Seriously I'm Kidding Part 7

We all need to be deeper thinkers. We need to think more about our actions and their consequences. There's a law of physics that says "For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction." Do you know what that means? Me neither. Actually, it might have been in my fortune cookie last night. My point is, we need to think about what we are doing on and to this planet. We only have one Earth and it's the most important planet in our entire solar system, besides Ura.n.u.s.

The more we consciously think about what we're doing and what we're consuming, the better off we're going to be. And I don't just mean what we eat. I mean what we buy and what we use. We consume so much. We buy the latest computers and phones and TVs and clothing, and that means everything that came before it ends up in landfills and oceans. I know that's not a particularly hilarious sentiment but it's something we need to think about as humans. And if you're an alien living on Earth, you should be thinking about it as well. Everyone should think about it-not just the people who get labeled "hippies" or "tree-huggers" because they care about our environment. I care and I'm not a hippy. I did hug a tree one time, but it was the seventies and I thought the tree was my friend Judy.

There's plenty we can do to help. First of all, if you're not recycling I don't even know what to do with you right now. I hate to have to scream at you through this book, but PLEASE RECYCLE!

Secondly, there's a very easy way to save water. Take group showers. It's fun. It's friendly. At first, my housekeepers were resistant to this idea, but luckily my landscaper talked them into it.

Another thing you can do is take reusable bags to the grocery store. Now I always thought a reusable bag that you bring into a store was called a purse, and from what I understand putting things in your purse while you're shopping is called shoplifting. So, shoplift.

Want to save electricity? Unplug your appliances when you're not using them. Every Sunday, I unplug my tanning beds and dim the lights in my discotheque. You might want to unplug your television for a few hours a day. Not while my show is on of course, but any other time. Well, not if it's Shark Week because that's fascinating programming, but any other time. Unless The Bachelor The Bachelor is on because people are going to be talking about it at work the next day. And if is on because people are going to be talking about it at work the next day. And if So You Think You Can Dance So You Think You Can Dance is on you gotta watch that. You know what, never mind. Don't unplug the TV. Get rid of your refrigerator or something. I don't know. You'll figure it out. is on you gotta watch that. You know what, never mind. Don't unplug the TV. Get rid of your refrigerator or something. I don't know. You'll figure it out.

We all know people who go through life without ever thinking about their actions. They're the people who don't use turn signals and choose not to replace the empty roll of toilet paper after they finish it. They're not malicious in their intentions (usually). They just aren't paying attention.

Let's try and pay more attention to what's around us. Look up. Look down-if only so you don't trip. Ask questions. You know how kids always ask "why?" Ask why. Then ask why again. And then ask why again. And then ask why again. And then ask why again. And then ask why again. And then ask why again. And then ask why again. Don't stop asking why until you get the answer you're looking for. Or until you're escorted away by security, whichever comes first.

Here's a question: If our Earth is turning at one thousand miles per hour, why can't I jump on a trampoline in Los Angeles and end up at a diner in Phoenix a few minutes later? Right? Think deeply about that for a while.

Chapter for the Audiobook Listeners

I know many of you are listening to an audio version of this book, so I'd like to say a special h.e.l.lo to all of you. Recording an audio book is a lot like doing the voice of an animated character in a movie. I'm in a recording booth and I have big headphones on and I'm talking into a big microphone. And since there are no cameras I don't have to wear any pants. know many of you are listening to an audio version of this book, so I'd like to say a special h.e.l.lo to all of you. Recording an audio book is a lot like doing the voice of an animated character in a movie. I'm in a recording booth and I have big headphones on and I'm talking into a big microphone. And since there are no cameras I don't have to wear any pants.

There is a sound engineer. Hi, Jerry! I'm waving to him right now. He's sweet. He's waving back. Hi! Now he's holding up a sign. "My name isn't Jerry. It's Mike."

Anyway, since you have the benefit of being able to hear this, I thought I would include some bonus material of me making strange noises.

