Refusing to Serve Me? Then Off With Your Head! Chapter 1

Chapter 1 – Encountering an Old Friend, Old Friend is Enemy

The matter began like this, my family’s Xiao Huang stole a drumstick from someone else’s house, which resulted in me being shoved into prison.

Oh, of course, the happenings were a little more complicated than that.

The owner of the drumstick had been merciless, wanting my family’s Xiao Huang to compensate using his own leg.

I’d like to conveniently mention that my family’s Xiao Huang isn’t Xiao Huang the dog, but a person.

A drumstick and a person’s leg, how can they be considered equal?

Isn’t the drumstick’s owner trying to take advantage of me?  He’s a little too black-hearted!

But the drumstick’s owner evidently couldn’t recognize this point.  He’s at that stage of middle age where one gains weight.  With a stomach as big as a basket, he looks like he’s 7-8 months along and almost ready to give birth.  Twiddling the strands of rat beard under his chin and shaking his head, he conceitedly said, “A rogue from the back woods!  It’s best to hand him over to the county magistrates’s place for investigation!”

I rolled my eyes, showing my disdain!  If this had happened three years ago, I would have rushed forward to kick him until his intestines ripped and his stomach burst.  Although he made a great effort to appear refined, everyone knew he was just a ruffian who had presented his own biological little sister to the county magistrate to take as a concubine.  Only in that way did he gain his power of today.

Ultimately, I am the true capital city native; he’s the rouge who grew up in the back woods!  His whole family are rogues from the back woods!

It’s a pity that Xiao Huang was such a disappointment.  When the county magistrates’s cheap older brother-in-law ordered a group of ruthless guards to charge at him,  he just curled up and took the beating, his mouth still clamped on the drumstick, refusing to let go, wildly bursting out woo woo sounds, but in my ears, I heard it clearly as”Xiao Yi…save me!”

My heart suddenly gave birth to feelings of sourness that were unsuited to the situation. Normally I would be abusively scolding, conveniently chopping off that drumstick-thieving hand of Xiao Huang‘s, and then viciously kicking him a few more times, beating him until he became a pig-head, until even his real mother and father could not recognize him.

If the Xiao Huang from  three years ago, the one who had disagreeably placed his chopsticks down even after having picked and prodded at the great Chen imperial palace’s one hundred and eight royal dishes was capable of foreseeing today’s dire straits, I wonder if he would cherish those good days of the past.

So saying, Xiao Huang is actually a child emperor, surnamed Qin.

He is just like that Qin Hui emperor, who historically said “The people don’t have rice to stave off hunger, why not just eat meat?” His existence is equally unbelievable.

One side of my heart indignantly cursed “That’ll teach you to be short sighted and gluttonous. That’ll teach you to steal things.  That’ll teach you to complain that my cooking tastes bad…karma oh karma!  If you foresaw that you would be reduced to this state, that year, why cause the palace maids and eunuchs to have to persuade you to eat until their glib tongues nearly broke?”  The other side of my heart caused me to charge forward, and with one kick each, those guards were flipped onto their backs.

The county magistrate’s cheap older brother-in-law’s mother was celebrating her 50th birthday today.  Although this older brother-in-law has brought his wife and children into the city for quite a few years now, his old mother still cherished the rustic idea of being close to one’s roots, so she has never moved.

That county magistrate must really dote on his concubine, he even spent money to build the old lady a green-bricked, white-roofed residence out in the country, which just so happens to be about a ten meter distance away from the torn up house that Xiao Huang and I reside in.

Today’s wind just happened to be such that, as I was placing a plate of scorched stir-fried vegetables onto the table,  the smell of meat came wafting over and into the house through our four air-leaking walls…and thus, Xiao Huang left home to follow the smell of meat.

By the time I had angrily raked in a few mouthfuls of undercooked rice and given chase, Xiao Huanghad already acted, leading to the current situation.

That county magistrate’s older brother-in-law, having lived in the county seat for almost two years, receives a bit of respect, so has probably never had to experience this kind of indignation. Seeing me nimbly and matchlessly kick 7-8 guards onto their backs, a round plump face was suddenly angered into becoming the color of pig liver. It looked extremely festive, but the words that came out of his mouth didn’t match.

