Falling In Love: Why We Choose The Lovers We Choose Part 4

For unattractive people, disheartened by the unfairness of the bias toward beauty, there is the comforting evidence that beauty doesn't guarantee finding the best marriage partner or succeeding in romantic relations.h.i.+ps. Indeed one of the most unattractive girls who studied with me in elementary school was the first one to get married, and is still happily married today. On the other hand, the most beautiful girl in high school married very late and is twice-divorced.

When people calculate their own overall levels of attractiveness, and the levels of attractiveness of their partners or potential partners, physical appearance is just one of the components in the formula- BEAUTY AND CHARACTER.

41.and its importance is different for different people. Many other traits, including intelligence, sense of humor, social and economic status, interests, and, of course, character, can enhance or diminish one's overall attractiveness.

CHARACTER.

What are the traits of the people you like and the traits of the people you dislike? Almost forty years ago, when social psychologists asked people this question, they discovered that at the top of the list of traits that people liked were honesty, competence, ability, intelligence, and energy (Lot et al., 1960).

Thirty years later the desired traits were sociability, high activity, and low emotionality (Krueger & Caspi, 1993). The problem with studies of this kind is that it is not clear whether the people we like really have these traits, or whether we convince ourselves that they have these traits because we like them. Probably both are true to some extent.

Is it possible to put the different ingredients of attraction into a formula and calculate the overall attraction? A mathematical model attempted to do just that. According to this model, attraction is in direct proportion to the value given to personality traits. The model a.s.sumes that every trait can be given a numerical value, and that the value of a certain trait can be different for different people. The more positive the traits, the greater the attraction. The more negative the traits, the greater the disdain. A trait such as "intelligent" is likely to be rated very positively (+4) and a trait such as "hesitant" as somewhat negative (-1).

The overall attraction score is a summary calculated from the values of all the traits that were put into the formula. In the end, the higher the overall evaluation, the higher the attraction (Anderson, 1981).

One could a.s.sume that the more able, talented, and competent a person is, the more attractive he or she will be to us. Elliot Aronson (1992), who studied this issue during the presidency of John F.Kennedy, discovered that the relations.h.i.+p between abilities and attraction is not so simple. Aronson was intrigued by the finding that Kennedy's popularity went up after the Bay of Pigs fiasco. The explanation he offered was that Kennedy had been simply too perfect. He was young, handsome, bright, witty, charming, athletic, a voracious reader, and a war hero who had endured great pain. In addition, he had a beautiful and talented 42 wife who spoke several foreign languages, two lovely children, a boy and a girl, and a rich, close-knit family. The testimony to a human weakness that was offered by being responsible for a humiliating national blunder, could have made him appear more human and, hence, more likable.

In order to test this explanation, Aronson and his colleagues conducted the following experiment. Using audio tapes, they asked subjects to evaluate the attractives of four candidates being interviewed for a famous quiz show. The first interviewee was nearly perfect; he answered 92 percent of the questions correctly, had been an honors student in high school, the editor of the yearbook, and a member of the track team. The second interviewee was nearly perfect as well, but committed the blunder of spilling coffee on himself during the interview. The third interviewee was mediocre; he answered only 30 percent of the questions correctly, had received average grades in high school, had been a proofreader on the yearbook, and had failed to make the track team. The fourth interviewee was also mediocre and committed the spilled-coffee blunder.

Results showed that the superior person who committed the blunder was rated most attractive; the average person who committed the same blunder was rated least attractive. The perfect per son, who made no blunder, was second in attractiveness; the mediocre person who made no blunder finished third. "Clearly, there was nothing inherently attractive about the simple act of spilling a cup of coffee" writes Aronson, "although it did serve to add an endearing dimension to the perfect person, making him more attractive. The same action served to make the mediocre person appear that much more mediocre and, hence, less attractive" (356). Are ability and competence important factors in romantic attraction? Let us examine some of the traits men and women mentioned during the romantic attraction interviews when they talked about the reasons they fell in love.

