The Alternative Hero Part 6

"Don't be," I laugh. "He's got a garden now. Cat flap and everything."

"Aw, good," she beams, glad it was a happy, cuddly ending for the feline in the relations.h.i.+p. "So what can we do for you today?"

"Well ... a couple of years ago I remember you telling us it sometimes got pretty swamped in here, and you asked for people to help out?"

"Oh, yes. Still do actually. Not that we're inundated with volunteers ..."

"Well, I just thought ... I'm free on Monday, and I wondered whether you could use any ... you know ..."

Suddenly her voice takes on a tone of desperation.

"Monday?"

"Yes ... I know you're probably not terribly busy on Mondays, but-"

"We are overwhelmed overwhelmed this Monday! There's a full day of appointments, dozens of pets to be fetched from the surgery and I've got to go to pick my mother up from hospital." this Monday! There's a full day of appointments, dozens of pets to be fetched from the surgery and I've got to go to pick my mother up from hospital."

"Ah. Where's she in hospital?"

"Bournemouth."

"Right-so, er, Monday would be good, then?"

"Yes!" She stands up, reaches out and clasps my hand. "Oh, my goodness, we're in such a spot! You couldn't have come at a better time!"

I'm not making this up, honest. In fact, her reaction is so embarra.s.singly over the top that I start backtracking.

"But, surely ... you need to be a current current customer to volunteer?" customer to volunteer?"

"Oh, no! Don't worry about a little thing like that," she chatters, brus.h.i.+ng the very thought aside. "Hang on, let me go and tell the vet; she'll be thrilled!"

She scampers off to the little consulting room. s.h.i.+t. Of course, I'm a.s.suming Webster actually needs to come and pick up his b.l.o.o.d.y cat on Monday. He'd d.a.m.n well better do, as I seem to have inadvertently got myself a hard day's voluntary toil. I'll have to pull a sicky as well-from my real job. I must be insane.

The same female Australasian vet who occasionally jabbed a needle into my ex-cat emerges from the consulting room, her face lighting up with recognition.

"Ah, yes! Mr. Beresford!"

I hold up my hand in reluctant acknowledgement. "That's me."

"So good of you. What time can you start?"

"Er ... well, whenever, really."

"Do you drive?"

"Do I drive?"

"The animals need to be picked up from the weekend surgery at nine."

"Ah. Yes. Where's the weekend surgery?"

"Stevenage. The van will be in Stanmore, though, where the weekend driver lives. Is it possible for you to collect it tomorrow evening? So good of you!"

"Er, well, yeah, I guess so ..."

"Jackie will give you the address, if you could bring the animals back here. They need to be fed, and then the other vet arrives around eleven. After that it's just managing the till and waiting room until we close."

"Ah."

"Whatever you can manage, really. The whole day would be great."

My dad has an expression that always used to irritate me as a child: "How do I get into these things?" But in recent years I've come to recognise its accuracy and its myriad uses. h.e.l.l's bells. All this had b.l.o.o.d.y better be worth it.

Jackie, the blondy-grey-haired lady who suddenly has a name, gives me the address of the van place ("It's just a little walk from Stanmore tube-about twenty minutes or so"), then the weekend surgery place ("It's not really Stevenage-it's out the other side of the town, village called Walkern, round the back of the trading estate near a water mill-you can't miss it") and briefly apprises me of the nature of my cargo ("Not too many this weekend: five cats, a guinea pig and a ferret-only three dogs, but then one of them is Nigel the boxer, and he can get a little frisky"). Just on my way out, my head spinning with the intricacies of a world hitherto as remote to me as that of tap dancing, I stop and ask what is almost certainly a rather peculiar question.

"You haven't, um ... the vet, she ... erm ... has she had to put any animals down today?"

Jackie frowns.

"Yes. She has, I'm afraid. Why?"

"Oh, no reason," I smile unconvincingly, and stumble out.

I hurry home, trying my d.a.m.nedest to recall how long Webster was in there. Fifteen, twenty minutes? Maximum. Is that long enough?

Polly is sitting at the kitchen table when I stumble through the door, her black mop of hair all over the place, still wearing her mangy dressing gown and those rank, oversized animal slippers from way back, splattered with a few years' worth of toothpaste drips. She's smoking, sipping red wine, calmly dipping cream crackers into a tub of margarine while reading the Sat.u.r.day Telegraph Telegraph. It's a fairly typical scene.

