The Alternative Hero Part 5

"No, where!" repeated Alan.

"Tha's all right, mate, we're all goin' same place, jump in the back, we'll drop you by the Royal Oak or somethin' in the town centre. That'll do you, eh?"

"The Royal Oak! Perfect," I grinned, at the sound of a pub less than fifteen minutes' walk from my house. Alan looked a little stunned, then shrugged approval.

"Yeah, man, the Royal Oak's cool. Cheers."

What brilliant luck! There was nothing to this. .h.i.tchhiking lark. We plodded round to the back of the van. The doors opened and we were met by two scruffy mongrel dogs on threadbare leads, held by two equally mangy dreadlocked geezers in New Model Army T-s.h.i.+rts. A small girl lurked further back, looking fairly s.p.a.ced-out in a s.p.a.cemen 3 top that she'd fas.h.i.+oned into a dress.

"Come on in, don't be shy," beamed one of the chaps. "I'm Barry, this is Welpo, Liz over there, Si up at the front and this," indicating the two dogs, "is Margaret and Steve."

We climbed in and settled ourselves on the purple rug. Welpo slammed the doors and Si, after turning the music down just a touch-to earsplitting rather than brain-crus.h.i.+ng volume-began to wildly reverse back up the road.

"Sorry I chucked the can at you," he shouted. "You looked like you needed a drink."

The makes.h.i.+ft lounge they'd created in the back was lit by an ultraviolet torch and surprisingly cosy, once I'd got used to Steve's a.r.s.e in my face. Alan looked content enough, having temporarily abandoned his concerns as to where the h.e.l.l we were going. I accepted a swig from Welpo's can of cider and tried to familiarise myself with the music.

"Who's this?"

"You what?" Barry frowned, cupping his ear.

"Who's the music?"

"The Shamen!" he exclaimed. I looked over at Alan to see if he would repeat his earlier view that they were "a load of toss," but he was already being snogged by the s.p.a.ced-out girl.

I'm still amazed we got as far as we did without noticing our ridiculous error. I remember remarking into Barry's ear that it was quite a coincidence we were all from the same town, and being somewhat puzzled when he mentioned something about living near "the river." Perhaps if the music hadn't been so loud I might have asked him where the h.e.l.l a river was in Bushey; then again, perhaps if Alan wasn't having his faced sucked off he might have noticed from Si's driving style that we were clearly not on the motorway. As it was, we only smelled a rat when the van stopped after fifteen minutes and Si announced our arrival.

"Already?" stammered Alan, breathlessly.

"Yup," laughed Si, as Welpo opened the doors. "I don't hang around."

Alan and I gingerly peeked out and were greeted by the sight of a pub that was indeed called the Royal Oak but was blatantly not in Bushey.

"Where the f.u.c.k are we, man?"

"Where!" Barry responded, in surprised and slightly pained tones. Barry responded, in surprised and slightly pained tones.

"Yes, where!" Alan repeated. "Where have you driven us?"

"Where! In Hertfords.h.i.+re! W-A-R-E!" In Hertfords.h.i.+re! W-A-R-E!"

Oh, the hilarity.

By the time we arrived home at around lunchtime the following day, after a tortuous, meandering train journey, a few significant decisions had been made: we would no longer (as if we had any choice) rely on Dominic Browne for gig transport, we would not accept a lift from anyone until we had made them repeat our town of destination at least three times, Alan would try to abandon some of his inbuilt prejudices concerning dance music, and I would make it my top priority-as I resolved through my near-hallucinogenic tiredness, having spent all night sleeplessly listening to Alan enjoying the s.e.xual appet.i.te of a tripped-out, twenty-something s.p.a.cemen 3 fan a few metres away from me-to lose my virginity as soon as possible.

Back in Alan's office, I sip my coffee, nibble my m.u.f.fin and continue flicking through the sc.r.a.pbook's heavily enc.u.mbered pages.

"So weird, isn't it?" I comment wistfully. "If that happened these days ..."

"We'd get a f.u.c.king cab and be home in time for last orders."

"Yeah," I nod-but the fact that I don't necessarily consider this a good thing is lost on Alan.

