Things I've Learned From Women Who've Dumped Me Part 11

Introduction.

What is dumping? Why do people dump other people? Is it because they don't want to be with those people? Is it because they want to be with other people? Is the drive to dump an evolutionary adjustment? Did early man dump? By early man do we mean really hairy man? Hairy like my great-uncle Seymour, or even hairier? These are not idle questions. Just because I am often idle, it doesn't mean you have to drag the questions into it, call them idle, too.

In 1995 I was awarded The McDonnell-Douglas "Smart Guy" Fellows.h.i.+p to continue my work in the fields of Applied Desire and Advanced Biffing. My proposal centered on the notion of a Unified Theory of Dumping Unified Theory of Dumping, an idea first broached by my mentor, Dr. Benny Wallinger, and his research partner, Shem Orsley. Many are doubtless familiar with The Stanford Dumping Experiment The Stanford Dumping Experiment and the terrible effects it produced in otherwise healthy subject couples. Anybody unfamiliar with those unfortunate events would do well to consult Orsley's account, and the terrible effects it produced in otherwise healthy subject couples. Anybody unfamiliar with those unfortunate events would do well to consult Orsley's account, The Devil's Data: The Corruption of Benny Wallinger. The Devil's Data: The Corruption of Benny Wallinger. Though both scientists died some time ago (Wallinger at the hand of his fifth wife, Gwenda), and all of their research was discredited, the notion of a Though both scientists died some time ago (Wallinger at the hand of his fifth wife, Gwenda), and all of their research was discredited, the notion of a Unified Theory of Dumping Unified Theory of Dumping continued to haunt me, even during the completion of my major work, continued to haunt me, even during the completion of my major work, Bifurcations: Penile Duality in a Multivalent World. Bifurcations: Penile Duality in a Multivalent World.

Still, my research remains unfinished, and I fear my empirical powers have begun to wane. Herewith I offer my notes towards a Unified Theory of Dumping Unified Theory of Dumping with the hope that the next generation of scientists will not s.h.i.+rk from the task. Now that global climactic calamity is increasingly difficult to refute, it is imperative that the scientific community develop a workable theory of dumping so we may better understand why our society sucked so bad before it was completely underwater. with the hope that the next generation of scientists will not s.h.i.+rk from the task. Now that global climactic calamity is increasingly difficult to refute, it is imperative that the scientific community develop a workable theory of dumping so we may better understand why our society sucked so bad before it was completely underwater.

I'd be lying if I didn't also admit to a personal stake in this project. Simply put, I am not just an objective observer of dumping phenomena. I have long been a victim of our ignorance of their properties as well. Indeed, had I been born to a future age that better understood dumping, I could have been spared a great deal of suffering. But such was not my fate. Like Galileo and other trailblazers before me, I have martyred myself to a dogged pursuit of the truth, risking penury, calumny, and many other things that end in y. y. But until my dying breath I will endeavor to understand precisely which natural forces colluded to obstruct my happiness. But until my dying breath I will endeavor to understand precisely which natural forces colluded to obstruct my happiness.

The following cases are culled from my own experience, and are offered with the expectation that such anecdotal evidence is but the first step in the long march toward a comprehensive knowledge of dumping, a phenomenon I believe may turn out to be closely linked to certain unnamed vixens who, if you'll excuse such a flight of lyrical fancy in a man of science, thrill to heel-stab our trusting hearts like so many crush p.o.r.n gerbils, and then use the resulting organ paste to rouge their hideous death mask visages. In other words, I hope my notes will help.

Case #25 It was maybe the fortieth time I'd done that fake reach for my wallet in a restaurant. We both knew I didn't have any money. We were very young and not really in love but we liked to drink gin together and watch Star Trek Star Trek reruns and eat nice dinners and later have gin-soaked post-dinner Trekkie s.e.x. She was an extremely elegant woman. I know the reruns and eat nice dinners and later have gin-soaked post-dinner Trekkie s.e.x. She was an extremely elegant woman. I know the Star Trek Star Trek part might make some doubt me, but think of the body and poise required for those uniforms. I'm not saying she wore one. It's not my place to say that. part might make some doubt me, but think of the body and poise required for those uniforms. I'm not saying she wore one. It's not my place to say that.

