Unveiling Chaos Part 20

"No," he said evenly, not missing a beat.

"So you're lying to her?" Frustration bled through my words until it seemed to be a tangible thing sitting on the table between us. My intention had never been to deceive my sister.

"No. I just didn't disclose the initial nature of our relations.h.i.+p." Grayson waved his hand between the two of us.

"Why?"

"I don't see the necessity. I'm helping you keep an eye on her." And that right there was one of the things I admired about Grayson: he didn't pretend not to understand a question, he didn't stall. He believed what he thought was right and he lived by it, he was proud to give answers because he didn't live his life just for show. Everything he did, he stood behind. "Besides," he continued. "Where's the lie? You and I are friends, aren't we?"

I chuckled, because while he was right, what Grayson didn't understand was that was a decisively male way of thinking. Ellie wouldn't see it that way, and G.o.d only knew how Naomi would react in a similar situation. Girls had a way of f.u.c.king up simple things, of distorting them until they didn't resemble any semblance of where the conversation started.

"Yeah, we're friends. But something tells me Ells won't exactly see it that way."

He shrugged, and if I had just been paying attention to his body language, I might have a.s.sumed he didn't really care one way or another. But his eyes told a different story. They looked a little unsure and scared, which seemed impossible, because even though I'd only known him for a short period of time, Grayson had always been confident.

A ping from his phone drew both our eyes, and I watched as he carefully picked it up and opened the message. He smiled. It was small, but one of the only genuine ones I'd seen on his ever-serious face.

"Is that my sister?" His smile fell as he quickly typed out a response and set the phone on the table once more, facedown this time.

"Yes."

Shaking my head, I said, "Just... be careful." I wasn't worried about him making a move on her-he was far too upstanding for that. But I was concerned that he'd unintentionally led her on. And of course, that she'd find out the truth of how our relations.h.i.+p started, and be crushed. All my concerns and fears always came back to Ellie.

He nodded, and I could tell by his gaze, he understood. And if anything, he looked just as concerned about it as I was. "We don't speak often. But if you would like me to stop talking to her, I will."

I shook my head. "No, no. Don't do that. She doesn't have many friends as it is." Grayson looked relieved, and my brotherly instincts were immediately set on edge. "But I can trust that friends is the only thing my pregnant sister will have... right?"

"Of course." His answer was smooth and unwavering, but still, I eyed him warily as our food arrived.

"I'm serious, Grayson. My sister isn't stable enough for a relations.h.i.+p."

His brows furrowed. "Your sister is a strong and capable woman."

"I never-"

"You may not be verbally abusive like your parents were, but treating her like a porcelain doll isn't helping her either. You're just reconfirming her fears that she can't take care of herself."

I clenched my hands under the table. "I love my sister. I would never say a negative word-"

"But how many positive ones do you say?" he asked, his eyes showing more emotion than I'd seen from him in the short weeks I'd known him. Like talking about my sister was bringing him to life. "Everything you have to say about her is neutral or defending against the negative. How is that supposed to make her feel?"

My brows furrowed. "Has she said something to you?"

His eyes softened barely before slipping into his favorite neutral, no-nonsense expression. "No. She thinks the world of you. But she internalizes everything you say and do, even if she doesn't realize it. Even though you and I, and probably even she, know that your concern is coming from a place of love and support, she also hears it as her not being enough, her not being able to handle it."

I stared down at the table between us, trying to understand the abstract of what he was saying. It made sense, but I just couldn't see myself treating Ellie that way. I told her she was amazing every day... didn't I?

I thought back, and realized that to some extent, Grayson was right. I made sure to tell her she wasn't this or wasn't that, but did I ever voluntarily tell her what an incredible person she was? Did I ever consider all the ways she could succeed when she presented me with a new idea before thinking of all the ways she couldn't?

I always thought I had. Now, I wasn't so sure.

We spent the rest of our meal eating in silence.

While my mind was anything but.

Ellie had looked so incredibly happy when I left her this morning, and I couldn't help but wonder if I'd ever looked like that. If I ever had that wide-eyed innocence or excitement about something. I wasn't sure I'd had it in a long while. But Ellie, despite everything, was able to look at something like she'd never experienced a problem before in her life.

