Let Me: Let Me Fall Part 22

What I needed right now was a good cry and a hot shower. In that order.

The happy foursome didn't vacate the premises until quarter-past ten. Connie picked up the credit card receipt when I asked her to. I just couldn't go over there again-couldn't bear to do the awkward goodbye scene.

"Let me guess...an old boyfriend?"

"How did you know?"

"Because you're usually super organized and you f.u.c.ked up two tickets tonight. Don't worry, Carolyn," she pressed on when I dropped my head into my hands. "I covered for you with Marco. But I knew something was up. You looked rattled. And that big, hot piece of man meat with the s.e.xy, s.h.a.ggy brown hair kept sneaking looks at you. The girl with him couldn't keep her dagger eyes off you either. And only a man who still holds a torch would leave a tip like this," she said, handing over the receipt.

The bill was for two hundred and thirty dollars. The tip was for one-twenty. Connie was smiling at me but that tip didn't please me-it left me feeling like a loser. Jeremy wasn't pining for me. More like he wanted to be kind, leave me some d.a.m.n consolation prize to soften the blow.

I handed Sal sixty dollars as he was walking out the door. "You already tipped me out, Carolyn."

"I know. This is extra. You helped me out with that table so I'm splitting the tip with you."

"You sure? You don't have to do that."

"I insist."

"Ok, thanks." His face split into a wide grin. "Did you see the giant knockers on that brunette?"

"It's no wonder you don't have a girlfriend," Connie hissed as she smacked him on the side of his head.

It was nearly midnight.

Closing time.

Time to go home and lick my wounds.

I stood back, hidden in the darkness, debating whether or not I should approach. She was sitting in her mom's old model station wagon, parked behind the restaurant underneath a street light. Her forehead rested against the steering wheel.

I watched her.

After a few minutes, she raised her head. She looked drawn out, tired. I saw her wipe at her eyes and then turn the key in the ignition.

I watched Carolyn drive off.

Tonight was a disaster of epic proportions.

From the moment I picked up Kenzie, I was miserable. The effort she'd put into her hair and make-up, and the outfit-still borderline inappropriate but an obvious attempt on her part to look more upscale. It made me feel bad for her, guilty. It was obvious she believed that this thing we had was moving in one direction while I was certain it was going nowhere. Certain I had to end this tonight.

She was bubbly and chatty for the entire ride to the restaurant. I smiled, asked her questions, made conversation in return-tried not to be the heartless d.i.c.k that I was.

When I opened her car door, she looked at me wide-eyed, as if no one had ever done that for her before, as if I was Prince f.u.c.king Charming. She flashed me a bright smile and said, "There are so many things I just love about you, Jeremy. You're so polite."

I couldn't wait for the night to be over and it hadn't even really begun. I just had this feeling, a sense of foreboding that sat like acid in the pit of my gut, that with one or two drinks tonight, Kenzie would be professing her undying love for me.

And she thinks I'm polite? I wanted to remind her that after Sunday's f.u.c.k fest, I'd practically peeled her off me, couldn't look her in the eye, and practically left tire tracks as I sped away after dropping her off in front of her apartment. No, I was not polite and I was not good.

I was miserable.

When I was in her presence, I always had a simmering sense of irritation. I attributed it to the fact that our meetings were never initiated by me. But there was something else. Kenzie was pleasant enough and she had shown me glimpses of her sweet side, but in the short time I'd known her, she'd flashed a little nasty as well. Tip-offs to what I a.s.sumed was a catty and possessive side. The back off look she shot to the waitress that first night at Red's, her constant need to grip my arm and hold my hand when we were together, and tonight, her impatience when our waitress didn't materialize within two minutes of our party being seated.

Our waitress.

I didn't have to look up to know it was her. That sweet lilt as she spoke her greeting? I'd know that voice anywhere. It was the voice that had haunted my dreams for years. Make me yours, Jeremy, please.

I raised my eyes slowly as I felt Frank nudge me under the table. Her hair was up in a ponytail, exposing her neck, giving me a full view of her face. Full, dark pink lips, big brown eyes, creamy soft skin-flushed just slightly.

So beautiful.

I saw her expression change. She continued smiling but her brows puckered in a confused response to the subtle but snotty barb Kenzie had just lobbed. Carolyn stayed composed. I felt protective over Carolyn but also wanted to s.h.i.+eld Kenzie. It was so f.u.c.king confusing. Kenzie's pettiness angered me but I was also embarra.s.sed on her behalf. Carolyn's persistent kind smile and her refusal to stoop low left Kenzie looking the fool and I felt bad for her. She was no match for Carolyn, in any way.