For those of you who are reading this the old-fas.h.i.+oned way and can't hear me, I've printed the noises below and I encourage you to use your imagination to think of what they might sound like coming out of my mouth.

Meeeeee Faaaaa Coooooooooo Gooooooood morning Bowwwwwww Babowwwww Yellowwwww Kentucky!

Pop Pop pop pop Kerplunk Lemonade Sylvia Click Pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah Pew pew pew pew pew pew pew Shhhhhhhhh Harumph!

Honesty

They say honesty is the best policy. But is it?

It is. Actually, honesty is one of the qualities I find most attractive in a person. (Another one is nice ankles.) Honesty is so important and yet a lot of times it's hard to find in people. I'm not saying any of you are liars. I don't know you. I'm sure you're sweet and nice and have never "accidentally" dropped a jury summons down a garbage disposal. Maybe you've never uttered so much as a fib in your whole entire lives. But let's face it, you probably have. We all have. Well, I haven't. I'm always honest.

Okay, see? That was a lie. And I'm sorry.

We might not go around spewing huge, sweeping, outrageous lies, but in one way or another most of us lie every now and again. I actually read a statistic that on average people lie four times a day. I don't know exactly what four lies people are telling each day but I do know that people tend to lie about their age, their weight, their natural hair color, and how cute their friends' babies are. "What a cutie-pie. Look at those ears! You have to-can't miss 'em! So cute."

I also know that people lie on their resumes. People lie under oath. People lie to their doctors, which I've never quite understood. I know you might be embarra.s.sed about how you got that bite on that particular part of your body, but you have to be honest about it so a trained professional can help you.

I really try my best not to lie. That's true. I try to give my honest opinion on things. I try to tell it like it is. Give it to 'em straight. Lay it on the line. Be up-front. Keep it real. Not say false... stuff. I don't know any other sayings. I try not to lie.

Sometimes it's hard because I don't like to hurt people's feelings. So there have been times when a friend will get a haircut and I will see it and my initial reaction is "Oh my G.o.d, you look like a streetwalker who got caught in a wind tunnel." But I obviously can't say that because that would be an insult to streetwalkers. So I have to say, "I love it! It looks great!" But when I say it my voice goes up about three octaves. "It looks greee-aaattt!" So I'm certain they know I'm lying.

How come when we lie our voices go up so many octaves? It's a dead giveaway. It happens when we dole out compliments we don't mean and it happens when we say things like "You didn't have to get me anything!" or "What do you mean you weren't invited to my party? You're always invited!" Everyone knows what those mean. "You definitely had to get me something" and "You haven't been invited back to the house since the urn incident of '04." And it's a mathematical fact: the higher the octave, the bigger the lie. "I didn't even hear my phone ring!" is usually like a four on the scale. "You think I'm sleeping with someone else?!" is off the charts.

I can tell when people are lying to me when they start their sentence with "I have to be honest with you." They may as well say, "Listen, I'm about to lie straight to your face." Why do people need to clarify when they're being honest? Does that mean everything else they've ever said has been a lie? Yesterday they said they liked my sweater but they didn't say they were being honest. Does that mean they hated it?

It's so strange to me. It almost feels like they're giving me the option to not hear the truth. As if when they say, "I have to be honest with you," I might say, "No, no. Please. Only lies right now."

For the most part, we're honest people. Which is good because when you think about it everything around us is based on the honor system. Look at airport baggage claim. We all stand around a conveyor belt totally unsupervised and all those bags are there for anyone to take. I know because I was at the airport recently and I took four. I got some good stuff-three travel irons and a large man's nights.h.i.+rt.

There are a lot of places that rely on us to be honest. Banks put out candy and hope you only take one or two pieces. Restaurants put out toothpicks. Libraries have those giant statues of lions out front. They're practically begging us to get a crane and a flatbed truck to cart those things away.

