Things I've Learned From Women Who've Dumped Me Part 2

Staring at TV. Blood beginning to boil.

ME ME Hey? Where are you? I'm at home waiting. Hey? Where are you? I'm at home waiting.

DECEMBER 31 - 7:40 p.m.

ME ME It's David. Where are you? Call me. It's David. Where are you? Call me.

DECEMBER 31 - 7:58 p.m.

ME ME Okay, I don't know where you are. I'm gonna go to my friend Marisa's party. But I have my cell, so call me. Please. Okay, I don't know where you are. I'm gonna go to my friend Marisa's party. But I have my cell, so call me. Please. DECEMBER 31 - 9:00 p.m. DECEMBER 31 - 9:00 p.m.

At Marisa's sitting on the coats, on the bed.

ME ME Hey, I hope you're okay. I'm at Marisa's. You have the address but I also texted it to you . . . along with the number for the land line. Call me! Hey, I hope you're okay. I'm at Marisa's. You have the address but I also texted it to you . . . along with the number for the land line. Call me!

DECEMBER 31 - 9:45 p.m.

ME ME Where the f.u.c.k are you? Where the f.u.c.k are you?

DECEMBER 31 - 11:00 p.m.

ME ME f.u.c.k you, Debra. f.u.c.k you, Debra.

DECEMBER 31 - 11:59 p.m.

ME ME Well I don't know where you are but it's about ten seconds until the New Year, and I hope you're having fun. 5-4-3-2-1 and hey! Suck my c.o.c.k, b.i.t.c.h! Good-bye. Well I don't know where you are but it's about ten seconds until the New Year, and I hope you're having fun. 5-4-3-2-1 and hey! Suck my c.o.c.k, b.i.t.c.h! Good-bye.

JANUARY 1 - 2:38 a.m.

Outside on the street. No cabs. So cold I take a p.i.s.s and it freezes upon hitting the street sign.

DEBRA DEBRA h.e.l.lo??? h.e.l.lo??? ME ME Hey. Hey. DEBRA DEBRA David Wain! Hey! David Wain! Where have you been all night? I've been meaning to call you! David Wain! Hey! David Wain! Where have you been all night? I've been meaning to call you!

She sounds drunk, at least.

ME ME Have you? Have you? DEBRA DEBRA I had the most insane night. I think I'm on 'shrooms. I had the most insane night. I think I'm on 'shrooms. ME ME Where are you now? Where are you now? DEBRA DEBRA Walking my dog. Gotta go to sleep. Walking my dog. Gotta go to sleep. ME ME You blew me off! You blew me off! DEBRA DEBRA No, no . . . I was with these amazing people. You should have been there. We were dancing at this surreal party. Call me tomorrow? No, no . . . I was with these amazing people. You should have been there. We were dancing at this surreal party. Call me tomorrow?

JANUARY 9 - 3:00 p.m.

At home. Surfing the net (not p.o.r.n). Phone rings.

ME ME h.e.l.lo? h.e.l.lo? DEBRA DEBRA Hey, it's Debra, I just knocked on your door. but you're not home. Hey, it's Debra, I just knocked on your door. but you're not home. ME ME Actually I am home, and I heard you knocking. And I saw you through the peephole. Actually I am home, and I heard you knocking. And I saw you through the peephole. DEBRA DEBRA I came over to apologize for New Year's. Will you let me in? I came over to apologize for New Year's. Will you let me in? ME ME Sure. Leave me a message and let me know when you want to come in. Sure. Leave me a message and let me know when you want to come in. DEBRA DEBRA I'm still in your hallway, just let me in. I'm still in your hallway, just let me in. ME ME Cool. Keep me posted, let me know. Cool. Keep me posted, let me know. DEBRA DEBRA Open the door! Open the door! ME ME Text me! Text me! THE END THE END

Lesson#5

The Heart Is a Choking Hazard

by Stephen Colbert

Author's note: In the service of this anthology, I was happy to write the following story. However, before I turned it in, I thought it best to hand it over to my wife to make sure I didn't reveal anything too personal, say anything defamatory, or in any way appear to be holding a candle for my former flame. As a result, the story has been mildly redacted, but the heart of it is, I believe, untouched.

