The Year Of The Ladybird Part 10

He snapped his head back away from the window, too quickly. 'As far as you can tell. What's that mean?'

'Well, I can't watch her twenty-fours a day, can I? I'm trying my best to be where she is or somewhere near her as far as I can. I tried to buy her a coffee a couple of times but she wouldn't have it.'

He nodded. 'Seen her talk to anyone?'

'Only staff about cleaning. She's been taken off the theatre and put on other jobs. Last time I saw her she was down at those reconditioned chalets.'

He blinked at me.

'She seems to have her head down,' I said. 'Working hard.'

He blinked again. I lifted the gla.s.s to my mouth and once again I could smell Terri on my fingers. It seemed so strong. It seemed impossible that he couldn't smell his wife on me. My guts squeezed again. I felt like I might throw up. 'How long have you been back?' I asked him.

'Just got here today. Sat outside for an hour or two, waiting for you to stick your nose out the door. Tried to call you but that b.i.t.c.h in the office said you wasn't around.'

That meant that while he was trying to call me, Terri and I were f.u.c.king in D block. 'I was probably in the canteen,' I said.

'No, it was just after lunch.'

'Dunno,' I said.

'You look f.u.c.kin' knackered, son.'

'I can't sleep properly here. Dunno why.'

'You sure you ain't been on the nest?'

I looked him in the eye.

'You 'ave been, aincha?' He smiled and lowered his head. It was an evil smile. He drew back his lips but compressed them so that he showed no teeth. 'Aincha?'

'I should be so lucky.'

He downed the rest of his beer. 'Go up the bar and get us another, will ya?'

I didn't see why he couldn't take his turn at the bar but I wasn't going to argue. I got up but he called me back and told me to take it from the change that lay on the table. I got him another pint and a half for myself.

'What's that then?' He looked at the half pint gla.s.s as if he'd never seen one before; as if it were some new and silly marketing idea for ladies.

'I don't like to be p.i.s.sed while I'm working around kids,' I said.

He considered this. 'That's fair enough.'

We both took another glug of beer.

'She's up to something.'

'Oh?' I said.

'You get so you know.'

I shook my head as if to indicate that I knew nothing about that kind of thing.

'She wasn't much more than a kid when I found her,' he said. 'Don't look at me like that.'

'Like what?'

'I know what you're thinking: why does he keep her on such a tight leash. Well, I'll tell you. She was on the game when I found her.'

'You what?'

He held his hand up to quiet me. 'Fourteen, and on the game. Not good. I had to dice up a ponce to get to her, and then another. I looked at that gal and I said if I do one decent thing in my life I'm gonna pull that little gal out of that life. You with me?'

I nodded. This wasn't quite the same story that Terri had told me.

He went on. 'It ain't easy though. They get a taste for it. That life I mean. Know what I'm talking about?'He looked out of the window. 'It keeps calling 'em back. Like a drug. Like one of these junkies. It's like, in 'em. They gotta 'ave it. c.o.c.k-happy. It's there for life, ain't it?

'So I has to keep pulling 'er back. Why don't I let her go? I could. I could let her go her own way. But I made this promise. To myself. To her. It's hard work, I tell you. Women are crafty. Very crafty. They'd have you st.i.tched up in seconds. You think you see 'em coming but you don't. Look around you. Ain't a woman in this pub you couldn't have if you set your mind to it. Married, boyfriend, it don't matter.

'And that's what I know. As for her, I keep her on the straight and narrow. Served time for her, I have. Protected her. Put up with hards.h.i.+ps. Stop her slipping back into it, you understand me?'

I said I did.

'Ha! Look at your face! You don't know nothin' about it, do you?' He stubbed out his cigarette in the ashtray with a series of rapid, hard jabs and took his wallet out of his pocket. He found two ten pound notes, folded them and flicked them across the table to me.

'What's that?'

'Don't ask.'