Think of how honest we're expected to be when we go to the movies. We pay for one ticket but in theory we can sneak into as many theaters as we want once we're inside. We can even pay the child's price and sneak in our own popcorn and vegan appetizers. I'm guessing.

And as much as certain people and places rely on us to be honest, we rely on others to be honest with us. I mean, we hand our car keys over to a complete stranger at the valet just because he's wearing a vest. (By the way, now you now why I wear a lot of vests and have so many cars.) It's nice to think we can trust each other. It would be depressing to walk around every day thinking people are lying to us all the time. I prefer to believe people are good and honest and respect me enough to tell me the truth. It's not easy to find those people all the time, but they're out there. They're usually the people who don't hesitate to tell you when you look tired or that you have broccoli hanging from your lip. They might be blunt and sometimes they might hurt your feelings with their candor, but honestly? You'll appreciate it.

Don't Worry, Be Happy

If there is any message I want you to take from this book, it is that befriending a parrot can be both frustrating and infinitely rewarding. And if there is another message I want you to take from this book, it's that you can be happy. There is so much bad news in the world right now and sometimes it's hard to see the positive side of things, but it is possible and there are things you can do to be happy.

In the interest of full disclosure I want you to know that I'm not a spiritual adviser. Yes, it's true that if my mother didn't name me Ellen she was going to name me Deepak. But she didn't and that is not the path I followed. And I would never want to mislead you by telling you that I have all the answers, because I don't. I mean, I do know a lot. Like, A LOT a lot. I am very worldly. What's that? No, I'm not in Mensa or anything. But I could be. Obviously. I just don't have time for all the paperwork. Or those meetings. Those are probably a drag. So, in conclusion, the only reason I are not in Mensa is because I don't have time for the paperwork or the meetings. Moving on.

I spend a lot of time listening to spiritual advisers and I have read a lot of books on the power of positive thinking. And I agree with what they say-it makes a big difference in your life when you stay positive. I am positive of this. It helps to surround yourself with positive people. No one likes to be around Negative Nellies. Try and spend more time with Positive Peters and Happy Helens. And Beyonce. She's so pretty and fun.

Another thing you can do-and this is just off the top of my head-is watch my show every day. I try to make it an escape from the things in life that are not so great. I keep it happy and positive and upbeat. Plus, it's much cheaper than a prescription with none of the negative side effects.

It has been proven that when we're positive and happy, endorphins rush through our system. Now, I'm no scientist, but I know what endorphins are. They're tiny, little magical elves that swim through your bloodstream and tell funny jokes to each other. When they reach your brain, you hear what they're saying and that boosts your health and happiness. "Knock, knock... Who's there?... Little endorphin... Little endorphin who?... Little endorphin Annie." And then the endorphins laugh, and then you laugh. See? It's science.

Don't get me wrong. Everyone has good days and bad days. We're humans. We have emotions. In fact, I don't trust anyone who doesn't have emotions. Have you ever met someone who says they've never had a bad day in their whole entire life? Don't you want to poke them in the face? I don't understand people like that. We all wake up on the wrong side of the bed some days. Some days we even wake up on the wrong side of our neighbor's driveway because of a late night out and some confusion over strikingly similar front doors. My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The pina and the colada.

The thing everyone should realize is that the key to happiness is being happy by yourself and for yourself. If everything you have got stripped away-your home, your job, your family, your things, your favorite T-s.h.i.+rt with all the holes in it that you won't throw away even though it reveals a large part of your stomach region-if you lost all of those things and you had to live in a cave all alone with absolutely nothing, you should still be happy. Happiness comes from within. You have the power to change your own mind-set so that all the negative, horrible thoughts that try to invade your psyche are replaced with happy, positive, wonderful thoughts.

