The Internet Is A Playground Part 34

Dear Thomas,

I appreciate how important this speech is to you. It is entirely possible that in ten or twenty years these young students may be running their own corporation that requires design services and think to themselves, "Who was that man that came to our school and talked about his car, Discovery Channel, and his rooftop for four hours? The one with the large head. I should give him a call, because I need a business card designed."

I have, therefore, revised the speech accordingly to target this younger demographic. Let me know of any changes required:

h.e.l.lo boys and girls. (Wave. With both hands so those at the back can see you.)

My name is Thomas, and I drove here in a motor car. Once upon a time, there was an evil wizard who tried to cast a spell on a young boy. Luckily, the young boy was able to defeat the evil wizard by doing a magical spinning dance. Without the use of bottle tops nailed to a stick. And that is what graphic design and branding is about: spinning really fast. (Demonstrate.) And here's a PowerPoint presentation ...

From: Thomas Thomas Date: Thursday 28 January 2010 11:49 a.m. Thursday 28 January 2010 11:49 a.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Speech Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Speech

I have to present this tomorrow morning. What the f.u.c.k is wrong with you? I will write it myself if you cant do as you are asked.

From: David Thorne David Thorne Date: Thursday 28 January 2010 12:26 p.m. Thursday 28 January 2010 12:26 p.m.

To: Thomas Thomas Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Speech Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Speech

Dear Thomas,

All right, but going by the number of client proposals that have been sent out in the last six months, it has been a while since you have actually written anything. Just remember, the big letters mean you have started writing and the dots mean you have finished. The dots with tails mean you are talking, then pausing, then talking, and then pausing, again.

Regards, David From: Thomas Thomas Date: Thursday 28 January 2010 2:19 p.m. Thursday 28 January 2010 2:19 p.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Speech Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Speech

The reason no client proposals have gone out lately is due to the global financial crisis. My job is hard enough without you being a d.i.c.khead when I ask you to write one f.u.c.king opening speech. For students! How hard can that be? I have to give the speech tomorrow morning and I expect you to e-mail me something usable before then.

From: David Thorne David Thorne Date: Thursday 28 January 2010 3:46 p.m. Thursday 28 January 2010 3:46 p.m.

To: Thomas Thomas Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Speech Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Speech

Dear Thomas,

Thank you for explaining that the several hours of your day spent playing online poker is a direct result of the weak U.S. dollar. I apologize for the previous drafts, which I agree, with hindsight, do not give a clear understanding of your important role. Please find attached the amended and final draft:

Good morning students.

My name is Thomas, and I have been asked to speak to you today about being a graphic designer and running a design and branding agency. I never intended to be a graphic designer. I have always wanted to work with cheese.

When I was a young boy I would make my own and go door to door selling it in the small village where I was raised. One particularly warm summer, I made enough money to buy a bicycle and started my own home cheese delivery company, taking orders via two-way radio. I painted a pair of my father's overalls bright yellow, cutting holes to symbolize Swiss cheese, and rode throughout the village calling, "Cheese! Cheese for sale!" People would often point and say, "There's that kid on the bicycle who makes his own cheese. Look at the size of his head." Eventually my business was shut down due to government officials not understanding the self-fermentation benefits of guinea-pig milk, but not before I learned the benefits of company branding and had raised enough capital to start my own branding company.

Unfortunately, my design director David Thorne, who has been responsible for the majority of high-profile client branding projects for the company over the last eight years, just formally tendered his resignation, effective immediately. David cited the inability of the company owner to actively seek new clients, a salary that professional bag ladies would ridicule, third-world working conditions, and beating his own high score in an office game he devised called "Staring at the wall, wondering what happy people are doing," as his main reasons.

David thanked the staff and me for the opportunities that were provided to him during his time with the company and wished me all the best with my personal and professional endeavors. And with the speech.

And here's a PowerPoint presentation ...

From: Thomas Thomas Date: Thursday 28 January 2010 4:13 p.m. Thursday 28 January 2010 4:13 p.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Speech Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Speech

Fine.

From: David Thorne David Thorne Date: Thursday 28 January 2010 4:26 p.m. Thursday 28 January 2010 4:26 p.m.

To: Thomas Thomas Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Speech Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Speech

Fine.

Dear Jason a guide to fine art scanning h.e.l.lo, my name is Jason. I'm often asked about fine art scanning, so I have compiled this handy guide to building your own equipment. I discovered fine art scanning when I was about twelve or thirteen. Around 97 percent of people, male and female, scan fine art regularly, and it is a healthy and normal exercise. Those that do not are usually suffering mental or physical problems, so it seems strange that fine art scanning is still seen as taboo or embarra.s.sing these days, and the term "fine art scanner" derogatory. In actuality, the term "non-fine art scanner" should be more insulting, as it hints at a mental illness. Those that are required to scan fine art should be encouraged and commended on such a socially responsible activity.

Q. Dear Jason, sometimes I scan fine art when I am at work. Is this normal, or should I see someone about it? Thanks, Chris.

A. Scanning fine art at work is completely normal, Chris. I am currently scanning fine art as I write this. My favorite place to scan fine art is in public places, such as movie theaters and playgrounds. Sometimes when I scan fine art I like to imagine I am on stage or speaking at a conference.

Q. Dear Jason, sometimes I think about firemen when I am scanning fine art. Is this normal? Rob.

A. It is perfectly normal, Rob. I often imagine I am a fireman or army man when I am scanning fine art.

Q. Dear Jason, I have heard that scanning fine art too much can cause blindness. Is this true, or did someone make that up? Cheers, Mike.

A. h.e.l.lo Mike, I can honestly say there is no truth to this rumor. I regularly scan fine art thirty to forty times a day with no negative results. Once, during back-to-back episodes of Gilmore Girls Gilmore Girls, I scanned fine art one hundred and twelve times with no adverse effects.

Q. Dear Jason, I am left handed and I was wondering if this will affect my ability to scan fine art effectively. Best, Steve.

A. Being left-handed is an advantage, Steve; I myself am right-handed but use my left, leaving my mouse-hand free.

Step 1 Take one roll of Oreo cookies out of the packet.

Step 2 Cut off the end of the packet and remove the cookies.

Step 3 Roll the end of the packet over several times until you have a smooth, rounded bevel.

Step 4 Choose a photo of someone you would like to scan fine art with. Place the packet bevel over the lips and trace around the circ.u.mference.

Step 5 Cut out the area you have drawn. Remember to cut inside of the line to ensure the right size.

Step 6 Insert the packet into the hole you have just cut until the bevel is flush with the picture.

Step 7 And there you are. Your homemade fine art scanning device is complete.