Further research is abandoned at that point, for Alan's three-year-old daughter, Jocasta, races into the room and delightedly begs us to play hide-and-seek, which in the enormity of Alan's house is a game so riveting I'd almost choose it above, say, tenpin bowling as a drinking sport. Soon Alan's businesslike guard is dropped and we horse about, Liz joins in, beers come out and it quickly turns into A Fun Afternoon. We play for a good hour, then sit around chatting for a bit, pizza goes in the oven, more beers emerge and it's just about to turn into A Fun Evening when my mobile bleeps and I remember I promised Polly I'd have Sunday-night lasties with her. My work is done, though, for as I'm putting on my coat Alan mutters "b.u.g.g.e.r it," runs up the stairs and returns with the sc.r.a.pbook, wrapped up in a strong transparent plastic bag, as though it's some untouchable legal exhibit.

"Just be b.l.o.o.d.y careful with it," he quietly a.s.serts.

I smile gratefully. "I'll make it worthwhile."

"Yeah, yeah ... get outta here," he grins, giving me a hearty slap on the back that doubles as a friendly push out the door. "Good luck." Then, out of earshot from his wife and child, he adds touchingly, "Try not to f.u.c.k it up."

"Thanks. Vorsprung Durch Peanut ..."

"Vorsprung Durch Peanut," he counters.

As I wander towards the bus stop I have a brief moment of paranoia that he's really given me the book because he can't bear me coming round the whole time to look at it. But, deciding this is probably stupid, I board the bus and head home.

SUGGESTED LISTENING: The Jesus and Mary Chain, Automatic Automatic (Blanco y Negro, 1989) (Blanco y Negro, 1989) What an extraordinary way to behave And now I am alone.

The funny thing is, I really am going to do this. It's an odd feeling when you reach an absolute decision within yourself to do something rather peculiar and ill-advised, knowing nothing can change your mind. Alan's probably thinking, "Oh, it's just another of Clive's loser-esque schemes. He'll have forgotten about it by the middle of the week." And yes, on the surface this is remarkably similar to the others. But-unlike the episode years back when I announced to everyone my intention to seduce the actress who played Lauren Carpenter in Neighbours Neighbours, giving rise to a weekly trail round all the pubs in Fulham, where I'd heard she was living (a plan that was also the product of an unusual dream, now I come to think of it)-the key factor this time is that Lance Webster really is here really is here. On my street. I've narrowed down his whereabouts to the nearest twenty metres. No detective work is needed. All I need is a little patience, luck, some of the social skills and intelligence I must surely (surely?) have ama.s.sed over the last thirty years, and it really should be easy. Oh yes.

But how do you follow someone? I'm not the sort of slick individual who can lithely creep around unnoticed. I decide that I'd better do a little research. I pop into my local bookshop and glance at one of those absurd stocking-filler manuals called How to Do Difficult Stuff How to Do Difficult Stuff or something, but it only tells me how to escape from a straitjacket or how to have s.e.x on a plane. The Internet is my next stop, and of course some k.n.o.b has taken the trouble to write down his methods in some detail. "Prepare the proper attire," he begins. "Black is a bad idea. At all hours, you'll stick out like a sore thumb. Red attracts attention. Wear greys and greens. If the weather permits it, wear a hooded sweater or jacket." All my clothes are grey and green anyway, but what does he mean, "If the weather permits it"? As in, if it's not too hot and sunny? Clearly not written by anyone British. or something, but it only tells me how to escape from a straitjacket or how to have s.e.x on a plane. The Internet is my next stop, and of course some k.n.o.b has taken the trouble to write down his methods in some detail. "Prepare the proper attire," he begins. "Black is a bad idea. At all hours, you'll stick out like a sore thumb. Red attracts attention. Wear greys and greens. If the weather permits it, wear a hooded sweater or jacket." All my clothes are grey and green anyway, but what does he mean, "If the weather permits it"? As in, if it's not too hot and sunny? Clearly not written by anyone British.