When I was living in x.x.xx.x.xXX I had a girlfriend named x.x.xXX. I forget if it had an e e at the end. I don't think so. I like the name x.x.xXX with an at the end. I don't think so. I like the name x.x.xXX with an e e. And I x.x.xx.x.x her. But when I try to think of how her name was spelled, there is a little disappointed ghost sitting in the place where that e e would be. would be.

x.x.xXX and I met just after college waiting tables at x.x.xx.x.xXX in x.x.xx.x.xXX x.x.xx.x.xXX. She was small and blonde and very x.x.xXX and laughed at my Elvis Costello jokes.

In a lot of ways she was good to me. She got me to stop playing that game where you x.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xXX and stab a x.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.x as fast as you can, changing the order of x.x.xx.x.xXX so you don't get too competent at any one pattern. I guess I owe her one for that. Then again, she may have given me x.x.xx.x.xx.x.xX. The tests were inconclusive.

We dated for three and a half years, the last three of which she didn't really want me to x.x.xx.x.xx.x.xXX. I never got a real reason for that. Once she said x.x.xx.x.xXX to me was like x.x.xx.x.xx.x.x. Another time she said my x.x.xx.x.x was too x.x.xXX. I'd like to think one of those answers was a lie.

After three years, she gave me The Ultimatum: either we get married or we break up. I said, " x.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xXX, x.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xXX or do you know some other way to have children?"

x.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xX.

When I got back from the trip, x.x.xXX was waiting in her apartment with champagne-a x.x.xXXing split split of champagne, I might add-I guess she didn't want me getting of champagne, I might add-I guess she didn't want me getting drunk drunk. She toasted our time together and then broke up with me.

I x.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xX x.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xXX x.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xXX."

She disagreed and asked me to move my stuff out that night.

Unfortunately, x.x.xXX and I worked at the same restaurant. I was a lunch waiter, and she worked the dinner s.h.i.+ft as a x.x.xx.x.xXX. (I think she was x.x.xx.x.xXX with the head x.x.xx.x.x, but that is based completely on hearsay, and I hope x.x.xx.x.xXX edits that out. But if it is is true, and that humorless x.x.xx.x.xx.x.x, x.x.xx.x.xx.x.x did x.x.xx.x.xXX another man or true, and that humorless x.x.xx.x.xx.x.x, x.x.xx.x.xx.x.x did x.x.xx.x.xXX another man or men men at the same time I was waiting like a monk for her to feel like x.x.xx.x.xXX, it explains a lot. It would certainly explain how she got x.x.xx.x.xXX when I was on the road half the G.o.dd.a.m.n year and could count on one hand the number of times we x.x.xx.x.xXX. x.x.xX, I could x.x.xx.x.xx.x.x!) at the same time I was waiting like a monk for her to feel like x.x.xx.x.xXX, it explains a lot. It would certainly explain how she got x.x.xx.x.xXX when I was on the road half the G.o.dd.a.m.n year and could count on one hand the number of times we x.x.xx.x.xXX. x.x.xX, I could x.x.xx.x.xx.x.x!) Anyway, as a waiter, my one big meal of the day was after work, and by the time my employee pasta would be ready, she'd waltz in for the night s.h.i.+ft, looking x.x.xx.x.xx.x.x and x.x.xx.x.xXX, and I just wouldn't feel like eating anymore.

I lost fifty pounds in three months.

In those early days after she broke up with me, I would go for a long run every night before bed to try to kill my brain until dawn. One night before my medicinal jog, a friend called to ask if I wanted to meet up for a beer. He was finis.h.i.+ng a late s.h.i.+ft at a chophouse and suggested we meet at his apartment and go out from there.

