Uncommon Emotions Part 22

What did that mean? My muscles clenched with worry that I'd been misreading her reactions in our relations.h.i.+p all along. I tried to stay calm, but I felt my defenses rising. "I agree that he needs help. Every criminal needs help, but most have to suffer some repercussions first. Unfortunately, it's up to the courts to decide that before we can get him the help he needs for his problem."

198*

"We?" she spat harshly. "That's laughable. Without regard for my feelings, for my family's feelings-my family, who have been so good to you and mean so much to me- you strip us of a member and hand him over to the police.

You honestly think you'll be helping us to resolve this?"

"I don't know what your uncle showed you." I reached for her arm to stop her from pacing, but she twisted away just as my fingertips grazed her skin. The rejection stung almost as much as her words. How could she think I could keep this from the company that had hired me? I had an obligation to them, and she wanted me to ignore it? "But if you saw all the evidence and you're still feeling this way, then you're not the kind of person I thought you were."

She went still and looked me dead in the eye. "Neither are you, and it breaks my heart."

My hand curled into a fist and slammed against my leg, praying that this was just a bad nightmare. When the stinging pain shot through my leg and into my hip, I knew this was real. I was standing in front of my very angry and hurt girlfriend, who now seemed to consider me a heartless b.i.t.c.h. "No matter what your uncle is telling you, I had no choice." I tried for rational, but her agitated state didn't guarantee that anything was getting through. "Well, I guess I did. Either I turn him in, or if someone found out that I didn't, I could be jailed for withholding evidence. Is that what you want, Raven? Should I have sacrificed my freedom for the man who methodically stole over 300 grand?"

"I don't believe it would have come to that, Joslyn. We could have handled everything and gotten Nick the help he needs. My family knows what you mean to me. They'd protect you through this." She raked a shaking hand through the long layers of her stylish s.h.a.g. Before I'd always marveled at how the layers would slide back perfectly into place. Now the anger with which she performed the gesture made me queasy. "Instead, you shunned their acceptance, *199 ignored my feelings, and left us with no choices. That's not the kind of woman that cares for me so much that she'd sacrifice some guilt to her conscience to allow me some peace."

The queasiness ratcheted up to full blown nausea. "I'm sorry you feel that way, but you're out of your mind if you think I'd sacrifice what we have to a.s.suage some guilt."

She pivoted swiftly, eyes clas.h.i.+ng with mine as breath pumped rapidly through her frame. "I must be out of my mind to think that we had something special, something that I thought might last."

"It will last, Raven," I said definitively, feeling my throat tighten in response to the finality in her tone. "You're upset right now, but when things settle down, we'll be able to move past this together." When she had enough time to step back from the hurt, she'd see I had no choice. She was too smart not to.

"I wish I could believe you," Tears threatened as she stared at me. Her expression had moved beyond hurt and into betrayed. Those tears sprang free and splashed onto her deathly pale cheeks. When her voice sounded again, it was heavy with anguish. "Goodbye, Joslyn." She slid into the car and got it moving as quickly as any race car driver.

And there goes the love of my life because I'm too d.a.m.n good at my job. I could now officially count myself among the ma.s.ses of people who hated me.

Chapter 26.

W hat's so great about falling in love anyway? People dedicated songs, poems, plays, sonnets, entire novels to the subject. Apparently, everyone on the planet falls in love at some point, and often, more than once. For thirty-seven years, I'd been s.h.i.+elded from what I'd considered an unnecessary emotion. Now that I'd experienced it for the first time, I considered it a devastatingly cruel sentiment that must be avoided at all costs.

Truly, why would anyone willingly fall in love when a broken heart feels worse than any pain someone can endure and still remain living? Not that I was living. Working on autopilot more like. I'd even stayed an extra week on the out of town consultation just so I wouldn't have to return to Seattle and be reminded of all the places Raven and I had gone together.

No more excuses, though. I had several client consultations in town this week. I could put them off, but then I'd have more time to let the pain in my chest metastasize. If I could only get back to being numb. I could handle numb just so I wouldn't have to feel like bursting into tears every time I turned my head and saw Raven.

While we were together, I had no idea she had that many clones out there. She was everywhere until I got to within reaching distance. Then, of course, she'd dematerialize and *201 someone who looked absolutely nothing like her stood before me instead.

Why weren't there more songs about how much a broken heart destroys every part of you? I'd even take a simple haiku at this point. Anything that would have served as a sufficient warning. I contemplated writing one myself as I turned the corner in my driveway and spotted my dad sitting on the porch swing. I didn't expect he'd still be here.

He usually cleared out from his dog sitting duties before I got home. Yet here he sat patiently, expectantly, almost as if he knew I didn't want to be alone.

"Hi, sweetie, how was your trip?" He headed to the trunk to grab my suitcase before I'd even gotten my door closed.

"Fine, Dad. It's good to see you." I hoped my voice didn't sound as dead to him as it did to me.

