Accidentally On Purpose Part 34

Chapter Forty-One

Early the next morning, I found myself standing in the lot of my destroyed bar again. I didn't know what to do with the mess. Rebuilding meant more time in Jersey - a lot more time, and as much as I had missed it, I wasn't sure if that was a good idea.

For hours after Lucas fell asleep, I had to talk myself out of calling Kyle. I would dial the number, but never initiate the call. I must have a hundred drafts of text messages that will never be sent. I don't know what I hoped to accomplish. The only reason I didn't finally call was because I fell asleep. No will power.

"Less go!" Lucas shouted in the car behind me. I was only standing about two feet from the car.

"Okay, let's go," I answered and got back into the car.

We went to visit Donya and her new baby for a little while. I was p.i.s.sed off that she had already lost her baby fat and again looked like the runway model she was.

We only stayed a couple of hours, because she had a doctor's appointment and Lucas was restless. I took him to the zoo for a couple of hours and then we ate an early dinner in the city. By six, we were back in the hotel. Lucas fell asleep around seven-thirty, and I was bored. If the rest of my trip was going to be this way, I was going to cut it short. Everyone I knew was busy with their lives and couldn't spare more than a few minutes. Donya was busy with her new expanded family, Mayson had a boyfriend, and Tabitha wasn't exactly on the welcome committee. My old co-workers were busy with work or had also moved away. At least in Chicago I had family and a few friends, and a job, and Luke.

I knew one person who would be available as much as I wanted him to. I dialed, held my breath, and pressed the send key. It started to ring at the very moment someone knocked on my hotel door. Surprised, I sat there staring dumbly at the door with the phone ringing in my ear.

"h.e.l.lo?" Kyle said.

"G.o.d. I'm sorry. I know I just called but someone is knocking on my door," I said as I ran to the door. I looked through the peephole.

"Em?" Kyle's voice lit up.

"Tabitha," I said when I opened the door.

"Tabitha?" Kyle asked, confused.

"I'm sorry," I said into the phone. "My cousin Tabitha just showed up. I'll call you back." I ended the call.

"Can I come in?" Tabitha asked.

"Yeah, of course." I stepped aside and let her in.

"Where's Lucas?" She asked, standing in the middle of the room letting her eyes wander.

"He crashed a while ago. Probably out of boredom. Have a seat. You want something? A soda or water?" I started toward the kitchenette, but she stopped me.

"No, I'm fine," she said and sat down on the couch.

I sat down in a chair across from her. I felt nervous, probably because this was out of character for Tabitha, to just show up at any door I may be behind. The funny thing is that when we were kids, we were cool. We were close even. Somewhere around fifteen or sixteen, it suddenly became what it is now, awkward and tense.

"Who was on the phone?" She asked.

"Umm, Kyle."

"Sterling?"

"Yeah."

"Met him a few times. Kind of got a bad vibe from him, like he was a d.i.c.k," she said staring into some point in the past, but then she caught herself and straightened up. "Sorry. I shouldn't have said that. I don't know for sure if he's a d.i.c.k. You're the one that worked for him."

"It's okay, and yeah, he had d.i.c.k-like tendencies."

"What about now?"

"I wouldn't know," I said quietly.

She looked at me curiously, but didn't mention Kyle again. "Mayson told me your room number. I hope you don't mind."

"I don't mind, but..."

"You want to know why I suddenly care to make a social call."

I nodded.

She looked away, silently thinking of how she was going to start.

"Let's talk," she said, and we did.

Tabitha stayed for nearly three hours. When she left, I felt better about our relations.h.i.+p. I was glad that I hopefully fixed something while I was in Jersey. After she was gone for a good ten minutes, I picked up my phone and called Kyle.

"Are you going to hang up on me again?" He yawned.

"Maybe."

"What are you doing?"

"Nothing."

"Can I come see you?"

"Absolutely not."

We were silent for a moment. And then "I like your hair."

"What?"

"Your hair," he said patiently. "I like it. Still smells good."

"How could you smell my hair through the smell of smoke and burned dreams?"

"I don't know the science of how how. I just know that I did did."

"Huh," I said, because I didn't know what else to say.

"So," he started. "I think we have a lot to talk about."

"No," I said quickly. "We don't need to talk about any...any of that. I don't want to."

"Em, I don't even know what happened. I know I...hit you, but I don't remember. I want you to tell me."

"No, I don't want to talk about it. Please," I said with a hint of begging. "It's just that...it was painful and I'm trying to move away from any kind of negativity."

He was silent for a moment and then I heard him sigh. "Okay. Then what do you want to talk about?"

"I don't know," I sighed. "Maybe I shouldn't have called."

"I still love you." There. He put it out there. Now what was I supposed to do with it? "If you still loved me after everything, especially that last night, I would be surprised."

"I said I didn't want to talk about that!"

"Sorry."

Another bout of silence.

"You looked really good yesterday. Did I mention I like your hair? It's so long."

I sighed, thinking maybe I made a mistake calling him.

"Emmy, I want to see you."

"When?"

"How about now?"

"I already said no."

"Well, say yes."

"I can't."

"Are you...are you and Luke together?"

It took a moment for me to answer. "Not officially. He wants to be with me, though."

"And you?"

"I am undecided. I don't want to talk about that either."

"I'm coming over."

"You can't! My son..." I realized this was the first time Lucas was brought up.

"Right, you're son, which is why I should come there. Tell me where you are. I'll bring you diner food and a diner shake. Jersey food, Em. Mmm yum."

Okay, so who could resist some good diner food? I caved.

"I come bearing gifts," Kyle said when I opened the door forty minutes later.

I s.n.a.t.c.hed the food from him and let him in.

"Can't get good diner food in Chicago," I said, stuffing a chili cheese fry with bacon into my mouth. "I mean Chicago has its good food, but not good diner food. Mmm this is so f.u.c.king good."

"Nice to see your appet.i.te hasn't gone anywhere," he looked at me with fake disgust as I stuffed more food into my mouth and followed it up with some chocolate shake.

"What's in the brown bag?" I stopped chewing and pointed to the bag he was holding.

"I replaced your spilled vodka."

"I'm not going to drink that," I said after swallowing my food.

"Why? It's your favorite vodka - cotton candy flavor."

"You and me with alcohol makes matters...gray."

"Gray matter isn't all bad all of the time."

I looked at his chest muscles bulging against his black tee s.h.i.+rt and his biceps stretching the fabric.

"I can't drink right now," I said, tearing my eyes away with a loud sigh.

He put the bag down on the coffee table and sat down on the couch.

"Maybe you'll change your mind."

"Don't count on it," I said from the kitchenette where I got paper plates and plastic forks.

I sat down in the chair instead of the couch, ignoring Kyle's looks of disappointment. We ate in silence for a while. My eyes kept roaming from the vodka to Kyle. To the vodka, back to Kyle. Vodka, Kyle. Kyle, vodka. I wasn't sure which one I wanted most. It had been a good long time since I really enjoyed vodka. It had been only a little less time since I really enjoyed Kyle.

s.h.i.+t.

"I can almost see the gears turning in your head," Kyle said. "You're thinking about how much you want some vodka." He took the vodka out of the bag and held it on display. "You're also thinking about how much you want some Kyle. You can't decide which one you want more."

"f.u.c.k off, d.i.c.k."

He grinned. "I miss your potty mouth. Besides hookers, I don't know any other woman who uses such colorful language."

"How many hookers do you know?"

"One or two."