Somewhere Inside Part 19

ON S STEVE B BING'S PRIVATE PLANE, Euna and I were given a separate room with two beds. I was exhausted after having not slept in three days. But I was too wired to rest.

Our families had packed a bag for each of us that was filled with snacks for the plane ride and clean clothes to change into. My family sent goodies they knew I loved, but ironically they were Korean snacks. Even though I hadn't been given anything like this in North Korea, it seemed too awkward to eat Korean-style popcorn at a time like this. I was craving a slice of pizza.

Euna and I sat at the front of the plane along with President Clinton, John Podesta, brothers Doug and Dr. Roger Band, and Justin Cooper. David Straub and Min Ji Kwon were sitting close by. They were all huddled around us with looks of concern. President Clinton asked us how we felt and wanted to know if we'd been treated fairly. I told him that while there had been violence when we were first apprehended, since then, we hadn't been mistreated. I was in a state of shock and disbelief that after nearly five months of being held captive, I was now looking into the eyes of the former leader of the free world and telling him our story. I wanted him to know how sorry I was that all of this had happened, but that I hoped his meeting with Kim Jong Il might have a positive impact on the state of U.S.North Korean relations.

I told the president that we knew for certain we were going home when we saw the photo of him and Kim Jong Il on the evening news. I commented on Kim's beaming grin compared with his stoic expression.

"I had to practice that," he said, smiling. "Seriously, I wanted to be very careful not to smile or smirk. Hillary and Chelsea had to coach me."

The president also told us one of the reasons why he thought Kim was so intent on having him make the trip. He said that during their meeting, Kim told him how much he had appreciated the phone call Clinton made to him to express his condolences when his father, Kim Il Sung, pa.s.sed away in July 1994. According to Clinton, Kim told him, "You were the first one to call me, even before any of my allies, and I've always remembered that."

I learned from President Clinton and his colleagues that, to their surprise, unlike other heads of state, who tend to make grand entrances with huge processions, Kim Jong Il had been accompanied by North Korean authorities who seemed very relaxed around the Dear Leader. When Kim arrived to greet President Clinton, the first thing he said, with great pa.s.sion and confidence, was "I've always wanted to meet you."

President Clinton commented on how important it was to have Dr. Roger Band present because he could evaluate the North Korean leader with a medical eye. According to Dr. Band, one of Kim's arms, which appeared to be immovable, seemed to indicate the effects of having a stroke. Clinton commented on how lucid Kim appeared despite his questionable health.

Apparently, when Clinton's team first arrived, a North Korean woman official rushed up to the group and asked about a letter from President Obama that she expected the group to have. I learned that delivering a letter from Obama had been part of previous conversations having to do with visits by other potential envoys, but it was never discussed or agreed upon as part of Clinton's visit. During the former president's trip to Pyongyang, no letter was delivered and no gifts were exchanged, save for a bouquet of flowers that was presented to Clinton as a welcoming gesture.

It is hard to overstate just how unique and momentous Clinton's visit was. Unlike a typical meeting that includes the former president, where his staff carefully crafts and prepares his schedule and security detail, visiting North Korea is like entering a black hole. There are no guarantees. While the former president always travels with Secret Service protection, the seven men accompanying Clinton had to take extra special precautions. The Clinton team, the Department of State, the White House, the U.S. Secret Service, and other U.S. agencies had to manage an extraordinary set of challenges and meticulously plan for best-and worst-case scenarios in order to pull off a kind of trip that had never been made before. On the plane I could see the loads of black bags that contained various communication devices and other equipment specially chosen by the Secret Service agents for this trip. I was told that while Clinton and his team stayed in a palatial guesthouse with ornately manicured grounds, one Secret Service agent stayed on the plane along with the two pilots for the entirety of the visit so as to make sure the plane was secure.

I was grateful to the former president and his team for all they had done for Euna and me. Since their visit to the so-called Hermit Kingdom was unprecedented, they were operating in unknown territory. I couldn't imagine the enormity of the risks involved and what they had to prepare for. I appreciated hearing some of what went on, but I know there was a great deal that happened in preparation and on the ground that I didn't know about.

