Fruits of Culture Part 29

The same scene as in Act I. The next day. Two liveried footmen, Theodore Ivanitch and Gregory.

FIRST FOOTMAN [with grey whiskers] Yours is the third house to-day.

Thank goodness that all the at-homes are in this direction. Yours used to be on Thursdays.

THEODORE IVaNITCH. Yes, we changed to Sat.u.r.day so as to be on the same day as the Golovkins and Grade von Grabes ...

SECOND FOOTMAN. The Stcherbakofs do the thing well. There's refreshments for the footmen every time they've a ball.

The two Princesses, mother and daughter, come down the stairs accompanied by Betsy. The old Princess looks in her note-book and at her watch, and sits down on the settle. Gregory puts on her overshoes.

YOUNG PRINCESS. Now, do come. Because, if you refuse, and Dodo refuses, the whole thing will be spoilt.

BETSY. I don't know. I must certainly go to the s...o...b..ns. And then there is the rehearsal.

YOUNG PRINCESS. You'll have plenty of time. Do, please. _Ne nous fais pas faux bond._[14] Fedya and Koko will come.

[14] Do not disappoint us.

BETSY. _J'en ai par-dessus la tete de votre Koko._[15]

[15] BETSY. I have more than enough of your Koko.

YOUNG PRINCESS. I thought I should see him here. _Ordinairement il est d'une exact.i.tude ..._[16]

[16] YOUNG PRINCESS. ... He is usually so very punctual ...

BETSY. He is sure to come.

YOUNG PRINCESS. When I see you together, it always seems to me that he has either just proposed or is just going to propose.

BETSY. Yes, I don't suppose it can be avoided. I shall have to go through with it. And it is so unpleasant!

YOUNG PRINCESS. Poor Koko! He is head over ears in love.

BETSY. _Cessez, les gens!_[17]

[17] BETSY. Cease; mind the servants!

Young Princess sits down, talking in whispers. Gregory puts on her overshoes.

YOUNG PRINCESS. Well then, good-bye till this evening.

BETSY. I'll try to come.

OLD PRINCESS. Then tell your papa that I don't believe in anything of the kind, but will come to see his new medium. Only he must let me know when. Good afternoon, _ma toute belle_. [Kisses Betsy, and exit, followed by her daughter. Betsy goes upstairs].

GREGORY. I don't like putting on an old woman's overshoes for her; she can't stoop, can't see her shoe for her stomach, and keeps poking her foot in the wrong place. It's different with a young one; it's pleasant to take her foot in one's hand.

SECOND FOOTMAN. Hear him! Making distinctions!

FIRST FOOTMAN. It's not for us footmen to make such distinctions.

GREGORY. Why shouldn't one make distinctions; are we not men? It's they think we don't understand! Just now they were deep in their talk, then they look at me, and at once it's "lay zhon!"

SECOND FOOTMAN. And what's that?

GREGORY. Oh, that means, "Don't talk, they understand!" It's the same at table. But I understand! You say, there's a difference? I say there is none.

FIRST FOOTMAN. There is a great difference for those who understand.

GREGORY. There is none at all. To-day I am a footman, and to-morrow I may be living no worse than they are. Has it never happened that they've married footmen? I'll go and have a smoke. [Exit].

SECOND FOOTMAN. That's a bold young man you've got.

THEODORE IVaNITCH. A worthless fellow, not fit for service. He used to be an office boy and has got spoilt. I advised them not to take him, but the mistress liked him. He looks well on the carriage when they drive out.

FIRST FOOTMAN. I should like to send him to our Count; he'd put him in his place! Oh, he don't like those scatterbrains. "If you're a footman, be a footman and fulfil your calling." Such pride is not befitting.

Petristchef comes running downstairs, and takes out a cigarette.

PETRiSTCHEF [deep in thought] Let's see, my second is the same as my first. Echo, a-co, co-coa. [Enter Koko Klingen, wearing his pince-nez]

Ko-ko, co-coa. Cocoa tin, where do you spring from?

KOKO KLiNGEN. From the Stcherbakofs. You are always playing the fool ...

PETRiSTCHEF. No, listen to my charade. My first is the same as my second, my third may be cracked, my whole is like your pate.

KOKO KLiNGEN. I give it up. I've no time.

PETRiSTCHEF. Where else are you going?

KOKO KLiNGEN. Where? Of course to the ivins, to practise for the concert. Then to the s...o...b..ns, and then to the rehearsal. You'll be there too, won't you?

PETRiSTCHEF. Most certainly. At the re-her-Sall and also at the re-her-Sarah. Why, at first I was a savage, and now I am both a savage and a general.

KOKO KLiNGEN. How did yesterday's seance go off?

PETRiSTCHEF. Screamingly funny! There was a peasant, and above all, it was all in the dark. Vovo cried like an infant, the Professor defined, and Marya Vasilevna refined. Such a lark! You ought to have been there.

KOKO KLiNGEN. I'm afraid, _mon cher_. You have a way of getting off with a jest, but I always feel that if I say a word, they'll construe it into a proposal. _Et ca ne m'arrange pas du tout, du tout. Mais du tout, du tout!_[18]

[18] And that won't suit me at all, at all! Not at all, at all!

PETRiSTCHEF. Instead of a proposal, make a proposition, and receive a sentence! Well, I shall go in to Vovo's. If you'll call for me, we can go to the re-her-Sarah together.

KOKO KLiNGEN. I can't think how you can be friends with such a fool. He is so stupid,--a regular blockhead!