"How long d'you reckon it takes to put a pet down?" I ask, without preamble.

"Put a pet down?"

"Yes. You know. Kill it. Put it to sleep. Out of its misery, via lethal injection."

"How long?"

"Yes!" I repeat irritably, extracting a can of beer from the fridge and cracking it open.

"Why do you want to know?"

"What does that matter? D'you reckon ten minutes, fifteen?"

Polly sits back and thinks.

"We had an Alsatian that once suddenly became demented while Dad was on the toilet," she begins. "It wouldn't let him out of the bathroom. Each time he tried to escape it would hurl itself at the door and attack whatever part of him was protruding. Almost bit one of his fingers off. He had to stay there until Mum came home a few hours later. Then it tried to attack her. Eventually she managed to whack it over the head with a paving stone."

"Did she kill it?"

"No, just stunned it. They called the vet but the vet was busy, so they got the farmer from over the way to come with his shotgun. The dog woke up before the farmer got there, so Mum tried to hit it again. Problem was she missed and hit Dad's foot. Broke his ankle."

"So what happened in the end?"

"It chased Mum into the garden, so she jumped in the swimming pool. It was normally the only place the dog wouldn't go. But the f.u.c.king dog just leaped in and swam after her. Finally the farmer appeared and shot the dog."

"Dead?"

"Yeah." Polly sighs and takes a large swig of wine. "Loads of blood, though. We had to drain the pool."

Polly's examples are always as entertaining as they are thoroughly useless.

"So, you've no idea, then."

"About what?"

"Oh, never mind."

I take the beer to my bedroom, stick on a CD (The Sundays' Reading, Writing and Arithmetic Reading, Writing and Arithmetic-always good for a rainy evening when you've just come back from the vet), pull off my soaking jeans, then collapse onto the bed. So. Day one of my fantastically well-thought-out campaign, and what have I achieved? Well, aside from a lot of waiting, scaring a granny, confusing a traffic warden, prancing about in the rain and offering my voluntary services for the day-not an awful lot. But unless he really was taking his cat to unwittingly meet its maker (which I've decided probably wasn't the case-I mean, fifteen minutes would be pretty tight for a spot of pet euthanasia, even in today's money; plus he looked wet but hardly heartbroken on the way back to his car), the odds are that I'm actually going to have some sort of exchange with the man on Monday.

And how do we feel about that?

I jump up and turf Harriet Wheeler's pretty meanderings off the CD player, sift through the jewel cases that litter my so-called desk, and locate a particularly bashed-up one with that familiar cover: a schoolboy, in dirty blazer, shorts and cap, standing on a hill and holding a helium balloon, on which the legend "Lovely Youth" "Lovely Youth" is scrawled. is scrawled.