"The first thing that attracted me was the smile on his face. He looked so happy.... He was just smiling at me. And he had the nicest looked so happy.... He was just smiling at me. And he had the nicest smile. He's like that all the time. It's nice to be around someone who smile. He's like that all the time. It's nice to be around someone who is like this. You can just forget everything that bothers you. And I tend is like this. You can just forget everything that bothers you. And I tend to carry that kind of stuff with me.... He's a lot different from anyone to carry that kind of stuff with me.... He's a lot different from anyone else. He's real.... He's really calm and he's funny.... He's really else. He's real.... He's really calm and he's funny.... He's really outdoorsy. He does what he wants. He's also independent which is the outdoorsy. He does what he wants. He's also independent which is the way I am, which makes me happy." way I am, which makes me happy."

BEAUTY AND CHARACTER.

43."She is smart and dynamic and sensitive and nice. It is easy to trust her.... People like her. She gets along well with people. She's trust her.... People like her. She gets along well with people. She's easy to like." easy to like."

"He's kind of crazy [laughs] and wild. I was attracted to his craziness, his loudness. He's really playful and can be very outgoing." craziness, his loudness. He's really playful and can be very outgoing."

"He is very funny and witty.... I don't know what attracted me, but I know I immediately felt comfortable...just his conversation and but I know I immediately felt comfortable...just his conversation and he is so outgoing. He is one of those people that you immediately feel he is so outgoing. He is one of those people that you immediately feel comfortable with. He is interesting, funny, witty.... It's fun.... He's comfortable with. He is interesting, funny, witty.... It's fun.... He's outgoing and not shy, sort of opposite than me." outgoing and not shy, sort of opposite than me."

In none of these examples, nor in any of the quotes at the beginning of the chapter, are abilities or competence mentioned directly. Of the traits mentioned, intelligence and wit come the closest to competence.

What, then, are the personality traits that attract us to a romantic partner? The traits that were mentioned most often by both men and women were nice, friendly, and a sense of humor. The traits that were mentioned several times by the men were easy-to-talk-to, understanding, warm, sweet, smart, energetic, funny, self-confident, quiet. The traits that were mentioned several times by women were easy-going, sensitive, and intelligent.

The picture that emerges is of attraction to people who make us feel good, people who are warm, sensitive, and funny. In studies that examine what men and women look for in a marriage partner, a similar list of traits emerges. At the top of the list-for both men and women-are warmth and consideration (Goodwin, 1990). An a.n.a.lysis of personal ads in papers also shows that at the top of the list of desirable traits in a romantic partner, both men and women put understanding and a sense of humor (Smith et al., 1990).

The importance of warmth and sensitivity can explain the interesting findings of a recent study in which young college women read various descriptions of men. Women were found to prefer feminine men over masculine men, both as friends and as romantic partners. When rating the attractiveness of the men described, the women gave greater weight to personality factors than they did to success factors. They found the feminine men to be most attractive and the masculine men most repulsive.

A man's belief in gender equality had the greatest influence on both the women's platonic and romantic attraction to him (Desrochers, 1995).

44.Some of the desirable traits in a mate that people mention today are similar to the traits mentioned by people in previous generations, and some are different. A comparison study that examined the desirable traits in the 1930s and in the 1980s shows, for example, that while emotional stability and trustworthiness remain as important today as they were fifty years ago, mutual attraction became more important and s.e.xual purity decreased in importance (Hoyt & Hudson, 1981).

Warmth, sensitivity, and sense of humor are not the first traits that leap to mind when we imagine a wild love affair. Why, then, do they come up again and again in people's descriptions of the kind of person they are attracted to and would like to have as a romantic partner? One obvious explanation is that these traits are more closely related to intimate relations.h.i.+ps than they are to wild s.e.xual affairs.

Even if the popular portrayal of falling in love is of blind physical pa.s.sion, the people most of us are attracted to as lovers are people with whom we can be intimate, people with whom we are comfortable and easy.

Warmth and sensitivity are also important because people who like themselves prefer the company of people who like them and make them feel good. Warm, sensitive, considerate people make those around them feel good. And as we know, when people feel good they are more open to love.

