Pushing The Limits: Take Me On Part 34

My uncle moves closer and the anxiety within me surges to new highs. He rocks forward and sniffs. I briefly close my eyes. He knows. My uncle knows. "You are a d.a.m.ned failure."

The world tunnels as I stare at my uncle. My father a failure? Kicked down maybe, but not out. I've seen him struggle to his feet before and he can do it again.

Dad lowers his head. "I know."

I step in front of him, clutch his s.h.i.+rt with both hands. "You're not!"

"I am." His voice breaks.

"Listen!" I bend my knees so I'm smaller than him in his broken state. "You are the strongest person I know. We can do this. You just have to get your fight back."

"Let me go, Hays. It's better if you let me go."

"But..."

Dad pulls my hands off his s.h.i.+rt and stumbles back to the ground. My fingers still curl in the air as if I'm still holding on to him and I realize blankly that's what I've been doing for months-holding on to a corpse.

I flinch as if someone shot a high-powered rifle into the night. There was a shot except there was no sound. Only the rain against the street. For months, my uncle has been firing bullet after bullet in my father's chest and my father stood there and took it until he completely bled out.

And I'm no different. I've done the same thing. My head tilts and the world spins as I look over at my uncle. He can fire all he wants because I'm finally firing back.

Before rational thought catches up to the emotion, I explode into my uncle's face. "He's more of a man than you'll ever be! You're the one that's pathetic. Hiding behind words, behind threats, and when you're too scared you s.h.i.+ft into a waste of a little boy and belittle those who can't protect themselves. If you're so strong and so powerful, then hit me, you son of a b.i.t.c.h, because I'll hit you back."

He doesn't even shrink from my proximity. Instead he becomes blank stone. "Pack your s.h.i.+t, get out of my house and take your pathetic family with you."

Dizziness wavers my vision and I suck in raindrops as I try to breathe. Months of telling West to contain his anger and I go and lose control of mine at the wrong critical moment. What have I done? "I'm sorry."

"Too late."

My uncle steps onto the gra.s.s and I cut in front of him. "I'm sorry. Please. I was wrong."

"Get of my way before I move you myself."

"Touch my sister and I'll f.u.c.king kill you." Kaden stalks toward us.

I stay focused on the evil in front of me. The evil that gives a roof over our heads. That puts food in our stomachs. That offers protection from the streets. He's evil and he's a b.a.s.t.a.r.d, but he's saving our lives.

There's a craziness that invades my brain, an insanity worming inside my soul. It distorts colors, sights and sounds. The world becomes gray and cold. Years of fighting, years of confidence, years of any self-worth disintegrate, scatter and drop along with the pouring rain.

One knee goes down and sinks into the freezing mud, then another, and in front of pure madness, I beg, "Throw me out. Just me."

Because I am nothing.

West Give her the choice. Stop being an impulsive, controlling jerk and give her the choice. The same choice Dad should have possibly given me countless times. Not a choice between ripping your heart out from the right or the left, but the choice of controlling my own future.

Outside school, I get a few raised brows from people. The rumor mill must have already spit out I broke up with Haley and returned to Worthington.

A Plymouth older than my parents backfires. The brakes screech and the car stops. The side door pops open and Abby barrels out. "Thank G.o.d you grew a f.u.c.king brain."

I glance at the Plymouth that shakes out of the way. "Who's that?"

"n.o.body. You've got problems."

"Not worried about Denny right now. I've got to talk to Haley."

"That's it," she says. "Her uncle kicked her out last night and her family followed. I saw them packing up a car this morning. Her little sister said they're leaving for California."

I slam my hand into the concrete wall. f.u.c.k.

Haley I fold the blanket John gave me last night and leave it on the pillow in the corner of the gym. My grandfather canceled today's sessions because of what happened last night and the gym is unusually quiet.

Jax grunts when I nudge him with my toe, and instead of waking up, he rolls over.

"Come on, Jax. John's going to be back with my parents soon."

With an even louder grunt, Jax sits up and the blanket falls away. After blinking repeatedly, he shrugs on a s.h.i.+rt. "Where's Kaden?"

"Taking a shower." I plop on the matt beside him and think about how many years the two of us have spent in this place together. When we were six, one of us used to hang on a bag while the other pushed it as a swing.

Jax is more than a cousin, more than a brother; he's a part of me and I'm not sure how I can live life without him. "I'm going to miss you."

"f.u.c.k!" He slams his hand onto the mat, then rubs his eyes. "Just f.u.c.k."

My uncle did what I asked. He threw me out and me alone. What I didn't expect was my brother and cousin yanking me to my feet and Jax spitting into his father's face. I left and they voluntarily left with me. When we arrived at John's half-drowned and desperate for shelter, he reopened the gym and called my mom.

Mom and John had a long talk and the result is he's giving us his car and we're leaving for California-today.

"You didn't have to leave with me." Guilt consumes my stomach because my thoughtless comment to my uncle caused Jax to leave his home.

"Yeah, I did. I should have left a lot sooner. He's toxic." Jax presses his finger against his head. "He worms his way in, past your skin, past your muscles and into your soul. Once he's in, he continues, eating you until you're dust. I'm already half-dust, Haley, and I'm tired of trying to hold together what's left."

I lay my hand over his. "I love you."

He lowers his head and grabs on to his hair, causing his knuckles to go white. "I'm gonna f.u.c.king miss you."

Jax jumps up and slams his fist into a bag as he takes off for the showers. My mouth turns down and I rap my head against the wall. Jax and Kaden are staying. I don't know who I am without them.

The door to the gym opens and my grandfather walks in. He starts for his office, but one glance at me and he changes directions. Air rushes out of my mouth with such force that my hair moves. I escaped questions last night. My luck, like always, has run out.