Even though I knew that he lived right behind x.x.xXX's apartment, I agreed. Maybe x.x.xx.x.xXX. I'm not sure. But I ran over. (It was a short run. I had moved into her neighborhood after we broke up.) When I arrived he wasn't home yet. And because there were no chairs on his porch, I sat down on the decking and waited with my back against the door. From that low position, I stared out through the bars of his railing at the dark windows of x.x.xXX's apartment just ten yards away, x.x.xx.x.xXX she would come home soon, and I could x.x.xXX her from my hidden perch. Maybe I would x.x.xx.x.xX x.x.xXX. Maybe not.

Her lights came on. I could see straight into her kitchen as she walked in with a man (I think it was x.x.xx.x.xXX) and lead him by the hand x.x.xx.x.xXX. The lights went off again.

x.x.xx.x.xXX minutes later, the living room lights come on, and she came out of the x.x.xx.x.xXX wearing only x.x.xx.x.xXX x.x.xx.x.xXX. She got a gla.s.s of water and returned to the x.x.xx.x.xx.x.xX, taking a small sip along the way, no doubt to x.x.xx.x.xXX the x.x.xx.x.xX her x.x.xx.x.x.

The light went out again. They stayed out for the entire x.x.xx.x.x x.x.xXX that I sat there x.x.xx.x.xXX behind the bars of the balcony, watching the darkened windows.

I've never come close to drowning, but x.x.xx.x.xXX x.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xX x.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.x x.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xXX.

x.x.xx.x.xXX x.x.xx.x.xXX x.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xX x.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xXX x.x.xx.x.xX x.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.x x.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.x x.x.xx.x.xx.x.xXX x.x.xx.x.xx.x.xXXmesquite smoker x.x.xx.x.xXX x.x.xx.x.xXX x.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.x x.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.x x.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.x x.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xX x.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xXX x.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.x.

x.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xX x.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xXX x.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.x.

x.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.x x.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xXX x.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xX.

x.x.xx.x.xXX x.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xXX x.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xXX on the floor of her grandfather's cabin x.x.xx.x.xx.x.xXX x.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.x x.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xXX x.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xX.

x.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.x x.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xX x.x.xx.x.xXX?!!!!! x.x.xx.x.xXX x.x.xx.x.xXX x.x.xx.x.xXX x.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xX x.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xXX behind the Roman emperor on a chain.

Instead, I just sat there.

My friend never arrived, and I later learned that he x.x.xx.x.xX x.x.xx.x.xXX. Since then, he's become a committed Christian.

I was still in my running shorts, and the night was turning cold, so I finally pulled myself up and walked down x.x.xx.x.x Avenue toward my apartment. Halfway home, I pa.s.sed a storefront with the neon sign PALMS READ PALMS READ in the window. I walked in and a middle-aged x.x.xx.x.xXX woman got up from her couch where she was watching x.x.xx.x.xx.x.x-speaking TV. She led me to a small room down a hall and sat down across from me at a card table. She asked for x.x.xx.x.xx.x.xX, and I gave it to her. in the window. I walked in and a middle-aged x.x.xx.x.xXX woman got up from her couch where she was watching x.x.xx.x.xx.x.x-speaking TV. She led me to a small room down a hall and sat down across from me at a card table. She asked for x.x.xx.x.xx.x.xX, and I gave it to her.

She smoothed my fingers out on the table soothingly. After a quick glance at my palm, she looked up and said tentatively, "You are a x.x.xx.x.xXX?" I wasn't, but I didn't want to throw her off her game this early in the prophecy, so I said she was right. She smiled and nodded and soothed my hand again. With more confidence now, she said that she could see that I was x.x.xx.x.xXX x.x.xx.x.xXX but that I would soon x.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.x and in the years to come x.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.x.

She was right, on all three counts. I've never forgotten her words, although I've often x.x.xx.x.x I could forget x.x.xx.x.xXX x.x.xx.x.xXX. It's been seventeen years, and I've never x.x.xXX x.x.xx.x.xXX and I don't think I x.x.xx.x.xXX x.x.xX.

