Falling In Love: Why We Choose The Lovers We Choose Part 5

These correlations suggest that when we are looking for marriage partners, we eliminate first those whom we perceive to be inappropriate in the most important ways. They are too old or too young-"I never thought about him in a romantic way, because he seemed too old for me." They have too much or too little education-"I can't talk about issues that come up in my work with a man who didn't finish high-school and never reads." Their skin color, ethnic background, and religious background are too different from our own-"I could never get seriously involved with a non-Jew."

After pa.s.sing the initial screening, people look at the other dimensions of potential mates. Here too, the greater the similarity, BIRDS OF A FEATHER OR OPPOSITES ATTRACT?

55.the greater the chance that the person will pa.s.s the test successfully.

In the second screening, we a.s.sess basic values, similar social and economic status, personality, and behaviors. It would be very difficult, for example, for a liberal democrat to continue dating a racist fascist even if attractive and otherwise appropriate.

It is possible that underneath all these similarities exists a more basic, more fundamental similarity in genetic makeup. Indeed, a number of studies done in the last decade show that people are able to identify, and prefer as romantic partners, people who are similar to them genetically (e.g., Rushton, 1988).

Clearly, people tend to fall in love with, and choose as marriage partners, individuals who are similar to them. Fairy tales about great loves between Cinderella and the prince or between the beautiful call girl and the millionaire are very rare. This is probably why we enjoy hearing about them and seeing them in movies. In the original version of the movie Pretty Woman, Pretty Woman, the couple parted in the end. the couple parted in the end.

But at an early screening, viewers objected. They saw the story as a fairy tale and demanded an appropriate ending, which they got.

When such miracle romances do occur, they usually don't lead to marriage. On the very rare occasions that they do, the marriages are characterized by a high number of conflicts.

The greater the similarity between a couple, the greater their satisfaction from the relations.h.i.+p. People who come from similar cultural and social backgrounds have similar expectations and a.s.sumptions. This makes communication between them easier and prevents conflicts. They don't need to discuss who does what and how, these things are mutually understood and accepted. Similarities in att.i.tudes, interests, and personality also make communication easier; consequently, married couples who share these characteristics report greater happiness and satisfaction from their marriages (Caspi & Harbener, 1990).

From the long list of variables shared by couples, I have chosen five to discuss in detail. These variables play a special role in romantic attraction: similarity in appearance, att.i.tudes, personality, psychological maturity, and genetic makeup.

SIMILARITY IN PHYSICAL APPEARANCE.

A study done at a matchmaking agency demonstrated how similar levels of attractiveness affect the formation of romantic relations.h.i.+ps.

The agency gave its customers background information and a five-minute video of each potential partner answering a series of standard 56 questions. If the customer expressed an interest in meeting one of the potential partners, the agency approached the person and asked for permission to release his or her name and phone number. The agency used a grading system to evaluate how a romantic relations.h.i.+p was developing. When one party was interested but the other party refused to release the name, the relations.h.i.+p received the lowest grade.

After a couple had had two or more dates, the relations.h.i.+p received the highest grade. In addition, the agency graded each party's attractiveness in the video clip. The study examined the relations.h.i.+p between the attractiveness rating and the development of a romantic relations.h.i.+p. Results showed that the greater the similarity in attractiveness between a customer and a potential partner, the more likely it was that a romantic relations.h.i.+p would develop between them (Folkes, 1982).

Another study examined the progress of courts.h.i.+p by following couples for nine months. The more similar the partners were to each other in attractiveness, the greater interest they showed in continuing the relations.h.i.+p, the less likely they were to break up, and, with time, the more likely they were to express love toward each other (White, 1980). Other studies show that the similarity in attractiveness between a dating couple is smaller than that of a couple living together, and their similarity is smaller than that of couples planning to marry or already married (e.g., Brehm, 1992; Feingold, 1988). On those rare occasions when a significant difference exists between the attractiveness of romantic partners, it is explained by the exceptional qualities possessed by the less attractive member, as in the story of Beauty and the Beast.

With time, the role of physical attractiveness may diminish in importance. Nevertheless, when a partner's attractiveness changes drastically, it can have a major effect on the relations.h.i.+p, even after many years of marriage. A study of couples with s.e.xual problems demonstrated this. The husbands who reported the highest number of s.e.xual difficulties believed that they had remained as attractive as they were at the beginning of the relations.h.i.+p, while their wives had become less attractive than they used to be (Margolin & White, 1987).

