Seriously I'm Kidding Part 2

September 8, 2003Dear Journal,Big day today. My talk show premiered on TV! Wow. I think this is gonna be really fun. People seemed to like it and I'm really proud of it. I don't know what my schedule is going to be like over the next few months and years, but don't worry, I'm still gonna try and write in here every single day.

February 25, 2007Journal,I just finished hosting the Oscars. I am currently experiencing an indescribable feeling. It's joy mixed with relief mixed with the smell of Clint Eastwood's aftershave. I can't believe I just hosted the Academy Awards! I'm headed to the after party now. I'm sure it'll be a quiet, tame night. Just kidding. It's about to get crazy up in here. I have a feeling my three-piece suit will be down to one piece in about an hour, Journal, if you understand what I'm saying.

August 16, 2008Dear Journal,Today was the happiest day of my life. I got married. I am soooooooooooooooooooooo happy. You can tell how happy I am based on how many "O"s I used. I've never used that many "O"s. Portia and I got married and exchanged vows in front of a small group of our friends and family. It was a perfect day.

May 16, 2009Journal,Today I gave the commencement speech at Tulane University in my hometown of New Orleans. I had a great time and I think I gave those kids a lot of great advice. I can't believe they let me do that even though I didn't go to no college. I meant to, but I totally forgot. I think I made my mama very proud today by making one of her dreams for me come true. I finally wore a gown.

January 26, 2010Dear Journal,Today is my birthday. I had a great day today and I'm so excited for this year. I have so much to look forward to. American Idol American Idol is starting up soon. I can't wait. I think I'm gonna want to do it forever. is starting up soon. I can't wait. I think I'm gonna want to do it forever.

March 15, 2010Journal,I'm on a sugar cleanse. I haven't had any sugar in over three weeks. I think I'm experiencing withdrawal. Today I screamed at a plant. I don't know why I decided to do this. It's crazy. There's sugar in everything. Did you know that? Everything. Even cupcakes. All right, I have to go, Journal. You're being a jerk.

May 26, 2010J,Big news. I'm starting a record label. I love music and I love discovering new artists. I won't be any different though now that I'm going to be a mogul. I'll still be the same old Ellen. Oh, I gotta bounce. My pimpmobile is outside. Look at those rims! Holla!

July 27, 2010Journal,What an exciting day. Remember I told you about all that gold I mailed in for cash? Guess what! The money arrived today. I got $1.24!

August 16, 2010Dear Journal,Today Portia and I celebrated our two-year wedding anniversary. When I got home from work Portia [OMITTED].

September 8, 2010Journal,I made my Broadway debut tonight in the Big Apple! I starred in a show called Promises, Promises Promises, Promises alongside my supporting cast, Kristin Chenoweth and Sean Hayes. It was so much fun, but guess what, Journal? I think I caught the theater bug. Literally. There was a roach in my dressing room the size of my fist. New York City is filthy. alongside my supporting cast, Kristin Chenoweth and Sean Hayes. It was so much fun, but guess what, Journal? I think I caught the theater bug. Literally. There was a roach in my dressing room the size of my fist. New York City is filthy.

January 1, 2011Happy 2011, Journal! Had a great New Year's Eve. Set a new record and managed to stay up until 9:30. It was craaaaazy, Journal.

January 18, 2011Hey Journal,I watched The Biggest Loser The Biggest Loser tonight. That show is so good. I can't stop crying. I don't know how they do it. I'm crying so much I have mascara running down my face. And I'm not even wearing mascara. This show is powerful. tonight. That show is so good. I can't stop crying. I don't know how they do it. I'm crying so much I have mascara running down my face. And I'm not even wearing mascara. This show is powerful.

May 25, 2011Dear Journal,Today was the very last episode ever of The Oprah Winfrey Show The Oprah Winfrey Show. Wow. I can't believe it. I don't know how her show got canceled. So many people loved it. But you know what this means? Now that Larry King retired, Oprah's moving on, and Regis quit, all of television will be mine! Hahahahaha!

