Titanic 2012 Part 20

"Up until that time, I'd never seen him. He had his own private office on the penthouse floor and only had contact with the senior staff and the firm's top clients. To be perfectly honest, I'd conjured up images of this real prissy prima donna."

"He wasn't?"

"No. He was about as far from the stereotypical male designer as one could get. And you'd be surprised how many aren't gay. Anyway, the client called the firm, demanding Matt take over the job, personally. The problem was he was already overloaded with four other major projects. That afternoon I received a summons to the penthouse.

"I was really nervous during the elevator ride up, checking and rechecking my clothes and makeup. I'd never been up to the penthouse, and it was a spectacular view. Matt's office occupied half of it, and when I was ushered into it, I was immediately struck by its cold masculinity. Lots of gla.s.s and steel. I also noticed there were no homey mementoes, no photos of the wife and smiling children.

"Matt was on the phone to the client when I walked in, and when he saw me, he stopped speaking, and I could hear the client prattling on through the earpiece. A moment later he said, 'Gotta call you back, Merv,' and hung up. When he stood, I nearly gasped. He was so tall, nearly six-foot-three, and he'd kept in shape. Yes, it's true. We girls are as looks-conscious as you guys. Anyway, he appeared to be about forty-five, and had iron-gray hair swept back into a ponytail. Most of the time I couldn't stand that look, but on him it was perfect, like some kind of Norse G.o.d.

"He came around the desk and took my hand in his, giving me a killer smile that made my knees weak. And those eyes of his, so d.a.m.ned blue."

"I take it you were attracted to him?"

Maddy nodded. "This doesn't bother you, does it?"

"No, go on."

"He led me over to a sofa covered in black lambskin and sat me down. 'Madeleine, may I call you, Madeleine?' he said. 'I'm in a bind here. That was Rudy's client and he's about ready to pull the job. You know it better than anyone and I want you to take it over.'

"I was stunned, and told him flat out I wasn't ready. He shook his head and began parroting back my resume. I was flattered he'd taken the time to learn my background, but that was Matt. Thorough. That was why he was the best. And the fact he trusted me enough to take over the job was the highest compliment he could have paid."

"So, you took it over?"

"Yes. And I had it completed two weeks ahead of schedule, and under budget. The client was thrilled, and so was Matt. He started throwing me other jobs and gave me an a.s.sistant. We began dating soon after that. It just seemed like a natural extension of our working relations.h.i.+p.

"Six months later we became partners, and a year after that we were married. On our wedding night, Matt told me he wanted five kids. He'd come from a big family, you see. And so that became our number one priority."

"Was it a problem?"

"We didn't think it would be, at first, but after almost two years of trying, we went to a specialist. Matt got a clean bill. It seems his sperm count was more than high enough. It was me, something I had long feared. You remember my saying that I dated a lot? Well, I was also a stupid kid who never used contraception. It was a wonder I never got AIDS. I never got pregnant, either. And I thought I was just lucky."

"So, what did you do?"

"We were referred to a fertility specialist who was using a new treatment, a combination of new drugs, that sort of thing. See, the problem with most of the drugs is the risk of multiple births. We wanted those five kids, just not all at once. And this doctor's program had a high incidence of single births. After spending the night talking about it, Matt and I opted to enter the program. I was pregnant two months later.

"Well, Matt was overjoyed, and wanted me to stay at home and off my feet. I told him to go take a flying leap. Business at Halsey & Regehr had tripled and he needed me to keep things from falling apart. I was touched that he wanted to play the chivalrous husband, but we had too much at stake. I worked right up until our son was born in August, 2007. We named him Rudy, after my old boss, who'd brought us together in his unorthodox fas.h.i.+on.

"The trouble didn't start until four years later. You might remember all the controversy about the fertility doctor whose patients began dying of ovarian cancer?"

"He ended up committing suicide rather than face prison, didn't he?" I said.

"That's right. And I knew something was wrong for about a month before I worked up the courage to see my gynecologist. Sure enough, she found malignant tumors in both ovaries. Matt was devastated, and scared to death. He told me the night before the surgery that if anything happened he wouldn't want to live without me. I told him to shut up and think about Rudy. That he would need his daddy more than ever.

