Weakness: No Longer Weak Part 1

No Longer Weak.

LYRA PARISH.

To those who constantly messaged and emailed me about this book, this one is for you Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead.

OSCAR WILDE.

FINNLEY.

Prologue.

I remember how the rain streamed down the winds.h.i.+eld when I drove to the scene of the accident. The streaks were long and thick, like the tears that ran down my face. Inside, I was dying, panicking, in a state of shock so strong that I didn't feel human. My movements were robotic, done out of memory and nothing else. Control slipped through my fingers like liquid as I parked on the street.

The flas.h.i.+ng lights of the ambulance and the blank faces of the police officers and firemen as I rushed through the crowd told me what I didn't want to hear. Adrenaline coursed through my veins and my legs went weak when I saw the mangled metal of the car, if it could even be called that anymore.

I remembered the first time I ever played the piano in front of people. Mum had insisted that everything would be okay, but my fingers had trembled with fear. My voice had shaken with every word. I'd had no control over my legs, and everything had seemed to shake with adrenaline. She insisted that the feeling was good for people, that it proved they were alive. My body could have overdosed on the natural drug, but once I had started playing, everything changed. I'd found myself. I'd found my confidence.

Today, there would be no confidence, no release, no sense of calm. There were no white and black piano keys to relieve me of my biggest fear. My world quickly evolved into a h.e.l.lish nightmare that I would never wake from. For the first time in my life, I was terrified. With the ma.s.sive whoosh of adrenaline humming through my veins, I couldn't control my body any longer. I fell to my knees and tucked my face into my hands as the rain poured over me. The medical staff rushed over with an umbrella, and an older gentleman helped me up from the ground. My s.h.i.+rt dripped cold water, and I was wet from head to toe. But I didn't care. Nothing mattered anymore, and it never would again.

A group of medical staff and firemen brought me to the back of an old, white pickup truck that had the city's name spray-painted across the side. With a sorrow-filled face, the coroner met me. When he opened his mouth, I heard nothing but complete silence. Everyone talked around me, but all I could focus on was the rain and the indescribable feelings that were encapsulating my body and soul.

The angels were crying with me-crying because I had lost my wife and my son in a fatal crash.

They had been ripped from my life in a blink.

I changed indefinitely. I became hard. I became strict.

I became Finnley f.u.c.king Felton.

Years pa.s.sed. I married my job. I f.u.c.ked random women. I stayed in control of my surroundings and lived without love . . . until I met Jennifer Downs.

I could have lost her for good. If that had happened, I would have turned bitter, and angry, and I probably would have lost all control. If the scars of loss had been forcefully ripped open, what little faith in love I had left would have been lost forever. Just the thought of it all sickened me. It was dangerous. It wasn't a game, but I knew that Jesse was bat s.h.i.+t crazy and didn't fully understand the audacity of her actions. Before it was all over, I would find her. Nothing in life was free. For every action there was a consequence, and Jesse would pay.

As I rolled onto my side, the warm glow of the bedside lamp warmed her face. Brown hair scattered across the pillow and surrounded her porcelain-smooth face. The smell of her skin next to mine made me want to move closer to her warmth. She looked so peaceful, so pure, and she was mine. I slowly wrapped my arm around her waist, holding her close to my chest, and then closed my eyes. Jennifer moved in closer and released a small moan. The pieces of me that knew how to unconditionally love another person were slowly making their way to the surface.

Love. It was powerful, and it was dangerous. It was frightening to love someone so much again, but I couldn't live in fear of loss. Just the thought of losing her for good woke a beast that was slumbering inside me. I was morphing into a man I hadn't seen in years-a man I thought had died long ago. I would protect her. I would be there for her no matter what.

The wounds were slowly healing, but I had become used to the pain, almost to the point of not noticing it anymore. It's funny how something can hurt so badly that it doesn't really hurt at all. Her breaths were slow, then her face squished and she moved her arm slightly. Her breathing increased, and I wished I could see what she was dreaming. I've asked her to tell me several times, but she refused. The nightmares had become an issue lately. The constant state of paranoia made life difficult, but I understood.

Abbot agreed to stay on board until we found Jesse. He wanted her dead. I just wanted revenge.

Revenge was as dirty as recycled heroine needles. It infected people, causing them to lose themselves until they were spiraling completely out of control. Vengeance was the ugly brother of hatred and obsession, which were often seen together.