June 24, 2011Journal,I'm about to turn my new book in to the publisher. Writing a book is hard. I thought it was mostly going to be journal entries like this, but it turns out they need more to fill a book. I wish it could be all journal entries. Anyway, I'm gonna send the book in and then probably head to the movies. You know what comes out today, Journal? Cars Cars 2. Isn't that great? A sequel to a hit animated movie. I'm so, so, so happy for them. 2. Isn't that great? A sequel to a hit animated movie. I'm so, so, so happy for them.

Important Words

Now this is a very difficult chapter for me to write. This chapter, chapter ten, is my favorite chapter in one of my favorite books so I feel an enormous amount of pressure to make it spectacular. There are other books I've read where chapter ten was not that great at all. But I prefer not to tell you to which book I'm referring. Maybe the author of that book failed to read the chapter in the book I aforementioned.

I don't know if "aforementioned" is a word or if it's correctly used here. But whenever I feel stress or pressure of any kind I try to use big, important words. It makes me feel better and more powerful. Like, if I get pulled over for speeding I usually say something like, "Mr. (or Mrs. or Ms. depending on the situation, of course) Gentleman Enforcer of the Legal Government Principles, I am en route to my appendectomy." And then they usually say something like, "License and registration." And then I say, "Cacophony!" And then they usually write me a ticket.

I don't know why bigger words seem like they're more important. Really all words are important, even small words like "the" or "it" or "a" or "or," for that matter. You can't form a sentence without those words. Let me try to make a sentence without using any of those words just to make a point.

See? I can't.

Well, I guess technically "I can't" is a sentence that doesn't use "the" or "it" or "a" or "or" but you understand what I'm trying to say. All those small words are just as important as big words. I say it all the time about words and only words-it's not the size that counts. It's the way you use them in sentences, paragraphs, and slam poetry.

Some authors try to be all show-offy with fancy sentences. And I could do that if I really wanted to. It's not like I don't know all those rarely used big, fancy, ostentaneous words, too. Of course I do. And if that's what it takes for a book to win a Pulitzer or some grand literary prize I guess I could throw a sentence or two in. Why not? I'll do it right now.

One day my domesticated feline Charlie was unequivocally euphoric. I deducted this based on my astute observation of her level of loquaciousness while she hurriedly pursued her high-pitched squeakable toy rodent of the species Mouseous Mouseous.

See? Easy. Here is another example: Women are supposed to be very calm generally, but women feel just as men feel. They need exercise for their faculties, and a field for their efforts, as much as their brothers do; they suffer from too rigid a restraint, too absolute a stagnation, precisely as men would suffer; and it is narrow-minded in their more privileged fellow-creatures to say that they ought to confine themselves to making pudding and knitting stockings, to playing on the piano and embroidering bags. It is thoughtless to condemn them, or laugh at them, if they seek to do more or learn more than custom has p.r.o.nounced necessary for their s.e.x.

Okay, that was from Jane Eyre Jane Eyre. I can't keep this charade up for a whole chapter. That Jane Eyre Jane Eyre is really good, though, isn't it? is really good, though, isn't it?

Family

We are family. I got all my sisters with me.We are family. Get up everybody and sing.-Sister Sledge

A few years ago I received a letter from a genealogist at the New England Historic Genealogical Society. At first I thought it was a letter from my lady doctor, but then someone told me "genealogy" means "family." few years ago I received a letter from a genealogist at the New England Historic Genealogical Society. At first I thought it was a letter from my lady doctor, but then someone told me "genealogy" means "family."

They wanted to know if I was interested in learning about my lineage. Up until that point in my life, I hadn't thought much about my family history. All I knew for sure was that I was born in Metairie, Louisiana, and I came out of my mama's belly b.u.t.ton.