BEAUTY AND CHARACTER.

When you think about your most significant romantic relations.h.i.+p, what was it that most attracted you? Arthur Aron and his colleagues (1989) wanted to know what made people fall in love. So they asked fifty men and women who had fallen in love within the previous eight months to think about the experience for a few minutes and then describe it in as much detail as possible. a.n.a.lysis of their stories revealed that the variable that was mentioned most often was either physical attractiveness or personality traits; they did not differentiate between the two.

Beauty and character influence each other, and both influence us. A warm, sensitive person with a good sense of humor tends to look more attractive. And a highly attractive person tends to look warmer, nicer, wiser, and more exciting. The halo effect halo effect refers to our tendency to perceive people consistently. If we see a person as attractive, we will attribute to that person other positive traits that are a.s.sociated in our minds with attractiveness-whether these traits are there or not. The best example of the halo effect is falling in love, BEAUTY AND CHARACTER refers to our tendency to perceive people consistently. If we see a person as attractive, we will attribute to that person other positive traits that are a.s.sociated in our minds with attractiveness-whether these traits are there or not. The best example of the halo effect is falling in love, BEAUTY AND CHARACTER 45.which makes us see our beloved with starry eyes blinded by love, pa.s.sion, and admiration.

In addition, all of us are influenced by the norms and values related to attractiveness in the society in which we live. In dating games and personal ads of the 1990s, for example, many more men describe themselves as "sensitive" than did men in the 1970s or 1980s.

Admiring the personality traits of the beloved is part of the romantic ideal on which we are raised. It is possible that, because of this enculturation, people today are more likely to mention traits in their beloved when asked why they fell in love with them.

SELF-FULFILLING PROPHECIES.

When we perceive people as attractive-because of their appearances or personalities-we expect them to behave in ways that characterize attractive people. These expectations, in turn, encourage behaviors that make our expectations come true. A lovely example of this process was provided in a book written over sixty years ago by Edwin Ray Guthrie (1938).

The cla.s.smates of a shy and reserved young woman decided to conduct an experiment. (In another version of this story, the idea was suggested by their psychology instructor!) Their goal was to make their shy cla.s.smate feel attractive and desirable. The students made sure that one of them always sat next to her in cla.s.s, in the cafeteria, or in any other social place on the campus; that one of them invited her to every social event and asked her to dance at parties. At first, the shy woman responded with shock and confusion.

But with time, she started enjoying their advances, and developed a feminine self-confidence that was expressed in the way she dressed, did her hair, talked, and behaved.

The critical question was whether the positive change would transfer to other social situations. In order to find out, her cla.s.smates visited her other cla.s.ses. They discovered that their shy and homely cla.s.smate continued to act like an attractive and self-confident woman who was sure of her desirability. But what was even more surprising, and exciting in its implications, was the fact that the men in those cla.s.ses-unaware of the experiment underway and its progress- treated her as an attractive woman. They showed interest in her and pursued her.

The behavior of the men reinforced the shy woman's self-confidence and perception of herself as an attractive and desirable woman, which, in turn, caused her to behave accordingly. The more self-a.s.sured her behavior was, the more open she was with men; the 46 THE STORY OF PYGMALION AND GALATEA.

Greek mythology tells the story of a young and gifted sculptor named Pygmalion who lived on the isle of Cyprus. Pygmalion hated women and made up his mind never to marry. Nevertheless, or because of this, he invested all of his artistic genius in a sculpture of a woman.

And the sculpture was beautiful; there was no living woman or sculpture that could compare to it in beauty.

The sculpture transcended its static nature; it appeared to be a real woman standing motionless just for a moment.

So the legend goes, Pygmalion fell in love with his beautiful sculpture. His love was pa.s.sionate and boundless.

No man in love ever suffered so much pain. He kissed her seductive lips, but she didn't return his kisses. He held her in his arms, but she remained cold. His love drew the eye of Venus, G.o.ddess of love, and she decided to help him. She made the sculpture come alive.