I kissed Jennifer's forehead and promised her that nothing would ever happen to her again. I would protect her with my life. If Jesse wanted her, she would have to go through me. She had no chance, and never did.

JENNIFER.

One.

Finnley shook me from the nightmare that had haunted me every night since I'd been rescued. He squeezed my fingers three times; it was his little way of telling me I love you without speaking a word.

"You were thras.h.i.+ng again," he said. The only tone in his words was concern.

I sat upright in bed, and tried to catch my breath and calm down. I balled my hands into tight fists and dropped them beside my body as I lay back on the pillow. My heart was beating a million miles per minute, and a thin strip of sweat had formed on my brow. The thought of Jesse having this much control over me p.i.s.sed me off, and exhaustion blanketed me. Once again, sleep had evaded me.

"Jennifer, come here." Finnley brushed the little strands of hair from my face, and I turned and looked at him. He wrapped his arms around my body and held me close. The moonlight drifted in through the windows and lit his face just enough for me to stare into his eyes.

"I won't let anyone hurt you. I promise," he said.

I loved his British accent and how the simplest things sounded s.e.xy. I loved the care in his tone. I loved him.

"I believe you." And I really did. I knew as long as Finnley was close, no one could inflict pain on me, not even crazy Jesse. Abbot and his men kept watch throughout the house twenty-four hours a day. No one would get past them; there were absolutely no doubts about that.

"It's two in the morning. Come on, you've got to rest."

I pulled the blankets to my waist. Finnley was right. For the past two nights, I'd had less than six hours of sleep total. Each time I slipped into that deep realm, I found myself running away from Jesse and waking up in a panic. Although my surroundings changed in the nightmare, the scenario was always the same: she found me, chased me, and then it ended with her blade slas.h.i.+ng through me somewhere. Each time I was helpless and woke up screaming.

I had promised to talk to a counselor, but the truth was, I'd rather work through the issues myself. I'd dealt with my parent's death, and I could deal with Jesse. Her methods, her hauntings, were driving me crazy. The more I thought about her, the more I resented everything that she was, and everything she represented. Sometimes love was worth fighting for. I would fight. I would win because I had a fire inside me. She may be relentless, but hopefully by the end of this, I would be too.

Everyone has experienced a turning point in their lives that has changed their ultimate paths. For some, it may have been a horrific event. For others, it may have been an amazing one that was so powerful it changed the world, as they knew it. The s.h.i.+ft could happen so quickly that it pa.s.sed in a blink, so fast that one was left wondering what had happened. On the reversal, the moments that transformed a person may drag on for what felt like an eternity, so slow that one wished for it to end.

My life had changed so drastically that at times, it didn't feel like my own. I'm not sure whether the s.h.i.+ft in me happened when my parents died, when I moved to Vegas, when I met Finnley, or when Jesse took me. All of it combined morphed me into the person I was today. It was a rolling change, one that seemed to keep happening. For once, I wanted things to settle, for my life to be quiet. I wasn't sure that would happen until Jesse was found. When I replayed the situations I had been thrown into during the past year, it left me in a whirlwind. I often wondered whether I was wearing another person's skin and living her life. Regardless of whether I admitted it or not, everything had changed, but at least I was still breathing.

Silence surrounded us. The clock on the wall ticked, and I could almost hear my heartbeat. I closed my eyes, then what felt like moments later, I woke to an empty bed. The sun hadn't risen yet, so I knew it was still early. I ran my fingers through my hair and tucked the loose strands behind my ears. I looked down at the ring on my finger. My pinky and middle fingers were already used to the metal touching them. I twisted the ring in circles. Round and round and round it went. Then I slipped it off and put it inside the drawer next to the bed. At first, I felt naked without it, but I knew it was too dangerous to wear it.

I rubbed my eyes, and walked down the stairs. The only light in the living room was coming from the warm glow of the crackling fire. Finnley's shadow danced behind him as he stood, staring at the rising flames. Without hesitation, I walked to him. Before I could touch him, he turned with a smile resting on his lips. It had only been a few days since the incident, but we had fallen into a routine. We woke, ate, and went to sleep at the same time every day. I felt like I wasn't living, and if something didn't change, I would go mad. No matter how much I tried to forget what had happened, thoughts of Jesse continued to haunt me. I hated it.