Once again, this was almost what I was paid weekly in addition to meals and lodgings. 'What am I supposed to do with it?'

'Do with it? Do what you want with it, you dozy f.u.c.k. I'm flush. Ain't anyone ever give you no money before now?'

'Well. No.'

He shook his head. 'You're a right one, incha? f.u.c.kin' college boy. Listen: I have a kid somewhere. They wouldn't let me see him. Be about the same age as you. I like to think he wouldn't be cleaning or in no factory or f.u.c.kin' coal mine. Maybe he'd be at college, smart-a.r.s.e like you. Maybe someone somewhere will sling him twenty notes.'

'It's too much. I can't take it, Colin.'

'Take it.' He looked at me when he said take it and I knew he meant that I had no choice. I picked up the money and I put it in my pocket. 'Anyway, it's nice to know I've got someone on the inside looking after my interests.'

'I've got to go, Colin. I'll be late for the yard-of-ale compet.i.tion.'

'Want a lift back?'

'It's two minutes.'

'Okay. I'll be in touch.' He lit another cigarette and sat back.

I still can't believe that just an hour after having s.e.x with his wife I walked out of that pub with twenty of his pounds in my pocket.

Later, in the cooler evening, the ladybirds began to subside. After I'd finished work I made my way up to the same dark place on the beach. After my encounter with Colin I didn't want to go but I'd arranged to meet Terri there again before Colin had intercepted me. I a.s.sumed she knew Colin was back on the scene, and I was quite prepared for her not to turn up. But when I got there she was waiting with a blanket and a couple of beers. She did of course know that he was around, but she was very surprised that I'd seen him that day.

'What's he want with you?'

'I'm supposed to keep an eye on you.'

She found that amusing. 'Jeez!'

'Maybe we should leave it. Are you sure he's not following you?'

'Not tonight. I know exactly where he is tonight. Cards club. Once a month to p.i.s.s his money away. That's why he's back. He ain't here to see me.'

I looked back up the beach. 'I don't know about this.'

'It's all right. I'm sure. Look at you. You got the jitters now, haven't you?'

I felt trapped. After what had happened between us I was afraid she might think I was drawing back from her. We walked on a little way and then she spread the blanket on the sand and popped open a beer. The luminous ripples of the waves did nothing to calm my nerves.

'Relax, will you?'

The sea was blue-black, calm with a light, foamy tide. What had seemed like a beach in paradise a few nights ago now seemed to have a smoky edge. The phosph.o.r.escence in the waves was still at large, but now it had a wormy quality. But it wasn't the beach that had changed.

Terri would talk about other workers on the camp in quite brutal terms. Somehow she got onto the subject of Nikki. She called her a half-wog.

'Stop,' I said, 'stop. You know what? Nikki is amazing.'

'You think,' she said dryly.

'Yes, I do. She's become a good friend. The only friend I do have here, not counting you.' That last phrase came out like an afterthought.

'How good a friend is she then?'

I knew exactly what she was hinting at but I said, 'How do you mean?'

'Never mind. What about Colin? Sounds like he's your big buddy now.'

I ignored that. Whatever relations.h.i.+p I had with Terri, I wasn't going to allow her to slag off Nikki. Already the evening wasn't playing out in the expected way so I tried to change the subject.

I took my wallet out of my pocket and showed her the photograph of my biological father. I've no idea why. It wasn't something I went around discussing freely with anyone. In fact it was a kind of secret. Perhaps I'd made the basic error of thinking that emotional intimacy automatically follows s.e.xual intimacy. I told her I had this idea that my biological father was always close. That he was somehow here for me.

It now sounds impossibly naive. It was a half-baked idea. I hadn't worked it out, but if I'd hoped to develop the notion any further by talking with Terri, I was mistaken. I told her the little bit I knew. She examined the photo briefly and then slung it back at me. 'You think you've had it rough?' she said.

'I'm not saying that at all.'

'You've been brought up in cotton wool.'