He dropped the suitcase and embraced me tightly. His spicy scent gave me the first calm I'd felt in weeks. He'd done this for me my whole life, and I felt the tears start again. I willed them back because I never cried. Well, not until the heap of emotions I'd experienced since knowing Raven. Now, I was a puddle waiting to splash on everyone.

"Everything go okay with the dogs?" I floundered for any subject that didn't involve another flash flood of tears.

"They're all doing great. d.a.m.n good company. I'm thinking about getting one myself."

"You should. We could head over to the shelter this weekend and pick one out for you." Not only would it be fun to pick out another dog, it would provide a much needed distraction on my now free weekend.

"I'll think about it, hon." He curled his arm around my waist, picked up my suitcase, and brought me inside.

The dogs went ballistic having me home. It felt good to let go and feel their love. This was the kind of love I could handle. "I missed them."

202*

"They missed you. I might have cheated and let them sleep with me a couple of nights." He looked suitably guilty.

"Great, breaking that habit won't be hard at all," I groaned. He didn't have trouble sleeping. Having five dogs s.h.i.+fting about on the bed wouldn't bother him at all. Even in the calm of my hotel room for the past three weeks, I'd barely slept. No chance I would try sleeping with the dogs in the room.

"What happened, Jos?" My gaze snapped up at his question. His sad and serious expression reminded me of the day he told me that my mom wouldn't be living with us anymore. At the time, the sadness that I saw in him kept me from asking any questions. It was the only relief I could give him. This look gave me the same feeling of doom.

"My trip went well. I stayed an extra week because they wanted me to train the sales staff on corporate clients."

"I'm talking about Raven, sweetie."

"Did something happen to her?" Panic pushed past every morsel of the sadness and pain I'd felt in the past few weeks.

"No." Dad put a stop to my sure seizure. "What happened with Raven? Why aren't you together anymore?"

"How...?"

"At the barbeque before you left, we got to talking about how much she liked your house and what she hoped to do with her property. I thought I'd draw up some rough plans for her. I gave her a call thinking she might be a little lonely with you out of town and asked her to lunch to show her the plans."

Great, kill me know. No matter how rough a draft, he would have poured a lot of time into designing a house for her. "I'm sorry you went to all that trouble. I should have said something."

"It was no trouble."

*203 "Yes, it was and very thoughtful of you. What did she tell you?" I didn't want to know, but my dad had to sit through it, so I owed it to him.

"She thanked me for the effort. She couldn't have been more gracious, but she said that you weren't seeing each other anymore." He bent down to catch my gaze. "When I asked her what happened, she told me that I should talk to you."

"There's nothing to talk about." Or at least according to Raven there wasn't.

"Was it your choice?"

"No! I still want her in my life, but it's not up to me. I didn't measure up."

"Surely, that's not it. Maybe if you tried to see her. She sounded as sad as you do right now."

"Unfortunately, it doesn't seem to be just the two of us making decisions about our relations.h.i.+p."

"When have you ever met an obstacle that you can't get around?" he encouraged. "You were the most resilient kid I'd ever seen. I thought having your mom leave would devastate you, but you worked through it. You became my inspiration for getting on with living my life."

Tears sprang forth without regret this time. I hugged him fiercely, hoping the constriction would be enough to stem the tears. "I love you, Dad."

"I love you, too, hon, and I know you love her. Don't let whatever came between you become insurmountable. You can scale anything."

"I appreciate your encouragement. I really do."

"Think about it at least? Seeing you in love made me happier than I've ever been in my life aside from your birth.

Even more than watching you graduate from all three colleges. I wished for the kind of love that Raven gave you from the first moment you announced you were going out on a date." And, did he ever panic. To this day, I believe he a.s.signed Marco as my tail that night. They both denied it 204*

and still do, but you don't just run into your brother at the burger joint across town and again at the movie theater farthest from the burger place specifically to avoid seeing him.

"Don't worry about me. I got all that resiliency from you. Things will work out."

"I hope so," he murmured.

Of course, he didn't realize that I meant that things would go back to normal for me in a few weeks when I got over the stabbing pain in my chest cavity. If it took a few months, what did it matter? A few years might get to me, but my biggest fear was that it might take a few decades to get over her.

"This is meeting 220 this week, isn't it?" Zina looked up from her desk as I pa.s.sed through the reception slash conference room slash Zina's office area until Marco or my dad had a spare weekend to help me enclose part of it for her.

I'd finally found a use for the extra building on my property. And settled on a color, or lack there of since Marco convinced me to s.h.i.+ngle it and stain the cedar instead of painting. He was right, as usual, not that I told him.

Converting the building into an office allowed Zina and me a place to work together. Our previous arrangement, working out of separate homes, wasn't conducive to getting her trained. Dad and I renovated the interior, but we still needed to work on getting Zina an office with walls and a door.

"219," I shot back with a smile.

"Really, girl, you're going to work yourself to exhaustion like that herding dog of yours."