But as soon as I received the letter I started thinking about my past and my ancestors. Who am I? Where am I from? Why do I love hummus so much? So I asked the genealogists to do some research for me and they found out some very interesting facts.

They told me I am related to a whole bunch of celebrities, and not just in a Kevin Bacon sort of way. I mean actually related to. First of all, I found out I'm married to Portia de Rossi, which is amazing. She is beautiful and one of the nicest people I've ever met.

I also found out that I am tenth cousins once removed from Academy Awardwinning actress Halle Berry. That's a pretty obvious one. Look at us. We're like twins. People are probably always pa.s.sing her on the street, yelling, "Ellen, dance!"

I am also a distant cousin of Richard Gere, so now there are two reasons we can't date. I am eighth cousins nine times removed from George Was.h.i.+ngton, which explains why I cannot tell a lie and I love to wear powdered wigs. And, most important of all, I'm royalty. I am fifteenth cousins with the future queen of England, Kate Middleton, which makes it a lot less weird that I have everyone who works for me call me Your Royal Highness.

Actually, I found out that my ancestors date all the way back to fifteenth-century England. That's like when Big Ben was just a tiny little baby Ben. I have relatives with names like Jean Laurent de Generes and Jean Baptiste de Generes, which are really fun to say. And I'm a descendant of William Brewster, who came over on the Mayflower Mayflower. I a.s.sume that's why I'm so attracted to a shoe with a buckle.

It's exciting to find out what our roots are. Knowing where we come from explains so much about who we are. Plus, it gives us so many more people to borrow money from.

What's interesting when you really think about where we all come from and how different our pasts might be is that if you were to peer into the window of any house on any street during a big family holiday celebration, you would most likely see many of the same scenes. You would also risk getting arrested for trespa.s.sing, but still you would see that all of our families are very much the same. No matter where we're from or to whom we're related or how our pasts have impacted our current lives, every family gathering tends to go the same way.

First, you hope that your favorite aunt invites you to her house for the holidays because she has the finished bas.e.m.e.nt with the nice pool table. She's not going to. Instead, everyone is going to your uncle's who has four pit bulls and an indoor skate ramp made out of recycled beer bottles.

As soon as you get there you get stuck talking to your brother-in-law's brother. You have nothing to talk about so you start with "Wow, I haven't seen you since you were on Cops Cops." Immediately your mom grabs you and says, "You weren't supposed to mention Cops Cops! Why did you mention Cops Cops?!"

Then you apologize for mentioning Cops Cops. Somehow in the apology, you make a joke like, "Well at least you weren't on To Catch a Predator To Catch a Predator, right?" Another apology is made.

Then cousin Pam shows up with her famous corn ca.s.serole that is famous for all the wrong reasons. You know the first thing she's going to want to do is play the guitar and sing about peace, so you decide to go outside for some fresh air even though it's four degrees and snowing and you forgot to pack a coat. Two seconds later, nine kids follow you outside to pelt you with s...o...b..a.l.l.s and when you don't throw any back at them they start to call you names and make you feel bad that your skin turns so red in the cold. It's not your fault, you've always had sensitive skin and there's nothing wrong with being sensitive.

You tell the kids that but it doesn't go well at all so you head back inside and ask if you can do anything to help because you're polite, and also because your mom is giving you the "You better ask if you can help, I didn't raise you to just stand there and do nothing" look. You hope the answer will be no, but your aunt says, "Sure! I haven't made the sweet potato pie yet. You can do that!"

Then you panic because you've never known the difference between a sweet potato and a yam and both are on the counter, and if you start making a yam pie you'll never hear the end of it.

So you start making a yam pie. Luckily, people are distracted by a dozen grown men screaming in the living room because little Timmy unplugged the TV just as a football team was scoring a touchdown.

Timmy starts to cry. The dogs start to bark. Everyone finally sits down to eat. The wine will start flowing and so will the secrets. Guess what? Mom's pregnant. Guess what else? So is Dad. He can do that now.