Of course, this isn't the first copy of the Thieving Magpies' flawless second alb.u.m I've owned. I think I've owned three in total: the first, a ca.s.sette, as a lot of my alb.u.ms were back then, long since lost. Then I bought it on vinyl in about 1993, partly so my DJ friend Archie Landless could play tracks from it at the indie disco over which he presided at our university. The b.a.s.t.a.r.d ran off with it in the end, along with several other gems: my vinyl copies of Complete Madness Complete Madness, The Wonder Stuff's Never Loved Elvis Never Loved Elvis, The Police's Regatta de Blanc Regatta de Blanc, Jellyfish's Spilt Milk Spilt Milk (an absolute (an absolute cla.s.sic cla.s.sic-which also holds my personal accolade of having the best Side One ever), my limited-edition picture disc of Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit" (G.o.d d.a.m.n it! d.a.m.n it! Why did I lend him that?) and finally-this one hurts-my never-to-be-found-again copy of the very first Why did I lend him that?) and finally-this one hurts-my never-to-be-found-again copy of the very first Now That's What I Call Music Now That's What I Call Music compilation alb.u.m (original pig cartoon, "Victims" by Culture Club, "Safety Dance" by Men Without Hats, compilation alb.u.m (original pig cartoon, "Victims" by Culture Club, "Safety Dance" by Men Without Hats, two two Kajagoogoo songs and Phil Collins wearing a flat cap on the front). But losing Kajagoogoo songs and Phil Collins wearing a flat cap on the front). But losing Lovely Youth Lovely Youth is the real killer. I had to make do with a taped copy of Alan's pristine vinyl version until 1996, when just about every bargain bin in the country contained a few Thieving Magpies alb.u.ms. After meticulously comparing prices I eventually purchased my current copy for three quid, but it's simply not as good on CD. Aside from the usual b.o.l.l.o.c.ks about the warmth of the vinyl sound, the booklet, inexplicably, doesn't contain half the photos the inner record sleeve or ca.s.sette inlay did, and Lance's individual song notes have been cruelly omitted. This feature of the Magpies' records became as much a part of the acquiring experience as hearing the music itself, and gave the listener a pretty good insight into what went on in the singer's head. Whenever I glance at Alan's copy of is the real killer. I had to make do with a taped copy of Alan's pristine vinyl version until 1996, when just about every bargain bin in the country contained a few Thieving Magpies alb.u.ms. After meticulously comparing prices I eventually purchased my current copy for three quid, but it's simply not as good on CD. Aside from the usual b.o.l.l.o.c.ks about the warmth of the vinyl sound, the booklet, inexplicably, doesn't contain half the photos the inner record sleeve or ca.s.sette inlay did, and Lance's individual song notes have been cruelly omitted. This feature of the Magpies' records became as much a part of the acquiring experience as hearing the music itself, and gave the listener a pretty good insight into what went on in the singer's head. Whenever I glance at Alan's copy of Lovely Youth Lovely Youth I go straight to the pa.s.sage that accompanies "Pit Pony": "Someone once asked me what I thought of the fas.h.i.+on industry. This is my response-although I still think this is too polite." And I love the annotation for I go straight to the pa.s.sage that accompanies "Pit Pony": "Someone once asked me what I thought of the fas.h.i.+on industry. This is my response-although I still think this is too polite." And I love the annotation for Shoot the Fish's Shoot the Fish's "Have You Stopped Talking Yet?": "Written in the loo during an argument's cooling-off period. The answer is no, by the way." While this tradition was clearly deemed too silly for the mainstream-busting earnestness of "Have You Stopped Talking Yet?": "Written in the loo during an argument's cooling-off period. The answer is no, by the way." While this tradition was clearly deemed too silly for the mainstream-busting earnestness of Bruise Unit Bruise Unit, it was reinstated for the final alb.u.m, The Social Trap The Social Trap, which bristled with such back-on-form attacks as: "This one's dedicated to a clutch of ex-friends for whom cocaine has replaced personality. I'd rather gouge my eyes out with this pen than be at a party with you again. Good night and f.u.c.k off" ("A Good Time Was Had by None") and "Ooh, look at me, I'm so dark and damaged" ("Keep It Out of My Face").

