The Disappearing Girl Part 10

"She asked me to borrow one to sleep in. I gave it to her before I went to bed and she crashed on the couch." I turned my head away from him, but he continued to speak. "Nothing happened."

"Cameron, it's obvious how she feels about you. I'm not sure I believe it was an innocent sleepover."

"After everyone left, she tried to kiss me," he acknowledged. "I turned her down and she apologized, saying she had too much to drink. She lives forty-five minutes away and I knew neither of us could drive. I can only imagine how it must've looked for her to answer the door."

I wiped at the moisture on my cheeks. "I should go ..."

"Kayla, no." He sounded tortured. Seizing both of my hands in his, he continued, "I'm crazy about you. I don't want Taylor; I don't want anyone but you."

It was evident that he was willing me to acknowledge the truth in his words. It was jarring to be confronted with the idea that Cameron wasn't out to slaughter my fragile heart. Instead, he seemed to genuinely want only me.

Our mouths came together and we were kissing desperately. I wanted to kiss him into oblivion, revel in the taste of him intermingled with the spring rain.

His breathing was labored as he pressed his forehead to mine. "Come inside. You're soaking wet. We can talk to Taylor and she'll rea.s.sure you nothing happened."

I grimaced. "I don't want to see her. She pretty much insinuated you had slept with her."

Anger flashed in his eyes. "I'll get rid of her. I'm sorry if she made you think anything happened. I swear I'd never do that to you." Squeezing my hand, he led me toward the building. Taylor was walking into the foyer as we were heading up the stairs. She was dressed in the skirt and blouse she must have worn the night before.

Cameron scowled at her. "I don't know what kind of game you thought you were playing, but I don't want any part of it. Don't call me again."

"Cam, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-"

"Taylor, I'm done. I tried to be your friend, but I'm over your jealous bulls.h.i.+t," he snarled at her.

Taylor pressed her lips together in a hard line. "Fine," she huffed out. "If you're willing to throw away years of friends.h.i.+p on some girl you barely know, then it's your loss." Stomping around Cameron, she grumbled in my direction, "You hurt him and you'll have to deal with me."

"Get away from me," I said softly. Her heels clicked against the wood flooring in the hallway at her retreat.

Leading me inside, Cameron shut the door with a groan. "Not the way I wanted us to start our Sunday." At my silence, Cameron peered at me curiously. "Don't let Taylor get to you. Don't give her the satisfaction of coming between us."

"That's not it." A fresh onslaught of tears threatened to spill down my cheeks as he moved closer. It was too much for me, getting off one emotional rollercoaster, only to get right back on another.

I tried to take comfort in being near him. The fabric of his tank top was clinging to his chest, soaked from kissing me in the rain. I could relive the kiss to distract me from the hurt.

"Kayla, you're shaking. Let's get you into something dry and I'll make us some coffee."

Before he could move away, I gripped his forearm. "Cameron, I came here because my period is late. I think I may be pregnant." I couldn't hold in my sobs any longer. "I brought a test over. I thought you could stay with me while I took it."

Within seconds, his arms encircled my waist and I had my head pressed against his chest. "Baby, it's going to be okay."

Tilting my head back, I stared up at him. His eyes had softened and he grazed his thumb against my cheek. "We've been careful, but I could see why you're scared. You'll take the test and whatever the result is, we'll figure it out together."

I coveted his calm and level-headedness. I was splintering into a thousand pieces, questioning how I'd ever be able to pull it together enough to raise a baby. I clutched at his damp s.h.i.+rt, frantic, wondering if Cameron could anchor me enough to get control of my emotions.

Releasing his s.h.i.+rt, I reached into my purse to retrieve the pregnancy test. "I guess I should get it over with."

There was something indiscernible in his expression, and I could tell he had more to say. I was frightened by his integrity, his readiness to do the right thing if the test came out positive. I retreated to the bathroom, fearful his words would break me even more. I was too vulnerable, weakened physically and mentally by hunger and depression.

Chapter Eighteen.

"It was negative," I said in a breathless rush, hurrying over to his bed.

At my approach, Cameron raised himself up on his elbows. Before he had a chance to reply, I jumped into his arms and buried my face in the crook of his neck. "I'm sorry for freaking out over a false alarm," I muttered into his collar.

Alone in the bathroom, staring at the lines of the pregnancy test, I willed it to be only one line. Please, don't make me have to eat, please don't force me to put on weight for a baby, I prayed silently. I knew I was sick, I could feel myself barely hanging on to my sanity.

Brittany had texted and called me a dozen times since I left the dorm. Before I relayed the news to Cameron, I sent out a quick text to let her know the test was negative. She replied she had a sense it was a false alarm and guessed my period had stopped because of all of the weight I lost. I deleted her message, vanquis.h.i.+ng her words, hoping to deny the truth behind them.