You scarf down your meal and head home wondering if everyone's family is that crazy. The answer is a resounding yes.

But we should be grateful for them because without our family-the ancestors we descend from, the cousins we see once a year, the loves of our lives we see every day-life is pretty boring. You don't have to believe me, but you should. I'm royalty.

What Would Jesus Do?

I don't know if you've read a magazine lately or gone online or watched TV or visited a mall-I don't know what you do in your spare time and frankly it isn't any of my business. But if you have done any of those things, you've probably been asked to partic.i.p.ate in an opinion poll. Opinion polls have become incredibly popular. People love them. I know because I read that in an opinion poll. don't know if you've read a magazine lately or gone online or watched TV or visited a mall-I don't know what you do in your spare time and frankly it isn't any of my business. But if you have done any of those things, you've probably been asked to partic.i.p.ate in an opinion poll. Opinion polls have become incredibly popular. People love them. I know because I read that in an opinion poll.

Lately it seems that every magazine has a poll, every tabloid has a poll, every Internet site, every bedroom in my house. That's a different kind of pole, but I'm just sharing with you. And I have to say-I'm not sure that all these polls are totally necessary. A lot of them ask the same questions. Which couple is cuter? Do you like her dress? Do you like his s.h.i.+rt? Who wore it better? Are they too skinny, too fat, too pretty, too ugly, too tall, too short, too hairy, not hairy enough?

Many of them ask questions that not only seem unnecessary but, to use a technical term, are also bonkers. I won't say the name of the magazine (it sounds like "Pin Style") I stole from my dentist's office but there was a poll in it that asked readers, "How far will you take the season's hot shade of green?" Thirty-nine percent of people said "All the way," 37 percent said "Halfway," and 24 percent said "Just a hint."

Now, here's my first question: What?! How far will you take the season's hot shade of green? What does that mean? What does it mean to take green "all the way"? Like, to the prom? Are you going to settle down and have children with the color green? And look how close it is between "All the way" and "Halfway." There's only a 2 percent difference. I'm surprised we didn't hear about that on the evening news.

I read another poll in a different magazine that I cannot and will not name even if you beg me to. (It sounds a lot like "Clamor.") It asked readers, "Hot pink dress-is it a do or a don't?" Now here's my question about this poll: Who cares? If you want to wear a pink dress, wear a pink dress. It doesn't matter what other people think. One hundred percent of the people polled could say a pink dress is a "do" and guess what? I still ain't wearing one.

I've been in these magazines and it's always an awkward thing to open one up and see yourself compared to a bunch of random people. It's like, "Who wore it better? Ellen or Heidi Klum?" And obviously when you put the two of us side by side, it's just not fair to Heidi.

They go after everyone in those polls. I actually think if Jesus were alive today, there would be polls about him in Us Weekly Us Weekly. "Who wore this flowy gown better? Jesus or J. Lo?" "Jesus's sandals-hot to trot or heavens no?" "Do you think Jesus should cut his hair?" Fifty-four percent of readers say yes, Jesus should cut his hair. And of course that would be followed by "Should Jesus cut his hair into a mullet or buzz cut?"

All these polls do is make everyone so judgmental. And I don't believe in judgment. Unless it's judgment of judgment. I don't think someone has to "wear something better" or have a better hairstyle. That's why the word "different" exists in our language. (I don't know why the word "mustache" exists, though. Can't we just call it lip hair?) We all spend so much time comparing ourselves to each other. Everyone is running around trying to keep up with the Joneses. Who are the Joneses anyway? Why are we trying to keep up with them? I'm sure they're not perfect. We don't need to keep up with them. It's hard enough to keep up with the Kardas.h.i.+ans.

And people compare everything. It's not just clothing. It's who has a bigger house, who drives a faster car, who has a better job. People compare their bodies to other people, and not only that, they compare what's on their bodies. Have you ever gotten a bruise or a scratch or a paper cut and shown someone else what happened? People immediately start stripping off their clothing to compare injuries.