Anyway, I digress. Although Bruise Unit Bruise Unit unarguably marked the point at which the diverse compound of the band boiled down nicely, enabling them to make a unified, uncomplicated but accomplished alb.u.m that would prove their career zenith, it's unarguably marked the point at which the diverse compound of the band boiled down nicely, enabling them to make a unified, uncomplicated but accomplished alb.u.m that would prove their career zenith, it's Lovely Youth Lovely Youth that I need to hear right now. If all successful bands experience Neil Tennant's much-referenced "imperial phase," where everything they touch turns to platinum, this must be reached via a "territorial phase," during which the group's best work is normally produced and they are in possession of a factor that can be (sadly) best described as "cool": referenced by all the right journalists, played by all the right DJs, name-checked by all the right colleagues, remixed by all the right producers. This period's length varies enormously from act to act: usually it lasts for just one alb.u.m, often their debut (Oasis, The Killers, The Strokes, The Stone Roses), sometimes their second or third effort (Blur, Manic Street Preachers); occasionally a band manages to stretch it slightly longer (Radiohead, The White Stripes). In a few isolated cases this era actually never finishes (The Smiths), or is sometimes so fleeting in length it's as though it hasn't actually occurred at all (Coldplay, Snow Patrol). For the Thieving Magpies, that I need to hear right now. If all successful bands experience Neil Tennant's much-referenced "imperial phase," where everything they touch turns to platinum, this must be reached via a "territorial phase," during which the group's best work is normally produced and they are in possession of a factor that can be (sadly) best described as "cool": referenced by all the right journalists, played by all the right DJs, name-checked by all the right colleagues, remixed by all the right producers. This period's length varies enormously from act to act: usually it lasts for just one alb.u.m, often their debut (Oasis, The Killers, The Strokes, The Stone Roses), sometimes their second or third effort (Blur, Manic Street Preachers); occasionally a band manages to stretch it slightly longer (Radiohead, The White Stripes). In a few isolated cases this era actually never finishes (The Smiths), or is sometimes so fleeting in length it's as though it hasn't actually occurred at all (Coldplay, Snow Patrol). For the Thieving Magpies, Lovely Youth Lovely Youth encapsulates this period. As snotty as their debut, containing some of their loudest, punkiest efforts ("Tube Screamer," "Everyone Behaves Like a c.u.n.t So Why Can't I"), it also finds them stretching their sonic palette, experimenting with samples and sequencers ("War on the Floor," "Camp David"), and is home to one of the most robust pop compositions of their career ("Look Who's Laughing"). But more important, it's encapsulates this period. As snotty as their debut, containing some of their loudest, punkiest efforts ("Tube Screamer," "Everyone Behaves Like a c.u.n.t So Why Can't I"), it also finds them stretching their sonic palette, experimenting with samples and sequencers ("War on the Floor," "Camp David"), and is home to one of the most robust pop compositions of their career ("Look Who's Laughing"). But more important, it's the freshness the freshness of the record that strikes you; the excitement of writing and recording such an article seeps unstoppably through the speakers until there's no doubt that you're listening to something genuinely rare and thrilling. Fifteen months after hearing their debut, during which time I had changed more than I can possibly describe, hearing the adrenaline rush of opening track "Rancid/Putrid" escape from my ca.s.sette deck was ... well, certainly more exciting than losing my virginity, which I'd been permanently parted from the previous month. of the record that strikes you; the excitement of writing and recording such an article seeps unstoppably through the speakers until there's no doubt that you're listening to something genuinely rare and thrilling. Fifteen months after hearing their debut, during which time I had changed more than I can possibly describe, hearing the adrenaline rush of opening track "Rancid/Putrid" escape from my ca.s.sette deck was ... well, certainly more exciting than losing my virginity, which I'd been permanently parted from the previous month.

And what sort of man was Lance Webster back then? Well, the geezer Alan and myself nervously chatted to in Harlow would have been basking in the knowledge that, two months after its release, Lovely Youth Lovely Youth had sold its one-hundred-thousandth British copy, prompting the incongruous appearance of a gold disc in his Kentish Town flat. In the post-Britpop music business this statistic would be simply described as "a good start," but back in 1990 their label BFM were more than happy with the Magpies' progress. Previously average sales-it had charted high but quickly fallen, as most alternative alb.u.ms tended to do-had been inflated by the release of the aforementioned "Look Who's Laughing" as a single, which by early March had leapfrogged The Stone Roses, Primal Scream, Inspiral Carpets and even Bros to insert itself at a confident number nine, sharing the top ten with the likes of Michael Bolton, New Kids on the Block and Jive Bunny (the only alternative act who charted higher was Depeche Mode). A sellout European tour was about to commence-the band retaining their integrity by eschewing an economically sensible offer to play Wembley Arena in favour of an equivalent three nights at Brixton Academy, and even America was p.r.i.c.king up its ears, as the alb.u.m floated around the high sixties of the had sold its one-hundred-thousandth British copy, prompting the incongruous appearance of a gold disc in his Kentish Town flat. In the post-Britpop music business this statistic would be simply described as "a good start," but back in 1990 their label BFM were more than happy with the Magpies' progress. Previously average sales-it had charted high but quickly fallen, as most alternative alb.u.ms tended to do-had been inflated by the release of the aforementioned "Look Who's Laughing" as a single, which by early March had leapfrogged The Stone Roses, Primal Scream, Inspiral Carpets and even Bros to insert itself at a confident number nine, sharing the top ten with the likes of Michael Bolton, New Kids on the Block and Jive Bunny (the only alternative act who charted higher was Depeche Mode). A sellout European tour was about to commence-the band retaining their integrity by eschewing an economically sensible offer to play Wembley Arena in favour of an equivalent three nights at Brixton Academy, and even America was p.r.i.c.king up its ears, as the alb.u.m floated around the high sixties of the Billboard Billboard chart thanks to heavy rotation on college and alternative radio. chart thanks to heavy rotation on college and alternative radio.