She was witty and warm. Worst of all, she had money, and I had none. At the time I preferred to view it as "dining out on Star Fleet's tab," but I still wonder what made her buy me a really nice dinner thirty-nine times and then on the fortieth suddenly snap, say, "You know what, I'm sick of you reaching for your wallet like you have any money in it, and I'm sick of buying you dinner and gin and I'm sick of driving you around everywhere, even to go hang out with your friends without me, like you're my kid and you're in kindergarten or something. So I hope you enjoyed that sus.h.i.+ because I'm cutting you off. We're done. We're not going to see each other anymore. And yes, I'll drive you to Steve's house now."

Why did it happen at that dinner and not another? Did it have something to do with the Star Trek Star Trek reruns being on hiatus for a few weeks? Again, there is much to explore, but my scientific hunch is that there may be what can only be called a "tipping point" at work here, by which I mean precisely that: a point where it was inc.u.mbent upon me to offer to pay the tip. By my calculations I believe this occurred at dinner #38. Duck confit. reruns being on hiatus for a few weeks? Again, there is much to explore, but my scientific hunch is that there may be what can only be called a "tipping point" at work here, by which I mean precisely that: a point where it was inc.u.mbent upon me to offer to pay the tip. By my calculations I believe this occurred at dinner #38. Duck confit.

Case #13 Due to reasons I still cannot quantify, it is often the end of a relations.h.i.+p that allows one to register its prior existence. During junior high I was "going out" with a girl who made me put my finger in her all the time. That was our big activity. I didn't even do that much with my finger. We'd stare in each other's eyes and not kiss, and then I'd put my finger in her. She told me to never talk to her around other people.

There was a cla.s.s trip down to Was.h.i.+ngton, D.C. It was supposed to be the highlight of the year. The lead teacher on the trip, Mr. Matossian, told us it would be the "greatest experience of our lives." He made it clear that by the "greatest experience of our lives" he didn't mean our lives so far. He meant this would be the peak of our lives, and that everything after this would be pain and disappointment.

We were quite excited. The year before, according to rumors, a boy had been arrested for defacing the Lincoln monument with a t.u.r.d doodle. The cops, Lincoln fans, beat the boy with phone books. Only because Mr. Matossian had certain contacts in the law enforcement community was the boy released without charges. We were all eager to be beaten with phone books and then rescued by Mr. Matossian. I was also eager to put my finger in the girl the whole day's ride down to Was.h.i.+ngton. She made a big announcement about how she couldn't believe she had to sit next to a loser like me, but she'd also brought a blanket and as soon as our bus pulled out of the ShopRite parking lot, I went to work. The trip turned out sort of boring, but that was by far the greatest bus ride of my life. Maybe that's all Mr. Matossian meant.

But a strange thing happened afterward, or rather, the next fall, when we attended high school. We suddenly weren't doing that thing with my finger anymore. We lost contact with each other. I asked her what had happened, but she seemed not to hear me. She looked at me as though she'd never seen me before. At first I wondered if I was witnessing the onset of some kind of cognitive dysfunction, but it later occurred to me that, against all scientific probability, or at least in contradiction to my limited sense of these matters, she had been, in fact, using me. After further research, the idea that women sometimes use men, and not just vice versa, became quite apparent to me. Some of this research was personally quite painful, but I'd be lying if I said that, given the chance, I wouldn't conduct my studies all over again. Some pain doesn't hurt at all. It tingles.