It was fascinating to hear President Clinton's a.s.sessment of the reclusive Kim and his account of the balancing act he and his staff had to perform during their visit. He told us about the two-page itinerary that had been planned for his team upon arrival, including visits to various monuments. They politely excused themselves from the activities, saying they were too fatigued from the traveling.

Before President Clinton met us at the hotel, he and his staff were taken to a meeting with a high-ranking official, who, yelling at the top of his lungs, went into a tirade about how terrible the United States is and how much damage President George W. Bush had done.

Later that morning, John Podesta, Doug Band, David Straub, and Min Ji Kwon went to a separate "apology ceremony," which took place in the colossal guesthouse. President Clinton did not attend this portion of the itinerary. For safety reasons, the team made sure that no person was ever alone at any given time, so Clinton's top aide Justin Cooper stayed behind with the president in his stately quarters. The ceremony involved more irate North Korean authorities bas.h.i.+ng the United States and chastising Euna and me for our crimes. Clinton's team bit their tongues, smiled politely, and apologized for Euna's and my actions. They had one objective, and that was to get us home.

Aside from these formal bursts of outrage, the North Korean officials escorting Clinton and his crew were generally courteous and hospitable. Originally, the plan had been for only John Podesta and Doug Band to meet Euna and me at the hotel, but when President Clinton requested to see us, the North Koreans obliged.

The Dear Leader hosted a dinner for President Clinton and his colleagues that was also attended by North Korea's nuclear negotiator Kim Kye-Gwan, among others. The elaborate fourteen-course meal included steaks, fine French wine, and an entire fish for each person. It was clear the North Koreans had gone to extreme lengths to put together the lavish affair. During the meal, Doug Band quietly stepped out to call Secretary Clinton's counselor and chief of staff, Cheryl Mills, on the satellite phone the team had brought along. It was the only communication made between one of the Americans on the ground in North Korea and the United States. He wanted to let Mills know that they were alive and well.

"This is really something!" President Clinton said to us, beaming. "You know, when I got the call from Al and the request from your families to come here, I was talking it over with Hillary and Chelsea. And Chelsea said, 'Dad, you have to go. What if it was me over there?' When Chelsea said that, I knew we had to come get you girls. I'm so happy right now." Sitting next to him at that moment, I was captivated not only by the former president's charisma and electrifying charm, which is so often talked about, but by the real concern he has as a parent and a father.

President Clinton went on to talk about a special performance that Kim wanted him and his team to attend. It was an acrobatic performance featuring ten thousand children in a stadium filled with a hundred thousand people who were awaiting their arrival. Clinton pretended not to hear the invitation, and left John Podesta and Doug Band to do the backpedaling during dinner. While Kim Kye-Gwan, who was seated next to Doug Band, continued to insist that the group watch the performance, Podesta and Band took turns yawning, politely trying to emphasize how exhausted they were from the day's events. In the end, the team did not attend the grandiose performance. It would have looked bad to the outside world to see the former president yucking it up at a performance with the leader of one of the most repressive regimes on the planet.

President Clinton also talked about some of the recommendations he gave to Kim, including releasing a group of South Korean fishermen and a South Korean businessman who were also being held by the North Koreans.

"I told him, you see what happens when these girls go home and how the international community reacts," Clinton said. "You'll get a similar reaction if you release the South Koreans."

Clinton also advised Kim to allow Stephen Bosworth, the U.S. special representative for North Korea policy, to come to North Korea to discuss how the two countries could move toward getting back to the six-party talks.

Within six months of our release, Kim Jong Il acted on all of Clinton's suggestions, and following the trip by Bosworth to Pyongyang, North Korea seemed to be making real steps toward reengaging in nuclear disarmament talks. I'd like to think that President Clinton's visit paved the way for improved relations between the United States and North Korea. Only time will tell.

LISA.