Cameron was silent, his lips in my hair. I pulled back from him. When I met his eyes, I found I couldn't decipher his feelings. Cameron was usually an open book and I was apprehensive over what he was thinking. My gut told me I was too needy for him. He was handsome, s.e.xy, and smart, and he didn't have to waste his time on a girl that woke up some mornings questioning whether she could make it through the day.

"Cameron?"

"Yes?" He answered me, but his thoughts seemed far away.

"What are you thinking?"

A long minute pa.s.sed. "I was just thinking how I wasn't scared over the possibility of you being pregnant. I was more upset when I thought you were going to leave me because of Taylor."

I gaped at him. "I don't understand. I mean, do you want a baby?"

"I thought about it before and I definitely want kids. I'd love to be a father one day. Maybe it wouldn't be the best time for us to become parents, but we could've made things work." My Cameron, I thought affectionately, but I knew his optimism would be his undoing.

I laughed mirthlessly. "I'd be an awful mother."

"How could you say that?" he asked. "I see the way you are with your sister. You're always trying to look out for her."

"You'd be an amazing dad," I a.s.serted. "But a child deserves a caring and loving mother."

"Just stop it, Kayla." Cameron sat up in the bed and his eyes darkened. "I can't sit here and listen to you beat yourself up." At my shocked expression, he puffed out a long sigh. "I've tried to be understanding. I can't imagine what you must have gone through when you lost your father. You're still grieving and your mother is too selfish to help you through it."

"Cameron-" I started uncertainly.

He held up his hand to silence me. "Let me finish. There are a lot of things I've wanted to say to you for a long time, but I see this vulnerable side and I didn't want to hurt your feelings. But I feel like you may need to talk to someone to help you through your grief."

"What? Like a therapist?"

"Would that be so bad? Maybe it'd be easier to talk to a stranger. When I try to talk to you about certain things, I can feel you checking out. I care about you and it's killing me to see you in pain."

"You've never told me that's how you felt. I thought you were happy." I slid across the bed until my back was turned to him.

"Kayla, I'm not telling you this because I'm unhappy. I catch you in these moments where you're incredibly sweet and funny and I fall for you all over again." I squirmed out of his grasp when his arms surrounded me from behind.

"There's a but," I whispered harshly.

"But, there are other times when I see how sad you are. The way you barely eat, the way your clothes have started to fall off you. Kayla, when we're in bed together, you hide from me under the covers ..."

"I don't have to listen to this." I stood up and took a step toward the bedroom door.

Cameron stepped around me and blocked the exit. "Why can't you see I'm only telling you this because I want to help? Your father sounds like an amazing guy and it must be h.e.l.l for you to think about the day you found him. And instead of having a mom who tries to help you deal with the pain, she tries to poison you by making you feel like you're not good enough to be her daughter. I can tell you that you're beautiful and incredible until the day I die. But your mom has damaged you to the point where you'll only see yourself as worthless."

What a fool I'd been to think Cameron was oblivious to my dark side. He had only feigned ignorance, protecting me, holding on to the hope I'd find a way to pull myself out of the bottomless well I'd fallen into.

My instincts urged me to break things off with him, tell him he was off base, his theories about my life were erroneous, and I couldn't be with someone who thought I was a pathetic thing needing a savior.

But in two and a half months, my life had intersected with Cameron's in a way I couldn't brush off. I stayed at his apartment more nights than I slept at the dorm. I would drift off in his arms, safe from the nightmares, his presence chasing away the horrors inside the hidden corners of my mind.

"I'm not sure what to say," I mumbled. "I can't look you in the face and claim the things you're saying aren't true. But I want you to know no matter how messed up I am, you're important to me and I honestly have never felt this way about anyone."

His shoulders sagged with relief. "I feel the same way about you. I can't stand the thought of you hurting. Will you at least think about seeing a doctor?"

Reluctantly, I nodded. I was ashamed I needed help, but if I didn't do something, I would continue the endless spiral, falling deeper and deeper into my pit of self-loathing.

Chapter Nineteen.

"What's the plan for Little Kayla? Are we bringing her to the Alpha Psi Chi party?" Brittany darkened my doorway and shot Lila a sly smile. Lila dropped the magazine she was thumbing through and perked up at the mention of a party.

"You're not corrupting my sister this weekend."

Brittany pouted. "Your sister is no fun," she said to Lila before addressing me, "What's the plan then? You're not going to drag the poor girl to Cam's and force her to sit there while the two of you hook up?"

"No," I replied hotly. "I told Cameron we were having a night of sisterly bonding."

Brittany winked at Lila. "No worries, Little Kayla. Your sister sleeps like the dead. I'll spring you once she pa.s.ses out."

"Would you like to eat dinner with us? I could see if Jess and Danielle want to come along, too?" I asked.

"The twins went home for the weekend, but I'll come to dinner. Are you actually going to eat this time?" Brittany's light tone sounded forced as she spoke to Lila. "Can you please tell your sister she has lost enough weight?"