"Spot your target," he continues. "See which direction they're headed in, and how fast they are moving." Okay. I've already worked out I'm going to have to sit at the top of our bas.e.m.e.nt steps until I see Webster emerge from his house (let's hope he actually does, or I'm in for a boring weekend). The instructor then enters into a complex discussion regarding parked cars, outracing your target and making fake calls on a mobile, occasionally offering such use-free nuggets as: "If the weather isn't cold enough to make a bent head plausible, keep looking down at your watch." What the h.e.l.l does that mean? My attention kind of wanders off after that bit.

I take a fleeting look at the "Things You'll Need" section, which comprises little more than "the ability to lie convincingly" (I was once told my lying is so unconvincing that I'm actually convincing; I've managed to lap myself in believability terms), and finally a cautionary glance at the warning note: Only ever follow a person to play a practical joke on them or engage in a similar harmless activity. You and you alone are responsible for your actions. Using these instructions to commit a crime does not void you of responsibility for your actions, nor does it annul the damage you have done to the lives of other people.

Well, this is is just a harmless activity, isn't it? I won't be damaging anyone's life. I just want to know what he gets up to. It's not like I'm going to blackmail him or stalk him or anything, is it? just a harmless activity, isn't it? I won't be damaging anyone's life. I just want to know what he gets up to. It's not like I'm going to blackmail him or stalk him or anything, is it?

So, as Churchill once blethered, the era of procrastination is fast disappearing down the resolutional plughole. It's Sat.u.r.day morning. My clock radio says 8:04. Time to get on with it.

I don appropriate clothing (black jeans, grey T-s.h.i.+rt, green hooded top, black woolly hat), knock back a cup of tea and a piece of toast. Polly is still pa.s.sed out on the kitchen sofa from last night (we have no lounge) but briefly raises her head to utter a few words of encouragement ("Don't do anything stupid"). I climb the metal steps from our bas.e.m.e.nt flat to street level. It's a little chilly, but not raining. I look up and down the street. No sign of anyone. Hope I'm early enough. 8:15. Settle myself on the second step. Reasonably good view of the steps coming down to the pavement at number three. Wait.

Wait.

People walk past occasionally. No one seems to take much notice. Around nine, an old lady I've never seen before looks quizzically at me as she shuffles along, then stops to ask if I'm all right. I reply that I am. Her next question is surprising.

"Are you a terrorist?"

For some reason, maybe because I'm already bored, I say yes. She hurries off looking concerned. Perhaps that wasn't the best thing to do. It'll give her something to talk about on the bus, though.

More waiting.

9:45-ish, Polly emerges blearily with a cup of tea-which I think is for me until she sips from it, informs me that my mother has just been on the phone ("You'll be pleased to know I didn't tell her what you were really doing") and unsmilingly disappears back inside.

Some brief action occurs at 10:25, when a male figure trots down Webster's steps. The music to Mission: Impossible Mission: Impossible strikes up in my head as I scramble to my feet and sprint after him. Hearing the flat-footed clatter approaching from behind, my quarry, who is clearly not Lance Webster, whips around and frowns at me, startled. With very few other options I carry on running past, mutter a feeble "Sorry, mate" and streak round the corner of the adjacent street. strikes up in my head as I scramble to my feet and sprint after him. Hearing the flat-footed clatter approaching from behind, my quarry, who is clearly not Lance Webster, whips around and frowns at me, startled. With very few other options I carry on running past, mutter a feeble "Sorry, mate" and streak round the corner of the adjacent street.

f.u.c.k it. I'm going to have to get a whole lot better at this.

I hide in the newsagent's until the faux-Webster has left the scene, then return to base, my dress rehearsal complete. This time nothing remotely relevant happens until around one, when Polly, in a rare fit of being-nice-about-my-b.l.o.o.d.y-silly-ideas, brings me a Marmite sandwich and yesterday's Evening Standard Evening Standard.

Over the long, uneventful course of the afternoon I rattle through several stages of doubt about several different things, starting with this project and why on earth I am bothering, then my life in general-how I managed to reach this age with so few career prospects and pounds in the bank-then my ex-girlfriend and why it didn't work out, then my trip to New York last year and why I decided it was tall but overrated, then my visit to Lisbon the year before and why I decided it was completely underrated, then back to what I'm doing right now (if I had an ounce of sense I'd have made myself a little survival pack with some fruit, water, at the very least a Thermos of coffee like they do on TV), then finally, as usual, my job.