I myself have made a conscious choice to not allow negative thoughts to even enter my mind. Is it hard? You bet it is. Negative thoughts are powerful. For example, if I didn't make that commitment to myself to think positively all the time, I would probably start thinking about how scary it would be to live in a cave all alone with absolutely nothing. Because I mean, if I really think about the reality of that situation, it's terrifying-to be trapped in a cave with all those bats flying around everywhere. And the spiders! There are probably literally millions and millions of spiders in caves. I don't have anything against bats and spiders. Especially if they're happy living their lives all alone in caves. More power to them, I say. It's just that it's so dark in caves. I guess that goes without saying. They're caves. But once you really get inside, there's not even a hint or trace of light. Just little bat eyes darting around everywhere, waiting for you to turn your head so they can pounce on the back of your neck like a cheetah with bat wings.

I'm so scared of the dark. I usually leave the bathroom light on all night with the door slightly ajar (notice my Mensa-level vocabulary) just so there's a strip of light. I know it wastes electricity but one time I woke up in a pitch-black room and thought for sure I'd been kidnapped by cave dwellers who had taken me and my bed to their underground cave where they would train me to move like a dinosaur and only eat tree bark. Turns out I had an eye mask on, but that's neither here nor there. My point is, I like a little bit of light.

You know, there's probably a lot of moisture in caves, too, which would be bad for my hair. And all those sharp edges. I wouldn't want to move. I'd just sit in the cave all day long and think about how scared I was to be there. I'm probably not gonna sleep tonight thinking about how I could easily end up trapped in a cave one day, surrounded by bats, spiders, water droplets, sharp edges, and complete and total darkness.

What was I saying? Oh right-negative thoughts. Get rid of 'em! I did! You know what a wise person once said? "Why pay full price for a sweater when you can steal it for free?" You know what another wise person once said? "Happiness is a journey, not a destination." Amen, sister friend!

Let me break that down for you so it's easy to understand. Happiness is a journey. This means that happiness is like a long car ride. Let's say you're in a car and you're driving to Hawaii. Sure, it seems like Hawaii, your destination, is going to be the happiness part. But really, the car ride is the happiness part because of all the fun games you can play in a car and all the stops you can make at beautiful public toilet areas, not to mention how fun it would be to drive on top of the ocean. Be happy on your journey to Hawaii so that once you get there you can be miserable. Wait. I don't know if that's right.

However you choose to live your life, just try to enjoy it as much as you can. Fill yourself with joy. (Not the dishwas.h.i.+ng liquid.) And accept what life throws at you-the good, the bad, the ugly, the awkward, the fun, the boring, the sweet, the sour, the salty, the ripe, the unripe... I'm sorry, I have to be right back. I just got really hungry.

Magic

I love magic. I've had a lot of magicians and illusionists perform on my show and I am always in awe of what they can do. I actually learned a mind-reading trick and I thought I would try it out on you if you'd like. love magic. I've had a lot of magicians and illusionists perform on my show and I am always in awe of what they can do. I actually learned a mind-reading trick and I thought I would try it out on you if you'd like.

All you have to do is think of a number. Any number.

Are you thinking of it?

Okay, say it out loud.

Now turn the page.

That's what I was thinking of.

Ahhh! Isn't that freaky?!

Girl Power

The bra. Disposable diapers. Wite-Out. A medical syringe. Winds.h.i.+eld wipers. Chocolate chip cookies. Spanx.

What do all of these things have in common? They're all in my shopping cart right now. Shoot. I must have taken someone else's cart by accident. I hate when that happens.

Well, anyway. Do you know what else these things have in common? They were all invented by a woman. Not the same woman. They were each invented by different women over the course of the last hundred years or so. (That would be incredible if the same woman invented all of those things. What an eclectic and potentially unstable person that would be!) And those are just a few of the things that female ladies have invented. The list goes on and includes things that have become staples in our everyday lives, like the car heater, the dishwasher, the electric was.h.i.+ng machine, and perhaps one of the greatest inventions of our time, the trash can with a foot pedal. We take so many of these things for granted and yet without the women who invented them, we would be cold, filthy people with soiled dishes, disgusting cans, and unruly b.r.e.a.s.t.s.

