Accidentally On Purpose Part 25

Chapter Thirty-Two

"It doesn't matter to me. I already love this baby like my own, and we're going to raise him together, as a family."

Kyle had said that a month ago, the night he returned from Fiji, and found out I was pregnant. I had suggested a DNA test and explained why, but he had objected. He was disturbingly excited about the news, and started spewing off all kinds of plans for our expected child. I couldn't take it anymore and cut him off.

"Yeah, you know we're going to have a great time," I said with obviously fake enthusiasm. "You, me, the baby, and Jessyca."

He bit his lip, glaring at me as if I had just said the most offensive thing in the world.

"Give me some credit, Em, will you? Jessyca isn't going to have anything to do with our family."

"I really want to believe that, but I've been an idiot for all of this time."

"Here we go," he said, throwing his hands up in the air. "You know why things have had to be this way."

"That does not make it okay!" I banged my fist on the table, making the plate holding my hot bacon rattle. I took a deep breath, and a piece of bacon. "My point is, I have a hard time believing you're going to do what you say you're going to do, and I don't know if I want to wait for it to happen."

"So, what...you're just going to cut me out of your life?" he asked.

"I would rather be alone, depending on no one, than to depend on someone who is clearly undependable."

"You've given up on me on us." It was not a question, but a well-placed guess.

"Every day that I have to share you with Jess, I lose more and more of myself. I'm so knotted up inside from this relations.h.i.+p, Kyle, I'm not sure if it can ever be fixed."

He stared at me stupidly, speechless.

"You get so p.i.s.sed off when I make comments about your lack of action, but that's really not fair. I'm the one who should be p.i.s.sed off, and if I were the old Emmy, I wouldn't be standing here with you, like at all. You don't understand, Kyle, you are breaking breaking me," I choked on the last few words, unable to hold back the onslaught of tears and sobs. me," I choked on the last few words, unable to hold back the onslaught of tears and sobs.

Stupid hormones.

He held me for a long time, murmuring empty promises into my hair, begging for my patience and understanding, and insisting that the triangle would soon be dissolved and we would be able to get on with our lives. I know that he believed what he was saying, and that he really thought that things were going to change now, but I didn't have any faith in his words, and it was harder to admit the truth than to delude myself.

A week pa.s.sed, two weeks, and then finally a month. It was almost New Years and nothing changed. Kyle said he was trying to settle some business connections before he severed his relations.h.i.+p with Jess. From a business perspective, I understood, I really did. From a personal perspective, though, I simply saw it as another delay, another link in the chain that kept me bound to him.

I didn't visit my parents for Christmas because I had plans with Kyle, which he significantly altered at the last minute. I didn't bother to make New Years plans with him, and instead tried to make plans with my parents, but they were going to Chicago. I wasn't supposed to know about it, but my mom "slipped" in conversation. She offered to stay home or to come see me so I wouldn't be alone, but I lied to her, telling her I wouldn't be alone, that I would be okay.

I was feeling more and more depressed about my situation, and I thought of Luke a lot more than I ever had in the past. I wondered if there would ever be a day when I didn't think of him, now that I was going to have his flesh and blood with me for the rest of my life. I was losing sleep, this time with actual anxiety, not just the fluttering of the active child growing inside of me. My appet.i.te was lacking, bacon and cheese curls wasn't even doing it for me anymore. When I should have been gaining a little bit of weight, I was dropping it. I was always good at hiding my emotions in public, especially at work, but I was so overwhelmed, so weighed down by it all, I didn't have the strength anymore to put up appearances. It was also becoming impossible to hide my swelling belly, and I knew that people were looking at me, wondering first, what the h.e.l.l was wrong with me, why I looked so miserable, and second, who the father was.

My work started to suffer, so much that Kyle delegated most of my tasks to Eliza, and delegated her tasks to the a.s.sistants I had hired. I didn't even know why I was showing up anymore, I barely did anything. So, one day when Walter Sterling called me to his office, I really thought that he was going to fire me, or take away my position and put me back in the mailroom.

"Would you like a drink, Emmy?" Mr. Sterling asked, pouring himself a drink.

In the past, I wouldn't have dreamed of accepting a drink from him, in his office. I would have been ridiculously professional, stiff as his drink. But that was then. I couldn't drink the alcohol, I had done enough of that before I knew I was pregnant, just another thing to worry about. Had I damaged my baby? Eric couldn't give me a positive answer.

"I'll have water," I answered.

"Well, that's different."

He handed me a gla.s.s of cold water, and silently we watched the streets below out of his floor to ceiling, wall to wall window.

"How is your family?" He asked.

"Fine, I suppose."

"Did you see them on Christmas?"

"No."

We stood in silence again for a minute or so. I thought about leaving, but Walter Sterling didn't call me to his office to look out of the window and ask me stupid questions.