Pygmalion named his beloved Galatea and married her.

more attention she gave to her appearance, the more responses she received from the men around her. With time, the experiment started affecting the men who took part in it. They no longer had to pretend to be attracted to their cla.s.smate. They came to see her as attractive and started competing earnestly for her attention. The students'

attentions helped turn the ugly duckling into a beautiful swan.

Guthrie's story is reminiscent of the love story of Pygmalion and Galatea (see Figure 7).

Our behavior influences the people around us. If a woman treats a man like the most caring and generous man on earth, she is going to help bring out more of his generosity. And if a man treats a woman like a strong able person, he is going to help bring out more of her competence. An elegant proof of the power of self-fulfilling prophecies is provided in a study by Mark Snyder (1993).

Young men and women were invited to take part in a study that, supposedly, examined the process of getting acquainted. The partic.i.p.ants were asked to talk on the phone and try to get acquainted with an unknown person of the opposite s.e.x. Before the telephone conversation, the experimenter entered each room in which a man BEAUTY AND CHARACTER.

47.sat, and took a photograph of him with a Polaroid camera. The experimenter explained that in order to help the conversation flow, the researchers had decided to give each subject a photograph of his or her telephone partner. Every man received a photograph of his supposed partner with whom he was going to converse. In truth, it was a photograph of a woman randomly selected from a group who had been pre-judged as either very attractive or very unattractive.

The women who took part in the study did not receive photographs and knew nothing about the photographs that were given to the men. Every couple spoke on the phone for about ten minutes on any subject they chose. Their voices were recorded on separate tapes.

Judges were then asked to listen to the tape recordings of the women's voices only, and rate them on such characteristics as liveliness, warmth, intimacy, s.e.xiness, and sociability.

Results of the study showed that the women who spoke to men who thought they were talking to a beautiful woman, were friendlier, more open, more flirtatious than women who spoke to men who thought they were talking to an unattractive woman. In other words, the fact that the men thought thought that the women were beautiful made the women act in ways that fulfilled the men's expectations.

The conclusion is obvious-beauty and character are at least to some extent the result of an interaction between two people. The way we perceive a person's appearance and personality influences that person's self-perception and perception of us. This perception, in-turn, influences the person's FIGURE 7. Pygmalion and Galatea Pygmalion and Galatea by Etiene behavior which reinforces Falconet, 18th century. by Etiene behavior which reinforces Falconet, 18th century.

48.our perceptions. A man who treats a woman as s.e.xy and attractive causes her to behave in a s.e.xier manner, at least in his presence. This is the power of self-fulfilling prophecies. We can choose to use this power or not.

Self-fulfilling prophecies and positive illusions have positive effects on romantic relations.h.i.+ps. Satisfying romantic relations.h.i.+ps reflect, at least in part, the ability of people to see their imperfect partners through adoring eyes. A recent study demonstrated this.

Three times during the course of a year, one hundred couples filled out questionnaires that examined their levels of "partner idealization" and satisfaction from their relations.h.i.+ps. a.n.a.lysis of the data revealed that partner idealization worked as a self-fulfilling prophecy. The more the partners idealized each other the higher was the probability that they would stay together-even in cases where the couple had conflicts and reservations. Those couples in which the partners tended to idealize each other more at the beginning of the relations.h.i.+p reported a larger increase in satisfaction and a lower level of conflict during the year. And, among the couples in which the partners adored each other, each partner tended with time to accept the other's perceptions of him or herself-seeing the self more positively as a result of a partner's positive view. Contrary to the popular belief that love is blind, partners who adore each other are prophets.

With time they shape the relations.h.i.+p according to their own visions (Murray et al., 1996).

Freud (1914) explained the idealization of the beloved as the "projection" of an "ideal self." The individual projects onto the beloved traits and values that the individual views as supreme, perceiving them as being in the beloved. Freud believed that in the progression from the immature stage of falling-in-love to the mature stage of love, the idealization of the beloved needs to be abandoned and replaced by a mature view of the beloved as he or she really is. The findings of the positive effect of partner idealization suggest that this isn't necessarily so. Positive illusions continue to have the power of a self-fulfilling prophecy even after falling-in-love has turned to love.