MY PHONE RANG ABOUT an hour after Doug's last e-mail. "Li," my sister said, "I'm on President Clinton's plane!" an hour after Doug's last e-mail. "Li," my sister said, "I'm on President Clinton's plane!"

"Oh my G.o.d, baby!" I screamed. "Did you know he was coming?"

"No, it was a surprise."

"I'm so excited to see you!" I also told her that there would be media on the ground when she arrived and that she might want to express some words of grat.i.tude.

"Okay, I will," Laura said. "I'm going to try to get some rest. I'll call you in a few hours. Tell Iain and Mom and Dad that I love them and will see them soon. I love you, Li."

I could hear the freedom in my sister's voice.

"Oh, wait!" I interrupted. I couldn't let her off the phone without asking one more thing that I had to know. "What's President Clinton doing right now?"

Laura chuckled. "He's sitting right here with me watching me talk to you on the phone."

That made me smile.

LAURA.

WHEN I I HUNG UP HUNG UP the phone with Lisa, President Clinton told me how well she had carried herself publicly, saying all the right things to the press at the right times. the phone with Lisa, President Clinton told me how well she had carried herself publicly, saying all the right things to the press at the right times.

"My sister is relentless," I said. "I couldn't have gotten through this without her."

We landed at an American air force base in j.a.pan to refuel and get some breakfast. It was our first non-Korean meal. I piled eggs, waffles, and fresh fruit onto my plate. David Straub had to advise me to go easy, that my stomach might not be used to Western food after having been deprived of it for so long.

Two flight attendants got on board with us in j.a.pan for the remainder of the trip. It was then that I learned that when Clinton and his team were headed to North Korea to retrieve Euna and me, they stopped to refuel in j.a.pan before heading on to Pyongyang. This was because they wanted to ensure that the plane had sufficient fuel so that they wouldn't have to purchase any gas from the North Koreans or to take any petroleum from them upon their departure. Additionally, the Secret Service agents felt it would be safer for the attendants to stay over in j.a.pan while Clinton and his staff were in North Korea. Having them in Pyongyang would only present additional liabilities.

When we were back in the air, I tried to get some rest, but the excitement of seeing my family kept me up. Justin Cooper told me that I could feel free to use the Internet, but the thought of browsing the Web for news or checking my e-mail, something I hadn't done in five months, seemed too overwhelming. As Clinton worked on his Sudoku puzzles and dozed off at the front of the plane with his gla.s.ses perched on the tip of his nose, I decided to write the speech that I was expected to give upon our arrival. Not knowing if anything I was writing was sounding coherent, I read the speech to John Podesta and Doug Band and called Lisa to go over it with her on the phone.

At the back of the plane, I changed into some clean clothes that my family had sent along. As we made our way closer to California, a strange feeling washed over me. I found myself wanting the ride to last a little longer. Though I couldn't wait to see my family, I was also nervous about seeing how they had changed. I imagined my father and mother looking older from worry. I wondered if Iain would look at me in my pale, weakened state and still have the same loving eyes as before. After being isolated for so long, I feared the throng of media that awaited us. I had spent a career reporting on other people and issues; now Euna and I would be the ones being spotlighted. I did not want that kind of attention. I called Lisa to calm my nerves.

"Don't worry about a thing, Baby Girl," she said. "We're all here waiting for you. Mom has your favorite soup ready."

LISA.

A CONFERENCE CALL WAS CONVENED CONFERENCE CALL WAS CONVENED with several members of the White House and State Department press offices at 7:00 with several members of the White House and State Department press offices at 7:00 P.M P.M. on August 3. It was decided that the press would be alerted around midnight that the plane was landing in Burbank. A member of the White House press office then said something that shocked me.

"We've asked President Clinton to remain on the plane while Miss Ling and Miss Lee come down to greet their families," the White House contact said.

I wasn't sure I had heard him properly. "Excuse me, did you say that President Clinton would be staying on the plane?" I asked.

"That's right, Lisa," the voice confirmed. "This is about the ladies being reunited with their families, and we'd like to have just them come down the steps."