“Call everyone in the residence out.  If I cannot get these two intruders captured and put into the county prison today, I’ll write the character for He upside-down!”

This magistrate’s brother-in-law was surnamed He.

I was deep in thought about what character He would become after he wrote it upside-down, all the while fighting a group of over 10 guards carrying bo sticks and knives with my barehands.  Actually, this isn’t much.  Thinking about that year, when I was on the battlefield, I faced more than these 10 or so uncoordinated soldiers, and didn’t I still just…Sigh, a hero shouldn’t talk about past bravery.  I digress.

 Actually, I should also be blamed. Walking out today, I didn’t look at the day’s horoscope (We’re poor to the point of not having enough money to eat, where would we get the money to buy a horoscope calendar). Just when I was in high spirits, a “phew” sound flew by my ear.  I subconsciously dodged, looking over towards the sound of the falling arrow. In that moment, I lost my soul, foolishly freezing on the spot.

Right after, there was only the feeling of a pressure on my head, my hair tie falling off, hair tousling down in disarray.  Xiao Huang mournfully called out “Xiao Yi…..”  A stream of warm blood dripped down my forehead, covering my eyes, eyes that I painfully wished were blind.

The person who had shot me with an arrow was coming towards me with large strides.  He still had that appearance, the one that had once perturbed my heart many years ago, as outstanding as jade, light and nimble.

I stupidly stood there, subconsciously rubbing my worn old face, which after three years of suffering in the countryside, has aged beyond my expectations.

Encountering an old friend is indeed very awkward.

The ten or so guards who stood behind me took advantage of this opportunity, combined their forces, and immediately knocked me down.  I swayed for a bit before sinking down into the dirt, half my face laying in the ice cold mud, looking very wretched. A very meticulously made pair of deerskin shoes slowly came into my line of sight.

En, three years ago, my feet also wore such a finely made pair of shoes. It’s just, nowadays, what my feet wears is just a pair of straw sandals that don’t give any force when used to kick people.  It’s no wonder that I was defeated.

That person came closer and crouched down, the look in his eyes changing in a flash.  Nevertheless, he straightened and indifferently said, “County magistrate Wu, these people are important criminals that the higher ups are trying to arrest. Escort them back to prison and guard them well.  Don’t let them die!”

The grizzle haired magistrate Wu who was following closely behind, and whose stomach was markedly bigger than his brother-in-law He‘s, deferentially came up and flatteringly said “Yes sir! This one will immediately order someone to escort them down into the prison!”

I had heard that the current great Qi nation is ruling in a well-ordered fas.h.i.+on and that the world is at peace.  Even someone as old, as fat, and as stupid as him could become a magistrate?  I had thought that it would be impossible,under that person, for there to be such an idiot working as a magistrate!

Clearly, the affairs of life are indeed difficult to predict.

Two bailiffs, one on each side, clasped my arms and rudely hauled me up.  Just as I had staggeringly taken a few steps, Xiao Huang, with a throughly gnawed,extremely clean chicken bone in hand, licking at it with an unwillingness to discard it, came flying over with grease covered hands and clutched my lapels.  He loudly roared, “You can’t take Xiao Yi away.  After taking her away, who will cook for me to eat?”

…I was extremely regretful of how, back then, when leaving the great Chen imperial palace, I had risked my life to bring him out.

Here I am, fighting with others because of a drumstick, while he gnaws on said drumstick and observes the fight.  Even just the thought of helping me fight has never once crossed his mind.

That person glanced over Xiao Huang for a bit before coming to a realization. Letting out a quiet laugh, “Ah, if it isn’t his majesty!  Your servants had thought that you were buried in the great fire atChen imperial palace!”

When he laughs, that pair of gentle eyes become very attractive, the affection overflowing, almost as if he was looking at his biological younger brother.