When Carolyn finally looked my way, her shock was evident. It was clear that she hadn't noticed me in the busy bustle of the restaurant before that very moment. Her eyes widened but I thought I saw one side of her mouth creep up. Could she possibly be happy to see me? If she was, the feeling was fleeting. She looked back and forth between me and Kenzie. I saw painful recognition flash in her eyes.

"Holy c.r.a.p," Frank said, letting out a breath as soon as Kenzie and Sadie had left the table to use the ladies' room.

We were already three rounds of drinks in; the girls were acting silly and were too loud. Kenzie was making a point of touching me at every given opportunity. I'd raised my head twice to see Carolyn's eyes fixed on that exact spot where Kenzie's hand rested over mine on the table, rubbing lazy circles into my skin. And when Frank, the idiot, mentioned how stoked he was for skiing this winter and the girls started making drunken plans for the four of us to spend weekends at my place in Killington, I could swear that Carolyn overheard.

I wanted to f.u.c.king scream.

I couldn't bear Carolyn's discomfort tonight-the awkward way she stumbled as she tried to recite the specials, the way her hand trembled just slightly as she wrote down our orders. She was making mistakes, which was so unlike her. I watched, pained, as she set plates in front of customers who then informed her that they'd ordered something different.

I also couldn't stand the desperate way Kenzie was attempting to work her way in with me-the suggestive glances, the overly familiar touches. If I felt like things weren't quite right between us before, tonight just made it all the more obvious.

I felt nothing but disdain for her when she reprimanded Carolyn and when she waffled over her dinner order, needing me to help her decide. Really? But my contempt for her was immediately replaced by guilt. The girl had lost the love of her life. She was looking for someone to care about her, looking for some kindness, some romance. Through my careless greed, my selfish need for the temporary comfort of a body next to mine-for a f.u.c.k, I'd led her to believe something about us that was not true.

"You know I had no idea she worked here, right?"

"I know, Frank. Just shut up about it, all right? I just wanna get through the night. No ordering f.u.c.king desert, either."

"Got it," he said, dejected.

"One more round?" Kenzie looked to Sadie, giggling as they sat back down.

"Yes, if we can get that waitress' attention," Sadie replied, heavy on the b.i.t.c.hy.

"Can I get you another round of drinks?" asked the kid who seemed to have taken over our table for Carolyn. The girls gave their orders and then he asked me and Frank if we wanted another round of beers. I noticed as he spoke to us his eyes stayed fixed on Kenzie's t.i.ts.

As he walked off, Sadie hissed, "What a little pervert."

"I know," Kenzie said indignantly. "He was totally rude."

"He's probably sixteen...seventeen tops," I said, dismissively, excusing his actions.

"Someone needs to teach him some manners," Kenzie huffed.

Did she think I was taking on that a.s.signment? Defending her honor from a h.o.r.n.y teenager who'd ogled what she'd put out for public viewing? Not happening. "If a boy sees those," I said, gesturing with my head towards her b.r.e.a.s.t.s, "he's going to look."

She took my statement as a compliment, not as a declaration of my indifference. When Sadie and Frank became involved in a side conversation, she looked down briefly towards her b.r.e.a.s.t.s, then raised her heated eyes to me and whispered, "These are only for you."

f.u.c.k me.

Carolyn came over only once more but it was enough to put the final nail in this coffin. "I hope you enjoyed everything. Can I get you any coffee or desert, or would you like the check?"

I'm sure she was praying we'd ask for the check. She wanted us gone as much as I wanted to leave. This entire night was a f.u.c.king misery.

"Everything was great. The check's fine, Carolyn, thanks," Frank said, without asking the girls if they wanted desert. I sat there silent, willing her to look at me. She didn't make eye contact as she placed the check on the table between me and Frank.

"I wanted a cannoli, Frank," Sadie whined.

Kenzie eyed me and then asked cautiously, "Who is that girl? How do you two know her?"

We answered simultaneously. Frank said, "We went to the same high school," while I said, "Carolyn was my girlfriend."

Kenzie's face paled, her expression morphing from hurt to anger. She crossed her arms underneath her chest. "Did you know she would be here?"

"No."

"That was a long time ago," Sadie rea.s.sured her.

"Was it, Jeremy? Is she long gone and forgotten?"

I just looked at her, attempting to come up with something to soothe her, to make her feel better. But the only thing that would make her feel better was a lie.

Kenzie excused herself, took her coat off the back of her chair and then left in a huff. I followed her out.

Kenzie had tears rolling down her cheeks when I caught up to her on the sidewalk outside. "Hey, I didn't know she was here. I'm so sorry, Kenzie. I feel terrible."

"You still care about her."

I looked up to the sky and blew out a tired breath. "Please get in, Kenzie," I said as I opened the pa.s.senger side door for her. "Let me take you home."

