Jaguar Addams - Learning Fear Part 18

She looked at the snow falling outside her office window, sighed deeply, and turned back to her computer. One last onerous task to complete, and then she could leave.

She had been at it for no more than five minutes when she heard the knock on her office door.

aCome in,a she said, and the door opened.

She pushed her chair away from her desk and looked up at Alex. aIam grading,a she said. aItas awful.a He came over to where she sat and perched himself on the edge of her desk. aArenat you ever glad that you survive your own chancy life long enough to b.i.t.c.h about these irritating tasks?a aNow and then,a she said. aOr, rather, not now, but then I was.a She considered him for a moment. aI understand the Telekine and the military involvement are both being hushed.a aLike water on fire. As far as anyone will ever know, Professor Davis was your garden variety pervert, and youare the brave citizen who helped the University stop him. They are laying claim to a plan, but the publicityas still killing them. And President Johnston will announce her early retirement any day now. Nothing to do with the trouble, of course. Just wants to spend more time with the grandchildren.a Jaguar made a sound of disgust.

aExactly. I understand Katiaas spending the semester break on the reservation.a aLeonard told me,a she said. aHeall stay close to her. Sheas got a lot to heal.a aShe will, Jaguar. Not to worry.a aI know,a Jaguar said. She paused a moment, then continued speaking. aTheyare keeping the History of Empathic Arts course, you know. Theyave asked me to stay on and teach it.a aI know.a He did not yet ask her if she had accepted, and she noticed this.

aUniversities are amazing. They co-opt what they like least, to drive themselves crazy, I suppose. Or keep it under their watchful eye.a He nodded. aLike all good bureaucracies. By the way, I have something for you.a He reached into the pocket of his jacket and pulled out a letter, handed it to her.

She stared at it for a moment, then opened it and read.

A reinstatement letter from the Board, flattering and fulsome.

aThereall also be a raise,a he said. aAnd a new evaluation letter for your permanent file.a Her lips went thin and tight, and she tore the letter in half, crumpled the pieces, and tossed them into the recycle bin.

aSlimy b.a.s.t.a.r.ds,a she spit out. aThey want me back so they can try to kill me again.a aIs that what you think, Dr. Addams?a aItas what I think, Supervisor Dzarny.a aYou could be right,a he agreed. aMaybe this whole thing was a setup to get rid of you once and for all. An intricate plot devised by men with brains no bigger than the forms they have to fill out on your repeated excursions into regrettable behaviors. Thatas one possibility.a aWhatas the alternative?a she asked suspiciously.

aMaybe,a he said, atheyare just a.s.sholes.a She lowered her head, and let it rest in her hand. Alex watched her as he thought through his next words.

aIf it means anything to you, I want you to come back,a he said.

She didnat move. Didnat speak.

aIad like to tell you why,a he continued, and he saw her shoulders stiffen.

aAlex, I donat think we shoulda"a aI do,a he said. aUnless youave forgotten what happened in your chant-shape?a She brought her face up from her hands, frowned.

aYou remember, donat you?a aSome of it,a she said.

aJust some of it?a Her breathing marked a minute before she replied, aAll of it.a aAnd what you do at those times, what you saya"itas all true. Correct?a She nodded. She understood, and at least for now, she was sitting still with it. He allowed himself to breathe.

aJaguar,a he said gently. aI sent you here because I thought Iad be safe, if only I didnat look at the truth. That was stupid. More than stupid. It was almost fatal. To you.a He reached over and brushed a finger against her cheek. She took in breath, but she didnat back away from the gesture. aThe truth is, something happened between us. It keeps happening. I canat call it back, but Iam not sure where to go with it.a aWhere do you want to go with it?a she asked carefully, looking carefully away from him.

Stick with the truth, he told himself. Just say it.

aTo my bed. To your bed. Any bed as long as youare in it with me.a He watched her reaction, which would have appeared noncommittal to any eyes but his. She bit her lip. Lowered her eyes. Considered her hands. Was silent. But he could feel her breath quickening. Thoughts moving like fire behind the lowered eyes. He waited.

aIt would change everything,a she said softly, hands quiet in her lap, eyes quiet in her face. aYou know that.a She turned her face up to his, and he read the jungle of fear in it. aItas like the chant-shape. What you feel, what I feela"once we let it out, thereas no telling what itall do.a aI know,a he said. aAnd I canat guarantee safety. Either we give ourselves to it and hope for the best, or not.a She turned her hands up on her lap and stared into her palms. Looking for answers, perhaps.

aAnd you would choose that risk?a she asked.

aIt chose me,a he said. aA long time ago. I just stopped running away from it.a aWhat if I havenat?a she asked.

aThen you havenat. I wonat try to stop you. Youave got to choose for yourself. What you want. What youare willing to risk. Whatever choice you make, youare still the best Teacher on Planetoid 3, Zone 12, and I feel privileged to work with you.a She smoothed her finger against her lips, silent. Trying to find a way to quieter ground, he supposed. Her computer, tired of waiting, beeped at her. She smiled wryly. aI have to finish my grades,a she said.

aIf you want, I can wait,a he said. He spoke deliberately so she would understand the full weight of his words.

aI wouldnat ask you to do that,a she said, just as deliberately.

aYou wouldnat have to,a he replied.

She turned her face to his. aIt might take a while.a aThatas okay,a he said. aI have time.a He felt the brief pull and release of her eyes. Then she turned back to the computer and began punching in letters. Conservative radicals. Radical conservatives. Shead had enough of them.

She punched in the letter A next to each studentas name. Even Katia and Steve. When she was finished, she looked up at Alex.

aWhen can we go back home?a she asked.

He allowed himself a smile.

aWhenever youare ready, Dr. Addams.a