"The next morning we drove to the hospital and I hugged Matt for the longest time. A part of me was scared I wouldn't come out of the anesthesia. I was both relieved and terrified when I woke up in recovery. Matt and Rudy were right there, and so were Mom and Dad. He'd called them and they'd taken the train in from Wilton that morning. They were all smiling. 'What, what is it?' I said.

"'They got it all, honey,' Matt said. 'They got it all.'

"I burst into tears then, for as wonderful as that news was, it was the death knell for me as a childbearing woman. And the real h.e.l.l was only beginning. I had a regimen of both radiation and chemotherapy. My hair fell out and I felt like s.h.i.+t most of the time. The real irony here was Matt ended up shouldering the entire workload at the office.

He was a real trouper and never once voiced or showed the slightest resentment. All he wanted was for his redheaded angel to get well. And then the bottom fell out of my world.

"Matt had been working late and he took the last train out to our house in Greenwich. The roads where we live are narrow and winding, and it was a Friday night.... He never had a chance. Some carload of kids drunk off their a.s.ses came careening down the hill leading to our house and slammed into his Porsche Boxster going fifty miles an hour.

"People said you could hear the crash for blocks, but I was asleep at the time, too tired from chemo and from dealing with a four-year-old to wake up." Maddy stopped speaking, tears sprouting from her eyes. "Oh, G.o.d, they wouldn't even let me see him...said he was too awful to look at. My handsome man was dead and mutilated, and I was all alone with our child, not knowing if I would ever be strong enough to go on."

"We can stop now, if you'd like."

"No, I want to tell this."

"All right."

"I don't know how I kept it together for the funeral, but Mom and Dad were terrific. They came and basically moved in with me, taking up the slack where I couldn't.

Gradually, as the days turned to weeks, I found myself feeling better physically, though there was a big hole in my heart. I threw myself into my work and it saved my sanity. Rudy was going through a bad time then, and I didn't know how to deal with it. Mom seemed to have a way with him, and I let her take over. Maybe I shouldn't have, but it was the easy way out, and things had just been too hard."

"Business was good, at least?"

"Business was great. I found I had a knack for selling, something Matt had always done, and the clients flocked to us. I hired on more a.s.sociates and immersed myself in it. Looking back, I know it was a mistake. For two reasons. I neglected my son, and the cancer came back. You see, they didn't really get all of it and what they missed bided its time, waiting for my body's defenses to weaken. This time it went into my lungs. That's why I have this scar, from the exploratory surgery. They just opened me up, took one look and closed. They told me I had maybe six months."

"When did you hear about t.i.tanic?"

"I guess when the news broke, like everybody else. It brought back memories of seeing the film when I was a teenager. Did I tell you it was Matt's favorite, too?"

"No."

"He'd loved it, thought it was one of the most blatantly sentimental movies in years. Called it a 'blow against cynicism.' He was right about that.

"Anyway, when I first heard about it, I thought it was all a joke, until I saw the footage of the launching. I'd seen Harlan around town at various charity functions. You couldn't be a successful business owner and not get invited. I called his office and he graciously arranged to meet with me the next day. That's when he told me the purpose for the voyage, and asked me if I was prepared to end my life."

"And were you?"

"Yes. I had no future, and I didn't want my son to see his mother wasting away, as I surely would."

I took her hand, feeling her warm flesh against mine. It didn't seem possible that this vital woman would be taken from me.

"Harlan's way sounded romantic and dignified," she continued.

"Only I didn't count on-"

"Me."

"YES!" she cried. "Now all I can think about is wanting to live! To be with you and see my little boy again!"

Maddy doubled over, and screamed a wordless howl of pain. I snapped off the iPod touch and went over to her, took her in my arms, my heart breaking along with hers.

16.

I don't remember how long Maddy cried, but I know I would have held her forever. I wanted to be her Galahad, but I felt helpless and humbled in the face of all she'd suffered and endured. And though my mind railed against all she had told me, I loved her all the more, for she was the most courageous woman I've ever known. After what seemed an exquisite eternity, her sobbing quieted and her breathing became slow and even. She stirred in my arms, then lifted her head from my shoulders.

"I'm all right now," she said.

"Are you sure?"

She nodded, wiping her red-rimmed eyes.

"Did you mean what you said, Maddy?" I asked her, my apprehension rising. "Do you want to be with me...and see Rudy again?"

The green of her eyes seemed to glow in the warm amber light suffusing the suite. "More than anything. But, Trevor, I-I don't have much time."