Lance Webster, it could therefore be safely a.s.sumed, was feeling pretty pleased with himself. At an age when most of his school contemporaries were just finis.h.i.+ng university and embarking on exciting careers in law and accountancy, Webster was Out There, playing to packed clubs and theatres in Britain, Europe and America, straddling the covers of Sounds Sounds and and Melody Maker Melody Maker on an almost monthly basis; his waistcoat and shorts, long brown hair and-when slightly more pretentious occasion called for it-round gla.s.ses becoming as much an outfit du jour for the fans as the baggy flares, flowery s.h.i.+rt and fis.h.i.+ng hat of the Madchester set. He could walk into any indie club in the country with a test pressing of a new song; the DJ would greet him like an old friend and spin the disc instantly, always resulting in frenzied grooving and bouncing from the kids. But although he was the champion of the T-s.h.i.+rted ma.s.ses, who felt relatively comfortable (as we did) wandering up to him at a gig and saying h.e.l.lo, Webster's slightly more intellectual slant, way with words and lyrical references to books, films and art undeniably put him far apart from the melee, and well removed from the aesthetic concerns of, say, a member of Ned's Atomic Dustbin. Simply put, he was not one of us-nor did we want him to be. Admired and in many cases counted as a friend by a wide cross section of alternative luminaries-Robert Smith, Clint Mansell, Wayne Hussey, Jim and William Reid, Bill Drummond, Steve Mack, Billy Bragg, Jim Bob, Mark Arm, Bobby Gillespie, Tanya Donnelly, Tim Smith, Billy Duffy, even Nick Cave and Michael Stipe-Lance, with his ready wit and low tolerance of bulls.h.i.+t, was one of the coolest new kids on the indie block. For a while this meant he could get away with virtually anything and still come out looking like a hero. I don't mean in the traditional zones of "s.e.x, drugs and rock 'n' roll"-in fact, he mostly seemed to frown on all this as "old hat," although there never seemed to be any shortage of stunning girls around him-but more in the way he addressed his const.i.tuents. Mostly this behaviour revealed a graduate of the Johnny Rotten school of insults, but at times Webster seemed to address them as a PE teacher would some recalcitrant kids, or like they were particularly dumb sheep in a field. Stranger still, no one complained. "We're gonna play a cover of 'Centrefold' by the J. Geils Band," he announced at one show. "Anyone got a problem with that?" Of course, some old-skool-punk dissenters down the front roared their disapproval, to which Webster barked, "Right, you can f.u.c.k off, the exits are clearly marked;" and then actually waited for the culprits to leave the pit before the band launched into the song. In June of 1990, the Magpies were given an evening slot on the second (now "Other") stage at Glas...o...b..ry A minute or two before their published stage time, Webster wandered onstage wearing dark gla.s.ses and a bowler hat, and began to speak in a fake posh accent. "Ladies and gentlemen, you are about to watch the Reading-based rock band commonly known as Thieving Magpies. Before you do, you are legally required to repeat the Glas...o...b..ry Second Stage Oath." General looks of amused confusion from the audience, some of whom hadn't yet realised who this figure was. "Repeat after me: I do solemnly declare [the crowd repeated] ... that the second stage at Glas...o...b..ry ... has the s.h.i.+ttiest sound in the world ... most of it disappearing ... across the plain ... and into the valley behind ... or drowned out by the rain ... which will almost certainly begin ... halfway through the set ... but I promise ... to enjoy myself anyway ... and not shout out for any songs ... because the band choose the f.u.c.king set [a particular bugbear of Webster's] ... and we are merely ... lowly audience members ... who aren't fit to lick ... the grease off Craig Spalding's kick-drum pedal." And with that, he introduced his own band. The a.s.sembled ma.s.ses, having obediently chanted every word, rewarded him with a louder ovation than ever. on an almost monthly basis; his waistcoat and shorts, long brown hair and-when slightly more pretentious occasion called for it-round gla.s.ses becoming as much an outfit du jour for the fans as the baggy flares, flowery s.h.i.