'That's not what I meant. I was just telling you that-'

She wasn't going to let me finish. 'I could tell you things about my own life that would make your hair fall out. At least you know who your dad is or you think you do. I've no idea and you don't see me crying about it.'

'I'm not crying about it.' Her hard-hearted posturing only made me smile.

'I don't see why you're smirking.'

Her irritation only made me smile more. Heaven knows, I thought she was faking being cross with me, but I misread her mood. 'That's it,' she said with a nasty wheedle in her voice, 'you can f.u.c.k off. You're not getting it tonight.'

'What?'

'You heard. I said you're not getting it.'

It, of course, being s.e.x. I was taken aback. Firstly, I had never imagined s.e.x as a bargaining token or a credit chip to be offered and withdrawn in this way. Secondly, I couldn't imagine anyone who wasn't in the mood being open to s.e.x. Here I was facing the withdrawal of privileges I hadn't even asked for. The evening had turned sour and I wasn't entirely sure why. I felt the second argument had something to do with the first. Quite apart from the fact that I was worried about Colin prowling the beach, the episode stirred deeper doubts in mind about what I was doing. If I'd ever seen myself as Terri's rescuer I'd been a fool. It now occurred to me that in her mind she might have thought she was the one doing the rescuing.

She swallowed the last mouthful of beer and slung the bottle into the sea. I wanted to say something about children cutting their feet on broken gla.s.s but I let it go. She was already up and folding the blanket. Without a word she set off ahead of me, moving toward the lights of the promenade.

I didn't see Terri the next day, but the following morning we almost collided in front of the theatre. She behaved as if our spat hadn't happened. She'd been re-a.s.signed to clean in the theatre again and that meant she'd been obliged to return her keys for the refurbished chalets. Our love nest was taken away from us and we had nowhere private to meet.

'What will we do?' she asked.

I said I didn't know. The truth is it was almost a relief. Then she suggested we use my room.

'That's not a good idea,' I said.

She narrowed her eyes at me. I was afraid that she suspected I was withdrawing. I couldn't tell whether what I saw in her eyes was contempt or hurt. She could seem vulnerable one moment and then cast-iron the next. I weakened and we arranged to meet in my room at lunch time.

We'd been in my room for maybe ten minutes when we were brought to our senses by the sound of a key hitting the lock from the other side of the door. Fortunately I'd secured the door with my own key and left it hanging in the lock.

There was a loud thumping. 'Got someone in there, you maladjusted boy?' It was n.o.bby, making one of his rare visits back to his room. 'Wickedness. Fire and brimstone shall come to thee, young man. Plus I'm going to 'ave to report you to the Secret Masters who run this august lodge since you are in clear violation of rule number seventy-seven which expressly prohibits the wayward practice of afternoon nuptials etcetera etcetera etcetera can't you open this f.u.c.kin' door?'

'Jesus!' Terri whispered.

I shouted through the door. 'n.o.bby, can you come back later?'

'Later is tomorrow is no good is surplus to tomorrow's requirements. Did I leave my d.i.c.ky in there?'

'You what?'

'd.i.c.ky! d.i.c.ky! d.i.c.ky bow! Formal neckpiece throat-b.u.t.terfly f.u.c.kin' bow-tie is it in there my friend I need it for tonight? It'll only take me two seconds to ascertain presence of said couture oh for f.u.c.k's sake!'

'Where? Where is it? I'll look.'

'I dunno, in the drawer, stuck in my drawers in the wardrobe under the bed fallen behind the f.u.c.kin' walrus secreted in a shoe stuffed under the mattress, come on chief, I don't know, let me f.u.c.kin' well look an' I'll find it!'

'You can't come in. I'll have a good look for you and bring it to you later.'

I resisted all his protests until finally he went away. We heard him go out of the building, blethering incomprehensibly. I lifted back the curtain to see him trotting across the yard away from us, still prattling to himself.

'Is he on drugs?' Terri asked me.