I'd like to thank my beautiful wife, x.x.xXX, for editing this remembrance. I'd also like to thank x.x.xX for x.x.xx.x.xXX me while she did. I have often heard that you never x.x.xx.x.xXX the people you x.x.xx.x.xXX. I don't know if that's true. I do know that I'll never x.x.xx.x.xx.x.xx.x.x that x.x.xx.x.xx.x.xX, and that's x.x.xXX enough.

Lesson#6

Don't Come on Your Cat

by Neal Pollack

In the summer of 1995, I learned my roommate was leaving town. I decided to get my own apartment, and I needed a companion, which, in those bachelor days, meant a cat. Soon enough, I found one. Gabby was an ordinary-looking gray tabby, though her mother, attacked by a black tom in an alley rape, had apparently been Siamese. After spending a few minutes with her litter, I determined Gabby was by far the most amusing.

My first few years with Gabby were a magical textbook of owner-pet symbiosis. There was always another cat around; for a few months, Gabby shared s.p.a.ce with my roommate's cat, Sylvie, a dyspeptic, smelly Siamese who liked no one but her owner and, to everyone's surprise, Gabby. Then I acquired Zimmy, a sorrowful creature with beautiful fur who liked to suck on her own tail. The two of them became close friends. Gabby was never jealous of the women who, on rare occasions, I brought home. She charmed all she surveyed; she was one of those cats who could be called, in that most backhanded of pet compliments, "like a dog." I concluded that she was the perfect pet, that she, in fact, had magical powers.

In 1998, I moved in with Regina, the woman who I eventually married. She had two cats of her own, both extremely needy, enormous alpha males. One of those, Growltigger, was an obese sweetheart with a congenital heart defect. He had the terrible habit of excreting a foul-smelling viscous white liquid from his a.n.a.l glands whenever he became excited, a process that Regina charmingly called "a.s.sing," as in, "Eww. Growltigger just a.s.sed in my hair."

Poor Zimmy shrank and metaphorically died in the face of Regina's monsters, but Gabby somehow struck a truce, even curling up in their fat folds on especially cold Chicago days. At the same time, though, Gabby became increasingly attached to me, probably for protection. She developed a habit of draping herself around my shoulders as I wrote at my desk.

One day, Regina said, "Why is Gabby licking your ear?"

"Really?" I said. "I didn't even notice."

"You and that cat," she said. "She's in love with you. It's unnatural."

"Don't be silly," I said. "She's just my wittle pet, aren't you, Gabby wabby?" And we nuzzled, to Regina's disgust.

In the fall of 2000, Regina and I moved to Philadelphia, for reasons I still don't quite understand. The incident I'm about to describe took place in our Philadelphia bedroom, illumined by the full moon s.h.i.+ning through our skylight.

I was having a s.e.xy dream, the content of which I don't quite recall. But I do remember feeling very warm and full and murmuring "Ohhhh," if not out loud, then at least in my mind. Then came release, and a gradual satisfied emerging into consciousness.

Mmmm, I thought to myself.

Wait.

What was that between my legs?

No.

Please, no.

I looked under the covers. There, at my crotch, was Gabby. Oh, sweet G.o.d, no! I pulled her out. Gabby's fur was completely slathered with my s.e.m.e.n.

My brain filled with equal parts disgust, sadness, and panic. Gabby protested grandly as I ripped her out of the bed by her underside to keep her from touching the covers. I held her in front of me at a careful distance, went into the bathroom, put her on the sink, and locked the door.

Out came a washcloth and soap. I turned on the faucet and started scrubbing. Usually, I'm proud of the fact that I'm able to come buckets. But it was making this job much more difficult.

After a few minutes, Regina knocked on the door.

"What are you doing in there?" she said.

Gabby mewed in protest.

"Is Gabby in there with you?"

I was a twelve-year-old caught masturbating.

"Go away!" I said.

"Neal," she said. "Open this door right now."

I could no longer live in my private h.e.l.l, so I let her in.