I'm very proud to be a woman. I've been one my whole life. And I know that without the amazing and inspiring women who came before me, I wouldn't be where I am today. I grew up admiring strong, funny women like Lucille Ball and Carol Burnett. Barbara Walters, Diane Sawyer, and Oprah Winfrey paved the way for me to be doing exactly what I'm doing. Oprah paved the way with actual gold because she had some left over from when she paved her driveway.

And now that I have my own show on television I feel a sense of responsibility to follow in their footsteps and have a positive influence on the young girls and women who watch me every day. That's why I keep things light and upbeat and it's why I try to have powerful and influential women on my show to serve as examples for the people at home. I love having women like Mich.e.l.le Obama and Hillary Clinton on my show. I also love having regular, everyday women on my show with inspiring stories about their personal journeys. And one time I had a woman on who could bend over backward and put a hat on her head using only her feet. If that's not inspiring, I don't know what is.

My show is targeted to women. I know men watch, too, and I'm happy about that. I like to think men, women, children, and cats can enjoy my contagious wit in equal measure. But overall the audience for my show is mostly made up of women. I don't know exactly what the demographics are. It's a very confusing and complicated system that only people with high government clearance levels can fully understand. But I believe our key demographic is women 25 to 54 years old. Beyond that we try to target Armenians between the ages of 35 and 80, and women named Diane between the ages of 18 and 104.

I don't know if that's right. And don't even get me started on the ratings system. From what I understand, there's a gentleman in a bas.e.m.e.nt somewhere keeping track of who turns their televisions on between the hours of 8:00 a.m. and 6:00 p.m. and he writes it down on a piece of lint and then, based on his annual report and opinion, shows get canceled or picked up.

Anyway, I just want to able to use the platform I have in front of millions of people around the world every day for good things. I want young girls to know that they should dream big and that if they put their minds to it they can accomplish anything. When I go out and do my show every day I'm thinking two things: Can I inspire someone today? And will my guests have good breath?

I always think of that James Brown song "It's a Man's Man's Man's World" when I think about girl power. I also think of the Spice Girls, which makes me think about spices, which makes me think about food, which makes me hungry, which makes me need to eat a sandwich every time that song comes on the radio.

I like James Brown but that song is so wrong. It's not just a man's, man's, man's world. It's also a woman's, woman's, woman's world. He sings that "man made the cars to take us over the road." And that may be true, but what terrible driving visibility we would have on that road were it not for the woman who made the winds.h.i.+eld wipers.

If you're going to listen to that song then you should also listen to my personal anthem, "Sisters Are Doin' It for Themselves" as sung by one of the most brilliant songstresses of all time, Aretha Franklin. She sings about how sisters are not just stuck working in kitchens anymore. They're now doctors, lawyers, and politicians. At first, I did think she was singing about one very talented family of sisters all doing wonderful things with their lives. Now, of course, I realize she meant sisters, as in all women.

Women can do stuff, too! And to whoever is listening to me or watching me or reading me, that is what I want to say. The world can benefit from more smart ladies. I like smart people. I a.s.sume most people do. I've never heard anyone say, "Boy, do I love idiots," though I'm sure people have.

Maybe at some point we won't have to break success down along gender lines. Maybe we won't have to say a man did this or a woman invented that. Maybe we'll just be able to say this wonderful, smart, creative person did something extraordinary and that will be that. But until then, I'm proud to be part of the sisters who are doin' it for themselves.

Boredom

Do you ever just think, "I'm bored"? Maybe because we're always moving at such a fast pace or because there are only so many Lifetime movies about perfect couples who aren't actually perfect you can watch in one weekend, every once in a while when we're sitting still we find ourselves thinking, "I'm really bored right now." So here are some suggestions for things you can do when you get bored.