"You have been having an affair with Kyle for, hmm...about a year now." And there it is. He said it so casually, we could have been speaking about the weather.

"About a year," I confirmed, still watching the streets below. "Another water, please." I held out my empty gla.s.s, but he was reluctant to take it. I was well aware of the irony of the situation. I should have been catering to him, not the other way around and we both knew it, but he said nothing and refilled my gla.s.s.

"I really like you, you know, Emmy. You are the best administrative a.s.sistant in this building. I gave you to Kyle because I knew he needed you to get on track and stay there. You've done a d.a.m.n good job."

I stared at him, not because he complimented me, but because I wanted to know where this was going.

"I am confused as to where this is going," I said, not too kindly. "How did we segway from my affair with Kyle to my work? Are you firing me?"

"Fire you? No, of course not. Firing you would bring questions and unwanted attention and we don't need any more more of that right now," he nodded to my pregnant belly. "Besides, I've always wanted you to stay with the company, to grow here." of that right now," he nodded to my pregnant belly. "Besides, I've always wanted you to stay with the company, to grow here."

"Then what do you want, Walter Walter?" I've never in my life addressed him by his first name.

"You're making Kyle lose focus of what's most important. He should already be married by now, having children with Jessyca Venner, not you." His tone was still so casual, that it was making me a little queasy. I never thought that this man who I had always thought well of could be so evil under it all.

"What if he doesn't want the b.i.t.c.h?" I asked.

"It doesn't really matter if he wants the b.i.t.c.h or not. There is a lot of money riding on their inevitable nuptials, a lot of money and the birth of a whole new era here at Sterling Corp."

"Don't you think that's a lot of pressure to put on one person?"

"He was fine until he started s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g you. You've got him all wrapped up in you, he can't see or think straight."

"Some may say the man is in love."

"And I would agree, but he has a duty to two families."

"Does Jess know she's someone's duty duty?"

"Yes, she does, but she truly loves Kyle, and in some ways, Kyle loves her, but not the way he loves you."

"It doesn't matter," I said, putting my gla.s.s down. "His 'duty' will win."

"With you and the b.a.s.t.a.r.d child around, he could delay this thing for an extremely long period of time. Timing is everything."

For the first time, I felt an emotional response directed at my baby. I put a protective hand over my belly, offended, and hoping his little ears did not understand the word b.a.s.t.a.r.d.

"I have to admit, I'm jealous," Walt chuckled lightly. "You're a gorgeous woman, with a fantastic personality, and I would bet thousands that you're an animal in bed."

"Don't tell me you want to take me for a test drive," I said.

"Who wouldn't want to? Even in your current state," He laughed. "But that would only further complicate matters, would it not?" He strolled away to the other side of the room, where he pulled a picture off of the wall, revealing a safe. I snickered, thinking it was cliche, obvious.

I stared out of the window while Walt rambled on about the good of the many outweighing the good of the few, or something. I vaguely remembered Mr. Spock saying something like that in a Star Trek movie, and thought how unoriginal Walter Sterling was.

"So," he said, with a finality that made me turn around. On his desk were four stacks of cash. I thought maybe he wanted me to go to the bank for him or something, but then it hit me.

"You're trying to pay me off?"

"There's one million dollars here. I will keep you on the payroll, also, so you won't be losing anything. You can eventually return to the company, or if you like you can just go work at one of our other locations, or not come back at all. I would understand."

"You realize that my own family is wealthy and I'm not in need?"

"Even the wealthiest of people aspire to acquire more money."

"What if I refuse your offer?"

"It never once occurred to me that you would refuse."

"You're a little too confident, don't you think?"

"Not at all. Let's be frank, Emmy. You don't like being Kyle's side piece, you know in your heart that he isn't going to commit to you. You're probably falling apart inside, wis.h.i.+ng you could escape, just disappear. It's better that you leave on your own than to be forced."

"You're forcing me." I whispered.

"I am providing you with a means of escape."

I was angry that he was offering me a bribe. I was more angry that I was thinking about accepting it.

"I don't trust you," I said to Walter. "And your ideas are total swiss cheese, anyone could see through them, and who does this?" I pointed at the pile of money. "There are hungry children throughout the city and you want to pay off your son's mistress. I feel like I'm in the middle of a daytime soap. That money is probably company money anyway, which means you'd just nail me for embezzlement. You're crazy."

"You thought about it," he said, not hiding his animosity for me. "You were going to accept my offer."

"I don't want your money, Walter."

"I have a confession, Miss Grayne," he said, pouring himself another drink. "It's really not my money or company money."

Now it was really turning into a soap, except I didn't need the TV guide to let me know who the possible culprit could be.

Chapter Thirty-Three

The bracelet sparkled in the sunlight, as I turned my wrist back and forth. Back and forth, back and forth, sparkle, sparkle. I twisted and sparkled until my arm got tired, and then I regressed to absent mindedly fondling the bracelet, while staring at the rolling green French country side, dotted with the occasional house.