"Why are we up so early?" I groaned. My eyes burned from falling to sleep just hours prior. As I looked around, I noticed the house was decorated from top to bottom with tinsel. Finnley walked to the other side of the room and flipped a switch. A giant Christmas tree became the center of attention, with its warm lights and golden, gla.s.s ornaments. Dark-red-and-green striped presents were stacked under the tree.

Just last night the house had no Christmas cheer. Not even a tree. Santa must have visited.

"How? How did you have time to do all of this?" I asked. His arched eyebrow was accompanied by a half smirk that said, "I'm Finnley Felton. This is what I do."

A smile crossed my face when I realized this would be our first Christmas together, and so far, it was more than I ever imagined. Before pure happiness swept me away, a small tug pulled me back to reality. This was also the first Christmas without my parents.

Finnley wrapped his arms around me, pulled me close to his body, then kissed me on the forehead. Love sprinkled through his touch, so much that it was almost unbelievable. I never imagined someone could really care this much about me after my parents died, but I understood because I felt the exact same way about him.

Abbot entered the living room and turned on the main lights. We s.h.i.+elded our eyes from the brightness, and Finnley shooed him off. Abbot's eyes widened when he saw us standing there, then his mouth turned up into a smile.

"Carry on, then," he said, then switched the lights off and walked back to the kitchen. Finnley shook his head as Abbot disappeared from sight.

"Does he ever sleep?" I asked.

"No. He's a vampire," Finnley joked.

"That explains it." I couldn't stop yawning. A small part of me wanted to crawl back into bed to try and sleep until nine. A soft thumb grazed my cheek, and I leaned into his touch. Our mouths were attracted to each other. Once our lips touched, we exchanged light kisses that grew in intensity. When a light jingle of keys echoed from the other side of the door, a smile brushed against my lips, but he pulled away. I watched him move to the door, more slowly due to the bullet that had grazed his side when he had come to rescue me, but still as fast as he could. Both the physical and mental wounds would take time to heal.

The door swung open, and Finnley burst into laughter as he embraced his brother. When we made eye contact, Luke smiled even bigger.

"Merry Christmas," Luke said. It was barely past five, and I couldn't believe Luke was here.

Finnley must have seen the confusion spreading across my face. "It's tradition. We always tried to stalk the tree before Mum and Dad knew we were awake. So every year we try to outdo each other. The earlier the better. Didn't get me this year, little brother. Didn't get me this year," Finnley said.

Abbot turned on the lights in the living room and joined us all with mugs of hot cocoa and marshmallows. Without hesitation, we took them. Chocolate, cream, and melted marshmallows somehow tasted just like Christmas. After a few more moments, Finnley stood and walked to the tree, then distributed presents among us.

"We agreed to no presents," Luke said.

"I don't really like to play by the rules," Finnley said.

I smiled and shook my head as he handed me a small envelope with a silver bow stuck to the outside.

"Merry Christmas, baby," Finnley said.

I looked down at it, then up at him. Carefully, I ripped from a bottom corner of the cream envelope and pulled out a photo of a cabin covered in snow. I gave him a quizzical look, but he was nothing but smiles.

"I've got a cabin on Lake Tahoe. It will be fun," Finnley said.

"I've never been before," I said, smiling.

"Do you think she will follow us there?" I whispered loud enough for only him to hear over the unwrapping of paper. As crazy as Jesse was, it didn't seem so farfetched. Finnley sat next to me and placed his arm around my body. His face softened. It wasn't lost on me that he didn't say no. One thing I loved about him was that he didn't give me false hope. He promised I'd be safe. He'd guaranteed nothing bad would happen to me. He couldn't offer any more than that.

Luke opened a box and pulled out a photo alb.u.m. Finnley smiled as Luke burst into a deep hearty laugh. "Really?" Luke said. "How did you find time to do this?"

"I had Mum help," Finnley said.

Luke thumbed through the pages. "It's every picture we ever took together."

"It is. Love you, little brother," Finnley said.

"Okay, okay. So it's my turn." Luke stood, walked to the front door, and whistled. Within a minute, their parents were bustling through the door.

"Mum. Dad!" Finnley stood, love and adoration covered his face. Abbot walked toward the door with a huge smile, and I followed in behind them. Hugs and kisses were exchanged, laughter filled the room, and the cheer of Christmas spread among us.

"So happy to see you're safe, honey," Emma said to me as she hugged me. "My boys better be taking good care of you." Her hand fell on Finnley's and Luke's shoulders, and she smiled. Franklin and I exchanged a warm hug as well.