Case #17 The preemptive dump, which can only be viewed as an evolutionary defense against the emotional calamity known as rejection, was first brought to my attention by a three-hundred-pound county shot-put champion nicknamed "The Sheik," though I believe he was of mixed Swiss-Swedish descent. The preemptive dump was just a folk tradition at that point, and had not been subjected to the rigors of science, but I immediately saw its potential for widespread, or at least repet.i.tive, application. We were in the locker room after track practice, and The Sheik stood at the mirror pinching great gobs of zit pus from his neck as he explained the process: "It's always the same, dude. You can see it in her eyes. She's ready to dump your a.s.s. You ask about Sat.u.r.day night and she says she's not sure. She might have to help her family get ready for her father's wake. That's when you make your move. Tell her it's over. Tell her to get lost. I mean, f.u.c.k that s.h.i.+t, right?"

I have initiated the preemptive dump on a few occasions, including once with a college sweetheart we'll call Melissa, though her name was actually Malissa. There are a lot of things I could tell you about Melissa, but suffice to say we were young and I was a boy and she was girl and I had a p.e.n.i.s and she had that thing that just wants a p.e.n.i.s to be in it immediately. I told her as much and she looked at me oddly. So, thinking of The Sheik's advice, I dumped her a.s.s, whereupon she said, "I don't know what you're talking about, but please step away from my carrel." I winked at her, and silently thanked my tremendous friend.

Case #37 A confession: the numbers I've been a.s.signing these cases are random, or not even random, but designed to make people think I've had more experience than is perhaps, technically, true. Why would I do that? To serve science, that's why. There are no ethics when the truth is on the line, and if I have to lie about how much I've gotten to get people to take my findings seriously, I will not hesitate. Still, do not be mistaken. I have not fared so poorly for a man in my condition.

This case in point, one to tantalize the pure math crowd, takes the form of a problem first advanced by my mentor Wallinger after a few games of racquetball, a long steam, and a half carafe of aquavit aquavit had, as they say, loosened his tongue. had, as they say, loosened his tongue.

"Tell me, buddy, how can a a be lucky enough to be even in the be lucky enough to be even in the same f.u.c.king equation same f.u.c.king equation as as b, b, if if a a can be described as mostly balding with soft furry t.i.tties, weird leathery patches on his inner thighs, and horned yellow nails curling from his feet like the claws of some fat, wheezing griffin and can be described as mostly balding with soft furry t.i.tties, weird leathery patches on his inner thighs, and horned yellow nails curling from his feet like the claws of some fat, wheezing griffin and b b stands for the few women you've, sorry, I mean, stands for the few women you've, sorry, I mean, a a has been with, nice girls who aren't even desperate teenagers from former Soviet satellite states? I mean, how does that happen ever?" has been with, nice girls who aren't even desperate teenagers from former Soviet satellite states? I mean, how does that happen ever?"

It's an important question, and it is a shame Wallinger's long-suffering wife, Gwenda, b.o.o.by-trapped his Rubik's Cube before he could examine it more closely. Until now the best minds have only been able to posit the conjecture that I, or, I mean, a a must go down on the nice girls for hours and then listen rapturously to endless litanies of their fears and desires, however trifling or superficial. must go down on the nice girls for hours and then listen rapturously to endless litanies of their fears and desires, however trifling or superficial.

There is some statistical truth to this, but there are more variables to consider. Some women dig a guy with furry t.i.tties. And I am a better-than-average listener. I once listened to a woman describe her relations.h.i.+p with her sister for over an hour. These facts cannot be ignored when advancing a unified theory of dumping, or really, a theory of anything. That s.h.i.+t was boring.

A Case for Further Study

My son was born nearly three years ago. Many are the nights I will return from a grueling day at the lab and he will be there, sitting in my wife's arms. He will stare at me unflinchingly while slipping his hand into my wife's blouse and ma.s.saging her b.r.e.a.s.t.s. "Go away," he will intone. He was weaned a long time ago. He just likes to feel her up. I am very worried for him, for I do not think he understands that eventually he will be unable to do this, that my wife will, in effect, dump him, disallow these fondles and caresses, much as she was eventually forced to do with Larry, our super, during a confusing time I'm not sure I fully understand. The potential ramifications are quite disturbing, and somehow I can't shake the image of those poor Stanford students all those years ago. Most of them recovered, but a few did not attend top law schools.