WHY ARE COUPLES SIMILAR IN THEIR.

PHYSICAL ATTRACTIVENESS?.

Equity theory offers one explanation. According to this theory, when choosing a partner, it is very important to us that we feel we are getting someone we deserve. The more similar the attractiveness of the partners, the more the relations.h.i.+p is perceived by the couple BIRDS OF A FEATHER OR OPPOSITES ATTRACT?

57.and by onlookers as equitable. The more attractive men and women are, the more attractive are the dates they choose. The more unattractive they are, the more unattractive the dates they have to accept (Berscheid & Hartfield-Walster, 1978).

The second explanation addresses the positive effect of repeated exposure. From the time we are born, most of us are surrounded by family members, especially parents and siblings, who tend to look like us. This repeated exposure causes people to develop a strong preference and attraction for physical features similar to their own.

Indeed, there is far greater similarity between the photographs of married or engaged couples than there is between photographs of randomly selected couples (Hinsz, 1989).

A third explanation, is that, with time, couples tend to grow increasingly similar to each other. They eat the same foods, share the same leisure activities, and pay more or less attention to their appearances. When students were given yearbook pictures of couples who had graduated from high-school 25 years earlier, they couldn't guess who was married to whom. When they were given current pictures of the same couples, they were able to identify very easily who was married to whom (Zajonc et al., 1987). In other words, after 25 years of living together the couples came to look more alike.

Which explanation is correct? Probably all three. People tend to pursue and accept potential partners who resemble them, and, with time, people grow to look like their partners.

ATt.i.tUDE SIMILARITY.

After people have noticed and a.s.sessed the physical appearance of a potential partner, they go on to examine the persons att.i.tudes toward issues they care about. It is on this topic of att.i.tude similarity that most of the studies were done on the effect of similarity on attraction.

The conclusion, over and over again, is the same-the greater the att.i.tude similarity, the greater the attraction, and the greater the satisfaction in the relations.h.i.+p.

In thirty-five years of attraction research, Don Byrne (1997) showed that people are more attracted to others whom they perceive as sharing similar att.i.tudes. In an early study, he began by identifying the att.i.tudes of the students who were subjects in the study, and asking student judges to rate the physical appearance of each subject.

Byrne then separated the subjects into couples who were either similar or dissimilar in their att.i.tudes, and sent them on a date. After their dates, the couples who had similar att.i.tudes were more attracted to each other than were the couples who had dissimilar att.i.tudes.

58.The attraction was greatest when the date was physically attractive and and had similar att.i.tudes. In a repeat check at the end of the semester, those students who had gone out with an attractive person with similar att.i.tudes were most likely to remember the date's name and express a desire for another date (Byrne et al., 1970). had similar att.i.tudes. In a repeat check at the end of the semester, those students who had gone out with an attractive person with similar att.i.tudes were most likely to remember the date's name and express a desire for another date (Byrne et al., 1970).

Don Byrne has repeatedly validated his findings on the effect of att.i.tude similarity on attraction (1971; 1997). His studies took the following procedure. Subjects received a questionnaire in which they were asked about their att.i.tudes on various topics-for example, "Do you believe in G.o.d?", "What are your political views?", and so on. Later, while partic.i.p.ating in what they supposed was a separate study, the subjects were asked their impressions of another person and given a copy of that person's completed questionnaire. In fact, the questionnaire had been completed by the experimenter referring to the opinions expressed earlier by the subject. In some cases this questionnaire portrayed the other person as possessing very similar att.i.tudes; in the remaining cases, the other person possessed very different att.i.tudes.

Byrne discovered that the ratio ratio of similar to different att.i.tudes determined the level of attraction. The higher the ratio of similar to different att.i.tudes, the greater the attraction. Neither the number of similar att.i.tudes nor the kind of different att.i.tudes had an effect. of similar to different att.i.tudes determined the level of attraction. The higher the ratio of similar to different att.i.tudes, the greater the attraction. Neither the number of similar att.i.tudes nor the kind of different att.i.tudes had an effect.

This finding was replicated with the very young and very old, and with both men and women who came from different backgrounds and lived in very different situations.

The effect of att.i.tude similarity on attraction has been known for a long time. When Charles Darwin listed the causes for people's attraction to each other, similarity in att.i.tudes and interests was at the top of his list. Darwin also mentioned expertise or excellence in some area, returned affection, and traits that are pleasant or admirable, such as loyalty, honesty, and goodness (1910). We will get back to some of these causes of attraction later.

