The Internet Is A Playground Part 19

My point is, barring the possibility of strategy-formulating bears, stating my actions const.i.tute a punishable breach of regulations structured to protect the community only enables you to be wrong with authority, not right.

Contrary to your statement, I do understand the importance of bear safety. Several years ago, I went camping with a few a.s.sociates and thought it would be amusing to jump out of bushes while wearing a bear suit. Renting the only bear costume available, which was a koala, I altered it as best I could to make it look frightening by taping down the fluffy ears, adding sharp cardboard teeth, and constructing two downward slanting eyebrows with electrical tape. While sitting around the campfire, I excused myself, donned the concealed costume, and leaped out, yelling, "Rawr!" Moments later, I realized the screaming and falling back off chairs was not due to my wearing a bear costume but the fact that I was standing in the fire while wearing a bear costume made of polyester. After a two-hour drive to the nearest hospital, I underwent three weeks of skin-grafting on my left leg and six months of hearing about how I ruined the camping trip. To this day, when anyone asks about the scars, I simply state, "It involved a camping trip and a bear-I don't like to talk about it," which is true, because I don't. While I was in the hospital, my mother went to my apartment to get some clothes for me and found my p.o.r.n collection, so it is a touchy subject.

Also, while I was able to persuade the bear to exit my vehicle by pretending to be an old lady looking for her cat, it is now inside my premises. Although not immediately evident from the attached photograph, the bear is sitting between me and the television remote control, located on the cus.h.i.+on to its left. As this effectively cuts off my ability to change channels and The View The View just started, this should be cla.s.sed as an emergency situation. If I wanted to watch a group of old women carry on, I would attend an MPOA community meeting. just started, this should be cla.s.sed as an emergency situation. If I wanted to watch a group of old women carry on, I would attend an MPOA community meeting.

Regards, David

From: Patricia Jennings Patricia Jennings Date: Friday 8 October 2010 5:03 p.m. Friday 8 October 2010 5:03 p.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Bears Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Bears

Fine. I will waive the amount this time if you agree to make sure all your trash is secure in future.

From: David Thorne David Thorne Date: Friday 8 October 2010 5:16 p.m. Friday 8 October 2010 5:16 p.m.

To: Patricia Jennings Patricia Jennings Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Bears Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Bears

Dear Pat,

Regardless of whether you waive the fine or not, and despite conditional terms added to rea.s.sert authority, I will continue to secure trash correctly. Not because it is a rule, but because it is a logical rule to follow. Despite my continuing doubt as to the ability of bears to plan and execute maneuvers requiring SWAT team precision, I will also do so regardless of the time frame between deposit and collection. Not because it is a logical rule to follow, but because it is a rule.

How about you agree to waive the fine and I promise not to e-mail you the remaining eighty-six photos of my dog dressed as a bear?

Regards, David

From: Patricia Jennings Patricia Jennings Date: Friday 8 October 2010 5:24 p.m. Friday 8 October 2010 5:24 p.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Bears Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Bears

Agreed.

Bill's guide to everything on the Internet h.e.l.lo, my name is Bill, and welcome to my guide to the Internet. Basically, everything on the Internet is rubbish, but I will try to pinpoint the main areas to avoid. The Internet is full of idiots writing rubbish for other idiots to read. If I want to find something out I will ask someone or read a book. I paid more than three thousand dollars for my complete leather-bound set of Funk & Wagnalls in 1967, and if it is not in there, then it is not worth knowing. Also, man will walk on the moon before I have a Facebook page.

Google When I was young and I wanted to know something, I was beaten for being too inquisitive. That's the problem with the young people today: They have a Google answer for everything. If they had to walk to their local library every time they had something stupid to ask, they would ask a lot fewer stupid questions.

Google Images Google Images is useless. I used it once to search for a photo of farm equipment, and it showed me twenty thousand pictures of horse d.i.c.ks.

Blogging I read a blog once by someone who had bought a scarf, and he went on for about three hundred paragraphs about his scarf and where he bought it and how it made him feel. The last time I bought a scarf, I wore it. End of story. I didn't write a novel about it.

Chat Rooms If I wanted to chat with strangers, I would pick up the phone and press random numbers. I tried a chat room once and was talking to a guy who claimed he was an obese fifty-three-year-old man living in a caravan park, but there is no way of knowing if these people are telling the truth.

The Bath Mat I realize this is not Internet-related, but I cannot understand why it is so hard for people to hang the bath mat over the bath when they are finished using it. I don't leave the mat all soggy for other people to walk on after I have been in there.

Twitter Why would I want anybody I don't know knowing what I am doing? I don't yell out to everyone in the supermarket, "I am buying oranges!" So why would I want to do it on my Internet? When I was young, I lived in a small village where everybody knew each other and knew what everyone was up to. There was a fat Italian kid who lived next door to me named Tony. One day I shot him in the leg with a homemade bow and arrow from my tree house that overlooked his yard, and his parents called the police. Within hours the entire village was calling me William Tell. Having escaped the small town mentality for the last fifty-two years, I am hardly going to advertise my movements now.

Facebook I have a photo alb.u.m on my bookshelf full of faces of people I know that I haven't opened since 1982, so why would I want their faces on my Internet ? None of them are even very good looking. I tried Facebook to see what all the fuss was about and was only on there five minutes before some idiot "Poked" me. It is easy to be brave when you are on the Internet.

