and monkey; and I would teach him to love. look like a primary school play. I would call mine Manky, as it is a cross between man and monkey; and I would teach him to love.Obviously, having my own monkey would be fantastic for a whole host of reasons, but as they are quite intelligent yet unable to speak, they have the advantage of learning very quickly through beatings while being unable to tell anyone. The following is a list of the kinds of monkeys that would be good to have. The list is far from complete, as it omits Jet-ski Monkey, Boiling Water Monkey, and Battlestar Galactica Battlestar Galactica Monkey but covers the basic best kinds of monkeys. Monkey but covers the basic best kinds of monkeys.

Disguised Monkey If I had a monkey, I would borrow my mum's sewing machine and make my monkey a little monkey suit. Then if anyone said, "That's not a real monkey; it's just a monkey suit-I can see the zipper," I could say, "I bet you fifty dollars it is a real monkey." And when they said, "That seems like a reasonable bet. You are on!" my monkey would take off the monkey suit, and they would have to pay me fifty dollars. I would buy drugs with the fifty dollars. For the monkey. So he wouldn't mind spending his life in a monkey suit.

Gambling Monkey If I had a monkey, I would teach him to count cards like Dustin Hoffman in the movie Rainman Rainman and then sneak my monkey into the casino. If anyone said, "Hey, a monkey! Whose monkey is that?" I would say, "It's not my monkey." and then sneak my monkey into the casino. If anyone said, "Hey, a monkey! Whose monkey is that?" I would say, "It's not my monkey."

Hairdressing Monkey If I had a monkey, I would teach him how to do my hair-using the appropriate amount of product. I would then set the alarm for him to get up half an hour before I do and do my hair while I am still asleep. This would either give me more time in the morning or allow me to spend more time sleeping. I would just waste the extra half hour, anyway, so probably better to sleep; but as I usually don't rock up to work till ten thirty or so, I could try leaving earlier. This would give me more time to write about what I would do if I had a monkey.

Singing Monkey If I had a monkey, I would teach it to sing Kylie Minogue songs. Then if Kylie pa.s.sed out on stage again I would be able to save the day by having my monkey finish the concert for her. The concert promoters would probably give me free tickets and promotional gifts. Kylie would be so thankful that she might send me an autographed photo, and I could sell it on eBay for fifty dollars. I would buy drugs with the fifty dollars. Not for the monkey, for me.

Paddling Monkey If I had a monkey, I would teach it how to use a paddle. The next time I went kayaking I would be able to relax and enjoy the scenery while my monkey navigated the river. The last time I went kayaking, I was listening to my iPod. I fell asleep and got sunburned, and the current took me way up the river before I awoke when the kayak hit a tree branch, and I had to paddle all the way back. Having a paddling monkey would prevent this from ever happening again, so really, it is a water-safety issue and should be encouraged.

Web Monkey If I had a monkey, I would teach it to download p.o.r.n for me. This way I could spend my time watching it instead of looking for it. I estimate this would save me one hundred and thirty hours a week. I would obviously require a monkey with similar tastes to mine, but how hard can it be to find a monkey with a penchant for pregnant German women in latex?

Channel Changing Monkey If I had a monkey, I would teach it how to use all the entertainment equipment. I would save money on batteries for the remote controls by having my monkey change channels for me. With the money I saved on batteries I would buy drugs. I would share the drugs with the monkey while we watched Black Books Black Books and Stephen Chow movies together. and Stephen Chow movies together.

Surveillance Monkey If I had a monkey, I would teach it to track down people who annoy me by using their profile photo and Google Maps. Using earpieces to communicate, I would have my monkey conceal himself behind the person typing on Facebook, and when that person wrote something stupid, I would have my monkey run up and slap them on the back of the head really hard then make a quick escape. Having several monkeys would be more convenient, but I don't have time to train seven monkeys, what with having to do my own hair in the morning.

5 FUN THINGS TO DO WITH A MONKEY 1. Construct and fly box kites 1. Construct and fly box kites2. EyeToy3. Run down sand dunes4. Play Connect 45. Dress up Yellow s.h.i.+rt Monkey If I had a monkey, I would name it Brendon. I would shave the monkey, buy it a yellow s.h.i.+rt, and teach it to write inane posts on the Australian wall. Occasionally I would burn the monkey with a cigarette lighter but not to cause enough damage to detract it from its primary goal: impersonating a r.e.t.a.r.d.

Ceramic Monkey If I had a monkey, I would name it Steve Darls and use it for scientific research. I would then publish my findings in a journal t.i.tled "Monkey vs. Electricity." With the proceeds from the sale of this publication, I would buy a potter's wheel and kiln and produce my own range of contemporary, modern statues of monkeys. I could make a cast of my dead monkey and use it to produce to-scale ceramic monkeys. I would design a sticker stating that part of the proceeds go to Greenpeace but would keep all the money for myself. With the money, I would buy drugs and spend my days stoned, listening to music and turning pots.