I'd watched her as she knitted and hummed under her breath. And in that one moment, you wouldn't have known she'd been an alcoholic since she was fifteen, you wouldn't have known she'd been verbally abused by her parents, and you wouldn't have known she was about to become a single mother. And maybe that was because she didn't let those things show. Maybe innocence had nothing to do with never seeing the bad, and everything to do with seeing the good in spite of the bad. Being cynical and allowing myself to love things in halves would never change the chaos of my past, but it would forever ensure I'd never have a complete future.

Those thoughts were on repeat as I drove to the restaurant to have dinner with my mom, Mark, and Derek. It would be hard, and I was terrified, but I wanted to let my mother back in. I wanted it so badly, I ached at the thought of not being able to.

It had been three days since I'd seen her and left her crying on the stoop of her house. I'd never regretted anything more. She must have told my brother not to mention it, because Derek's invitation to dinner tonight was polite and controlled. And while I should have been grateful he hadn't yelled at me, I wasn't. I'd deserved to be yelled at.

When I arrived, I walked in and zeroed in on them immediately. The three of them sitting there like every other happy family, like they did this every Friday night. I felt nauseous as a ball of nerves weighed heavily on my stomach.

You promised you'd try. You want to try.

Throwing my shoulders back, I made my way to the corner table.

"Naomi," my mom all but shouted as she stood to greet me.

Try.

Try.

Try.

"Hey guys." I threw out an awkward wave as I made eye contact with Mark, Derek, and then my mom. When she stepped forward and slightly opened her arms, I could see defeat in her eyes, like she wasn't actually expecting me to hug her. And I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought about dodging her advances, but one look at Derek's and Mark's hopeful faces and I decided one hug wouldn't hurt.

"Hi Mom," I said softly before wrapping my arms around her. Her arms immediately mirrored mine and she gave me a soft squeeze. I met my brother's gaze over her shoulder, and he mouthed "thank you" before turning his attention to the menu in front of him. Mark was beaming as his own eyes made their way to his menu. I gave her an awkward pat on the back before she released me. Her smile practically overpowered her face it was so large. She took my hands and stepped back, giving me a once-over.

"You look beautiful, Naomi."

Feeling a little too much, I nodded before removing my hands and quickly depositing my a.s.s in the chair next to Derek.

"I'm glad you could make it."

"Me too," Mark chimed in. "I hope this could be a do-over, I didn't like how our last encounter ended."

"Emotions were running pretty high, it's no big deal." I waved him off.

"No, it is," he said in earnest. "You're one of the two most important things in her life, and that means you're important to me as well."

My mother smiled as she settled her hand in the crook of his tattooed elbow and leaned over to kiss him on the cheek. "So... anything new?" my mom asked when she turned back around and her eager gaze flickered between my brother and me.

Derek stayed silent, and I could only presume it was to give me time to share. After all, they'd been seeing each other regularly for a few months, she probably already knew a h.e.l.l of a lot more about him than she did about me.

"Well... I have a new boyfriend," I threw out. It seemed safe enough.

"That's right. Derek told me about what happened with Caleb. I'm awfully sorry, sweetie." She placed her hand over mine and gave it a squeeze. "But you're better off without him."

"That's what all the magazines say." Shrugging, I continued, "But honestly it really was for the best."

"Naomi's being particularly magnanimous about this whole thing," Derek said bitterly as he stabbed his knife through the loaf of bread on the table.

Our mother nodded thoughtfully. "I think that's good." Derek opened his mouth to argue, but she spoke again before he could. "It's important for us to realize that even good people can make mistakes. And if you truly love someone you should be able to forgive them if their heart was in the right place."

Derek's eyes softened and mine narrowed. But it wasn't in suspicion. Yes, it was obvious that she was imparting a double meaning with her speech. If I could forgive Caleb, why not her? I didn't have an answer.

"How exactly does him sticking his d.i.c.k in someone else translate to his heart being in the right place?" I asked.

The waiter, of course, chose that exact moment to come over. My mother blushed like a schoolgirl as she ducked her head behind her menu and Mark chuckled at her reaction.

"Good evening," he said slowly, already unsure what to make of us. "I'm Aaron and I'll be taking care of you folks this evening. Can I start you all with something to drink?" We each gave our orders before he promptly turned away.

