The Mystic Arts Of Erasing All Signs Of Death Part 43

Then Mr. Big Ten Four b.u.t.ted in.

-Harris.

-Yeah?

-Why's the p.e.c.k.e.r need a gun he's just supposed to be out of the way? How 'bout that, Mr. Smartypants?

I let the Mr. Smartypants comment slide. A major achievement for me.

-It's not loaded.

Everyone looked at the gun.

I shrugged.

-Check it, man. It's not loaded.

Mr. Big Ten Four popped the clip loose, like a man used to doing such things, and showed us all the absence of ammunition.

Everyone looked at me.

-Hey, who wants a mental defective like this to have a loaded weapon? I just let him hold it 'cause I know it would shut him up.

It wasn't that hard for Harris and Mr. Big Ten Four to get Jaime off me, and they didn't hurt him doing it, but I wouldn't have felt all that bad if they had.

-a.s.shole! You are such an a.s.shole!

Harris shoved him down into the s.p.a.ce between the wall and the bed.

-Just sit your a.s.s there and shut the h.e.l.l up, jacka.s.s. Fact is, you're lucky to have this guy lookin' out that you don't bite off more than you can chew. But you keep openin' your mouth to take a bite and I'm gonna smash all your teeth out. You hear me?

Jaime gave me a stare.

-Yeah, I hear you.

-Good.

Harris turned to me.

-So. Just remains a large detail to be settled.

He came over, close by.

-Like where's my can?

I shook my head.

-I don't have it.

Mr. Big Ten Four took off his hat and slapped his thigh.

-c.o.c.ksucker!

Harris pointed at something behind me.

-See what's over there?

I took a look and saw the room phone.

-Yeah. I see it.

-Want to tell me a little more?

I nodded.

-Yes, I do.

I took the envelope from the back of my jeans, unzipped it and pulled out the papers.

-It is signed sealed and delivered and waiting for someone to pick it up.

He took the papers from me, looked them over, spoke as he did so.

-A man of less faith than my own might suspect this was a setup.

He looked up from the papers.

-Any reason you didn't just bring the almonds right here?

-Other than we weren't able to get a truck and a driver? No.

-Could have hired a driver. They're all over the d.a.m.n place here.

I looked at Jaime.

-Thanks again, rocket scientist.

He balled his fists, but broke with tradition and kept his mouth shut.

I looked back at Harris.

-This is what happens when you depend on the weak-minded for professional counsel.

-Sure, but what say you go out to one of the bars around here, hire yourself some out of work and in-need long-hauler, and go fetch that can for me? Just drive out there and hitch up and bring it back.

I rubbed my forehead.

-Man, I, man, just, OK, look, look, I would not know where to begin with that s.h.i.+t. I mean, this?

I held my arms out.

-Guns? a.s.sholes like Jaime there? Guys like you two? Kidnappings? Things like what went down with Talbot in my kitchen? That's all well outside my experience. I'm not the kind of guy walks into a trucker bar and hires a driver to take a load of hot almonds off a dock.

-Seems you're improvising pretty well so far.

I clapped my hands three times.

-Well, thanks! I appreciate the vote of confidence. And I'm not saying I couldn't manage, I'm just saying that by the time I have that s.h.i.+t taken care of, that terminal could be locked down for the night. Yeah? Whereas, your boy here can zip over there right now and be in and out and we can all go the f.u.c.k home.

Harris gave it a little contemplation.

Mr. Big Ten Four on the other hand, who was turning out to be a bit sharper than the stereotype led me to expect, had more observations to offer.

-He's talking pretty G.o.dd.a.m.n fast, you ask me.

Harris dragged a thumbnail down one of those long creases in his cheek.

-Watch the Lord's name there.

-Sorry.

-But you are right, he's chattering a little fast. Little fast.

I wagged my head.

-Talking a little fast? Man, you are lucky you can put together a thing I'm saying. You're lucky I'm talking in a pitch audible to human ears. Man, you are lucky you can put together a thing I'm saying. You're lucky I'm talking in a pitch audible to human ears. Talking a little fast? Talking a little fast? I'm not just talking a little fast, I'm simultaneously p.i.s.sing and s.h.i.+tting my pants out of fear. I'm on the extreme edge of losing all cool and just falling apart. I have no f.u.c.king clue what I'm doing here and I am borderlining as we speak. I, man, I clean s.h.i.+t for a living! Before that, before a couple days ago, I slacked for a living. Before that, I was, man, I was, I was, I was a f.u.c.king elementary school teacher! I am out of my depth and beyond my ken! You think this is a setup? Man, this is nothing. This is me trying to dogpaddle. This is me trying to keep my head out of the water. I'm not just talking a little fast, I'm simultaneously p.i.s.sing and s.h.i.+tting my pants out of fear. I'm on the extreme edge of losing all cool and just falling apart. I have no f.u.c.king clue what I'm doing here and I am borderlining as we speak. I, man, I clean s.h.i.+t for a living! Before that, before a couple days ago, I slacked for a living. Before that, I was, man, I was, I was, I was a f.u.c.king elementary school teacher! I am out of my depth and beyond my ken! You think this is a setup? Man, this is nothing. This is me trying to dogpaddle. This is me trying to keep my head out of the water.

I dropped onto the bed, my arms hanging, my head down, I breathed.

-Man.

I looked up.

-This is me just trying to keep everyone alive. That's all I want here. I just want everyone, not just me and the girl, not just r.e.t.a.r.d there, but all of us alive and well and waving each other off into the sunset. That's all. That's my plan. That's what I'm in this for.

Harris looked me over, c.o.c.ked his head at Mr. Big Ten Four, scratched his earlobe with the big revolver that had never left his right hand since he cracked me with it, and gave an inclination to his head that might be considered a nod among the tersest of the world.

-OK, boy. OK.

He tucked the revolver into his belt.

-I think we have a deal on that part.

He pa.s.sed the papers over to Mr. Big Ten Four.

-All we need to settle now.

He hooked his thumbs into his belt loops.

-Is our bill for this room and our meals the last few days.

Jaime brought his head up.

-f.u.c.k that! Don't do it, a.s.shole, don't you give in on that s.h.i.+t! I'll f.u.c.king kill you, you give in on expenses!

I held up a hand.

-Chill, Jaime.

I looked at Harris.

-Let me see the girl.

He shook his head.

-Said payment's due.

-And I heard you. And I'm saying let me see the girl. It's time.

He pursed his lips, let a little air out through his nose, and wiggled a finger at the bathroom door.

Mr. Big Ten Four grunted and walked over and knocked on the door.

-Come on out.

There was a rustle from inside. I waited, doing my best to keep the few bites of Jim's Burgers burrito down where they belonged. My brain painting pictures of how bad she was gonna look.

And the door opened.

And Soledad came out.

And she looked just fine.

Tired as h.e.l.l. Tearstained. Wrinkled and wrung out and in need of several showers. But other than that, just fine.

-Hey Web.

I got off the bed and went over to her. I reached out a hand. I unb.u.t.toned the pocket of the Mobil s.h.i.+rt she'd put on after we slept together. And I pulled out the fold of hundreds L.L. had left for me between the pages of Anna Karenina. Anna Karenina.

I turned from her and walked to Harris and held out the money.

-This cover it?

He took the bills and counted them.

-And then some.

He hitched a shoulder at Mr. Big Ten Four.