+rt and fis.h.i.+ng hat of the Madchester set. He could walk into any indie club in the country with a test pressing of a new song; the DJ would greet him like an old friend and spin the disc instantly, always resulting in frenzied grooving and bouncing from the kids. But although he was the champion of the T-s.h.i.+rted ma.s.ses, who felt relatively comfortable (as we did) wandering up to him at a gig and saying h.e.l.lo, Webster's slightly more intellectual slant, way with words and lyrical references to books, films and art undeniably put him far apart from the melee, and well removed from the aesthetic concerns of, say, a member of Ned's Atomic Dustbin. Simply put, he was not one of us-nor did we want him to be. Admired and in many cases counted as a friend by a wide cross section of alternative luminaries-Robert Smith, Clint Mansell, Wayne Hussey, Jim and William Reid, Bill Drummond, Steve Mack, Billy Bragg, Jim Bob, Mark Arm, Bobby Gillespie, Tanya Donnelly, Tim Smith, Billy Duffy, even Nick Cave and Michael Stipe-Lance, with his ready wit and low tolerance of bulls.h.i.+t, was one of the coolest new kids on the indie block. For a while this meant he could get away with virtually anything and still come out looking like a hero. I don't mean in the traditional zones of "s.e.x, drugs and rock 'n' roll"-in fact, he mostly seemed to frown on all this as "old hat," although there never seemed to be any shortage of stunning girls around him-but more in the way he addressed his const.i.tuents. Mostly this behaviour revealed a graduate of the Johnny Rotten school of insults, but at times Webster seemed to address them as a PE teacher would some recalcitrant kids, or like they were particularly dumb sheep in a field. Stranger still, no one complained. "We're gonna play a cover of 'Centrefold' by the J. Geils Band," he announced at one show. "Anyone got a problem with that?" Of course, some old-skool-punk dissenters down the front roared their disapproval, to which Webster barked, "Right, you can f.u.c.k off, the exits are clearly marked;" and then actually waited for the culprits to leave the pit before the band launched into the song. In June of 1990, the Magpies were given an evening slot on the second (now "Other") stage at Glas...o...b..ry A minute or two before their published stage time, Webster wandered onstage wearing dark gla.s.ses and a bowler hat, and began to speak in a fake posh accent. "Ladies and gentlemen, you are about to watch the Reading-based rock band commonly known as Thieving Magpies. Before you do, you are legally required to repeat the Glas...o...b..ry Second Stage Oath." General looks of amused confusion from the audience, some of whom hadn't yet realised who this figure was. "Repeat after me: I do solemnly declare [the crowd repeated] ... that the second stage at Glas...o...b..ry ... has the s.h.i.+ttiest sound in the world ... most of it disappearing ... across the plain ... and into the valley behind ... or drowned out by the rain ... which will almost certainly begin ... halfway through the set ... but I promise ... to enjoy myself anyway ... and not shout out for any songs ... because the band choose the f.u.c.king set [a particular bugbear of Webster's] ... and we are merely ... lowly audience members ... who aren't fit to lick ... the grease off Craig Spalding's kick-drum pedal." And with that, he introduced his own band. The a.s.sembled ma.s.ses, having obediently chanted every word, rewarded him with a louder ovation than ever.