It's partly my fault, I know. I should never have had s.e.x with my wife. But I worry for the future of science, and our planet. The time has come for us to put petty grievances aside and join together. We must pool our knowledge for a better understanding of the neurological, ecological, and biochemical effects of dumping in all its forms. We must also explore alternatives to human intimacy. Some of these alternatives will reveal themselves after the scientific method runs its course. Other alternatives, such as being afraid to commit and having a very large dog in your apartment, have been with us forever. All avenues must be explored.

We need a unified theory of dumping and we need it now. Otherwise, we will have learned nothing from the eons of heartbreak our species has endured, and we will remain disastrously unprepared for what promises to be a very complicated dating future, where in all likelihood one's s.e.xual success will depend entirely on the slant of one's gills.

Contributors Stephen Colbert Stephen Colbert is the host and executive producer of The Colbert Report The Colbert Report on Comedy Central. on Comedy Central.

Marcel Dzama Winnipeg-born artist Marcel Dzama's art has appeared in hundreds of international exhibitions. In 2006, the IKON Gallery in Birmingham, UK, presented an early career retrospective of his work ent.i.tled "Marcel Dzama: Tree With Roots." A collection of his work, The Berlin Years, The Berlin Years, was published by McSweeney's Books in 2003. He has designed CD covers for Beck and the Weakerthans and ill.u.s.trated a children's book in collaboration with They Might Be Giants. Dzama currently lives and works in New York. was published by McSweeney's Books in 2003. He has designed CD covers for Beck and the Weakerthans and ill.u.s.trated a children's book in collaboration with They Might Be Giants. Dzama currently lives and works in New York.

Will Forte Will Forte has been a cast member on Sat.u.r.day Night Live Sat.u.r.day Night Live since 2005. He voiced Abe Lincoln on the series since 2005. He voiced Abe Lincoln on the series Clone High Clone High and appeared in the film and appeared in the film Beerfest Beerfest. He also wrote and starred in the film The Brothers Solomon The Brothers Solomon.

Bruce Jay Friedman Bruce Jay Friedman was born in New York City in 1930 and started his career as an editor and magazine and short-story writer. Friedman has published eight novels and four short-story collections, as well as a half dozen plays. His screenwriting credits include Stir Crazy Stir Crazy (1980), (1980), Doctor Detroit Doctor Detroit (1983), and (1983), and Splash Splash (1984), which received an Academy Award nomination for Best Original Screenplay. (1984), which received an Academy Award nomination for Best Original Screenplay. The Collected Short Fiction of Bruce Jay Friedman The Collected Short Fiction of Bruce Jay Friedman, published in 1997, contains fifty-seven of his stories, and Even the Rhinos Were Nymphos Even the Rhinos Were Nymphos, a collection of Friedman's best nonfiction, was published in 2000. s.e.xual Pensees s.e.xual Pensees, an erotic memoir, was published in 2006. His newest collection is ent.i.tled Three Balconies Three Balconies.

Matt Goodman Matt Goodman graduated from high school in the spring of 2007. He is currently enrolled at Swarthmore College. Goodman was the editor in chief of Sonny Paine Sonny Paine, a high school literary journal published by 826NYC, a nonprofit writing organization for children. Goodman is also an 826NYC volunteer. Check it out: www.826nyc.org.

Alex Gregory Alex Gregory has been a New Yorker New Yorker cartoonist since 1999. He lives in Los Angeles and has written for various television shows, including cartoonist since 1999. He lives in Los Angeles and has written for various television shows, including The Late Show with David Letterman The Late Show with David Letterman, The Larry Sanders Show The Larry Sanders Show, and King of the Hill King of the Hill. He has a wife, two daughters, and is an accomplished pilot. The people who harp on the fact that he has never flown a plane or successfully operated a flight simulator are just jealous of his innate flying skills, so if you ever find yourself on a plane he's piloting, just sit back and relax. It's all going to be fine.