I caressed her face, tracing her jawline with my index finger.

"Maybe you don't, then again, maybe you do. Who the h.e.l.l knows? The first step is wanting it. I can't tell you how many times I've read or heard about spontaneous remissions. A lot of it has to do with mental att.i.tude. And they're always coming up with new treatments...."

Maddy nodded.

"I know all that, and G.o.d knows I've prayed for it.... But what if I'm not one of the lucky ones?"

I bit back the wave of emotion threatening to sweep over me, and met her penetrating gaze. "Then we'll enjoy every moment we have together. You, me, and Rudy."

She threw her arms around me then. "Jesus, you're too good to be true."

"No, I'm not. I stay up to all hours writing when I'm under a deadline, I'm crabby if I don't get my morning coffee, and I snore-loudly."

"Oh, really? And do you sit around in your underwear, too?"

"Every chance I get."

Maddy laughed, the gleam back in her eyes. "Oh, Trevor, I'm so glad you came on board." Then her expression turned serious. "What are we going to do?"

I told her about Harlan's plan to put me off in the lifeboat. "I'm sure he can spare the extra food and water, and with the satellite phone, and my laptop as a backup, we'll be rescued quickly. I'm feeling guilty, though."

"About what?"

"Come tomorrow night, you and I will getting off this boat, while everyone else...."

Maddy shook her head.

"You have to stop thinking that way. People have a right to decide their own destiny."

"Like this? I mean, it's one thing to sign a non-resuscitation form, or have your life support turned off, it's quite another to just blithely kill yourself."

"You don't know what it's like, Trevor. How can you? To know with dead certainty your life will be over in a very short time. All of us live an illusion, that we're somehow immortal, that it just won't happen to us. Well it does, Trevor, it does. And any way you slice it, it isn't pretty." She stopped talking for a moment, then resumed. "I know we've known each other for a mere instant of time, but I feel I can see into your heart. You're a compa.s.sionate man, who's weighed down by both society's conventions and a genuine desire to do the right thing."

"Only here, the right thing isn't so obvious."

"It is to me."

I frowned. "What are you talking about?"

"You need to make your peace with Harlan."

Maddy was right-again.

I wanted to go back, to talk to him, but I was afraid, afraid to see the horrifying mask of death his face had become, and I was afraid he had not forgiven me.

Maddy picked up the iPod touch and held it out to me. "Take this. Your book won't be complete without his story."

Right again.

"Maybe you should be my agent, instead of Marty."

"Who's Marty?"

"A royal pain in the b.u.t.t, and a good friend. Like you."

Maddy smiled. "You, too. I think that's why I love you so much. You're easy to like."

I took the iPod touch and headed for the door. "I'll see you in an hour or so. We'll have breakfast. For some reason, I'm suddenly in the mood for some obscenely rich food."

"Go," she said, laughing.

Outside, in the hallway, I steeled myself and walked back to Harlan's suite. The steward guarding the door eyed me with a neutral expression, and I was almost disappointed when he stepped back from the door without protest. "He's expecting you," the steward said.

I nodded my thanks and entered the suite, closing the heavy carved door behind me with a m.u.f.fled click. The sitting room was empty, and I wondered for only an instant as to where Charley had gone. I put him out of my mind, spotting the warm glow emanating from the master bedroom. I moved forward, the soft pile of the carpet giving under my feet.

At the bedroom door, I spied Harlan lying in one of the two twin beds, propped up on pillows covered with gold satin pillow cases matching the satin sheets. He gave me a weak smile. "Come on in, kiddo, I won't bite."

I moved into the room, his hollow eyes following me. The room smelled of fresh cut flowers and I saw a bouquet on the nightstand. But underneath that odor was something less palatable, a sickly, cloying smell reeking of death.

"I see you brought your witness," he said, referring to the iPod touch. "I guess it's time for my grilling, eh?" He laughed, bringing on a coughing jag. He pointed toward a carafe of water sitting on a silver tray across the room. I went over to it, poured him some into a crystal tumbler, then handed it to him.

"You all right?"

He nodded. "Never better, kiddo, never better."

I placed the iPod touch on his nightstand.

"We'll do a lot better if you confine yourself to the truth, Harlan."

"You sure you want it?"

I refused to take his bait, and sat down, fixing him with a level gaze.