And oh, we lapped it up. We would have done anything the man asked us to. For if Webster was satisfied with his own success, it meant even more to the likes of Alan and me, treading water as we were in a drab pond filled with A-levels, applications for universities we had little interest in going to and girls who had little interest in going anywhere near us; all this to a sound track (unless we were controlling the tape deck) of mindless Stock/Aitken/Waterman pop and punchable Euro-dance acts such as Black Box and Snap. But the Thieving Magpies, and a batch of similarly heroic groups, represented our triumph, our foothold, our flag on the world's musical map. We were as evangelical as a bunch of canva.s.sing Scientologists, proudly sporting our various bits of merchandise, quickly indoctrinating anyone who showed even the vaguest interest by carting them off to a pub, feeding them a few pints of cider and black, playing them a compilation tape and giving them a copy of the fanzine (yeah, I'm going to have to fill you in on that one shortly). Whenever the Magpies ascended the charts or appeared on television or mainstream radio, we genuinely saw it as our our achievement. achievement.

But on a personal level, we knew next to nothing of Webster. He'd seemed pleasant enough when we spoke to him, but privately, who had any idea? He'd once memorably described himself as an "arrogant, overbearing and selfish t.o.s.s.e.r"-which at the very least seemed likely to be an exaggeration-but any reports reaching us suggested a rounded character whose only crime was an occasional inability to hold his drink. He was certainly an expert in self-promotion, developing Morrissey-like notoriety for giving incredibly good interviews, often for publications that had little interest in his music but that were simply after a few choice bon mots and a spark of controversy. I often forget, when rereading these, how insanely young he was at the time; that he was so unapologetically self-a.s.sured still strikes me as b.l.o.o.d.y impressive, especially remembering what a clueless little fart I myself was at the age of twenty-three.

But was he really happy? An odd thought, perhaps, but one I feel the need to address on the eve of meeting him again, some seventeen years later, his life so profoundly different. And yes, I know I'm only going to be serving him in a vet's surgery, but still. Imagine I'm not. Imagine I'm actually going to be sitting down, tape recorder and all, for a proper interview. What would I ask him? Where would I start? Having scaled such heights, he's now living in a small flat in a boring north-London suburb, and no one knows who the f.u.c.k he is. Having sold a good seven or eight million records over the course of his career, he's now arguing with traffic wardens about eighty quid. Am I being hopelessly naive, or is he likely to be really, seriously seriously p.i.s.sed off about this state of affairs? And, as Noel Gallagher once charmlessly scribbled, where-why- p.i.s.sed off about this state of affairs? And, as Noel Gallagher once charmlessly scribbled, where-why-how-did it all go so f.u.c.king wrong?

SUGGESTED LISTENING: Jane's Addiction, Ritual de lo Habitual Ritual de lo Habitual (Warner Bros, 1990) (Warner Bros, 1990) Now, that name rings a bell.

Remind me who they were?

Okay. It's 1:30 a.m. after one of the more unusual days in my life, and there are five things to report. Some good, some bad.

1. Webster showed up (good).

2. I've had more interesting conversations with my toilet seat (bad).

3. I think his cat's on the way out (bad).

4. I've just been out on a date with the Other Vet (good).

5. She just left (bad).

Blame Snow Patrol for that last one. And Coldplay And possibly Keane, although I can't really remember now. And, in a roundabout sort of way, Lance Webster.

I'll try to race through the day's more mundane elements. Picking up the vet's van on Sunday night was a relative doddle, for I had the genius idea to call my mother and suggest an impromptu Sunday lunch visit ("Oh, darling! What a lovely idea! It's not like you to actually volunteer volunteer to come round"), then announced to my dad halfway through my second helping of pudding that I needed a lift to Stanmore. Even the most cursory of glances at the map had baldly displayed Jackie's woeful understatement with regard to Van Man's house being twenty minutes' walk from the tube station. It took virtually twenty minutes to get there by car. The other thing she had neglected to fully describe was how much of an utter nightmare this boxer dog Nigel was. "Frisky" my a.r.s.e. I'm usually all right with animals, having harboured a few in my time, but f.u.c.king h.e.l.l. He spends most of his time trying to walk on his hind legs, "affectionately" biting everything in sight. He'd eaten almost all my jumper by the time the pets were in the vehicle. On a previous jaunt he apparently managed to undo a cage door and swallow a whole chinchilla, so now he has to ride up front with the driver. He did most of the steering on the motorway. I decided to stop at Alan's house for a break, also to tell him the good news about my impending meeting ("Sod off and don't come back 'til you've got something proper to tell me")-when I returned to the van Nigel had chewed the road atlas to shreds, changed the channel on the radio and taken off the handbrake; the van had rolled backwards and was resting perilously against the b.u.mper of Alan's Mini. That Alan didn't notice is a b.l.o.o.d.y miracle. to come round"), then announced to my dad halfway through my second helping of pudding that I needed a lift to Stanmore. Even the most cursory of glances at the map had baldly displayed Jackie's woeful understatement with regard to Van Man's house being twenty minutes' walk from the tube station. It took virtually twenty minutes to get there by car. The other thing she had neglected to fully describe was how much of an utter nightmare this boxer dog Nigel was. "Frisky" my a.r.s.e. I'm usually all right with animals, having harboured a few in my time, but f.u.c.king h.e.l.l. He spends most of his time trying to walk on his hind legs, "affectionately" biting everything in sight. He'd eaten almost all my jumper by the time the pets were in the vehicle. On a previous jaunt he apparently managed to undo a cage door and swallow a whole chinchilla, so now he has to ride up front with the driver. He did most of the steering on the motorway. I decided to stop at Alan's house for a break, also to tell him the good news about my impending meeting ("Sod off and don't come back 'til you've got something proper to tell me")-when I returned to the van Nigel had chewed the road atlas to shreds, changed the channel on the radio and taken off the handbrake; the van had rolled backwards and was resting perilously against the b.u.mper of Alan's Mini. That Alan didn't notice is a b.l.o.o.d.y miracle.