Marcellus Hall Marcellus Hall is an ill.u.s.trator for publications such as The New Yorker, The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, The New Yorker, The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, and and The Atlantic Monthly The Atlantic Monthly. He is a songwriter and musician who, with the bands Railroad Jerk and White Ha.s.sle, has released alb.u.ms and toured North America, Europe, and j.a.pan. More about Marcellus Hall can be found at www.marcellushall.com.

Todd Hanson Todd Hanson is not only s.e.xy as h.e.l.l, he is part of one of the most respected comedy voices of his generation, thanks to his central role for nearly two decades now as a writer and editor at The Onion-America's Finest News Source. The Onion-America's Finest News Source. Other than that, he has never accomplished anything in his entire life. He lives in Brooklyn with his two cats, James Boswell and Dr. Samuel Johnson. Other than that, he has never accomplished anything in his entire life. He lives in Brooklyn with his two cats, James Boswell and Dr. Samuel Johnson.

Nick Hornby Nick Hornby is the author of the novels A Long Way Down A Long Way Down, How to Be Good How to Be Good, High Fidelity, High Fidelity, and and About a Boy About a Boy, as well as the memoir Fever Pitch Fever Pitch. He is also the author of Songbook Songbook, a finalist for a National Book Critics Circle Award, and editor of the short-story collection Speaking with the Angel Speaking with the Angel. Hornby is the recipient of the American Academy of Arts and Letters E. M. Forster Award, and the Orange Word International Writers London Award 2003.

A. J. Jacobs A. J. Jacobs is the author of The Know-It-All The Know-It-All, a memoir of a year spent reading the Encyclopedia Britannica in its entirety as well as The Year of Living Biblically The Year of Living Biblically, about his attempt to follow all the rules of The Bible The Bible. He is the editor-at-large at Esquire Esquire magazine. He sometimes writes about himself in the third person. magazine. He sometimes writes about himself in the third person.

Barbara Karlin Barbara Karlin was born and raised in New York City. Though she no longer lives there, her heart still resides with the Yankees, the Village, and Fifth Avenue. She currently lives in Boston with her spouse, Linda George. She is the proud parent of three wonderfully interesting and attractive children, any one of whom would be a great catch. She is the grateful owner of two very independent Cairn terriers.

Bob Kerrey For twelve years prior to becoming president of the New School, Bob Kerrey represented the state of Nebraska in the United States Senate. Before that he served as Nebraska's governor for four years. Educated in pharmacy at the University of Nebraska, Kerrey served three years in the United States Navy. He is the author of When I Was a Young Man: A Memoir When I Was a Young Man: A Memoir. In May 2005, Kerrey received the Robert L. Haig Award for Distinguished Public Service from the New York State Bar a.s.sociation, and an honorary doctor of laws degree from New York Law School.

Damian Kulash, Jr.

Damian Kulash, Jr. is the singer for the rock band OK Go, who's most recent alb.u.m is Oh No Oh No. He has won a Grammy, been published in The New York Times The New York Times, gotten arrested on Disney Disney property, and ridden an elephant. He lives in Los Angeles with his wife and two dogs. property, and ridden an elephant. He lives in Los Angeles with his wife and two dogs.

Sam Lipsyte Sam Lipsyte's most recent novel is Home Land, Home Land, a a New York Times New York Times Notable Book for 2005 and winner of Notable Book for 2005 and winner of The Believer The Believer Book Award. He is also the author of Book Award. He is also the author of The Subject Steve The Subject Steve and and Venus Drive Venus Drive. His work has appeared in The Quarterly, Noon, Open City, N+1, Slate, McSweeney's Quarterly Concern, Tin House, Esquire, Bookforum, The New York Times Book Review, The Quarterly, Noon, Open City, N+1, Slate, McSweeney's Quarterly Concern, Tin House, Esquire, Bookforum, The New York Times Book Review, and and Playboy Playboy, among other places. He teaches at Columbia University's School of the Arts.

Rick Marin Rick Marin is the author of the bestselling memoir Cad: Confessions of a Toxic Bachelor Cad: Confessions of a Toxic Bachelor. He has also been a reporter at The New York Times The New York Times, a senior writer at Newsweek Newsweek, and a pseudonymous advice columnist on men for a major women's magazine. He and his wife, Ilene Rosenzweig, live in Los Angeles with their two boys, Diego and Kingsley.