"You did that on purpose," my mom hissed at me.

I actually hadn't, it was just extremely good timing. But I didn't tell her that, I simply smirked and nodded like it had been my plan all along. I looked down at my menu while Derek began teasing our mother. My mind was whirling as I stared at the words without actually reading them. Looking up, I saw the three of them laughing, noticing that Derek held nothing back. He acted like no time had pa.s.sed, like no wrongs were done.

I smiled at one of his jokes, and as we all sat there with picture-perfect smiles, laughing without a care in the world, I wondered if we looked like a normal family to everyone else. And I wondered how many families I saw and thought, wow, they're normal, I wish we were like them, were actually struggling, too? Were we normal simply because we did have problems? And were we a success simply because we chose to overlook them and come out and have fun together, anyway?

My smile grew as I realized all the things I'd missed out on as a kid, were suddenly right in front of me. The stupid jokes and the loud laughter, being surrounded by good food and people you loved. All these little things that happy families took for granted, but I would've killed for as a child.

I used to think this was something my mother took from Derek and me. But as I watched easy laughter pour from her, I realized she'd missed this, too. It seemed obvious now, but I'd never really thought about the fact that she might have wanted this. That maybe she hadn't willingly gone to drugs, but rather they just snuck up on her. Or that sometimes horrible things happened, and no one was to blame. And that sometimes, you could fight your hardest, and sadly, you still lost.

My mother lost more times than I could count. But she always kept fighting. And up until that moment, I'd never really thought about why she kept fighting. I'd seen her high often enough to know she enjoyed it, so why had she always been trying to stop, if it hadn't been for us?

Her gaze locked on mine, with a hopeful and insecure smile aimed my way, and I realized I had two options. I could dwell on the past and what we'd lost, or I could celebrate all the wonderful things we'd gotten back, a miracle that not all families were blessed with.

My gaze was steady on hers as I reached my hand out to my wonderfully imperfect mother. She took it without hesitation. And with a wide smile and a soft squeeze, I made my decision.

I was smiling as Damien and I walked through the front door of my apartment.

"Alara?" I called out. We both paused in the entryway and listened for noise, only to be met with blissful silence. Damien immediately began kissing my neck as he shut the door. I tilted my head, giving him more access while we slowly shuffled forward. I had just started to turn around when a large envelope caught my eye. It was separate from the other mail, letting me know that Alara took special care with it. The 8 x 11 envelope stood against a vase of flowers that hadn't been there this morning, all sitting on our kitchen table. I gulped as Damien continued his soft kisses, completely unaware of everything else.

"Oh my G.o.d," I breathed, a large smile forming.

"Mm-hmmm..." he murmured, moving his kisses up my throat until he reached my ear, gently biting the lobe before swirling his tongue to ease the nonexistent sting.

"No, no." I swatted at the hands that had settled on my hips and rushed out of his arms. Picking the envelope up, I whirled around and held it out to him. He wordlessly read over the return address from Yale Law School before the largest smile I'd ever seen lit up his face.

"Congratulations!" He swept me up in a hug, lifting me from the ground and twirling us around. We both laughed at the ridiculousness of it, or maybe it was simply pure joy. I pulled back when we slowed down and looked into his carefree eyes. Feeling my feet touch the ground, I unwound my arms from around his neck and looked down at my ticket into law school. And not just any law school, but the law school I'd wanted to go to for as long as I could remember.

Yale had been more than a dream, it had been an escape. I never doubted I'd get in. I knew I was smart enough, I just had to make sure I worked hard. And I did. I put everything into making it happen. I researched what I would need to succeed and I'd been chasing it down ever since.

My smile wobbled and nearly dropped when I looked up into Damien's proud gaze once more. It was intense and so... loving, I almost couldn't breathe. And suddenly the package in my hand no longer felt like a weightless piece of paper handing me my future. Instead it felt like a thousand-pound shackle.

Caleb and I had just started dating when I decided to attend Yale, and while there had been a slight ache in my chest at the thought of leaving him, I knew I wouldn't abandon my dream for a guy. I was not going to be that girl.