G.o.d, I hate it. It was only meant to be for a week when I started, and that was three years ago. Now I'm like some f.u.c.king senior there, without the benefit of really being in charge of anyone. It's the most ridiculous setup. Ron and Michael, the two owners, are like a comedy double act minus the comedy. Ron's a diminutive, bespectacled fifty-something divorce with high blood pressure; a trained accountant from a relatively humble background, who in the eighties managed to make a lot of money, all of which he's gambled on this funny little glorified telesales business. He mooches about at work, apparently channelling all his energy into the most menial of tasks-emptying the recycle bin, ripping up cardboard boxes, hoovering the meeting room-then suddenly pounces on one of your doc.u.ments to pick a thousand holes in it, or yells at everyone for chatting too much, or sacks a secretary. He's fairly unnerving. On first meeting him you think his sense of humour has been wiped out by some freak mental accident, then you realise it's not so much absent as dry as a Mormon's birthday party. Sometimes you find him alone in a far corner of the office, laughing at one of his own jokes. The only other human who gets them is Michael. Michael is the kind of man who I'm sure would be hysterically funny if he wasn't your boss, or your friend, or in the slightest bit connected to you. He's a painfully old-fas.h.i.+oned Chelsea-dwelling upper-cla.s.s Hooray Henry; again, made a load of cash in the eighties, added it to his sizeable pot of "old" money, fulfilled his every geek-boy fantasy, dated a couple of models, married and divorced one of them within a year, then went rather publicly bankrupt after the ex got a big settlement out of him. He's still only in his late thirties. He's a blond giant, about six foot six, totally manic and overbearing, has absolutely no sense of personal s.p.a.ce whatsoever and possesses a razor-sharp, ruthlessly logical business mind of the sort that would have come in very handy in 1987 (he refers to the Internet as "the connected computer"). He is occasionally capable of hilarious wit, but is generally pretty charmless. In fact, if you want a good description of Michael, have a listen to the Blur song "Charmless Man," which I've always been convinced was written about Michael-the bloke in the song is identical in every way (Michael also hangs out at the Soho House members' club, as Damon Albarn did around the time the song was written-they could easily have met). Michael and Ron understand each other in a puzzling way that somehow works, inasmuch as they haven't murdered each other yet. You'll sometimes walk over to their part of the office and find them working, ostensibly in complete silence, until Michael will suddenly exclaim, "Ron, I'll tell you a fourth time if you wish," continuing a debate that has probably been simmering for hours. Once an argument exploded over whether Markham Street in Chelsea was the ninth or the tenth street on the right as one travelled down King's Road. Unable to quench their excitement by consulting the A-Z A-Z, they jumped straight into a taxi and raced over there to prove one or the other wrong.

"I must insist, Michael, that although Markham Square has two exits, it can still only be counted once," Ron calmly stated upon their return.

Michael laughed incredulously.

"You still can't accept that I'm right, can you, Ron? What an extraordinary way to behave."

In terms of employees, the pair favour a ragbag of misfits and occasionals, often advertising vacancies in the Stage Stage, they being of the shaky belief that underemployed actors are reliable and have a good telephone manner. Various other weirdos drift in and-often very swiftly-out: musicians, students, travellers, general under-achievers, attracted by the reasonable hourly rates, flexible s.h.i.+fts and relaxed att.i.tude towards contracts of employment. An actor, for example, can b.u.g.g.e.r off for a month to appear in a Christmas pantomime, then slot straight back in come the New Year. The advantage of this arrangement for Ron and Michael is they have absolutely no responsibility towards their employees: no holiday, sickness or maternity pay, and they're free to hire and fire with little or no red tape. But the downside, which in my three years they've never come close to grasping, is that no one who works for them gives the slightest f.u.c.k about the fate or fortunes of the company, each person doing as little work as humanly possible (the weekend s.h.i.+fts, with Ron and Michael rarely there, are an absolute joke); the only motivation for anyone's presence is the cheque they are grudgingly presented with at the end of each week-or, in my exceedingly unusual case, month. I alone managed to negotiate what pa.s.ses for a full-time salary a year or so ago at the insistence of my then girlfriend, for I had progressed to what Ron and Michael laughingly describe as a managerial role. This consists of little more than showing new staff the ropes and then ploughing on with the same tedious old s.h.i.+t as everyone else: answering the phone, talking to corpses all over the country-Grantham, Horley, Bideford, Dumfries, Wantage, Bingley-jotting down the c.r.a.p they witlessly spew on badly photocopied pieces of paper. I say and hear the same words every minute of every hour of every day, five days a week, fifty-two weeks per year. It's h.e.l.l. My fellow losers are inoffensive enough-we all get along, to a degree-but since everyone is timetabled to arrive, go to lunch and knock off at completely different times, no one really knows. I suppose things could be worse, but I frequently find myself going home angry, tired and despondent. If things don't change soon ... well, I may be forced to do something about it.

