Second Best Husband Part 13

Her body went hot, a small ache starting up inside her. Angrily sheignored it, turning on the shower, and trying not to wince as shestepped under its icy sting.

Half an hour later she was downstairs in the study, trying to work.

She hadn't wanted any breakfast. She had rung her parents and spoken toher mother, who seemed to think there was nothing out of the ordinary inher having spent the night under Stuart's roof.

" I'm just onmy way out," her mother told her.

" I want to have a word with Gwen Roberts, to check the flowers for thechurch."

Sarareplaced the receiver. She had the house to herself. Before comingdown, she had studied the bed, her fingers drifting gently over itscarving.

Her wedding gift. The kind of gift that a man might make for a womanwhom he greatly loved. She smiled bitterly to herself. The love wasthere, self-evident in the workmans.h.i.+p, but it was not love for her; itcould not be. rather it must be love for the house. The bed wasn't so much a gift for her as a gift for the manor. She tried not to imagine howshe might feel if Stuart had actually felt that kind of emotion for her,that depth of love, that intensity of commitment.

She was not going to cry, she told herself fiercely. After all, what wasthere to cry for? She was marrying a man with whom she had every chanceof building a safe, secure life; she knew him well enough now to knowthat he would make her a loyal and caring husband, that he would be aloving father to their children, that he would share his life with her.

That he would.

Love her? Hardly. But then why should she want him to when. She froze a.s.she heard a car drawing up outside, and hurried into the kitchen,automatically a.s.suming that it must be Stuart, hesitating only when shereached the kitchen, worrying at her bottom lip as she acknowledged thathe might not be best pleased to find her standing here in the kitchenwaiting for him.

She was just walking into the study when the kitchen door opened and atotally unexpected but very familiar male voice called her name.

It wasn't the voice she had expected. It wasn't Stuart's voice.

She turned round, scarcely able to believe her ears, her hand going toher throat, her whole body registering her shock.

" Ian..."

" So you haven't forgotten me?"

It was all there, the confidence, the self- a.s.surance, the vanity andthe self-love, and as he walked towards her she could only wonder thatshe had never noticed them so intensely before, but had simply acceptedthem. accepted them humbly and with wors.h.i.+pful adoration.

Now it was different. Now it was as though the proverbial scales hadfallen from her eyes; as though she were a completely different person,and where she had previously felt acceptance she now felt revulsion.revulsion and irritation.

" My poor sweet. How you must have suffered. But that's all over now...I've realised my mistake, and I'm here to eat humble pie, although youmust admit that Anna was an alluringly tempting little morsel. Smallwonder that I was momentarily dazzled. But that's all over now."

He had followed her into the study, and her nose wrinkled in distaste atthe strong smell of his aftershave, far too overpowering in such a small s.p.a.ce.

He was, she realised with some dislike, standing far too close to her aswell, invading her personal s.p.a.ce to a degree that was not merelyimpolite, but which also bordered on the s.e.xually intimidating.

She moved away from him immediately, impelled to do so by her need toput some distance between them, and wished she had not as he followedher closely, pus.h.i.+ng the door to behind him.

As he came towards her, she had to remind herself that this was Ian. Ianwhom she had loved for almost all of her adult life. Ian who. lan. who had rejected, spurned her. who had used her, if not s.e.xually thencertainly emotionally and mentally, even if he had done so with heracceptance, her connivance almost. Another man, a better man, knowing hecould not return her love, would have firmly severed the connectionbetween them immediately he had guessed her feelings. A man like. a manlike Stuart, for instance.

She swallowed hard, confused and bewildered by her thoughts, trying totell herself that she ought to be feeling joy, happiness, deliriumalmost. Ian was here. Ian wanted her. Ian was telling her that it wasover between him and Anna, that he wanted her to return to London withhim immediately, that he wanted. She took a deep breath and interruptedhis a.s.sured, almost mocking flood of meaningless a.s.surances.

" Ian, I can'tcome back to London with you. I'm getting married."

" Married?" He raised a taunting eyebrow.

" Oh, yes, your father did say something of the sort. Something or otherabout you marrying some bucolic type who lives locally. But honestly, mydear, can you really and truly see yourself living here? You're a citycreature. You're like me. You and I--' " No, I'm not," she told himshakily.

" I'm not like you at all, Ian."

He looked at her; he was growing irritated now, annoyed with her forrefusing to succ.u.mb to his charm, his needs. She wondered cynically why it was he wanted her back--to soothe his ego, or to sort out the mess inthe office?