Tom McCarthy Tom McCarthy is an actor, writer, and director. He wrote and directed the BAFTA and Independent Spirit award-winning The Station Agent, The Station Agent, as well as the soon to be released film, as well as the soon to be released film, The Visitor The Visitor. He has appeared in such films as Meet the Parents Meet the Parents, Good Night and Good Luck Good Night and Good Luck, Syriana Syriana, and Flags of Our Fathers Flags of Our Fathers, as well as HBO's The Wire The Wire. He lives in New York.

Jason Nash Jason Nash is a writer, actor, and comedian. He is also the creator and cohost of the comedy podcast Guys with Feelings Guys with Feelings (guyswithfeelings.com). Nash was a cast member of the VH1 sketch show (guyswithfeelings.com). Nash was a cast member of the VH1 sketch show Random Play Random Play and has appeared on Comedy Central's and has appeared on Comedy Central's Reno 911 Reno 911 and and The Andy d.i.c.k Show The Andy d.i.c.k Show. He is a cast member on Comedy Central's Lil' Bush Lil' Bush and also provides writing and voices for the animated shows and also provides writing and voices for the animated shows Supernews Supernews and and The Superficial Friends The Superficial Friends. Jason lives in L.A. with his wife, son, and dog Hudson.

Bob Odenkirk Bob Odenkirk has written for Sat.u.r.day Night Live Sat.u.r.day Night Live, The Ben Stiller Show The Ben Stiller Show, Get a Life Get a Life, and numerous other TV shows and pilots. He created and starred in Mr. Show Mr. Show, which ran on HBO for four years. He also produced and directed the series Derek and Simon: The Show Derek and Simon: The Show for the website SuperDeluxe.com. He has directed the feature films for the website SuperDeluxe.com. He has directed the feature films Melvin Goes to Dinner Melvin Goes to Dinner, Let's Go to Prison Let's Go to Prison, and most recently The Brothers Solomon The Brothers Solomon.

Patton Oswalt Patton Oswalt is an actor, stand-up comedian, and writer who has appeared in shows such as Reno 911 Reno 911 and and The King of Queens. The King of Queens. He also provided the voice of Remy in the 2007 film, He also provided the voice of Remy in the 2007 film, Ratatouille. Ratatouille.

Neal Pollack Neal Pollack is the author of Alternadad Alternadad, a best-selling memoir in which he reveals that parenthood will not stop him from being a grumpy stoner. He's also written three books of satirical fiction, including the cult cla.s.sic The Neal Pollack Anthology of American Literature The Neal Pollack Anthology of American Literature and the rock 'n 'roll novel and the rock 'n 'roll novel Never Mind the Pollacks Never Mind the Pollacks, and he's edited Chicago Noir Chicago Noir, a book of short crime fiction. Pollack's fiction, nonfiction, humor, and essays have appeared in every English-language publication except for The New Yorker The New Yorker, and he also writes for about a hundred websites. If that wasn't enough to make you fall in love with him, he's also one of the creators of Offsprung Offsprung, an Internet community and humor magazine for parents or people who might someday be parents. Pollack lives in Los Angeles with his wife, Regina Allen, his son, Elijah, and his dogs, Hercules and Shaq.

David Rees David Rees is an artist and writer whose comics include My New Fighting Technique Is Unstoppable My New Fighting Technique Is Unstoppable, My New Filing Technique Is Unstoppable My New Filing Technique Is Unstoppable, and Get Your War On Get Your War On, which appears in Rolling Stone Rolling Stone.

Andy Richter Andy Richter went to film school and studied improvisational comedy in Chicago. He television credits include Late Night with Conan O'Brien Late Night with Conan O'Brien, Andy Richter Controls the Universe Andy Richter Controls the Universe, and Andy Barker P.I. Andy Barker P.I., among others. His films include Elf Elf, Talledega Nights Talledega Nights, Semi-Pro Semi-Pro, and a few without Will Ferrell. He lives in Los Angeles with all those other a.s.sholes.