Sorry. Don't mean to moan. But as it's nearing four o'clock and Mr. Webster still hasn't graced the outside world with his presence, there really isn't much else to talk about.

Now, I know what you're hoping. Thirty seconds before I decide to call it a day, maybe around six, Lance Webster finally emerges from his lair and mooches off down the street, bowls into the nearest pub, orders himself a cider and settles down in front of the football, whereupon I station myself locally and strike up idle banter. If only. What actually happens is hardly as straightforward, possibly more interesting.

Ten past five, I am visited by a traffic warden. A male one. Fifty-ish. I am still dressed in woolly hat and hooded top and seated unsteadily at the top of our metal steps, so I suppose I still look like an outside bet on a burglar, or a granny-basher, or at the very least someone who should soon be taking his evening medication. The warden asks me several questions, some of them stupid, most of them slightly bemusing, all of them tempting me to ask, "Why do you you want to know? You're a traffic warden." want to know? You're a traffic warden."

"h.e.l.lo," he begins.

"Hi."

"Can we help you?"

I look around him a bit, and further down the street. He is alone. Perhaps he is royalty.

"Erm ... no?"

"Just wondered what you were up to, y'know. Sat there. Second time I've seen you today."

"Oh, yeah? First time I've seen you."

He is not smiling. "What are you doing?"

"Erm ... just chilling."

"Bit nippy today, yes," he laughs humourlessly "Seen anything interesting?"

"No. You?"

"Hmm," he replies, biting his top lip and frowning down the street. "There's been a couple of complaints."

"About me?"

"Well, about people like you."

G.o.d knows what he's meant to be doing. Happily, however, at that moment he must start being a traffic warden again, for who should we see-I mean, really, who the a.r.s.e a.r.s.e should we see-but Lance Webster, frantically jingling a set of car keys, cantering up from the other end of the street towards a nondescript vehicle. should we see-but Lance Webster, frantically jingling a set of car keys, cantering up from the other end of the street towards a nondescript vehicle.

"I'll move it," he shouts.

All right. Again, I must apologise. You understand. Three words. Three everyday words. But that voice, that slightly harsh but impossibly articulate intonation, that hint of Berks.h.i.+re accent (if Lennon had been from Reading, etc.)-I know, I know ... take a cold shower, get a hotel room, whatever. But. When you've spent your life hearing that same voice spitting out those glorious lyrics: "I can't recall if we really have s.e.x, all I can feel are the after-effects;" "I can't recall if we really have s.e.x, all I can feel are the after-effects;" outsmarting interviewers on late-night radio: "No, no, hang on, there seems to be some theory that being taken up the a.r.s.e at boarding school disqualifies you from making valid rock music. Well, I dunno. Ask Kurt Cobain. I'm quite sure he'd have preferred being occasionally b.u.g.g.e.red by a prefect than the mountainload of s.h.i.+t he had to put up with as a youth;" berating the crowd for sluggishness: "Oh, what's the matter, did [support band] Daisy Chainsaw tire you out, little children?"-you can't ignore a little tingle down your spine when you hear that voice again, even if it is employed for something as mundane as telling a traffic warden not to ticket his car. Which, as it turns out, is too late. outsmarting interviewers on late-night radio: "No, no, hang on, there seems to be some theory that being taken up the a.r.s.e at boarding school disqualifies you from making valid rock music. Well, I dunno. Ask Kurt Cobain. I'm quite sure he'd have preferred being occasionally b.u.g.g.e.red by a prefect than the mountainload of s.h.i.+t he had to put up with as a youth;" berating the crowd for sluggishness: "Oh, what's the matter, did [support band] Daisy Chainsaw tire you out, little children?"-you can't ignore a little tingle down your spine when you hear that voice again, even if it is employed for something as mundane as telling a traffic warden not to ticket his car. Which, as it turns out, is too late.