I spoke French as well as I spoke Klingon, and I only knew some very bad Klingon words. Fortunately, the family that I was staying with spoke fluent English and wasn't at all offended by my lack of language skills. Helene and Marcus were friends Donya had acquired in her travels as a model years ago. When I literally needed to escape my life in America, Donya brought me to Helene and Marcus.

Helene was a photographer by profession and for kicks. Often, when I wasn't paying attention, she would snap pictures of me. There were several pictures with my hand resting on my pregnant belly, and just as many of me looking at the bracelet on my wrist. I didn't look happy in any of the pictures. I didn't look sad either, but I didn't look like my mind was anywhere in the country.

Helene's husband Marcus was from old money and didn't really have a profession, but he tinkered with various things: painting, writing, trying various musical instruments and during my stay his hobby of choice is designing clothing for my unborn child. Usually the item was missing something fundamental to wearing it, like an arm, or the hole for the head. One time the s.h.i.+rt had an extra arm. I always kindly pointed out the mistakes to Marcus. He would curse in Italian and sometimes try to rip it apart. I didn't take it personally. I once witnessed him destroy a flute because he couldn't master a certain song, and there were a few paintings around the house that had obviously received a swift kick from a hefty foot.

My time in France wasn't anything to marvel at, nothing exciting to report. Even though I had Helene and Marcus and their occasional visitors, I felt completely alone. I was very pregnant without a father for my baby. No Luke and no Kyle. I was financially able to care for my baby, but raising a child isn't something that I ever wanted to do alone, at least not under these circ.u.mstances. My heart was shattered and I sometimes wondered if there was enough of it left to care for a needy child. I was sure that I loved my baby, but I always questioned whether or not my feelings would shrink into resentment. The thought was unnerving, but I could not succeed in completely pus.h.i.+ng it out of my head.

Sometimes I didn't really want to go back to the states, back to the nightmare I created. I didn't want the stares of pity or to hear the sighs of disappointment, but my return was inevitable. My family and doctor insisted upon it, and truthfully, I didn't think Helene and Marcus wanted to deal with a screaming infant and the child's depressed mother. So, two and a half months after I arrived, my mother came to retrieve me. After more than half a day on a plane with her, though, I was ready to face whatever was on the ground for me in America.

I missed Kyle. I missed kissing him, with his fingers entwined in my hair, pressing on the back of my skull, reminding me that he was in control, and I always conformed with weak knees and bated breath. I missed his hand on the small of my back, guiding me in whatever direction he wanted. I missed his laughter, his smile, and his perfect brown eyes. I even missed the way he would look at me in a crowded room, in a way that only I understood: "I love you...I want you" and when times were rough "I miss you, I'm sorry."

The last time I saw Kyle was New Years morning. At the company New Years party, he had given me those looks, loaded with unspoken words and emotions after kissing Jessyca at the stroke of midnight. When she put her hand on his face, a dazzling diamond ring that could be seen from the moon nearly blinded me with grief. I had turned away, weaved through the bodies of people kissing or singing Auld Lang Syne, pressed through the drunkards and the single lonely people and flung myself out into the night. I stood on the sidewalk, watching people on the street celebrating the New Year, listening to cars honking. In the distance, at Penn's Landing, fireworks were booming in the sky.

I had forgotten my coat in my haste to get out of the party, and s.h.i.+vered violently in the night air while I waited for the valet to get my car. The coat was expensive but I wasn't going back in that place. I didn't want to run into Kyle or Jess or anyone else for that matter. People were already looking at me lopsided before, but the baby b.u.mp I was sporting gave people reason to openly stare at me and whisper with me in hearing range. Now Jess was rocking that rock, and I wasn't going back in there unless I wanted everyone to see how humiliated I was.

I dug my ticket out of my purse and handed it to the valet who was standing nearby.

"Do you want to wait just inside until I bring your car around?" He asked kindly.

"Oh, h.e.l.l no. I'm not going back in there. I'll be fine."

He shrugged and trotted off to retrieve my car. I hoped he wouldn't take too long so that I could leave before Kyle came out. Other party goers came out, some to smoke, others to also leave. No one paid me any mind, and I was fine with that. My car appeared at the same time Kyle stepped up next to me.

I glanced at him, but said nothing before stepping off of the curb and squeezing myself behind the wheel. He leaned on the door, preventing me from closing the door. I stared straight ahead, swallowing constantly, trying to keep the lump in my throat from exploding.

"I'm sorry," he whispered so no one out on the sidewalk could hear. "There's a lot you don't understand, that you don't know about. Jess has me by the b.a.l.l.s -"

"Clearly," I said, my tone sharp and insensitive, even though his was genuinely pained.

He inhaled deeply and let it out in a huff.

"Look, I will come over around nine and we'll talk."

"I won't be there."

"What time is good for you then? When will you be home?"