But the idea of leaving Damien did more than cause a tiny ache. It felt like the Hulk used his giant, beefy, green fist to punch a hole in my heart, obliterating any chance of repairing the damage. And that was just at the thought of it. I couldn't imagine the pain that would come with actually leaving the guy I loved.

Oh s.h.i.+t.

I love him.

My heart simultaneously fell and soared; it was an odd contradiction, and that was how I knew I was in love with him. Because nothing made any sense, even while everything fell into place. I wanted to throw up as much as I wanted to smile wide. I wanted to run away and run toward him. I was nervous, but calm. Scared, but brave. And I felt ready, yet totally unprepared.

How could I leave him?

I honestly didn't know how I was expected to leave this gorgeous man in front of me. This man who looked at me like I'd given him everything he could ever want, and like he was ready to give me the world in return.

My breath caught as he leaned forward, and suddenly I had no thoughts. About leaving, or about anything else.

"Congratulations," he murmured once more before his mouth settled over mine, our tongues immediately tangling as the package fell from my hands and landed on the ground. He picked me up and I wound my legs around his waist, my fingers gripping his back and bunching his s.h.i.+rt as he stumbled and we crashed against the wall. A little puff of air traveled out of me and into him as I felt him harden against me. His mouth left mine to press whisper-soft kisses all over my face.

"Damien." I ran my hands down his chest and tried to lift his s.h.i.+rt. He nodded as he broke away and set me on the ground. Not wasting any more time, we both shed our clothes and Damien grabbed a condom out of his wallet. My boyfriend grabbed my hips and turned until he could perch me right on the edge of the kitchen table.

Stepping back to look at me, he licked his lips as he wrapped his hand around his c.o.c.k and slowly started pumping. I s.h.i.+vered and my fingers were aching from their grip on the table.

"This isn't very considerate... Alara eats on this table." I tsked and shook my head at him, even as I s.h.i.+mmied backward. His hungry gaze roamed over me while he stepped forward and gripped my knees, gently prying them apart.

"Well, technically, I'll be eating in less than a minute."

I smirked. "Is that so?"

Damien nodded, bringing one hand over my thigh to stroke me. "Mmmm... looks delicious." I stared at his mouth as he bit his lip, like he had to restrain himself from diving down and eating me out. My breath caught as he started rubbing slow circles on my c.l.i.t. "Also, it's called Clorox, sweetheart."

Nodding, I said, "You're right. Besides... I had the unfortunate"-I gasped as he hit a particularly tender spot-"experience of hearing Gabe finger her against Derek and Gabe's counter... I can always bring that up if she gets all high and mighty." My eyes closed for a second, and when I opened them again, Damien's lips were a mere inch from mine.

"I'm proud of you," he whispered as he wrapped his arms around my shoulders, the urgency from moments ago dwindling.

"Thank you." My voice was thick as I returned his embrace, tenderly rubbing my nose against his, causing him to smile. I released Damien's hair from his rubber band before running my fingers through it and placing a soft kiss on his neck. When I pulled back, I brushed the hair that had fallen over his forehead back and looked into his dark blue eyes. We continued to stare at one another, his hands resting lightly against my hips while mine laid gently upon his shoulders. His eyes slowly closed as his hand came up and closed around one of mine before he brought our joined hands to his lips and kissed where they met.

"You know..." He paused to give our hands one more kiss. "As much as I wouldn't mind staying out here, I think I'd like to take you to a bed." Damien interlaced our other hands, slowly pulling me off the table.

Our eyes, hands, and hearts stay connected as he walked backward, leading me through my apartment until we reached my bedroom.

"That's another reason," he said with a smirk as he nodded toward the door I'd just shut.

"What?" I asked with puckered brows.

"You're too loud to be having s.e.x in a room where your voice will carry." He tapped his foot on the carpet. "You need a carpeted floor and a shut door." Chuckling at his rhyme, he started forward but I disconnected our hands and backed up.

"I already disproved that ridiculous theory."

Shaking his head, he taunted, "You could barely hold it in." He was grinning from ear to ear as I strode forward, my hands connecting with his chest and shoving him back until he fell on the bed. And even though he was still wearing a distinct smirk, I saw all the warmth and tenderness in his eyes.

Once again, And all at once, I fell.