It's also somewhat miraculous that I was able to safely transfer the various creatures into the back room of the surgery, inexpertly shove some food in their direction and take up my position at the front desk before Lance Webster himself strode through the door at ten to eleven. Trust the contrary b.a.s.t.a.r.d to be early. I was hot and sweaty from my exertions and had d.a.m.n near forgotten what I was there for in the first place. He was looking shabbier today, unshaven, wore a pretty hideous striped granddad s.h.i.+rt that suggested a rather ill-advised purchase from Marks & Spencer, and eyed me with a look of distrust that made my body temperature drop about ten degrees.

"Where's Jackie?"

"Jackie?"

"The usual a.s.sistant," he responded crisply.

"Oh, Jackie Jackie. Well, she ..."

I froze midsentence. He was doing it again! Narrowing his eyes at me strangely! He's exactly the same exactly the same. With shorter hair. I might as well have been sixteen and back at the Harlow Square. What is is it with that look? it with that look?

"She's picking up her mother. I'm the ... um ..."

"Well, I've got a cat to pick up: Jessica."

He fiddled about in his pocket and gave me a handwritten chit, which I studied blankly. My eyes were doing that annoying thing they do when I'm really nervous, which is water, basically. I could vaguely make out "Jessica-Webster" and the date. Not that it mattered.

"Is she back?"

"Um, yeah, I'll go and get her," I spluttered, and hurried off down the corridor. Weird. I'm not really sure what I was expecting, but he seemed ... rude rude. Without actually being rude. The best that could be said for the whole thing so far was it proved I'd not been tripping and that it actually was him. Oh, the hilarity, if the chit had said "McAllister" or whatever.

I unlocked the back-room door and was greeted with a gargantuan lick from the perpetually upright Nigel. I'd tied his lead to the handle of a filing cabinet in the far corner, which he'd pulled right across the room.

"Not now," I growled, pus.h.i.+ng him away and grabbing the yellow cat carrier which contained Jessica. But then I stopped for a second and took a few deep breaths, marvelling at the surreal position I'd squeezed myself into. I reflected that if it all ended now, at least I'd have done this. At least I'd have returned an ailing cat in a yellow box to my all-time musical hero. All was suddenly quiet. Even Nigel was momentarily still. I let Lance Webster (yes!) wait for a few seconds longer, then pushed open the door.

He was alternately glancing at one of those information posters ("Is your pet overweight?") and texting someone when I reached the waiting room. One of the two activities must have cheered him up a bit, as his manner was appreciably different.

"Ahh ..." he smiled, upon seeing his moggie. "How's she been?"

Oh, no. Please don't start asking me technical questions.

"Okay," I replied. "She's, um, eaten some breakfast."

"Good." He poked a finger through the mesh door of the carrier, which Jessica acknowledged with a sniff. "It's just prolonging the inevitable, of course, but ..."

"Ah."

He sighed, sadly. "Yes. Mind you, it would help if the other one wasn't terrorising her the whole time. Actually, while I think of it ... have you got any of that hormonal stuff that you spray to stop them urinating everywhere?"

Thank G.o.d I once owned a cat.