Dale Carnegie (1982), who gave millions of his readers prescriptions on "how to win friends and influence people"

recommended using the positive effect of similarity in att.i.tudes and interests. "The royal road to a person's heart is to talk about the things he or she treasures most" (94). If a real similarity in att.i.tudes doesn't exist, Carnegie recommended pretending that it does.

Why are we attracted to people who agree with us? Several explanations have been offered.

* A person who agrees with us validates our opinions. In other words, such a person gives us the pleasant feeling that we are right (Aronson, 1998). We are taught from a BIRDS OF A FEATHER OR OPPOSITES ATTRACT?

59.very young age that we can be punished for having the wrong opinions and att.i.tudes. Consequently, when we find that someone else holds the same opinion or att.i.tude as we do, our conviction that our own att.i.tude is correct is supported. Since it is pleasant to feel that our view of the world is reasonable and correct, such social validation is rewarding and, hence, an element in attraction (Berscheid & Hartfield-Walster, 1978).

* When we know a person's att.i.tudes, we can usually guess how that person is likely to behave. If a person perceives the world as we do, we feel fairly confident that it would be rewarding to spend time with that person (Berscheid & Hartfield-Walster, 1978). On the other hand, if he or she expresses att.i.tudes different from our own, it may suggest a type of person whom we have found to be unpleasant, immoral, dangerous, or just plain stupid (Aronson, 1998).

* If we love ourselves, it only makes sense that we will love people who are similar to us (Berscheid & Hartfield-Walster, 1978).

* When we learn that others are similar to us, we a.s.sume they will like us; thus, we like them in return. When we perceive people as different, we tend to avoid them and thus reduce the chance that they will pa.s.s through our other attraction screens (Berscheid & Hartfield-Walster, 1978).

* People who are similar to us-in att.i.tudes, personality, physical appearance, and background-seem familiar.

And as we know, the familiar is more comfortable and pleasant to us than the unfamiliar.

* We are more likely to meet and get to know others who are similar to us in familiar surroundings. People from similar backgrounds are more likely to live in our neighborhoods, belong to the same clubs, and attend the same schools.

Despite this logical reasoning, it should be noted that attraction is not always the result of a true similarity in att.i.tudes. When we like a person, we a.s.sume that he or she shares our att.i.tudes. If I like you, I just naturally a.s.sume that you hold att.i.tudes similar to mine and that our tastes and preferences are similar. The attraction develops an illusion of similarity, and the a.s.sumed similarity enhances the attraction (Marks & Miller, 1982).

60.The effect of a.s.sumed similarity on attraction can be explained by Balance Theory. Balance Theory. According to this theory, people strive to organize their likes and dislikes in a symmetrical arrangement that results in balance. When two people like each other and agree about something, they create a state of balance. When they like each other and disagree, there is imbalance, an unpleasant state that motivates them to do something to restore balance (Orive, 1988). According to this theory, people strive to organize their likes and dislikes in a symmetrical arrangement that results in balance. When two people like each other and agree about something, they create a state of balance. When they like each other and disagree, there is imbalance, an unpleasant state that motivates them to do something to restore balance (Orive, 1988).

One would a.s.sume that once we get to know people well, we would discover whether they indeed share our att.i.tudes. Yet, several studies have found that husbands and wives tend to a.s.sume that they are far more similar to each other than they actually are.4 In one of these studies, spouses were asked their opinions on various political issues, and, then, asked to imagine how each thought his or her spouse would repond. Results showed that the discrepancy between the real opinions of the husbands and wives was far greater than the discrepancy between their a.s.sumed opinions. It was also found that the more couples a.s.sumed that they shared att.i.tudes and opinions, the more satisfaction they drew from the marriage (Levinger & Breedlove, 1966). This suggests that a couple's att.i.tudes don't really have to be similar as long as the couple a.s.sumes that they are similar.

It is possible, too, that in the interest of harmony, husbands and wives tend to emphasize their similarities and conceal or avoid areas of disagreement.

One variable that plays a particularly important role as a predictor of marital satisfaction is similarity in s.e.x-role ideology (Grush & Yehl, 1979). s.e.x-role ideology can be traditional in a.s.signing different and complementary roles to husband and wife, and it can be egalitarian in a.s.signing equal roles and shared tasks. When both husband and wife share the same s.e.x-role ideology, be it traditional or egalitarian, they are happier in their marriage than couples who do not. The reason is obvious. When a couple agrees on the roles of men and women in a marriage, they significantly reduce the probability of conflicts.