I once went into work and showed some producers a little bruise I got. The next thing I knew it was like Girls Gone Wild Girls Gone Wild in my office. People were lifting up their s.h.i.+rts, rolling up their pants. Socks were coming off. "You think that's bad-I walked into a tree yesterday!" "I banged my hip on a car door!" "I sat on a fork!" Don't need to see it. in my office. People were lifting up their s.h.i.+rts, rolling up their pants. Socks were coming off. "You think that's bad-I walked into a tree yesterday!" "I banged my hip on a car door!" "I sat on a fork!" Don't need to see it.

People were showing me scars and beauty marks that were not at all beautiful. I'm gonna tell you all right now-even if your beauty mark is in the shape of a prize ribbon, I don't need to see it. (Same goes for stretch marks, ladies. When you say "Look what my kids did to me," I expect to see gum in your hair, not your whole midsection. And no, I will not rub cocoa b.u.t.ter on it.) Anyway, all I'm saying is I don't see the sense in comparing ourselves to other people all the time. It's not about being better than anyone else or having nicer things or bigger fork marks on your behind.

I personally like being unique. I like being my own person with my own style and my own opinions and my own toothbrush. I think it's so much better to stand out in some way and to set yourself apart from the ma.s.ses. It would be so boring to look out into the world and see hundreds of people who look and think exactly like me. If I wanted that, I could just sit in front of a mirror and admire my own reflection all day. That's already how I spend my mornings. I don't need to spend all of my time doing that.

And who's to say what's better or worse anyway? Who's to even say what's normal or average? We're all different people and we're allowed to be different from one another. If someone ever says you're weird, say thank you. And then curtsy. No, don't curtsy. That might be too weird. Bow. And tip your imaginary hat. That'll show them.

Haiku

Haiku sounds like I'mSaying hi to someone namedKu. Hi, Ku. h.e.l.lo.

Stretching

There's one thing that should be essential to everyone's daily routine. I'm sorry, two things: watching my talk show and stretching. Feel free to stretch while you watch my talk show, if you think it's possible to take your eyes off me for even a second.

Stretching can apply to so many different areas of our lives. Not only should we literally stretch our bodies so that things are less likely to snap off, we should also stretch our minds. I think it's so important to keep our minds active and to constantly be learning new things. We shouldn't just stop at high school. I mean, technically I did. But you understand what I'm saying.

There are a lot of different ways to keep our minds active. A lot of people do crossword puzzles. Those are great for stimulating your brain. And other people love doing those really complicated and confusing puzzles where you have to place all the numbers and they have to add up. What's that called? Oh yeah, math.

I like to stretch my mind by reading and writing and watching educational TV shows like The Bachelor The Bachelor to learn the complex mating rituals of heteros.e.xuals. to learn the complex mating rituals of heteros.e.xuals.

Portia recently decided to learn something new. She taught herself how to cook. She didn't take any lessons or cla.s.ses or anything. She just figured it out on her own. And I know what you're thinking-uh-oh. But she's really good at it. Cooking isn't an easy skill to learn. It can be very dangerous. There's fire, there's steam, there are sharp, sharp knives. Portia is down to three fingers but she never gave up and that's why I love her.

I think it's great that she started to cook. Mostly because I can't. And it's nice to have one person in the relations.h.i.+p who cooks because that way we can share responsibilities in the kitchen, like a lot of couples do. Portia cooks and I clean. Just kidding. I don't clean. That's gross.

But I do think it's great that she was so excited to learn something new. I recommend it to everybody. Learn a new instrument. Learn to paint. Learn puppetry. Or you can just learn new facts. I can teach you a few things right now that you might not know. First of all, did you know that a snail can sleep for three years? That's why they move so slowly when they're awake. They're groggy. Did you know that racc.o.o.ns have such nimble fingers they can not only open garbage can lids and turn doork.n.o.bs, they can untie shoelaces? Now you know why they're so good at putting on eyeliner.