"Yes ma'am. They are taking really good care of me," I said. Heat rushed to my face as I glanced over at Finnley, who glanced down at my ringless hand. Not much was lost on him. Especially that. I was surprised it had taken him that long to notice.

s.h.i.+t.

"Breakfast," Finnley said. Just as if he had given a command, everyone followed into the kitchen. The whole family helped prepare the food. I sat at the bar top with my feet dangling and watched how they all interacted with each other. Finnley occasionally looked over his shoulder at me. After everything was fried and placed on our plates, Finnley distributed the breakfast. He leaned over my shoulder and placed my breakfast down in front of me. The smells of sweet bread, eggs, and honey bacon rose from my plate.

Before he walked away, he whispered in my ear, "We need to talk." His low voice dripped seductiveness. He lightly grazed my shoulders with fingertips light as feathers, then walked away. Chills raced up and down my arms. I knew he wasn't happy with me. I knew him.

I swallowed as he walked around the table and sat directly in front of me. Luke sat beside him. Abbot plopped into the chair next to me, while Finnley's parents sat at the heads of the table. We pa.s.sed b.u.t.tered biscuits and strawberry jam around. Emma laughed about the trouble that Luke, Finn, and Abbot would get into when they were younger. Too bad she didn't know they still got into just as much trouble, maybe even more.

I stretched my leg under the table and trailed my toe up Finnley's leg. He shot me a sanctimonious look, then shook his head slightly. Finnley didn't want to play; too bad I wasn't on the same page as him. I watched as he added salt and pepper to his food, and took his first bite. As soon as he did, I grazed up his leg with my toe again, and tucked my foot between his legs. I could feel his growing hardness. He wiped the corners of his mouth with his napkin and stared at me as I slowly ma.s.saged his d.i.c.k with my toes.

"Finnley. How's work going? How are you, son?" Emma asked.

He swallowed, glanced at me, then turned and looked at his mother. He was a master actor.

"It's going great. I promoted someone to take over while I'm away, and she's keeping everything moving smoothly. It's like I'm not even gone. I'm doing fine. Just a little sore, but that's to be expected."

"When will you return to work?" Luke asked.

"Not sure yet. I want to get back as soon as possible though," Finnley said.

I knew the day would come when he would go back to work, but it'd been nice to know that no matter what, he would be here. Once I was left completely alone, I would have to deal with my demons. While it was what I wanted, I wasn't sure whether I was prepared.

Once more, I ran my toe up the side of his leg and down his shaft. He grabbed my toes with a strong hand and ma.s.saged the pad of my foot with his thumb. Emotions swirled through me, and though I knew he was upset, I didn't want him to be. There were methods behind my madness, reasons that he would have to understand. I wanted to be with him forever, no doubt about that, but I couldn't wear the ring, yet.

He sipped his orange juice, and I couldn't take my eyes off him. After breakfast was finished, we all helped clean up. Emma and Franklin were slightly jet lagged and wanted to nap it off. Luke was heading back home, though we had all planned to get back together this afternoon. After we said our goodbyes, Finnley grabbed my hand and pulled me up the stairs.

My nervousness played Ping-Pong in my stomach, and my heart raced. When we walked into the bedroom, I turned around and watched Finnley lock the door behind him. He crossed his arms and leaned against the door. I wasn't sure I would ever get used to admiring him, or calling him mine.

His cotton jogging pants hung low on his hips, and his grey t-s.h.i.+rt fit his body as if it had been made just for him. He ran his fingers through his messy hair and stared at me. He was waiting for me to start the conversation, but I couldn't find the words.

How could I tell him that I wasn't ready for this yet?

FINNLEY.

Two.

I stared at her. There were moments when I couldn't believe someone as beautiful as her felt so strongly for me. It felt like a dream. She couldn't avoid this conversation. She tucked her brown hair behind her ears, sat on the edge of the bed, and stared at me. Her eyes roamed from my legs, to my hips, and up to my mouth. I stayed leaning against the door.

She opened her mouth, then closed it and looked down at her hands. My patience waned. Slowly, I walked to her without taking my eyes off her. I sat down on the bed, and she turned to look at me. A single tear ran down her face, and I wiped it away.

"I can't, Finn. I can't wear the ring right now. If Jesse sees me on the street with that ring on, it will provoke her. I can't risk myself or us."