"You got a ticket anyway," states the warden, ambling up to him.

"Aw, come on, mate-I live right there. I only parked outside so I could take my cat to the vet. I've only been there five minutes."

"Fifteen."

"Yeah, well, maybe, sorry, but ... look, I had to dash to the shop to get some pet food, because otherwise I can't get her into the box, but I didn't know I'd run out, and ... oh, it's complicated."

"Nothing I can do. Once I press the b.u.t.ton, that's it."

Webster huffs and rips open the little plastic packet placed under his windscreen wipers.

"Eighty quid!"

"Forty if you pay within a fortnight. There's an address on the back if you want to appeal."

I'm hiding further down my stairwell while watching this riveting exchange. I can just see Webster's lower half, his carrier bag (Kent's-"Everything for Your Pet") swinging as he hopelessly stamps his feet. I didn't really have him down as a cat lover, but there you go. I cast the obvious thought aside (how the h.e.l.l did I manage to miss him leaving his flat, retrieving his car, parking outside, going inside and coming out again, when I've been sitting here patiently since eight o'clock this b.l.o.o.d.y morning) because an idea has just struck me. Probably the first genuinely astute idea I've had all day. I pull my hat down, hurry back up the steps and stride purposefully past the warden and the still fulminating ex-pop star, continue up the street, do a left onto the main road, cut down the little alleyway which chops off the one-way system, then out onto the high street and stop by the pub next to the Morrisons. There, a comfortable distance from the homeless dude who sits next to the cash machines, I wait.

I don't have to wait long. Five minutes, if that. I actually spot him in his car, driving past and turning right before the MFI, finding himself a spot, getting out with the cat box and hurrying back to the high street. He reaches the vet's, just across the road from where I'm standing, presses the buzzer and enters.

As bright as my previous brainwave was, I've no idea what to do now. Okay, so he occasionally takes his cat to the vet. Great. There seems little to be gained from barging in there and trying to chat to him as he waits for his p.u.s.s.y to be dewormed, or whatever it is. Lacking any startling inspiration, I simply wait. This is not difficult. I've been doing it all day.

But just in case life was getting too easy it starts to rain. That strange, jerky rain you often get in the springtime; oversized raindrops. Initially this is not a problem. Ten minutes later it's a little bit stupid. The unremarkable a.s.sortment of Sat.u.r.day-afternoon traffic, buses, screaming police cars and thundering HGVs continues for a short while longer until, thank Christ, Webster emerges and sprints back to his car. But there's something missing. It takes me a few moments to spot what's missing: something which, in a fairly tenuous manner, gives me my opportunity.

He hasn't got his cat with him.

I hang on for a moment to check he's not simply running back to grab something, but no; he drives off. I cross the road and look at the opening times tacked to the door. "Closed Sundays. Monday-Sat.u.r.day, 8:30 a.m.-6:30 p.m." Without thinking too much, I whip off my hat and enter. The small waiting room is mercifully empty apart from the blondy-grey-haired lady who sits behind the counter, surrounded by cash register, phone, toys, packets of catnip, photos of various animals ("A few of our furry friends") and other a.s.sorted pet paraphernalia. I give her my best, non-nutterest smile.

"h.e.l.lo," I start, wondering whether she'll remember me.

"Oh, hi!" she exclaims, looking up from some paperwork. "How are you?"

"Fine," I reply. "Long time ..."

"That's right," she nods. "How's-erm ..."

"Cookson?"

"Cookson! That's it."

"Ah," I shrug, mock-ruefully "I lost the custody battle, I'm afraid. He's now in Camberwell with his mum."

"Oh! I'm sorry."