THE LOVER'S PERSONALITY So far the discussion has centered on the personality of the beloved. What about the lover's personality? What personality dimensions make us more open to love, more comfortable in intimate relations.h.i.+ps? The famous developmental psychologist Eric Erikson (1959) believed that we need to develop a strong sense of ourselves and know who we are before we can develop truly intimate relations.h.i.+ps. A study in which the levels of BEAUTY AND CHARACTER 49.people's self-ident.i.ty were compared to the levels of intimacy in their relations.h.i.+ps shows that Erikson was right (Kacerguis & Adams, 1980).

People without well-developed senses of ident.i.ty are afraid of intimacy because they are terrified of being engulfed and losing themselves in relations.h.i.+ps. It was shown that when people with a low sense of ident.i.ty fall in love, their feelings are unusually intense, overwhelm them, and cause obsessive, tumultuous loves (Sperling, 1987).

Self-confidence influences our ability to give and receive love. People who have a high frequency of love experiences tend to have high self-confidence and low levels of defensiveness. (Dion & Dion, 1975). In order to be able to love, we first have to love ourselves and feel secure in out own lovability.

Another personality dimension that is related to the ability to love is self-actualization. Self-actualization refers to a person's constant effort to grow, to develop his or her inherent talents and capabilities. Abraham Maslow (1970) described the need for self-actualization as the highest in the human hierarchy of needs. He believed that being self-actualized is the foundation of the ability to give and receive love.

An early study that supported Maslow's theory showed that people who had been in romantic relations.h.i.+ps within three years preceding the study were more self-actualized than people who had not been in intimate relations.h.i.+ps during that time (Dietch, 1978). Later studies showed a more complex relations.h.i.+p between self-actualization and the ability to fall in love. On the one hand, being self-actualized was related to a richer and more satisfying love experience; on the other, a high level of self-actualization correlated with a lower need for romantic relations.h.i.+ps (Dion & Dion, 1985). This suggests that self-actualized people enjoy love relations.h.i.+ps more but need them less than people who are not actualized.

Greek philosophers distinguished among six styles of love: best friends best friends love, love, unselfish unselfish and and sacrificing sacrificing love, love, possessive possessive love, love, playful playful and and game-playing game-playing love, and love, and romantic romantic love.3 Studies show that insecure people who don't have a coherent sense of self and who are not self-actualized, tend toward a game-playing love; they have relations.h.i.+ps with low levels of intimacy and high levels of conflict. People who are self-confident, self-actualized, and have a coherent sense of self, tend toward unselfish and romantic styles of love; their relations.h.i.+ps are characterized by high levels of intimacy (Levy & Davis, 1988). love.3 Studies show that insecure people who don't have a coherent sense of self and who are not self-actualized, tend toward a game-playing love; they have relations.h.i.+ps with low levels of intimacy and high levels of conflict. People who are self-confident, self-actualized, and have a coherent sense of self, tend toward unselfish and romantic styles of love; their relations.h.i.+ps are characterized by high levels of intimacy (Levy & Davis, 1988).

SUGGESTIONS FOR PEOPLE SEEKING LOVE.

Suggestions Regarding Beauty Look for a partner who is as physically appealing as you are. Despite the importance of physical attractiveness in the selection of super 50 models and movie stars, when you are selecting a lover, the rule of thumb is not to choose the most attractive person possible. Rather, select the most attractive person among those similar to yourself in attractiveness. People who follow this general guideline are likely to have more harmonious and satisfying romantic relations.h.i.+ps.

While beauty can be subjective and skin deep, it still plays an important role as one of the first screens in romantic relations.h.i.+ps.

This implies what most people know very well: that you should do everything you can to look your best when meeting someone you are interested in. If you are rejected because of an appearance that could have been enhanced with some effort, your potential mate will never have a chance to discover the wonderful treasures buried deep inside your unkempt appearance.

Suggestions Regarding Character It ought to be encouraging that you need not have exceptional skills or abilities to find love. Neither should you look for a mate who has unusual skills or abilities. The emotional state that should guide the search for love is a feeling of pleasure, joy, and comfort.

