The Internet Is A Playground Part 10

From: David Thorne David Thorne Date: Friday 13 November 2009 1:15 p.m. Friday 13 November 2009 1:15 p.m.

To: Megan Roberts Megan Roberts Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs

Dear Megan,

That makes more sense. I was wondering what I was going to do with two copies of each movie.

Regards, David

From: Megan Roberts Megan Roberts Date: Friday 13 November 2009 2:33 p.m. Friday 13 November 2009 2:33 p.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs

What do you mean by 2 copies? Are you saying you found the movies?

Megan From: David Thorne David Thorne Date: Friday 13 November 2009 2:57 p.m. Friday 13 November 2009 2:57 p.m.

To: Megan Roberts Megan Roberts Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs

Dear Megan,

Yes, they were on top of my fridge the whole time. Unfortunately I have a blind spot that prevents me from seeing this area of the kitchen, as it is also where I keep my pile of unpaid bills. Last night I slept on the kitchen floor with the fridge door open because my air conditioner was broken and the temperature outside exceeded that of the center of the earth. As my fridge emits a high pitched "beep" every thirty seconds when left open, the vibrations from this caused the DVDs to wriggle forward over the span of many hours before toppling from the edge, and I awoke to find them beside me on the pillow. As you have already waived the late fees, I will drop them off tonight and we will call it even.

Regards, David

From: Megan Roberts Megan Roberts Date: Friday 13 November 2009 3:43 p.m. Friday 13 November 2009 3:43 p.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs

Ok.

h.e.l.lo, my name is Shannon, and I eat like a snake Due to an extendable jaw and highly acidic saliva levels, I have found that consuming an orange whole and digesting it over the span of many hours, like a snake, requires almost no effort at all.

I once ate a rock melon, but of course that took many days to digest. People sometimes a.s.sume when they see a hint of orange in my mouth that I am wearing a fas.h.i.+onable form of braces or afflicted with a medical condition requiring me to wear a mouthguard at all times, possibly in case of falling over during a seizure or maybe even that sleeping illness you see in movies sometimes. Of course I cannot actually move or do anything while I am digesting, but this has not affected my work, as I can still move my eyes, allowing me to look out the window and keep an eye on the petty cash tin.

Shannon's blanket of security.

Due to there being no petty cash left, with which Shannon was planning to buy her lunch, Shannon initiates Operation Lunch Money with the unveiling of her new Blanket of Security System (BOSS). The petty cash protection vehicle features Internet access for downloading iTunes and windows for looking out of.

Working out with Jeff at two hundred and ten dollars per visit I keep telling myself that I should get fit, but then I see people that I know and work with starting exercise routines and becoming boring, talking about "reps" and reading out the amount of calories from food wrappers as if anybody cares. A year after going to the gym and becoming experts on the amount of water they should drink in a day, they are just as flabby as when they started but less interesting. As I am constantly told I am too skinny, last year I paid four hundred and twenty dollars to join a gym. I attended twice: the first time for almost an hour; the second, only fifteen minutes, when it dawned on me that 1) the level of fitness of the people attending the gym was inversely proportional to the level of intelligence and 2) my instructor was not wearing anything under his Spandex bike pants and the wet s.e.m.e.n spot would, in all probability, brush against me if I stayed there any longer.

From: Jeff Peters Jeff Peters Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 10:22 a.m. Wednesday 8 April 2009 10:22 a.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: Members.h.i.+p Renewal Due Members.h.i.+p Renewal Due

Dear David

This is a friendly reminder to let you know your gym members.h.i.+p expired last week. Your members.h.i.+p is important to us and we would like to take this opportunity to show our appreciation by offering you a 20% discount on your members.h.i.+p renewal. We look forward to seeing you again soon.

All the best, Jeff Peters From: David Thorne David Thorne Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 1:37 p.m. Wednesday 8 April 2009 1:37 p.m.

To: Jeff Peters Jeff Peters Subject: Re: Members.h.i.+p Renewal Due Re: Members.h.i.+p Renewal Due

Dear Jeff,

Thank you for your friendly reminder and the kind offer to reduce my members.h.i.+p by 20 percent. I own a calculator but I could not work out how to do percentages on it, so have estimated that I save around $372.10 off the normal price of $420.00. Please confirm that this is correct, and I will renew my members.h.i.+p immediately. Also, do I get a Fitness First sports bag with a towel and drinking bottle included in the price? I own my own leg warmers and headband.

Regards, David

From: Jeff Peters Jeff Peters Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10:01 a.m. Thursday 9 April 2009 10:01 a.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Members.h.i.+p Renewal Due Re: Re: Members.h.i.+p Renewal Due

h.e.l.lo David

How did you come to that amount? Our half year members.h.i.+p fees are actually $460 but with the 20% discount as an existing member your renewing members.h.i.+p fee would be only $368 for the six months saving you almost $100 off the normal price. We are not Fitness First so do not have those bags.

Cheers, Jeff From: David Thorne David Thorne Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10:18 a.m. Thursday 9 April 2009 10:18 a.m.

To: Jeff Peters Jeff Peters Subject: Re: Re: Re: Members.h.i.+p Renewal Due Re: Re: Re: Members.h.i.+p Renewal Due

Dear Jeff,

Do I get free s.h.i.+pping with that?

Regards, David

From: Jeff Peters Jeff Peters Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 12:48 p.m. Thursday 9 April 2009 12:48 p.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Members.h.i.+p Renewal Due Re: Re: Re: Re: Members.h.i.+p Renewal Due

Free s.h.i.+pping with what? The $368 covers your members.h.i.+p fees for six months.

From: David Thorne David Thorne Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 2:26 p.m. Thursday 9 April 2009 2:26 p.m.

To: Jeff Peters Jeff Peters Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Members.h.i.+p Renewal Due Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Members.h.i.+p Renewal Due

Dear Jeff,

By the power of Grayskull, that is a lot of money, but I admit to being in desperate need of increasing my body strength. My ten-year-old child often turns the taps off in the bathroom very tightly, so I have to go several days without was.h.i.+ng. I feel bad constantly having to ask the lady from next door to come over and loosen them for me, what with her arthritis and limited wheelchair access to my apartment.

To be honest, I originally joined your gym with full intentions of attending every few days, but after waiting in vain for someone to offer me steroids, I began to suspect that was not going to happen; and the realization that I may have to exercise instead was, quite frankly, horrifying. My aversion to work, along with the fact one of your employees, Justin, was rather rude, telling me to "lift this," "push that," dulled my initial enthusiasm of becoming muscular, and I stopped attending.

Regards, David