Rodney Rothman Rodney Rothman is the author of Early Bird: A Memoir of Premature Retirement. Early Bird: A Memoir of Premature Retirement. He is the former head writer of He is the former head writer of The Late Show with David Letterman The Late Show with David Letterman. He was also a writer on Fox's Undeclared Undeclared. He has contributed to The New York Times, The New Yorker, The Best American Non-Required Reading, McSweeney's Quarterly Concern, The New York Times, The New Yorker, The Best American Non-Required Reading, McSweeney's Quarterly Concern, and and Men's Journal. Men's Journal.

Dan Savage Dan Savage is the author of the nationally syndicated advice column Savage Love Savage Love. His books include The Kid The Kid, The Commitment: Love, s.e.x, Marriage and My Family, The Commitment: Love, s.e.x, Marriage and My Family, and and Skipping Towards Gomorrah Skipping Towards Gomorrah. He lives in Seattle.

Adam Schlesinger Adam Schlesinger is a songwriter as well as the ba.s.sist for the band Fountains of Wayne, whose alb.u.ms include Utopia Parkway Utopia Parkway, Welcome Interstate Managers Welcome Interstate Managers, and Traffic and Weather Traffic and Weather. Schlesinger has written songs and composed music for films such as That Thing You Do! That Thing You Do! and and Music and Lyrics Music and Lyrics.

Andy Selsberg A long time ago, Andy Selsberg was a staff writer at The Onion The Onion. More recently, he has written for The Believer, GQ, The Believer, GQ, and and The Oxford American The Oxford American. He teaches English at the City University of New York and lives with his fiancee, Izzy, and a troublemaking cat.

Tom s.h.i.+llue Tom s.h.i.+llue often performs stand-up in front of large crowds of laughing people. You've probably seen him in lots of TV commercials. He's had his own Comedy Central stand-up special, and his live comedy CD, Overconfident Overconfident, could probably be found at iTunes or his eponymous website.

Paul Simms Paul Simms is a writer and director. He created the show NewsRadio NewsRadio for NBC and has also written for for NBC and has also written for Late Night with David Letterman Late Night with David Letterman and and The Larry Sanders Show The Larry Sanders Show. Simms has also contributed pieces to The New Yorker. The New Yorker.

Eric Slovin Eric Slovin is a writer and comedian in New York. As half of the comedy team Slovin & Allen he has made many television appearances including a half hour Comedy Central Presents Comedy Central Presents. He worked for three seasons as a writer for Sat.u.r.day Night Live. Sat.u.r.day Night Live.

Dan Vebber Milwaukee native Dan Vebber served His Country as one of the first editors of The Onion The Onion before writing for before writing for s.p.a.ce Ghost Coast to Coast, Daria, Futurama, American Dad, s.p.a.ce Ghost Coast to Coast, Daria, Futurama, American Dad, and other such programs catering to the valuable stoned-kids-who-light-their-farts demographic. He currently resides in Development h.e.l.l, where his projects include a stapled, Xeroxed packet of his cartoons rejected by and other such programs catering to the valuable stoned-kids-who-light-their-farts demographic. He currently resides in Development h.e.l.l, where his projects include a stapled, Xeroxed packet of his cartoons rejected by The New Yorker The New Yorker, due to be sent to his mother sometime in '08.

David Wain David Wain is a director, writer, comedian, and actor. He co-wrote and directed the movies Wet Hot American Summer Wet Hot American Summer and and The Ten The Ten. On television he co-created and starred in two series: The State The State for MTV and for MTV and Stella Stella for Comedy Central. He lives and works in New York and on www.davidwain.com. for Comedy Central. He lives and works in New York and on www.davidwain.com.