"Uh...don't you think that would look really awkward if President Clinton doesn't at least come down after traveling all the way to North Korea to get the girls?"

"I'm sorry, Lisa. We feel strongly about this decision."

I was utterly dismayed by this. How would it look if President Clinton just stayed on the plane? What would people think? I was dumbfounded. I realized the sensitivities involved from a geopolitical standpoint: the U.S. government didn't want the world to think that North Korea had been rewarded by a Clinton visit. There's no question that rumors would fly from every direction about what the U.S. government would be trading in exchange for the release of the girls. I understood why the Obama administration wouldn't want to invite speculation on this, but surely President Clinton's absence upon the plane's arrival would provoke far more questions. Another conference call was convened at 11:00 P.M P.M. and the plan hadn't changed. I brought up my concerns again, but they were shot down.

"We feel strongly about the decision for President Clinton to remain in the plane, Lisa," a voice on the conference call firmly insisted.

Just after midnight, Laura called again. She wanted to discuss her speech and to make sure to get the names of people to thank. "Don't forget Amba.s.sador Foyer, Linda McFadyen, and Kurt Tong and the entire State Department," I reminded her, even though she had yet to meet Linda or Kurt.

She was going over her lines word for word. My baby sister had spent nearly five months in near isolation inside a totalitarian state, and now she had to give a speech that would surely be broadcast all over the world. It would be the most important speech of her life on the most important day of her life. I wished there was something I could do to calm her nerves, but my own were out of control. After going through it a few more times, Laura told me she was going to try to rest. She was suffering from delirium and exhaustion at the same time.

"Go to sleep, Baby Girl," I said. "I'll see you in the morning."

I couldn't believe what I had just said. But it was true. I would be holding my sister in my arms in less than six hours.

At some point, Kurt called to tell us to be at the Burbank hangar by 4:30 A.M A.M. The plane was scheduled to arrive by 5:00 A.M A.M. I got into bed excitedly, but I was still uneasy about the decision not to have President Clinton come down from the plane. I popped out of bed at about 1:30 A.M A.M. and fired off one last e-mail to my White House and State Department contacts.

Hi All,It's really late on the east coast but as someone who works in the media, I would be remiss if I didn't say one more time that keeping President Clinton on the plane may very well invite a whole s.h.i.+t-storm of speculation and chatter that you may not want. I'm fairly certain that he'd be fine with not saying anything, but to have him stay on the plane is just awkward.Obviously, the most important thing to all of us is to reunite with the girls, but from a public standpoint, I just think it would be so much cleaner to see Pres. Clinton, and thank him.In the end, it's not my call, but I feel compelled to put it out there again because I'm programmed to think about possible consequences of public appearances.Thanks everyone for EVERYTHING!!!

L.

I knew that pundits would be looking for reasons to pounce on President Obama. Speculation about why President Clinton didn't come off the plane would be like feeding meat to wolves-it was just the kind of thing they were looking for. I wanted to avoid that because people had been working too tirelessly to get to this point.

We arrived at the hangar promptly at 4:30 A.M A.M. Even at that early hour, throngs of press were lined up around the building. We were ushered into a room in the back where Al Gore, his national security adviser, Leon Fuerth, and Current's CEO, Joel Hyatt, were already waiting. We all embraced and then turned our attention to the TV that was tuned to CNN and carrying live coverage of what was happening just outside. I knew that a lot happened behind the scenes when Gore was trying to figure out a way to go to North Korea, so I thanked Fuerth for all the work he did that we weren't even aware of.

A woman from the State Department pulled me out of the room into the hallway to tell me something.

"President Clinton will, in fact, come out of the plane," she said.

I was elated and relieved. Laura and Euna would come down first and be greeted by their families. President Clinton and his team would then follow and stand behind Laura and Vice President Gore as they gave their remarks. After which, everyone would finally go home. It was a good plan.