Doesn't it feel nice to stretch your mind a little bit? Now that you've done that, it's time to move on to your body. Yoga is a great way to stretch your body. I try to do it every morning because it's a great way to start the day. It gives me a lot of energy and now that I've been doing it for a while I'm pretty good at it. My downward dog is so excellent, I can't show it on daytime television.

There are all different kinds of yoga. There's power yoga. There's Bikram yoga, which makes you sweat a lot because it's done in very hot rooms. You can always tell who does Bikram yoga because they're stinky. But all yoga is based on Hatha yoga, which is what I do, and Hatha yoga is based on watching animals stretch in nature. I know what you're thinking. "Ellen, I've seen my dog stretch out in certain ways to clean himself and I don't want to do that." That's not the part yoga focuses on.

The word "yoga" literally means "uniting," because when you're doing it you're uniting your mind and your body. You can tell this almost immediately because your mind will be thinking, "Ouch, that hurts," and your body will say, "I know." And your mind will think, "You have to get out of this position." And your body will say, "I agree with you, but I can't right now. I think I'm stuck."

Another thing that is great for stretching out your mind and body is meditation. It helps improve your memory and it increases blood flow. It forces you to calm down and relax. There are a lot of different ways to meditate. You can do it by yourself, or you can do it with other people. I'm still talking about meditation. You can do it anywhere. All you have to do is close your eyes. So you probably shouldn't do it while you're driving or operating heavy machinery, but otherwise you're good to go.

Meditation requires a lot of focus and sometimes it is easy to get distracted. I've tried taking cla.s.ses because I think it's easier to meditate with other people. Being surrounded by good energy helps me focus and find positivity and happiness. But even then, I always want to open my eyes. Especially because there's incense burning and I always think the room is on fire. So instead of focusing on my inner joy, I focus on trying to remember where the closest exits are. At some point, I do tend to open my eyes for a second just to see if the room's on fire. Of course it isn't but when my eyes are open I see two other people with their eyes open and I wonder how long they've had them open. Then I notice the giant gong and I think, "I wonder what happened to The Gong Show The Gong Show." Chuck Barris hosted that show. What about that other Chuck? Not Chuck Barry. Chuck Woolery. He hosted the Love Connection Love Connection. He did "two and two." I wonder who came up with that. Did he? Was it a producer? Did he not know there was a number called "four"? That makes me start thinking about the number four. It's interesting that "four" is spelled f-o-u-r but "forty" is spelled f-o-r-t-y. Then of course I immediately think about building a couch fort. Maybe I should build a couch fort on the set of my show and have my guests talk to me inside the fort. That would be fun and entertaining and we should probably do it in our pajamas.

Once I realize that my mind has started to wander I stop and try to do what I'm supposed to do when that happens-focus on the third eye. Guess what? That makes me think about how great it would be to have a third eye. Would I want it on my forehead or on the back of my head? Maybe on the top of my head. No, 'cause of rain. What if my lips were eyes? Then I'd get a lot more crumbs in my eyes, but I'd be able to get a really good look at what I'm eating. Just as I'm designing a pair of sungla.s.ses in my head for my lip-eyes, the teacher hits the gong and I jump. I almost yell, "Oh my G.o.d!" but because I'm smart I yell, "Ohmmmmm!" I'm the only one chanting, but the cla.s.s just thinks I'm really into meditation. The ohm actually calms me down so I leave feeling great. I'm peaceful, relaxed, and in a great mood. And now you see why it's so great to meditate.

Not to mention how much I think my memory has improved. It used to be terrible. I was never very good at remembering people-even people I had met before and even people who had been a guest on my show. I could spend an entire night at a fancy Hollywood party talking to someone and when Portia would ask, "Who did you talk to?" I would have to shrug and say, "It was either Marcia Cross or Zac Efron."

Now my memory is much, much better. I'll tell you more about that in a second. My phone's ringing. I'll be right back.