Larry Wilmore Emmy Award winner Larry Wilmore has been working in television for nearly twenty-five years as a stand-up comedian, actor, writer, and producer. He is currently the "Senior Black Correspondent" (after a brief stint as "Black Correspondent") on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart The Daily Show with Jon Stewart on Comedy Central. He has also most recently been a consulting producer on on Comedy Central. He has also most recently been a consulting producer on The Office The Office on NBC, where he has also appeared as a performer. Wilmore was also creator and executive producer of on NBC, where he has also appeared as a performer. Wilmore was also creator and executive producer of The Bernie Mac Show The Bernie Mac Show for Fox, for which he won an Emmy, an NAACP Image Award, and a Peabody; as well as executive producer and co-creator of for Fox, for which he won an Emmy, an NAACP Image Award, and a Peabody; as well as executive producer and co-creator of The PJs The PJs starring Eddie Murphy. He is currently writing his first book. starring Eddie Murphy. He is currently writing his first book.

Acknowledgments.

Honestly, I decided to do an anthology because I thought it would be easier than writing a whole book by myself. I was wrong. Compiling this was never easy and I was an idiot for thinking it would be otherwise. That is my first and foremost acknowledgment. I am dumb.

That being said, many people contributed in ways great and small to make this book happen. Comparatively, a relative few made it much, much harder. They will be getting their own acknowledgment in my follow-up project, You're Dead to Me You're Dead to Me. It will not be funny at all.

First and foremost, I would like to thank each contributor for their time, good will, and most of all for lending their prodigious talents to this project. The best people are usually the busiest, yet the collective you you made time for this. And not half-a.s.sed time. Real time. I sincerely thank you. made time for this. And not half-a.s.sed time. Real time. I sincerely thank you.

By far the person I would like to thank the most is Lauren Sarver. She has been dedicated, professional, diligent, good-humored, and 100 percent reliable. I hope they clone her, ethics be d.a.m.ned. Andy Selsberg is a gifted editor, a talented humorist, a great friend, and oddly, a skilled draftsman. All but one of those came into play during our time working together on this.

Jenn Joel provided many hours of support, counsel, and feedback-all of them useful. Same for Wendy Kirk, who is a spectacularly kind and patient human being. Also, she's great at her job. Lisa Leingang is awesome and helped far more than she thinks she did. I would like to also thank Paul Sahre for his eleventh-hour design wizardry. I almost ruined his trip to France and he was still very nice to me.

David Miner, Cliff Gilbert-Lurie, and Jennifer Fiore brought insight and expertise and the ability to explain what the h.e.l.l things mean to me. Thank you for that. Also thanks to Leslie Maskin and Sue Naegle for their perpetual support. Mandy Beckner and Will Reiser at Superego came in toward the end, yet still helped me improve this book tremendously.

At The Daily Show The Daily Show, giant kudos to Hillary Kun, who is the best at an impossible, often thankless job. Thank you. Also thanks to Kahane Corn, Jen Flanz, David Javerbaum, Rich Korson, Beth Shorr, and Jon Stewart. At The Colbert Report The Colbert Report, thank you to the unmatchable Meredith Bennett, Rich Dahm, Hilary Siegel, and Allison Silverman.

To Bob Castillo, Jimmy Franco, Ben Greenberg, Sharon Kra.s.sney, Anne Twomey, Sara Weiss, and most of all Jamie Raab at Grand Central Publis.h.i.+ng Grand Central Publis.h.i.+ng: I could not ask for a better environment in which to work. Seriously, I am contractually prohibited from asking for a better environment. I should probably not agree to that next time around. Doesn't matter, there isn't one anyway. Thank you.

For their friends.h.i.+p and guidance thanks to Josh Bycel, Izzy Grinspan, Julia Hoffmann, Aaron Lubarsky, Sarah Vowell, Paula Scher, and Stuart Zicherman. Stu's patience is a wonder of the world, like, right next to the Hanging Gardens of Babylon.

To my mom, my dad, Nanci, Lin, Julie, and David, if I've never said thank you for all your love and support over the years, then this is a pretty lame place to first do so. Hopefully, I have and this is just more like a public proclamation of something you all already know . . . right?

And finally, to Paola Guastini, te amo te amo.