I went back to tell my family and Al Gore that Clinton would be getting off the plane. Everyone was surprised to hear the news but thrilled nonetheless. Gore didn't say anything; he just smiled approvingly to say, Good job Good job.

We were now minutes away from the moment our family had been praying for after nearly five of the longest months of our lives. We were glued to the television in a way that I imagine folks were tuned in to the first s.p.a.ce shuttle launch. Iain was pacing back and forth in the back of the room. I walked over to him and gave him a hug. He was shaking.

When images of the s.h.i.+ny white 737 started to emerge, an official-looking person came to take us from the private room into the center of the enormous hangar. This is where we would stand to greet Laura and Euna as they descended from the steps of the plane. I was blown away when I looked around to see about one hundred television and photography crews roped off to the side. The camera flashes were blindingly relentless and it felt strange and uncomfortable to be on the other side of the ropes.

I told my family that Iain should stand immediately at the base of the plane with Michael and Hana. I wanted Iain's to be the first face Laura saw when she came out of the plane. My parents would be behind him. Paul, Iain's brother, Charles, and I stood behind with the Saldate family. Vice President Gore, Joel Hyatt, and Leon Fuerth hovered around our families.

LAURA.

AS WE NEARED the Burbank airport, the sun emerged and began transmitting a brilliant golden gleam across the horizon. Suddenly my uneasiness faded away, and all I wanted was to get off the plane. The jet pulled into Steve Bing's hangar, and peering through the captain's window, I saw my family instantly. I also saw Euna's four-year-old daughter, Hana. the Burbank airport, the sun emerged and began transmitting a brilliant golden gleam across the horizon. Suddenly my uneasiness faded away, and all I wanted was to get off the plane. The jet pulled into Steve Bing's hangar, and peering through the captain's window, I saw my family instantly. I also saw Euna's four-year-old daughter, Hana.

Once the plane was settled, a staircase was pulled up and the door was opened.

"You go first, Euna. Hana's waiting for you," I said.

Euna began shaking in antic.i.p.ation.

As I followed Euna down the steps of the plane, I was overcome with excitement. Iain's smile and the glimmer in his eyes awaited me at the bottom of the stairs. I couldn't help myself, and I threw up my arms in triumph. It felt amazing.

In Iain's arms, I felt like our world was starting to rebuild itself around us, that things would be normal again. I embraced my mother and father. As I feared, I could see the toll that my absence had taken on them. My father looked grayer; my mother seemed a little frailer. Then I saw Lisa. She, like all of my family, looked tired. We were all exhausted. With tears in her eyes, she hugged me and looked me over, wanting to make sure I was okay. I could tell she was searching me over, wanting to see if the old me was still there. Lisa then took my face in her hands and wiped away the tears that were streaming down my face. She asked, "Are you ready to give your speech, Baby Girl?"

It was time. I had spoken in English during my captivity-during the interrogation and brief conversations with my guards-but I hadn't spoken very much. There were days when I never uttered a word. Now, as I began to address the public, I found it difficult to conjure up and articulate my words.

I knew there were too many people to thank, and many more I would never know because of the behind-the-scenes nature of their work, but I wanted to make sure to thank Vice President Al Gore. Even when I was in North Korea, I knew he was working tirelessly to bring us home, and after our return, I learned even more about the work he did, not only to benefit Euna and me but also to rea.s.sure and comfort our families.

Many who witnessed our homecoming told me that seeing President Clinton and Vice President Gore embrace and stand side by side on that bright August morning was an uplifting moment-a reminder, during this tumultuous period of crisis in our economy and fighting overseas, of a time when things were better. For me personally, it was a symbol of brighter things to come. I'm not sure I would be home today without their help and kindness. It was the team of Clinton-Gore, or rather, Clinton-Clinton-Gore.

LISA.