Reddit /Digg These sites are the online equivalent of walking down the street, finding a rock shaped like a frog, and holding it up in the air while yelling for all my neighbors to come out and tell me what they think of my frog-shaped rock. My neighbors can all go to h.e.l.l. Especially Mrs. Carter in number three who leaves her bins out all week. If I did find a rock shaped like a frog, I would throw it at her.

eBay If I wanted a house full of cheap, dirty, secondhand rubbish, I would go to a garage sale in Klemzig.

E-mail People are always sending me all kinds of rubbish. Why would I want dozens of pictures of lots of love cats? I hate cats. I went away for a week recently, and when I got back and checked my e-mail, I had eight hundred and forty-three messages. Eight hundred and forty of these were adverts for v.i.a.g.r.a, and the other three were pictures of lots of love cats. I bought a "No junk mail" sticker and stuck it on my modem, but n.o.body has taken any notice.

/b/ I spent a good hour on this site and still have no idea what it is for. All I could work out is that I am apparently a "newf.a.g" and cannot "triforce" but am unsure as to why I would need to triforce in the first place. I asked some of the people on there for their advice regarding triforcing, but the only answer I seemed to get was "n.i.g.g.e.r."

SA Police protecting society from blogs Having written an article where I stated that I wished to purchase drugs and sell them at a profit, I was contacted by Michael the Police Officer, who kindly pointed out to me that it is a criminal offense to solicit money with the intent to purchase drugs and sell them at a profit. As such, I amended the previous article accordingly.Also, I actually spent the weekend in jail recently due to unpaid parking fines. Adelaide police are an interesting bunch, and when I stated that I was vegetarian, I was given a raw potato to last me the two days.

From: David Thorne David Thorne Date: Friday 26 February 2010 8:12 p.m. Friday 26 February 2010 8:12 p.m.

To: Michael Harding Michael Harding Subject: Censors.h.i.+p Censors.h.i.+p

Dear Michael,

Thank you for your letter. At no time have I condoned the use of drugs.

I simply stated that I wish to purchase and sell them at a profit. I do however understand the importance of censors.h.i.+p. Without an enforced system of guidance from agencies such as yours, people would be forced to exercise their own discretion.

Regards, David From: Michael Harding Michael Harding Date: Sat.u.r.day 27 February 2010 10:27 a.m. Sat.u.r.day 27 February 2010 10:27 a.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: Re: Censors.h.i.+p Re: Censors.h.i.+p

David, your obvious disrespect for authority doesn't change the fact that soliciting money for the purpose of purchasing and selling drugs is a criminal offense under South Australian law. I advise you to remove the article and I will check that you have done so by 5pm tomorrow.

Yours sincerely, Michael Harding

From: David Thorne David Thorne Date: Sat.u.r.day 27 February 2010 10:44 a.m. Sat.u.r.day 27 February 2010 10:44 a.m.

To: Michael Harding Michael Harding Subject: Re: Re: Censors.h.i.+p Re: Re: Censors.h.i.+p

Dear Michael,

Despite your a.s.sumption, I have the highest amount of respect for authority. I actually wanted to become a police officer but failed the IQ test when I arrived on time at the correct building.

While not exactly a police officer, when I was about eight I desperately wanted to be Tom Selleck from Magnum PI. I painted my Standish Selecta-12 bright red and constructed a mustache by clipping a large amount of hair from the neighbor's cat and gluing it to my upper lip. This is how I discovered my allergy to cat hair. As I was dragged to my neighbor's house, my apology through lips the size of bananas came out as "Imsryfrctnheroffyrcat iwntdtobemgnumpi." I also wanted to be frozen and thawed out in the twenty-fifth century due to Wilma Deering's jumpsuit, but despite emptying the refrigerator and sitting in it for over an hour, the only result was mild hypothermia and a belting.

I have been considering sitting the police exam again, as protecting the community from burglars, murderers, and blogs must be very fulfilling. I am fairly fit due to regularly thinking about jogging, and I once performed a jumping jack. It was unintentional and involved a spider on the bath mat but still counts. I am also experienced in self-defense and recently built a moat. Sometimes, I dress as a French mime and pretend to walk against a strong wind, to the delight of those around me. Everybody loves a mime. This skill would obviously come in quite useful during police stealth operations.

Due to restrictive Australian gun laws, I do not have much experience with weapons, but I did construct my own bazooka when I was about ten using a length of pipe, a securely tightened end cap, a golf ball, and a three-to-one ratio of chlorine and brake fluid. While the design was flawless, the resulting broken collarbone from the kickback, and the two-inch hole through two plaster walls and a television set, brought a swift end to my foray into ballistic research and development.

Regards, David

From: Michael Harding Michael Harding Date: Sat.u.r.day 27 February 2010 2:09 p.m. Sat.u.r.day 27 February 2010 2:09 p.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Censors.h.i.+p Re: Re: Re: Censors.h.i.+p

David, this isn't the first time we've received complaints regarding your website. You have until 5pm tomorrow to remove the article, and I'll be checking your website regularly. You might not take this seriously, but I can a.s.sure you that we do.

Yours sincerely, Michael Harding From: David Thorne David Thorne Date: Sat.u.r.day 27 February 2010 3:18 p.m. Sat.u.r.day 27 February 2010 3:18 p.m.

To: Michael Harding Michael Harding Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Censors.h.i.+p Re: Re: Re: Re: Censors.h.i.+p

Dear Michael,