Similarity in s.e.xual att.i.tudes also bears directly on romantic attraction and marital satisfaction (Smith et al., 1993). Discrepancy in a couple's s.e.xual att.i.tudes predicts s.e.xual dissatisfaction in both partners. Interestingly, the woman's s.e.xual att.i.tudes are a better predictor of s.e.xual satisfaction in both the wife and the husband.

Similarities in a couple's social and communication skills are also important predictors of attraction and marital satisfaction. These similarities promote attraction by fostering enjoyable interactions.

Indeed, married couples were found to be more similar in their BIRDS OF A FEATHER OR OPPOSITES ATTRACT?

61.levels of social and communication skills than were random, computer-generated couples (Burleson & Denton, 1992).

In summary, we like and are attracted to people who possess att.i.tudes, interests, and social skills similar to our own, and we perceive ourselves to be more similar to people we like and are attracted to.

SIMILARITY IN PERSONALITY.

The proverb "birds of a feather flock together" generally refers to an attraction between people of similar personalities. A number of the interviews at the beginning of the chapter refer to this attraction- "We're both real open" or "We're both really affectionate"-and a number of studies doc.u.ment it (e.g., Richard, et al., 1990; Marioles et al., 1996). However, the evidence for an attraction between people with similar personalities is far weaker than the evidence for an attraction between those with similar att.i.tudes.

It seems that while similarity in att.i.tudes serves as an important screening variable in the early stages of a love relations.h.i.+p, similarity in personality becomes important as the relations.h.i.+p develops. Indeed, a number of studies indicate that spouses who have similar personalities report higher levels of happiness and satisfaction from their marriages than do spouses who have different personalities (e.g., Caspi & Harbener, 1990; Richard, et al., 1990).

Why are we likely to be attracted to a personality similar to our own? For the same reasons that operated with similar appearance and att.i.tudes: similarity in personality validates and reinforces our self-perceptions. In addition, a relations.h.i.+p with someone of similar personality helps us maintain the stability of our own personality.

We surround ourselves with people similar to ourselves in an effort to keep our personalities stable in the face of the many situations, changes, and transitions that characterize our lives. In a longitudinal study at the University of California at Berkeley, an a.n.a.lysis of the criteria for mate selection showed that "h.o.m.ogeneity," which is to say, similarity, is a basic norm in marriage (Caspi & Herbener, 1990).

In other words, we choose to love and marry people who are similar to us because the choice helps us maintain a stable personality. And, according to what has been called a Theory of Narcissism, Theory of Narcissism, as with Narcissus, we love in other people what we see and love in ourselves (Reader & English, 1947). as with Narcissus, we love in other people what we see and love in ourselves (Reader & English, 1947).

In one of the studies that tested the theory of narcissism, a personality test was given to female students at the beginning of their first year of school. Six months later they were asked to name 62 the three cla.s.smates they liked most and the three cla.s.smates they liked least. Results of the study showed that the personality of the subject was similar to the personalities of her friends, but dissimilar from the personalities of the cla.s.smates she disliked (Izard, 1960). It is possible that the attraction to another with a similar personality is based on a similarity we sense intuitively but are not completely conscious of, that is, a similarity in emotional maturity.

SIMILARITY IN EMOTIONAL MATURITY AND MENTAL HEALTH.

Family therapist Murray Bowen (1978) believed that a person's ability to separate from their birth families and develop as an independent individual defined his or her level of emotional maturity and mental health. He ranked people according to their levels of "differentiation"

from their families of origin. At the bottom were people who were totally "undifferentiated"-unable to separate from their families of origin and still totally enmeshed in them. At the top were people who were totally "differentiated"-individuals who succeeded in separating from their families and had mature, independent, healthy self-ident.i.ties. Bowen's important contribution to the subject of attraction to the similar is his notion that people choose as intimate partners others who are at the same level of differentiation, emotional maturity, and mental health.

Even when one of the partners, usually the husband, seemed significantly more differentiated, Bowen a.s.sumed that both partners actually function at a similar level of differentiation. My clinical experience supports Bowen's notion. When a crisis occurs in such a couple, the partner who has appeared to be less differentiated, very often funtions at a much higher level as the functioning of the supposed healthier partner deteriorates.