According to this criterion, despite its obvious subjectivity, people who are warm, sensitive, and considerate, who, preferably, have a good sense of humor-and who also like us-are the best candidates.

Suggestions Regarding Finding Love Use the power of self-fulfilling prophecies. Treat your potential partners as if they were exactly what you want them to be-s.e.xy, exciting, attractive. Your behavior will help bring out those traits in them. Work toward improving your self-confidence and toward actualizing yourself. Make a conscious effort to make yourself as attractive as possible by improving the attractive parts of your appearance and personality. Clearly, these suggestions require an enormous effort, can take a very long time, and may require professional help. Yet, as Ovid, the first century poet, wrote in The The Art of Love, Art of Love, "To be loved, be lovable." "To be loved, be lovable."

4.B I R D S O F A F E AT H E R.

O R O P P O S I T E S AT T R AC T ?.

Birds of a feather flock together.

-A proverb The starling went to the raven, because it is of its kind.

-Baba Kama, The Mishna The Mishna Narcissus was a beautiful youth. So great was his beauty that all the young women, as well as the nymphs, were in love with him, but he did not desire any of them. Rejected and despairing, many an admirer took her own life. But Narcissus was proud, stubborn, and heartless. Then, one day, a rejected admirer called out to the G.o.ds for vengeance, and Nemesis, the G.o.ddess of righteous anger, punished Narcissus. As he bent over a pristine pool of water to get a drink, Narcissus saw his own reflection and fell in love with himself. Now it was he who suffered the terrible pain of unrequited love, the despair of knowing that he would never consummate his love or possess his beloved. His gaze fixed on his reflection in the water, Narcissus died of grief and longing. When the nymphs went to bury his body, they couldn't find it. In the place where it had lain there grew a beautiful new flower that was given his name.

Like Narcissus, many people are attracted to their reflections, that is, other people who share the same characteristics.

51.52."We had a lot in common. We both come from these highly intellectual neurotic couples, have an interest in the environment, not intellectual neurotic couples, have an interest in the environment, not too much in a hurry to get into graduate school." too much in a hurry to get into graduate school."

"When I discovered that we have a shared interest in biology I thought 'That's great! We have this in common!' Having things in thought 'That's great! We have this in common!' Having things in common really helps." common really helps."

"We have the same goals and interests. He loves to water-ski and that's my favorite thing. He's like my missing link. That's what he that's my favorite thing. He's like my missing link. That's what he is.... We're both real open and communicators and we're both is.... We're both real open and communicators and we're both independent. We are both ourselves." independent. We are both ourselves."

"We were both in an orchestra...I felt that we were similar.... We tended to think alike in many ways." tended to think alike in many ways."

"We have a lot in common. We're both really affectionate, we both like to travel, and she plays tennis and I play. Everything we do like to travel, and she plays tennis and I play. Everything we do together is fun." "We're both musicians.... We are both loving people. together is fun." "We're both musicians.... We are both loving people.

We're best friends."

"What attracted me first was her looks...later that she's very much like me. We're very much alike. We don't want to get stuck with one like me. We're very much alike. We don't want to get stuck with one person, we want to see other people." person, we want to see other people."

"She was overweight, just like me.... She was nice, very nice. I felt comfortable with her." comfortable with her."

"I'm attracted to people who are sensitive and quiet, because that's the way I am." the way I am."

"She looks like me, same color tone."

"We're in the same religion and that's very attractive to me."

a.n.a.lysis of the romantic attraction interviews suggests that, in one-third of the cases, similarity played a role in the initial attraction.1 As can be seen from the above excerpts, the similarity appeared in many different areas: family background, personality traits, appearance, ways of thinking, goals and interests, and leisure activities. In all of these cases, interviewees saw the similarity as a positive factor that enhanced the original attraction and helped facilitate the development of the relations.h.i.+p.