John's slow as he slides down to sit next to me and he does something very un-John-like: he pats my knee. "Stay."

"The camper's barely big enough for you and one of the boys. I have no idea how you're going to squeeze Jax and Kaden in it." As much as it will kill my mother, Kaden won't come. His life is here-with the gym. I don't know where I belong anymore.

"We'll figure it out. There's the bed, two bunks and the floor once I clean it up. I'm not sure Jax would be comfortable on a mattress after all this time."

I check to see if he's teasing, but he's not. "Why is my uncle scared of you?"

"I saw him grab Jax by the arm once when he was a toddler when we were at your old house." John grasps his biceps. "Left a huge mark on his arm. I said nothing to him then, but paid him a little visit later that night."

It's not surprising he and my uncle had a chat. John's an advocate of keeping fights in the gym. "What did you say? I can't imagine one word I could have said that would have changed him."

John scratches the stubble on his chin. "I beat the s.h.i.+t out of him."

I choke on my own spit. "You what?"

"Beat the s.h.i.+t out of him. I then told him if he lifted a finger to any of his kids again, I'd call the police and let them watch us as I beat the s.h.i.+t out of him again and then they could arrest us both."

"d.a.m.n."

"Yeah. But I could never stop him with the words."

"Jax is a good guy because of you," I say.

"Your cousin doesn't have much and it's going to kill him when you go."

"I can't stay."

"I hoped by training West you'd find your fight again."

"My fight's gone."

"You're too young for that, Haley. Take a look at your father. Is that what you want to be? We could blame what happened with Matt, but you still had some fight in you then. When you lied about what happened with Conner to save Jax and Kaden, I thought maybe you were on the right track."

I turn my head as the deep, dark secret I fought to protect rolls off his tongue. "How did you know?"

"Jax and Kaden knew the moment you came home with no meds you were jumped and they knew Conner was the one to do it. Besides, they also knew you could kick Conner's a.s.s."

I chuckle, though I don't know why. Matt never flinched from the a.s.sumption that West was strong enough to take on Conner, but I wasn't. I trained Matt. I dated him. You'd think he would have known.

John continues, "I told Jax and Kaden to let you fight your own fights. With Matt, Conner and your uncle-with whoever. Unless you asked for help. I thought if you had to fight in some area in your life, it would prove to you how strong you really are or at least teach you how to rely on us. Even if we wanted, we couldn't help unless you let us."

I think of meeting West, arguing with him, teaching him to fight. "It almost worked."

"It doesn't have to be almost. Stay, Haley. You've always had the heart. You just need to start leading with that instead of your head."

I snort. Here I've been trying to convince West differently. The memory causes a slice of pain. G.o.d, I've lost the guy I loved. I loved him. I loved him so much and he walked away the moment his father snapped his fingers. He couldn't have loved me back.

"Mom needs me." And until last night, I've been able to pretend the truth hasn't existed. "Dad's a mess."

"You're eighteen. There comes a point in time when you need to start making your own decisions about your life. You can't control your father and you can't help your mother. They'll either make it or they won't."

"What about Maggie?"

"I raised your mother. She'll take care of Maggie and, trust me, your great-aunt will keep Maggie in line, too. The old bat is too mean to die."

John scratches his forehead and I've never seen such an unsure gesture from him.

"What?" I hope it's not bad. I'm already free-falling and I don't feel like hitting a few rocks on the way down.

"When you get to California, you should talk to someone."

"Talk?"

"Yeah." His hand waves in the air. "A professional-like that Mrs. Collins."

Uh...no. "I don't need-"

"You do," he cuts me off. "Something happened to you and as hard as I tried I couldn't fix it. If you have to go, go, but don't continue to live a half life."

Mom sticks her head in the gym. "Can you lend a hand, Dad?"

John stands and Mom smiles at me. It's not a rea.s.suring smile. It's the type that says she wishes she could rea.s.sure me. "Get your brother and cousin. I want to say our goodbyes and get on the road."

I nod. That describes my life-nothing but goodbyes.

West With Abby riding shotgun, I weave through the streets of the industrial park at sixty miles per hour and slam on the brakes when we reach the last warehouse. I throw the car into Park and I'm out the door with the keys still in the ignition.

John steps out of his camper. "Heard you broke my granddaughter's heart."

"Where is she?"

"Gone. She left with her mother and father for California a half hour ago."

He's talking, but my back is already turned toward him. I slam the door to my car and the tires squeal as I back out and floor the gas.

Abby grabs on to the console. "What are you doing?"

"We're going after Haley."

"That was a stop sign. What the h.e.l.l? Slow down. Slow down! West, f.u.c.king stop!"

I slam my brakes and we both lunge forward at the red stoplight.

"We've got to catch up. I've got to give her the option. I shouldn't have tried to control her life."

"Did you notice Kaden standing in the entrance of the gym?"

I blink. "No. Do you think John lied? Do you think she's still there?"

Abby reaches over and s.h.i.+fts the car into Park. "She's gone, West. Haley's made her choice."

Haley It's our second day on the road and we're taking it slow to California because John's car constantly threatens to spontaneously combust. Out of the four of us, only Maggie is excited about the move with the promises of beaches and waves and all the chicken nuggets she can eat.

I wish I could be excited about chicken nuggets. I wish I could be excited over anything.

To give the car time to rest after pus.h.i.+ng it two hundred miles, we've stopped off in the middle of nowhere Missouri to let Maggie climb on the largest bale of hay known to man. She giggles in the distance and I roam the inside/outside flea market a.s.sociated with the gas station.

My father sits on the curb and absently watches Maggie and the farmland. It's a strange, numbing sensation each time I see him-as if he died two days ago and I'm at the funeral home staring at the empty sh.e.l.l of a body.