" All right, so I made a mistake," he was saying now, his voice losingits polish, its allure, sharpening. hardening. grating on her, sherecognised with a small stab of guilt. She didn't want to listen to him,didn't want to hear what he had to say. Didn't even want him here atall, she admitted.

In fact what she wanted. what she wanted most of all was to close her eyes and discover when she opened them again that Ian had gone and thatStuart had taken his place.

The shock of her own admission threw her. She wanted Stuart. preferredStuart. needed Stuart. Loved Stuart. But no. how could that be? How could she?

" All right, Sara," Ian was saying snappily," So you want your pound offlesh; you want to see me grovelling. Well, I can't blame you for that,I suppose, although I had rather hoped you'd be above that sort ofthing. You of all people know how vulnerable I am, how much I need--' "To have your ego ma.s.saged," she supplied drily for him.

She watched as the blue eyes turned cold and merciless.

" Anna was right about you," he told her venomously.

" You are a cold, s.e.xless creature. A woman who isn't really a woman atall.

You'regetting married, you say? Why, I wonder? You can't possibly lovehim."

" Can't I? Why not? Because I was once foolish enough to love you?That's over, Ian. I think it was over the day Anna told me that you'dknown all along how I felt about you. I knew then that I'd loved not aman but a mirage. Stuart is worth a hundred of you."

" And you love him? You're lying, Sara. I know you. I know your type.

You love me. You always have done and you always will--' " No!" sheinterrupted him vehemently.

" I don't love you, Ian."

" Oh, yes, you do, and on your wedding night when you're lying cold andunresponsive beside your farmer, it will be me you'll want... me--' "No," she told him again, and then lifted her head, and said somethingshe could never in a thousand lifetimes have ever imagined herselfsaying to anyone, never mind to Ian.

" You're quite wrong, Ian, and do you know how I know you're wrong? Lastnight Stuart and I were lovers.

I'd been so afraid, more afraid of anything than I've been in my wholelife.

And do you know why I was afraid? I was afraid because of you.

Not because I once loved you, but because of the way you'd hurt me.

derided me, allowed Anna to hurt me so cruelly and so fundamentally thatI was terrified that she was right; that I was incapable of arousingdesire within any man. But then Stuart touched me. showed me." She tooka deep breath, her voice trembling as she continued bravely," Stuartgave me a pleasure I'd never dreamed could exist for anyone, never mindfor me, and he gave me that pleasure generously and freely."

She felt tears sting her eyes and dashed them away with the back of herhand.

" And because of that... because of that, even if I didn't love him,even if I still loved you--which I do not--I would still stay with him,marry him, because you see, Ian, when it comes down to it, Stuart is themost complete, the most whole, the most stable human being I've everknown.

Beside him you're nothing but a tawdry, gimcrack imitation of all that aman should be."

" My G.o.d, you do love him, don't you? All that after one night of s.e.x.

He must be good. Tell you what, old girl, if I were you I'd be wonderinghow he got to be so good. If he's got that kind of taste for women. fors.e.x, ask yourself. How long is he going to be satisfied with you? Hemight marry you, but my bet is he won't be faithful to you. Are you sureyou don't want to change your mind?"

She had turned her back on him.

" No, Ian, I won't change my mind."

She didn't move until she actually heard his car driving away, and thenwhen she tried to move she discovered she was so tense that all she could do was stand there and shake.

Shefelt sick, her head was starting to pound, she felt weaker than shehad ever felt before in her life and at the same time she felt stronger.

She loved Stuart. Jt amazed her that until she had actually framed thewords, said them, she had really not known, and yet last night, and evenbefore last night, some dee pinner core of her must have known, musthave known and must have kept the knowledge hidden from her. Her tremorsincreased.

She couldn't marry Stuart now, of course. It wouldn't be fair, to eitherof them. It had worried her enough when she had simply thought shedesired him more than he desired her, but now that she knew the truth.

She gnawed on her bottom lip. How was she going to tell him. convincehim? And then she realised thatlan's visit provided her with the perfect excuse.

There was no need for Stuart to know the truth, for her to embarra.s.sthem both by revealing it; she could simply tell him that lan's engagement was over, that he wantedher back, that he realised. Her throat closed against the revulsion thatfilled her body at the thought of even implying that she still lovedIan. She had clung to her delusions for so long that she was actuallybeginning to wonder if perhaps she had in fact stopped loving him a long time ago, but had simply never allowed herself to admit it. That wouldcertainly explain her lack of physical desire for him, her belief thats.e.xually she was not the type of woman to feel intense desire; a fictionwhich her reaction to Stuart had very quickly revealed as such.

She didn't have long to wait for Stuart's return. The Land Rover cameclattering into the yard just, as luck would have it, as she was makingsome coffee.