Actually his inability to recognize Xiao Huang right away isn’t strange.  He has always had the ability to remember everything that he sees.  It’s just that I was incompetent in raising Xiao Huang, causing a chubby, white-skinned adolescent to turn yellow-faced and become malnourished.  Just the smell of meat can cause his eyes to turn green and his feelings to become uncontrollable.  Then, with the ragged clothing on top of that,  how difficult was it to imagine that this was the adolescent emperor that had once sat high upon the dragon throne within the Chen imperial palace.

Hearing these words, Xiao Huang looked him over, and after a long while, “It’s the older brother from the prime minister’s family! It’s brother Yan Ping from the prime minister’s family!”

I became even more ashamed, wis.h.i.+ng I could just die!

How could he act as if he was encountering an old friend, especially in such a stupid manner, as if his old friend would be the one to save him from this mess?

In the end, Xiao Huang and I were taken down into the prison.

The county seat is small, so the jail cells neighboring ours were packed full of people.  Only us two had individual rooms, put face to face so that we could see each other.  Although the cells were all equally stinky, it was evident that this was already considered special treatment in the prison.

The Xiao Huang of before was picky about his food, clothes, and living s.p.a.ce.  After three years of my forceful molding however, he has become trained to the point of being capable of adapting to any environment.  He again gnawed on the drumstick, probably not really hungry.  Laying down on a pile of hay that was in the prison, he quickly fell asleep, snoring loud enough to echo on the mountains.  Even the prison mice, looking for a night meal, were scared enough by his snoring to run away.

My sorry stomach was empty. I was so hungry that I couldn’t fall asleep.  Even though my head was roughly patched up by the soldiers, the hay beneath my body had an indescribably odd smell.  Pinching my nose, I sorrowfully thought back to the past.  Back then, father had always hoped that I would stand in the royal court and achieve greatness. Who knew I would end up in a confinement cell, down in prison instead.

As I was painfully remembering the food that, three years ago, would be on my family’s dining table, from afar came a burst of footsteps. Following the prison’s inner limestone, the sound pattered forward. The sound of these footsteps were light and nimble, and sounded very familiar to my ears.  I couldn’t help but be happy.

Once that person was close, I repeatedly shouted, overjoyed by this turn of events. “General YanGeneral Yan, I’m starving to death.  Quickly bring something edible over.  Starving me to death, you certainly won’t be able to give a good report.”

He paused in the middle of taking a step, clearly not understanding my petty desire, and even more so, not understanding where my violently surging enthusiasm came from.  Using a deep pair of eyes, he gazed at me for a long moment, probably thinking that I was truly incurable.  Then, putting on a cold face, he scolded “An Yi, can’t you grow some brains?”

I gazed over ignorantly, “I can’t even eat, and am close to starving to death.  What do I need brains for?”

His face exhibited disdain, clearly looking at me with the same eyes that I would use to look at Xiao Huang when he was being a fool.  But because Xiao Huang did’t really understand this eye expression, when I would look at him like this in the past, he would eventually jump on me excitedly and smear saliva onto my face. Despite my extreme anger, he would say, using an extremely sincere, extremely friendly, and extremely foolish expression of joy, “Xiao Yi, I know you’re the best!”

I avoided him, wiping the saliva off my face. “How am I any good?”

I clearly understood that he always spoke foolishly and wouldn’t say anything of worth, but annoyingly, I was taken in by him.

His eyes lit up, and he used his fingers to list off one-by-one, “If Xiao Yi wasn’t here, I would be incapable of completing the a.s.signment arranged by the imperial tutor.  If Xiao Yi wasn’t here, this palace hall would be very empty, and I would be scared when sleeping at night.  Most importantly…Xiao Yi is fragrant and soft, very comfortable to hug when sleeping.”

Fl.u.s.tered and exasperated, on his majesty the emperor’s royal dragon head, I gave a firm knock.  Furiously, I roared “Your majesty, your servant isn’t h.o.m.os.e.xual.”

He blinked a pair of black and white, clear, naive, and guiltless eyes, unashamed even when having to ask his subordinate for clarification, “Xiao Yi, what does h.o.m.os.e.xual mean?”