As Brittany and Lila locked eyes, I could see something silent pa.s.s between them. Lila nervously bit her lip and tried to mimic Brittany's levity. "I know, right? What are you, like a hundred pounds now?"

"Hardly," I said dryly. My head bounced back and forth between the two of them. "What is this?"

"Nothing," Brittany said hurriedly. "It's just hard not to notice you're super skinny and barely eat."

"It's not like I'm underweight." I held up my arm and pointed to the skin under my arm. "Look at this, I still have batwings."

"There's not an ounce of fat on you," Brittany insisted incredulously.

Her eyes were unreadable and I had the paranoid thought she was only saying these things because she wanted to keep me in my place as her fat sidekick. I'd always been her buffer when we went out, the chunky friend forced to entertain the friend of the guy she was interested in. Brittany never voiced the truth of our arrangement, but I had silently accepted the terms long ago.

"She's right, Kayla. I only see skin and bones." Lila's small voice interrupted my thoughts.

How could they not see the fat there? Was the flesh I saw in my mind much thicker than it actually was? I shook my head to clear my thoughts. I had come so far, suffered the consequences to try and have the body I always wanted. I wouldn't let anyone's jealousy derail my plans to have the perfect shape.

"What is this, gang up on Kayla night?" I asked before sending a challenging stare toward Brittany. "I thought you wanted to do something fun with my sister."

"I'm sorry, Kayla. You're right; we should have fun tonight. Since we both have hot boyfriends that never want us out of their beds, we hardly see each other anymore."

My eyebrows pulled together. "Filter in front of my teenage sister, please."

"Sorry, Little Kayla." She nodded sagely. "Hold on to your v-card as long as possible. Once boys hear you're no longer a virgin, they expect you to spread your legs all the time."

"If my mother calls me and accuses me of corrupting my sister during her visit, I'm throwing you under the bus and letting her know exactly what wise advice you gave her."

Brittany shuddered exaggeratedly. "Your mother scares me. I've seen pit bulls with nicer dispositions."

"No kidding," I muttered I couldn't shake the sense that Brittany and Lila had joined forces and decided I was their project for the night. When we arrived at the restaurant, they put in an order for an appetizer sampler platter. The platter was a dieter's nightmare, piled high with fried mozzarella sticks, stuffed potato skins, and Buffalo wings. Their conversation stalled when it was my turn to order, and I understood my food choices were being evaluated. With nothing on the menu with less than five hundred calories, besides an undressed salad, I settled on a chicken sandwich. I could feel the collective sigh as I handed the menu back to the waiter.

"So, how are things at home?"

My sister's eyes grew distant at my question. The familiar remorse plagued me, and I hated myself all over again for leaving home. I wanted her to know she wasn't alone in her pain. A hundred miles hadn't allowed me to escape the anguish of my father's death and my mother's harsh criticisms. "It's h.e.l.l on Earth living with Mom," Lila said quietly.

I took a small sip of my water before speaking. "I'll be home for the summer soon. I'm still writing online articles so I'll be able to work at night and we'll have all day to hang out."

Disbelief sneaked into Lila's expression. "You have a boyfriend now. And after that c.r.a.p Mom pulled the last time you brought him around, it's not like you're going to have him come over again."

"I haven't talked to Cameron about the summer. I'm not sure how serious he is about us and whether he'd want to stay together once I'm back home."

"Enough with this feeling sorry for yourself, Kayla. The man can't see straight when it comes to you. He would've totally stood by you if you were really pregnant," Brittany said resolutely. I glared at her.

Lila paled. "You thought you were pregnant?"

"Brittany is overreacting. It wasn't that big of a deal." My nonchalance was failing miserably. Lila looked more upset by my casual indifference. I felt the need to clarify things for her. "My period was late because I've lost weight. It's very common to have irregular periods when you're dieting." As with most of my a.s.sertions about what is normal, I made it up as I went along. I had no idea if it was common, but I still hadn't gotten my period.

"But you told Cameron you thought you were pregnant? How did he react?" Lila leaned forward in antic.i.p.ation. Her color had returned to normal and I could see she was eager to hear what happened. Maybe hearing about my endless drama would distract her from how tough things must be at home.

"He was great," I admitted. "He is great and everything I always wanted in a guy." I paused and tapped mindlessly on the table for a minute before continuing, "But I feel like it's too good to be real. Either his true nature is going to be revealed over time or he's going to wake up one morning and realize I'm not the girl he wants."

"I hate to be blunt." I smiled at Brittany's obvious lie. "But your mother has mind-f.u.c.ked both of you for way too long. She's obviously jealous because her daughters outs.h.i.+ne her and she wants to make you both as miserable as she is. Don't let her win. Be happy with Cameron and stop trying to make yourself 'prettier'"-Brittany used air quotes-"for her sake." Brittany sat back in her chair.

It sounded simple: Just turn off the voice inside of me insisting I was fat, ugly, and unlovable. Yet the feelings were too ingrained inside my head. My only possibility of salvation was to stop eating until the skinny girl emerged from within.