Boundaries Face To Face Part 29

What was happening here? Jordan was getting restored to the process of mothering. Susan was providing Jordan with empathy and containment, a basic aspect of mothering Jordan had not received from her own mother. For us to become comfortable with ourselves, all of ourselves, we need someone with whom we can be ourselves. We need acceptance and understanding, so that we can contain and integrate all parts of ourselves. A good mother does this. She listens to and accepts the negative, contains it, and helps her child not feel overwhelmed. She is comfortable with her child's imperfections. The child takes her comfort into his personality, and he becomes comfortable with imperfections as well. The mothering process of acceptance integrates the child.

Some people, however, do not receive this empathy and understanding from their own mothers. They experience the "uncomfortable with imperfections" mothering that Jordan first gave to her children. This was the kind of mothering she had received from her own mother, and the only kind she knew how to pa.s.s on to her children. Her mother had failed to give her empathy and understanding, and so she did not have it inside to give to herself and to her children.

G.o.d has designed several ingredients into the growing up process that a "good-enough mother" provides. Our aim here is to help you understand that you may not have received everything you needed from your mother, and only when someone gives you those ingredients can your life work correctly. This is what Susan did for Jordan; she gave her what her mother failed to give her. This is what friends do for each other every day. This is what it means to be restored to the mothering process.

So, not only do we need to resolve things with one real person in our past as we mentioned above, but we must get from others what we did not get completely from our mother.

In the rest of the book, we will outline the major aspects of the mothering process so that you can understand why some areas of your relations.h.i.+ps and your performance are not working, and so you can know what you need for it to change. Just as Jordan discovered that she lacked empathy and was restored to that aspect of mothering through Susan, you will find what it is that you have missed.

RESPONDING TO MOTHERING.

Remember the two issues we identified above that determine who we are as people: (1) the kind of mothering we had-both from our own mothers and from our significant relations.h.i.+ps since then-and (2) our response to the mothering process.

When we have gotten negative mothering, we can begin a pattern of mistrusting for the rest of our lives. We hide our needs and vulnerability. We become combative and aggressive. To show that we can't be controlled, we control others. And the list goes on. We respond to mothering in defensive and reactive ways, as did Jim, which, in turn, like Jim above, prevents us from getting what we need, thus perpetuating our own problems.

Jordan had not received the acceptance that she needed from her mother. As a result, she had also developed a pattern of avoiding the acceptance that was available to her later in life. Others, even before Susan, would have listened to Jordan and accepted her. But she was so caught up in her efforts to be perfect that she was not responding to the good mothering that was around her at all times.

Jordan's rejection of good mothering is in contrast to what the Bible calls responding to the light. Things of light-like honesty, vulnerability, trust, responsibility, acceptance, forgiveness-are around us all the time. Our part is to open up and respond to them.

OUR a.s.sUMPTIONS.

In this book, we are making three a.s.sumptions: Our first a.s.sumption is that there is no such thing as the "good child" and the "bad mom." Sometimes people in recovery and psychological movements encourage "parent bas.h.i.+ng"; every negative thing is the fault of one or both parents. Mothers do fail in being all that they need to be. Some fail in being almost anything that they needed to be. Still others do a pretty good job and just leave a few things undone or in need of fixing. But, children have defensive and inappropriate responses as well, and as adults they often continue in inappropriate patterns. Consequently, adult children need to shoulder much of the responsibility.

As you begin to see and understand the missing elements in the mothering you received, your responsibility is to grieve and forgive so that way you may be healed of whatever your mother might have done wrong. Then, as you see and take responsibility for your side of the problem, you will be able to receive what you did not get, gain control, and change those areas where life has not worked for you thus far. In this twofold process of forgiveness and responsibility, you will find unlimited growth.

Our second a.s.sumption is that there are preordained tasks of mothering and responses to mothering. We will outline the universal and predictable process that all children need to go through with their mother. We will take you through that process and help you understand how that process relates to you, your history with your mother, and your current life. We will start with basic issues like the importance of making emotional connections and proceed to leaving your mother and cleaving to your spouse.

Our third a.s.sumption is that you need love and limits along each step. Your mother needed to be loving so that you learned to bond with others, and your mother needed to set limits so that you learned to shoulder your own responsibilities. If your mother neglected to provide love and limits, or if she provided one but not the other, you will need to find a way of completing what is missing.

So, join us on the wonderful, difficult, and challenging process of dealing with mom and mothering.

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1. An introduction to the four categories can be found in Secrets of Your Family Tree, by Dave Carder, Earl Henslin, John Townsend, Henry Cloud, and Alice Brawand (Chicago: Moody Press, 1991), 176a79.

1. The following structure was developed by Margaret Mahler, and described in The Psychological Birth of the Human Infant by Margaret Mahler, Fred Pine, and Anni Bergman (New York: Basic Books, 1975). A researcher, Mahler observed the operationalizing of these biblical concepts in general revelation.

2. For more information on a biblical perspective on bonding and attachment, see chapters 3a5 of Changes That Heal by Henry Cloud (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1992) and chapters 4 and 13 of Hiding from Love by John Townsend (Colorado Springs: NavPress, 1991).

1. Francis Brown, S. R. Driver, and Charles A. Briggs, A Hebrew and English Lexicon of the Old Testament (Oxford: Clarendon Press, 1977), 60; Merrill C. Tenney, ed., The Zondervan Pictorial Encyclopedia of the Bible, Vol. 1 (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1977), 166a68.

2. James Dobson, Love Must Be Tough (Waco, Texas: Word, 1983).

1. James Bramlett, How to Get a Job (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1991).

1. R. Laird Harris, Gleason L. Archer, and Bruce K. Waltke, eds., Theological Wordbook of the Old Testament (Chicago: Moody, 1980), 329.

2. See chapter 8, "Helpful Hiding: Dealing with Suffering," from John Townsend, Hiding from Love: How to Change the Withdrawal Patterns That Isolate and Imprison You (Colorado Springs: NavPress, 1991).

1. See Henry Cloud, Changes That Heal: Understanding Your Past to Ensure a Healthier Future (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1992); and John Townsend, Hiding from Love: How to Change the Withdrawal Patterns That Isolate and Imprison You (Colorado Springs: NavPress, 1991).

Resources by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.

Boundaries.

Boundaries Workbook Boundaries audio.

Boundaries video curriculum Boundaries in Dating Workbook Boundaries in Dating audio.

Boundaries in Dating curriculum Boundaries in Marriage Workbook Boundaries in Marriage audio Boundaries with Kids Workbook.

Boundaries with Kids audio Changes That Heal (Cloud) Changes That Heal Workbook (Cloud).

Changes That Heal audio (Cloud) Hiding from Love (Townsend) The Mom Factor Workbook The Mom Factor audio.

Raising Great Kids Raising Great Kids for Parents of Preschoolers curriculum Raising Great Kids Workbook for Parents of Preschoolers.

Raising Great Kids Workbook for Parents of School-Age Children Raising Great Kids Workbook for Parents of Teenagers Raising Great Kids audio.

Safe People Safe People Workbook.

Safe People audio Twelve "Christian" Beliefs That Can Drive You Crazy Click on the t.i.tles below to read excerpts from other books by Henry Cloud and John Townsend Boundaries in Marriage.

Boundaries with Kids.

Boundaries in Dating.

The Mom Factor.