Studies on who falls in love with whom show a huge range of variables in which intimate partners are similar. These variables include: age, appearance, height, weight, eye color, behavior patterns, professional success, att.i.tudes, opinions, intelligence, cognitive complexity, verbal ability, education, social and economic cla.s.s, family background, number and s.e.x of siblings, feelings toward the family of origin, the quality of the parents' marriage, race and ethnic background, religious background, social and political affiliations, BIRDS OF A FEATHER OR OPPOSITES ATTRACT?

53.acceptance of s.e.x-role stereotypes, physical and emotional health, emotional maturity, physical characteristics including physical defects, level of neuroticism, moodiness, depressive tendencies, a tendency to be a "lone wolf" or a "social animal," as well as drinking and smoking habits.2 The earliest statistical study that doc.u.mented similarity between couples is the study done by the British, Victorian psychologist Sir Francis Galton (1884) toward the end of the nineteenth century.

Galton, who developed the method of statistical correlation, found a significant correlation between husbands and wives not only in such obvious variables as age, race, religion, education, and social status, but also in physical and psychological traits such as height, eye color, and intelligence.

Over 100 years after Galton, studies have reached similar conclusions. One study, involving 1,499 American couples, showed that the couples were similar in a wide range of cognitive and personality traits (Phillips et al., 1988). Another study, using British couples, showed that the couples were similar in such diverse traits as intelligence, introversion, extroversion, and inconsistency (Taylor & Vandenberg, 1988).3 The authors concluded that the similarity resulted from both physical proximity and personal preference. Which is to say that, among those who live in their neighborhoods, study in their schools, or work in their offices, people choose those who are similar to them in levels of intelligence and personality. Introverts choose introverts and extroverts prefer extroverts.

People are more likely to choose, as a lover, someone who has similar traits than someone who has different traits. Furthermore, the more similar couples are in terms of personality, the more comfortable they are with each other. This is manifested in greater compatibility and greater satisfaction (Mehrabian, 1989).

Why does similarity enhance attraction and satisfaction in intimate relations.h.i.+ps? One explanation suggests itself: similarities are generally rewarding whereas dissimilarities can be unpleasant. Consequently, couples who are similar in att.i.tudes, temperament, and behavior are more likely to stay together over time (Hartfield & Rapson, 1992).

Even those who build and organize their thoughts and perceptions in similar ways are more attracted to each other and find more enjoyment in each other's company (Burleson et al., 1997; Neimeyer, 1984).

In addition, studies doc.u.ment similarity between couples in such physical features as height, size, and weight. Short men, it turns out, tend to marry short women and tall women tend to marry tall men.

Fat men tend to marry fat women, and skinny women prefer skinny 54 men. When the weights of 330 married couples were examined during four stages of their life cycle, it was discovered that even among young couples there was a similarity in the partners' weights.

This correlation probably reflects peoples original attraction to potential partners who are similar to themselves in physical appearance. It is less surprising that similarity was found in the couples' weights at the age of retirement-the probable result of similar eating habits and similar life styles (Schafer & Keith, 1990).

Another fascinating topic is the similarity found in a couple's mental health or illness. One of the studies that addressed this topic showed that husbands of schizophrenic women also tended to show symptoms of mental disturbance (Parnas, 1988). A study of people who suffer from depression revealed that in 41 percent of the cases, both parents suffered from a mental problem (Merikangas et al., 1988). Some evidence exists that moody people with depressive tendencies tend to be attracted to people who are similar to them in unhappiness. There is much stronger evidence that happy people are attracted to happy people. In all of these cases, it is clear that similarity in emotional makeup increases a couple's attraction to each other (Lock & Horowitz, 1990).

When we consider the long and impressive list of variables in which a couple can express similarity, a question suggests itself. Are some similarities more important than others? Evolutionary psychologist David Buss (1985) looked at this question and says the answer is yes. Age, education, race, religion, and ethnic background account for the highest correlations between partners; they also have the greatest effect on a relations.h.i.+p. Next in order of size and importance are similarities in att.i.tudes, opinions, mental ability, social and economic status, height, weight, eye color, behavior, personality, number of brothers and sisters, and a large number of physical characteristics.