Harville Hendrix, a marriage therapist and pastoral counselor, popularized Bowen's ideas in his best-selling books. According to Hendrix (1992), all of us suffer from psychological injuries that happen during different stages of our development. We remain stuck in the stage in which the injury was the most serious. We are attracted to and choose as marriage partners people who are stuck in a similar developmental stage and suffered a similar psychological injury.

Individuals who have similar psychological wounds occasionally respond to their injuries in the same way; for example, they avoid intimate relations.h.i.+ps and the risk of getting hurt. But married couples, despite sharing a level of psychological functioning, often exhibit opposite modes of coping; for example, as one partner BIRDS OF A FEATHER OR OPPOSITES ATTRACT?

63.approaches, the other withdraws. We will elaborate on the reason for this later in the book during the discussion of the unconscious forces influencing romantic choices.

GENETIC SIMILARITY.

In recent years, the scientific literature on similarity and attraction has revealed evidence that genetic similarity plays a role in romantic attraction. Evolutionary psychologists believe that the natural selection process led humans to develop a biological mechanism that directs mate selection. This innate biological mechanism exerts a powerful influence on the s.e.xual attraction a person feels toward a potential mate with optimal genetic similarity.

Evolutionary psychologist Philip Rushton (1988) doc.u.mented the attraction to partners who are genetically similar by examining the results of approximately 1,000 paternity claims brought by women against men with whom they allegedly had borne a child.

Since such a claim is resolved by a genetic test, Rushton was able to look at ten different genetic markers in both partners. He discovered that partners who were involved in a legal battle around a paternity claim-which is to say they had had s.e.xual intercourse at least once and had some kind of an emotional connection-were closer genetically than were couples, from the same population, who were randomly matched by a computer. Furthermore, in all cases in which the paternity of the man was proven, there was a greater genetic similarity between him and the mother than there was in the cases in which the paternity was disproved. Clearly, genetic similarity is somehow detected and is romantically attractive.

The evolutionary psychologist Ada Lumpert (1997) quotes a series of studies that testify not only to the existence but the advantages of attraction between genetically similar couples. The greater the genetic similarity between romantic partners, the greater their fertility rates, the smaller their rates of natural abortions, and the healthier the children born to them. In addition, the more genetically similar a couple is, the greater their marital harmony, stability, mutual support, help, and satisfaction from their lives together.

If the greater the similarity, the greater the attraction, why aren't we attracted to members of our family who are most similar to us genetically? The reason is the operation of another genetically imprinted mechanism-the incest taboo. At the opposite end of the scale, neither are we attracted to those who are very different from us genetically, such as people of a different race.

64.OPPOSITES ATTRACT.

I wanted you that day on the beach because you were different and because you smiled and because I knew your world was different.

-R.McKuen, Stanyan Street and Other Sorrows While research and folk wisdom tell us that "birds of a feather flock together," folk wisdom also provides us with an opposing rule of human behavior, namely, that "opposites attract." While reading this chapter, the question of attraction to the opposite probably crossed many a reader's mind. After all, we all know that just as the opposite ends of a magnet attract each other, opposite personalities do as well. Let's examine the relevant evidence.

"We look like total opposites. He's tall and dignified and I'm short and hysterical. We are opposites in terms of the way we look and short and hysterical. We are opposites in terms of the way we look and the way we act, but because we get along so well we balance each other the way we act, but because we get along so well we balance each other out. Or maybe we get along so well because we are opposites." out. Or maybe we get along so well because we are opposites."

"When people first see us they think that we kind of look weird, because I'm 5 foot 3, and he's 6 foot 5. 'You guys don't look like the because I'm 5 foot 3, and he's 6 foot 5. 'You guys don't look like the perfect couple' she laughingly mimics. Then, after they get to know us perfect couple' she laughingly mimics. Then, after they get to know us and see how I know what he's thinking and how he does the same and see how I know what he's thinking and how he does the same thing with me, they say 'You guys kind of click.' It just works really thing with me, they say 'You guys kind of click.' It just works really well between the two of us, and a lot of people have been commenting well between the two of us, and a lot of people have been commenting on it." on it."

"It's interesting. We come from totally different backgrounds."

"He's very laid back. He could sit through my temper tantrums and not blink an eye." and not blink an eye."

"We tend to argue about politics, and we tend to have different outlooks. He's in a different world-not in science. I learned a lot outlooks. He's in a different world-not in science. I learned a lot about banking and economics. It's fun." about banking and economics. It's fun."