Dear neighbor, you are not invited to my party A few weeks ago, a guy moved into the apartment across from me. I know little about him apart from the fact that he owns cane furniture; I saw the delivery guys carry it up. I b.u.mped into him on the stairs once, and he said h.e.l.lo, but I cannot be friends with someone that owns cane furniture, so I pretended I had a turtle to feed or something. Last week when I checked my mailbox, I found that my new neighbor had left me a note stating that he was having a party and to let him know if the noise was too loud. The problem I have with the note is not that he was having a party and didn't invite me, it was that he selected a vibrant background of balloons, effectively stating that his party was going to be vibrant and possibly have balloons, and that I couldn't come. If I were writing a note to my neighbors saying that I was going to have a party but none of them could come, I would not add photos of ecstasy tablets, beer, and gratuitous shots of Lucius going down on men to show them what they are missing out on. I would make it clean and simple, possibly even somber, so they didn't think, "You p.r.i.c.k."

From: David Thorne David Thorne Date: Monday 8 Dec 2008 11:04 a.m. Monday 8 Dec 2008 11:04 a.m.

To: Matthew Smythe Matthew Smythe Subject: R.S.V.P. R.S.V.P.

Dear Matthew,

Thank you for the party invite. At first glance I thought it may be for a child's party-what with it being vibrant and having balloons-but I realize you probably did your best with what little tools were available. I wouldn't miss it for the world. What time would you like me there?

Regards, David

From: Matthew Smythe Matthew Smythe Date: Monday 8 Dec 2008 3:48 p.m. Monday 8 Dec 2008 3:48 p.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: Re: R.S.V.P. Re: R.S.V.P.

Hi David

Sorry the note was just to let you know that we might be a bit loud that night. The house warming is really just for friends and family but you can drop past for a beer if you like. Cheers Matthew

From: David Thorne David Thorne Date: Monday 8 Dec 2008 5:41 p.m. Monday 8 Dec 2008 5:41 p.m.

To: Matthew Smythe Matthew Smythe Subject: Re: Re: R.S.V.P. Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Thanks Matthew,

Including me in your list of friends and family means a lot. You and I don't tend to have long discussions when we meet in the hallway, and I plan to put a stop to that. Next time we b.u.mp into each other I intend to have a very long conversation with you, and I am sure you are looking forward to that as much as I am. I have told my friend Ross that you are having a party, and he is as excited as I am. Do you want us to bring anything or will everything be provided?

Regards, David From: Matthew Smythe Matthew Smythe Date: Tuesday 9 Dec 2008 10:01 a.m. Tuesday 9 Dec 2008 10:01 a.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P. Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Hi David

As I said, my housewarming is just for friends and family. There is not a lot of room so cant really have to many people come. Sorry about that mate.

Cheers Matthew

From: David Thorne David Thorne Date: Tuesday 9 Dec 2008 2:36 p.m. Tuesday 9 Dec 2008 2:36 p.m.

To: Matthew Smythe Matthew Smythe Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P. Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Dear Matthew,

I can appreciate that. Our apartments are not very large, are they? I myself like to go for a jog every night to keep fit but fear leaving the house, so I have to jog on the spot, taking very small steps with my arms straight down. I understand the problems of s.p.a.ce restrictions all too well. If you would like to store some of your furniture at my place during the party, you are quite welcome to-if we move your cane furniture into my spare room for the night and scatter cus.h.i.+ons on the ground, that would provide a lot more seating and create a cozy atmosphere at the same time. I have a mirror ball that you can borrow.

I have told Ross not to invite anyone else due to the s.p.a.ce constraints, so it will just be us two and my other friend Simon. When I told Simon that Ross and I were going to a party he became quite angry that I had not invited him as well, so I really didn't have any choice, because he can become quite violent. Sometimes I am afraid to even be in the same room as him. So just me, Ross, and Simon. Simon's girlfriend, Cathy, has a work function on that night but might come along after that if she can get a lift with friends.

Regards, David

From: Matthew Smythe Matthew Smythe Date: Tuesday 9 Dec 2008 4:19 p.m. Tuesday 9 Dec 2008 4:19 p.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P. Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Wtf? n.o.body can come to the houswarming party-it is just for friends and family. I dont even know these people. How do you know I have cane furniture? Are you the guy in apartment 1?

From: David Thorne David Thorne Date: Tuesday 9 Dec 2008 6:12 p.m. Tuesday 9 Dec 2008 6:12 p.m.

To: Matthew Smythe Matthew Smythe Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P. Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Hi Matthew,

I understand it is an exclusive party, and I appreciate your trusting my judgment on who to bring. I just a.s.sumed you have cane furniture. Doesn't everybody? Cane is possibly one of the most renewable natural resources we have after plastic, it is not only strong but also lightweight and attractive. Every item in my apartment is made of cane, including my television. It looks like the one from Gilligan's Island Gilligan's Island but is in color, of course. Do you remember that episode where a robot came to the island? That was the best one, in my opinion. I always preferred Mary Anne to Ginger, same with but is in color, of course. Do you remember that episode where a robot came to the island? That was the best one, in my opinion. I always preferred Mary Anne to Ginger, same with Flintstones Flintstones-I found Betty much more attractive than Wilma, but then I am not really keen on redheads at all. They have freckles all over their body, did you know? It's the ones on their back and shoulders that creep me out the most.