"We could all learn a thing or two about work from Eras, my dear. Did you work up a cheat sheet for me on this *205 one?" I patted my briefcase, asking for the one page summary of the corporate officers, financial ratios, org chart and other miscellaneous data that I might need in an initial consultation.

"Right here." She thrust a page into my hand. "I was hoping to talk some sense into you about all these potential clients. Even with my brilliant self around to triple your efficiency, I'm not good enough to make this kind of work load manageable."

"It's not that much work." The lie rolled off so easily I should be worried.

"Something is seriously wrong with you. We will talk about it tomorrow morning." She made a mark on her desktop calendar.

"Tomorrow's Sat.u.r.day; you're not working," I ordered in my best boss voice. "On Monday morning, we'll be talking about the training schedule for next week. I'd like you to start shadowing me at the next client. Some of these clients are going to be yours."

"You'll do anything to avoid thinking about your personal life."

"Not open for discussion." I could hear my voice throw up a roadblock.

"You don't talk about it, you don't think about it, and you certainly don't live it."

"Zina," I started to protest, not knowing how to deal with it. The worst thing I could do right now was burst into the tears that threatened to fall. Other than telling her I was seeing Raven when we started working together and admitting that we were no longer together on one of the phone calls while I was out of town, we'd not had a discussion like this.

"You did the right thing. What else could you do?"

While it was nice having Zina on my side, she hadn't liked Nick much more than Robert. She wasn't exactly unbiased.

"You should call her again. Raven's practical. At some 206*

point, she'll realize that her cousin is an a.s.s and doesn't deserve her loyalty."

"Please, let's not get into this." It wouldn't do any good to start thinking about Raven right before a client consult.

Nor would it do any good to start thinking about Raven period. The situation had been impossible, and her reaction was completely understandable. I'd hoped that with a few days to think it over, she'd see things from my point of view. But after the sixth unreturned phone call while I was out of town, I'd given up hope that she'd forgive my actions and give us another chance.

"I haven't known you very long, but I know deliriously happy when I see it. You two are good together. Give her a call. If she needs more time, give her more time, because deliriously happy is worth it."

"I'll keep that in mind. I'm going to be late." I rushed out of the office before the tightening in my throat and stinging in my eyes turned to the cras.h.i.+ng, unstoppable waterfall I expected.

A cool blast of unnecessary air conditioning hit me when I walked into my potential client's extravagant lobby.

Recommendation number one: lose the A/C when it's seventy-three degrees outside. While I waited at the reception desk for my dinner meeting attendees, I took in all the ornate decorations, panels, and art work in an area where people spend less than one minute each visit. As much as I wanted to keep busy, I didn't think I could deal with the carelessness I saw everywhere in this organization.

I'd listen to them over dinner then send a summary report and rejection next week.

The elevator doors opened, and the cool air got sucked out of the room. Chase McCovey strode toward me with a slick smile and an expensive suit. "h.e.l.lo, Joslyn. It's good to see you." He pulled me into a hug that trapped the use of my arms. Before I knew what was happening, he dragged me away from the reception desk. "I wanted to say that I'm *207 sorry how things ended between us. I wish I could take back that night. I've missed you."

"Chase?" I finally managed to unlock my tongue.

"You look really hot. What have you been doing with yourself? At least you didn't get into a bon-bon eating contest of depression after we broke up."

I ignored everything but what I wanted to know. "What are you doing here?"

"Huh? Oh, I switched companies last month and recommended they hire you to turn them around." He grabbed my hands and squeezed as if trying to get my attention. "That's okay, isn't it? I mean I know we're not a couple anymore, but you're the best at what you do. I want to make a good impression here, and I know you're just the person to help me do that. C'mon, babe, for old time's sake?

Maybe I can even convince you to give me another chance."

Surprise twisted my tongue again. Had I really ever felt like this man could make me happy? Knowing how amazing a relations.h.i.+p filled with love, respect, generosity, caring, I didn't know how I could have kidded myself that anything less would be satisfying. He was a nice enough guy, had consideration for others, wasn't too selfish, but he wasn't Raven. No one was. c.r.a.p, I'm doomed. "I don't think this is a good idea, Chase. I'm glad to see you, and I wasn't happy how we left things either, but we don't belong together. I'm not sure I should be working with your company."

"C'mon, Jos, please, I need to look good in front of my new boss. Listen to the guys at dinner. It's an interesting case for you. I know you'll be convinced after you hear these guys out." He looked over at the elevators. "Here they are now. Let me introduce you."

Four men came off the elevator toward me. All tall, all wearing dark suits that cost more than the riding mower making tracks over the football field of a lawn out back.

Their pasty white skin told me that they took summers in 208*

Seattle for granted; that alone was a crime. I hadn't thought this would work out before; now, I was utterly convinced.

The least I could do, however, was go to dinner with them.

Or so I thought.

When we pulled into a familiar parking lot, one wish ran through my mind while stepping out of their ma.s.sive SUV.