In all these quotes, the interviewee was attracted to an aspect that was different in his or her romantic partner. In some cases, the difference is in personality, in others, the difference lies in areas of interest, and in still others, the difference is in physical appearance.

BIRDS OF A FEATHER OR OPPOSITES ATTRACT?.

65.In all cases, however, the difference is seen as a positive aspect that enhances the relations.h.i.+p.

There is a great deal of clinical as well as anecdotal evidence that opposites attract. Highly cerebral men are known to be attracted to highly emotional women, submissive people to dominant partners, strong women are attracted to weak men, soft and gentle men are attracted to aggressive women. There is also some research evidence that people in complementary relations.h.i.+ps, specifically, submissive people with dominant partners, report more satisfaction than do people with similar partners (Dryer & Horowitz, 1997).

Differences can be more exciting than similarities. One of the early studies on this topic showed that while it is very nice to discover that we are liked by a person who holds views similar to our own, it is much more exciting to discover that we are liked by a person whose views are very different (Jones et al., 1971). The reason? When we are liked by a person who holds opinions different from ours, we a.s.sume that the person likes us because of who we are and not because of our opinions.

There are other rewards that differences can provide. When we interact with someone who holds different att.i.tudes we are more likely to learn something new and valuable (Kruglanski & Mayseless, 1987). We are also more likely to find out that we are special and unique instead of being just like everyone else (Snyder & Fromkin, 1980).

ATTRACTION TO THE SIMILAR AND.

ATTRACTION TO THE OPPOSITE: A COMPARISON.

Are we more attracted to people to whom we are similar or to people from whom we are different? Despite the evidence for the rewards obtained from people to whom we are different, the lion's share of the research on attraction indicates that similarity has far greater influence. Here are some examples. Similarity has been found to exert the major influence on the definition of the ideal mate (Rytting et al., 1992). Att.i.tudinal similarity accounts for 81 percent of the determinants of interpersonal attraction (Shaikh & Suresh, 1994). Similar partners were found to be pleasurable and arousing, dissimilar partners repulsive (Krueger & Caspi, 1993).

Some couple therapists not only point to insufficient research support for the attraction of opposites, but view people's belief in this attraction as a very dangerous myth. It is one of those unrealistic beliefs, which also include a "match made in heaven," and the "perfect relations.h.i.+p," that creates unrealistic expectations that are 66 bound to be disappointed. It has even been suggested that such unrealistic myths should be addressed in premarital counseling (Larson, 1992).

If there is such limited support for the notion that opposites attract, why do people continue to believe in it and view it as relevant to their own personal experience of love? A clue to the answer can be found in the words of the woman who said: "We are complete opposites...but we complement each other." In other words, it is not the differences per se, but their complementary nature that enhances the attraction (Nowicki & Menheim, 1991).

Indeed it seems that people are attracted to partners to whom, in general ways, they are similar-in background, values, interests, and intelligence-but whom they complement in a particular, significant, and opposing, personality dimension (Wilson, 1989).

Family therapist Murray Bowen (1978) believed that the general similarity that attracts potential partners to each other is one of psychological maturity, while the significant and complementary personality dimension operates as an opposing "defense mechanism". For example, a man who copes with stress by suppressing his feelings will be attracted to women who tend to dramatize their emotions.

The crucial factor that divides those people who are more attracted to partners similar to themselves from those who are more attracted to partners different from themselves, may be self-acceptance. Zehava Solomon (1986) a.n.a.lyzed the effects of similarity and compatibility on the romantic choices of couples.

She discovered that people with high levels of self-acceptance chose partners whom they perceived as similar to themselves, whereas people with low levels of self-acceptance chose partners whom they viewed as different from themselves. A person's level of self-acceptance also influenced the degree to which he or she viewed the partner as different from the "ideal mate," and was willing to live with the compromise.

Returning to the question of what affects romantic attraction more, similarities or differences, the answer is, it depends on the similarities and differences in question, and on such things as the level of self-acceptance and style of coping. But the general rule is still the attraction of the similar. Furthermore, people who enjoy their interactions with their partners perceive their partners as similar to themselves. In other words, perceived similarity can act as an indicator of satisfaction in a relations.h.i.+p that, at times, can be satisfactory because it is complementary (Dryer & Horowitz, 1997).

BIRDS OF A FEATHER OR OPPOSITES ATTRACT?.