After fifteen minutes of very uncomfortable silence, Kenzie turned to me and asked, "So she's the one? The one that Sadie told me about? The one that totally screwed you over?"

Kenzie deserved a lot of things. She did not deserve my life story, though, and I was not listening to anyone talk s.h.i.+t about Carolyn. Not happening.

"That was a bad time, Kenzie. Carolyn didn't set out to hurt me or anyone else."

Her hands were in her lap, balled into fists. "I find it pretty hard to believe that you had no idea she worked there. This is a pretty small f.u.c.king town."

"I didn't know. And remember, I didn't make these plans."

She nodded, a bitter smile on her face. "Come to think of it, Jeremy, you haven't made any plans with me. Every time...you make me feel like I'm being pushed on you and I should be happy to have any sc.r.a.p of attention you throw my way. I'm nothing, right?" Her voiced raised higher with each subsequent sentence. "Someone you f.u.c.ked when you were drunk and h.o.r.n.y, right? f.u.c.k you, Jeremy! I deserve better than you!"

I let her rant because I deserved every word. "You do deserve better. And I never intended for us to be together in that way because I knew I wasn't ready. I told you that the very first night."

"But you did do it. And you wanted me," she said, accusing me. "Not once, Jeremy...three times." She shook her head and added, "That night...you told me you loved me."

Now it was my turn to put a quarter in the swear jar. "The f.u.c.k I did!"

She turned back to look at me. I could see the lie in her eyes. "You did," she whispered before fresh tears slid down her cheeks.

"I was drunk that night, Kenzie, but I know for a fact that in my entire life, I've only said those words to one girl."

"To her," she said, dejected, as we pulled up in front of her apartment. "She doesn't want you, Jeremy," Kenzie said softly. "She doesn't. That was as plain as day." After a moment she added, "I deserve better but so do you. Give us a chance. I know I could-"

"s.h.i.+t," I said, slamming the steering wheel. "There's never going to be anything between us, Kenzie. I feel terrible on account that I've hurt you. It's just that...you're not for me. I'm sorry," I said again, intending to end this conversation, end this awful night. "Some guy is going to wors.h.i.+p the ground you walk on. You deserve nothing less than that."

She nodded sadly, let herself out and made her way inside.

I drove south again, cursing myself as I pa.s.sed my exit and drove right back...to her.

So I just stood there and watched. When she drove off, I followed her home. It was midnight. Did she always get out of work so late? I worried about her driving home alone late at night...would always worry, would always care about her, no matter what. No matter if she didn't want me and it was clear as day, I thought, annoyed by Kenzie's words.

I slowed as she approached her street. Her brake lights and turn signal were on but then she changed course and kept going straight. She drove. One mile turned to two, then three. Carolyn pulled into the field next to the lake. She pulled up as close as you could go, right to where the gra.s.s turned to sand.

I parked further back and got out of my truck slowly. I stood stock still for a moment, shoving my hands into my pockets. f.u.c.k it, I thought, as I stalked towards her car. Before I made it there, though, she got out.

She just stood next to her car, looking out over the lake. It was a calm night, fairly warm for early November. Moonlight danced over the surface of the water and lit Carolyn's features.

So much I wanted to say to her. So many things I needed to know, questions I needed answered. Instead I went with, "Are you f.u.c.king kidding me, Carolyn? Please tell me you don't usually come out here alone at night. I could have been some psycho following you."

She didn't startle at the sound of my voice. She kept her gaze fixed on the lake as she said, "I only know one psycho who drives a truck with a Tri-State Electrical logo, Jeremy."

She looked back to me and then sank slowly into a sitting position. She patted the s.p.a.ce next to her. An invitation-the first of its kind in three years.

"Where's your girlfriend?" she asked cautiously as I sat down.

On the way down, my arm brushed hers. And s.h.i.+t if my body didn't betray me, sending a jolt through my system at the mere proximity of her. It p.i.s.sed me off. "Not my girlfriend. It was just a date," I said defensively. "Frank and Sadie set us up."

"That was your first date?" Carolyn asked, smiling and c.o.c.king an eyebrow. Before I could answer, she called me on my bulls.h.i.+t. "She's...affectionate for a first date."

I shook my head. "Date three."

Her smile dimmed. "She's pretty."

I just shrugged. It was quiet between us for a minute. "What am I supposed to say to you, Carolyn?"

She turned to me, her features weighed down with a heavy sadness. "I don't know...but I want you to talk to me, scream at me, lash out at me...whatever you need to do." When I stayed silent, Carolyn let out a breath and said, "I know that I've been wanting...for so long...to tell you that I'm sorry, Jeremy." She paused and swallowed nervously before going on. "I had nothing, no feeling. I just...things just got bad. But I'm sorry that I dropped you like that...acted like I was the only one hurting."