AS SOON AS V VICE P PRESIDENT Gore delivered his final remarks, the press was led out of the building. Our family and the Saldates were left with President Clinton and his team and Vice President Gore and his. President Clinton was recounting some scenes from his visit with Kim Jong Il when Doug Band approached with a cell phone. He whispered something into the former president's ear and pulled him aside to take the call. President Obama was on the line. We were told that it was the first time the two presidents had spoken in quite a while. Gore delivered his final remarks, the press was led out of the building. Our family and the Saldates were left with President Clinton and his team and Vice President Gore and his. President Clinton was recounting some scenes from his visit with Kim Jong Il when Doug Band approached with a cell phone. He whispered something into the former president's ear and pulled him aside to take the call. President Obama was on the line. We were told that it was the first time the two presidents had spoken in quite a while.

President Clinton returned to tell us that the current president graciously thanked him for undertaking the private mission of bringing Laura and Euna home. Clinton said that he and President Obama had a "wonderful talk."

I also had a message on my BlackBerry from Secretary Clinton's deputy chief of staff Huma Abedin saying that she and the secretary had just landed in Africa for the U.S.Sub-Saharan Africa Trade and Economic Cooperation Forum, but they had all been "working on this as a team non-stop and anxiously waiting for the good news." She went on to say, "We are so relieved and are celebrating from afar."

LAURA.

AFTER WE LEFT THE HANGAR, I arrived home with my family and walked through the doorway of the house I had lived in for only four short months before my apprehension. Off in a corner was the area Iain had set up to write me letters and send packages. There were piles of photos, envelopes, a scanner, and items he hadn't yet sent. It was hard to look at these remnants of our life apart. To this day, I have not watched most of the media appearances my family made during our captivity. It is too overwhelming to see the pain they endured.

I sank into the couch in our family room. My family's eyes were all around me. They wanted to make sure I was okay, that I hadn't suffered any psychological or physical trauma. I later learned that Amba.s.sador Foyer had noticed my bandaged head during our first meeting. He had informed the U.S. State Department, but the information was not pa.s.sed on to my family. I'm glad they never knew about it during those long months of my captivity. I still experience numbness in parts of my head and face due to the violent blows.

I a.s.sured my family that I was okay, that being home was all the medicine I needed. My mother and father insisted on stuffing me with food. That was the way they showed their love. I had been craving pizza, and with the first bite of a pepperoni and cheese slice I was euphoric. My mother had carefully prepared a Chinese watercress soup in antic.i.p.ation of my return. It was my favorite dish and something that always made me feel better when I fell ill. With each mouthful, I felt more and more energized.

LISA.

THE RETURN OF MY SISTER to our family was the happiest day of my life. For nearly five months, a part of me was missing. At Laura and Iain's house, we all plunked down on the couches, transfixed by Laura's every movement. My sister is a California girl, and I'd never seen her skin as white as it was from being locked up inside for so many months. It was obvious that she was still in a state of shock over the events of the last few days. As she said in her speech to the world earlier that morning: "Hours ago, Euna Lee and I were prisoners in North Korea. We feared that at any moment, we would be sent to a hard labor camp.... Now we stand here home and free." to our family was the happiest day of my life. For nearly five months, a part of me was missing. At Laura and Iain's house, we all plunked down on the couches, transfixed by Laura's every movement. My sister is a California girl, and I'd never seen her skin as white as it was from being locked up inside for so many months. It was obvious that she was still in a state of shock over the events of the last few days. As she said in her speech to the world earlier that morning: "Hours ago, Euna Lee and I were prisoners in North Korea. We feared that at any moment, we would be sent to a hard labor camp.... Now we stand here home and free."

Despite her fatigue, she recounted some of what she had gone through while in captivity. A few times, Laura would lose her train of thought or pause for moments in silence when she recalled something that hurt her. It broke our hearts to hear of the abuse she endured when she and Euna were first captured. The details caused me to have nightmares about it for days. In some of the dreams, I became very violent with those harming my sister. But at the same time, I was heartened to learn of the caring relations.h.i.+ps that developed between some of Laura's captors and herself.