She watched, her throat taut with pain, her heart aching, as Stuartstrode across the yard towards the door. How would he take it? Would hebe angry or would he just incline his head in that way he had and listento her, calmly letting her go?

Shediscovered as she picked up her mug that her hands were trembling toomuch for her to hold it.

He came into the kitchen and looked across the room towards her.

" Stuart... Stuart, there's something I have to tell you."

He waited in silence, not helping her, but not hindering her either.

" It's... It's... Ican't marry you after all," she told him shakily, notdaring to look at him; " I see." There was a short pause. She tensed as he kicked off hisWellingtons and came across the kitchen, but before he reached her hestopped beside the table, pulling out a chair and sitting down.

" Do you mind if we talk this over sitting down?" he asked her, flexinghis back with a small wince.

" My back's killing me. The bed in the spare room isn't he mostcomfortable one I've ever slept on, and I've been transplanting somesaplings all morning. This sudden change of heart--of mind should Isay?--it wouldn't have anything to do with last night, would it?"

Sara stared at him.

" No... no, of course not," she a.s.sured him truthfully, and then flushedbrilliantly scarlet as she realised how misplaced her vehement a.s.surancewas, and how inappropriate, but fortunately he seemed not to be aware ofher self betrayal, asking her instead," So why, then?"

This was it. She gripped her hands together, praying for the strength tolie convincingly to him.

" I... I had a visitor this morning." She wanted to turn away from him,but realised too late that since she was seated opposite him she couldscarcely do so.

" Er--it was Ian, to be exact... His engagement to Anna is finished.

He's asked me. He wants me to go back to him, and I. well, you alreadyknow that I. that I." She swallowed hard, finding it almost impossibleto voice the lie but knowing she had to do so.

" That you what?" Stuart prompted her.

" That you love him?"

She nodded, unable to continue.

" Odd. Especially when less than an hour ago I myself heard you tellinghim that you most a.s.suredly did not love him and that you had nointention of returning to London with him."

Sara couldn't believe her ears.

" You heard? But you couldn't... You..."

" I came back for the Land Rover keys... The study door wasn't properlyclosed. I had already seen the strange car outside. I didn't mean toeavesdrop, but when I heard what he was saying to you..."

He paused and Sara asked weakly," How long? How much...? No, Stuart.

Please don't," she protested huskily, as he got up out of his chair andcame towards her, his intention plainly written in his eyes." Well,let's just say I was there long enough to hear you say you loved me," hetold her tenderly, as he reached for her, almost lifting her bodily outof the chair and wrapping her in his arms, her protests and denialssmothered against his mouth as he started to kiss her.

" Those words were almost the sweetest music I'll ever hear."

" Almost?" she mumbled helplessly against his mouth.

" But--' " The sweetest ones will be when we stand up in church togetherand you say" I will" Sara, Sara, I can't believe it, even now," hegroaned, kissing her fiercely and hugging her.

" You love me... I admit I'd hoped that with time and patience one dayyou might, but to hear you tell him..."

" Stuart, please, it isn't any use... I still can't marry you. Not when Iknow that you love someone else. You must see that it wouldn't be fairto either of us."

The, love someone else?" He had stopped kissing her and had moved backslightly from her so that he could look down into her eyes.

" What on earth do you mean? Of course I love you. I have done from themoment I set eyes on you. It was as if I was being pole-axed... as if Iwas being hit by afalling redwood... the shock of it d.a.m.n near killed me.

Onemoment I was a sane, well- adjusted man of thirty-odd, going abouthis business; the next. The next, I'd taken one look at you and known,known immediately and irrefutably that my life was changed for all time.

" Stuart... that can't be true. You told me yourself there had beensomeone... Sally."

" Sally?" He looked totally bewildered.

" The only Sally I know is my sister-in-law, and as for there beingsomeone else... There have been some relations.h.i.+ps, I admit,relations.h.i.+ps which I might have thought might lead to a permanent commitment, but there's never been a woman who's made me feel the wayyou make me feel. If I implied otherwise, it wasn't intentional."

" You told me... you said... you implied that you knew what it was liketo love someone and know that love couldn't be returned. I a.s.sumed it must be someone in Canada--that you'd bought the house for her but thatshe'd rejected you."

" Canada? Never! You... Wait a minute." He started to smile.

" Ah, the night we met when Ilooked at you and knew, knew you were the one.

You were the woman I wanted, needed. It threw me a bit. And then youtold me about Ian."

" Ian." She gave a small shudder.

" I can't believe now that I ever even liked him, never mind loved him.