For decades, North Koreans have been taught to regard the United States as an enemy. Laura's stories were a testament to what happens when people are able to interact with others on a human-to-human level. When one is given the opportunity to look another person in the eye, irrespective of preconceived ideas about each other, things can often change, perspectives can widen. Though Laura is my little sister, I was in awe of how she handled herself in captivity.

Our family stayed at Laura and Iain's house until well into the night. We didn't want to be away from Laura for a second, but at the same time, we wanted Laura to have some private time with Iain, who had been quiet for much of the day. He just listened intently to his wife while lovingly stroking her hair and kissing her head.

When she called me first thing in the morning and said, "Hi, Li, it's me," I had to pause for a second and pinch myself, because Laura was calling from twenty minutes away, not a world away. Tears started streaming from my eyes when she said, "Come over!" It was only 6 A.M A.M. I rushed to her house, and later that morning my mom and I planned to take her to see our family physician, Dr. Basil. We were very concerned about the trauma from the blows she'd received to her head.

It was a great relief to hear Dr. Basil say that Laura looked like she was recovering just fine and he didn't think that any permanent damage had been done.

At the doctor's office, my mom and I stepped outside to use our phones while Laura was checked out. When I came back inside, I saw that the doctor had been briefly called away to deal with something and Laura was in the room by herself. The door was slightly ajar, and I saw my sister sitting alone against the wall. She had her head so far down that her chin was practically touching her chest. I immediately flashed back to the story she told about the officials s.h.i.+ning a light in her face to make sure she was closing her eyes and looking down whenever she was being transported around North Korea. As I looked at her sitting like that, a sadness filled me. I went in and lifted up her chin and said, "Baby Girl, you never have to do that again."

I thought about something our G.o.d-fearing grandmother told us when we were children: "When people are in trouble, they always look down, or to the left or right. All they need to do is look up, and eventually everything will be okay."

LAURA.

THE FIRST FEW MONTHS of being home were an adjustment period. It took me several weeks after my return to feel fully comfortable while speaking freely and openly. My family didn't want to leave my side, and I didn't want to be alone. Lisa came over to our house daily. She still does. of being home were an adjustment period. It took me several weeks after my return to feel fully comfortable while speaking freely and openly. My family didn't want to leave my side, and I didn't want to be alone. Lisa came over to our house daily. She still does.

Even though many people were eager to know what happened during our time in captivity, all I wanted to do was hibernate. I was also uncomfortable that my experience had become the focus instead of the plight of the North Korean defectors who have endured so much and whose basic freedoms continue to be denied. I spent weeks not wanting to leave my house-a kind of self-imposed isolation.

In my first few days at home, I made phone calls to various volunteers around the country who had organized vigils for Euna and me. It was touching to hear why some of these people, many of them complete strangers, got involved. David Ly from Los Angeles told me, "We're Americans. We had to bring you home." Meghan Miller Jedrzejczyk from Portland explained that she had lost a daughter and felt compelled to do something: "When your sister decided to share her voice, I saw her strength and was inspired to help," she said over the phone.

I broke into tears when I first spoke with Brendan Creamer, the main vigil organizer, who had ama.s.sed a network of people on Facebook to get involved. Lisa had written about what a force Brendan had been in her letters to me. He explained that while he didn't know Lisa, he had seen her work and was a friend of hers on Facebook. "I felt I had to do something more than just say, 'Hope things get better,'" he said. Brendan and these countless other guardian angels have since become members of our extended family.

A LITTLE MORE THAN LITTLE MORE THAN two months after my return, I started feeling some slight shooting pains in my abdomen. I wondered if it might be related to my ulcer. But for some reason, these bouts didn't feel like typical flare-ups. I figured it was indigestion and popped a couple of Tums to relieve the discomfort. Then, one bright Sat.u.r.day morning, it suddenly hit me. two months after my return, I started feeling some slight shooting pains in my abdomen. I wondered if it might be related to my ulcer. But for some reason, these bouts didn't feel like typical flare-ups. I figured it was indigestion and popped a couple of Tums to relieve the discomfort. Then, one bright Sat.u.r.day morning, it suddenly hit me.