Chocoholics: Love And Lists Part 6

"Really? Quick, what are the ten erogenous zones on a woman? GO!" he shouts.

"I love when Drew touches my erroneous zones," Aunt Jenny says with a sigh.

Ignoring her, I run through every article I've ever read in a magazine or online. "GAAAAH! f.u.c.k! Um, neck, lips, feet, inner thighs-"

"BZZZZZZZZZZ. WRONG, f.u.c.kER!" Drew interrupts.

"What? Those were totally right. And I wasn't done yet," I argue.

"Those are wrong. Want to know what the ten erogenous zones on a woman are? Number one: v.a.g.i.n.a. Number two: it doesn't f.u.c.king matter if you're touching her v.a.g.i.n.a right!" Uncle Drew shouts. "You are a disgrace. Your mother should have swallowed."

I give him the finger before he turns back to the board and begins scribbling furiously.

"Jenny, get the lawn darts and the graham crackers out of your bag. We're sending Gavin back to s.e.x-Ed. By the time we're done with you, Charlotte will be eating out of your hand. Literally. Jenny does this awesome thing with Nutella and a lint brush that will blow your mind."

Before my aunt and uncle walked into my office today, I had sworn off the list that Tyler and I made, vowing to never look at it again. Right now, that list is looking better and better.

The only way to forget everything I saw today is to bleach my eyes. But that really isn't an option since I'd still like to be able to look at Charlotte. Instead, I'm getting drunk.

"You know what word isn't used enough in the English language? a.n.a.l glands."

I nod in agreement, not even really paying attention to Tyler since I'm currently staring at Charlotte across the bar. She's so pretty and nice and pretty.

"I shouldn't have had that last shot of Crown. I can't feel my chalk," Tyler mumbles.

I haven't talked to Charlotte since v.i.a.g.r.agate 2013 last week. She's been busy job hunting, and I've been busy being mortified. I knew she'd be here at this bar tonight because we've been coming to Fosters every Sat.u.r.day night for as long as I can remember. My mom used to bartend here back when I was little, and the same couple still own the bar. Mr. and Mrs. Foster are in their seventies. They always let us drink for free and constantly ask us if we want to play P.O.R.N. I have no idea why they always ask that, and frankly, I don't want to know. Tyler swears that one of these times he's going to take them up on their offer because he thinks they'll take him into the backroom and show him their secret stash of old people p.o.r.n.

All the alcohol I've consumed tonight hasn't erased my fear that I don't know how to please a woman. One s.e.xual experience does not a master make. Ha! That rhymes with m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.e! Which I'm never doing again. What was I saying? Oh, yeah ... I know how to power up a Jack Rabbit and make a woman come three times within a minute, in theory. But what if I actually get the chance to be with Charlotte and I suck b.a.l.l.s?

Not that I would suck b.a.l.l.s. There shouldn't be any ball-sucking going on from my end of things.

Charlotte was already here at Fosters with a few of her girlfriends when we arrived an hour ago. I probably could have just gone over to her and pretended like she hadn't seen my giant erection the last time we were together, but instead, I waved to her and proceeded to act aloof, taking a seat on the opposite side of the bar.

I don't care if you saw me with a hard-on in public. It's totally cool. Happens all the time. I am totally secure with my p.e.n.i.s pop-ups.

"I think I'm going to make a new list," I tell Tyler suddenly. "I'm going to use some of your ideas and some of Uncle Drew's ideas and it's totally going to work."

I finish off my Jack and c.o.ke and slam the empty gla.s.s on top of the bar.

"That's a good idea, bro. You should totally drive the Honda to the Californias," Tyler agrees.

"I just need to get rid of the disturbing things on Uncle Drew's list. Did you know that goat t.e.s.t.i.c.l.es dipped in honey are an aphrodisiac? Or maybe it's just honey ..."

Tyler suddenly smacks me on the arm. "Dude. Charlotte is totally staring at you. Wow, she's got a lot of facial hair."

I look across the bar and see a guy waving at us a few stools down from Charlotte.

"That's not Charlotte, you d.i.c.k. That's Brad Manginallo. We went to school with him." I wave back at Brad and signal for him to come over and join us.

"Didn't we used to call him Mangina?" Tyler asks.

"Yes. And he threatened to kick your a.s.s, so you might not want to do that again."

Brad comes over to us and I give him a pat on the back and pull out the stool on the other side of me.

"MANGINA!" Tyler yells in greeting.

"I see you haven't changed at all, Ty," Brad says with a laugh.

Brad was in a fraternity in college and a pretty cool guy, even if he was in the same frat as Rocco. For some reason, I was always told by my parents to stay far away from fraternities. It was actually one of their rules for letting me go away to college. No fraternities and no beer pong. Obviously, I obeyed the first rule. Not so much the second one.

"I hear you're some big wig at a d.i.l.d.o plant or something," Brad says with a laugh. "You always looked like the type of guy who liked to play with p.e.n.i.ses all day."

I take that back. Brad is not a cool guy anymore.

"Yeah, he makes all those toys your mom uses on her huge v.a.g.i.n.a," Tyler retorts. "MANGINA!"

Brad doesn't look happy about Tyler's repeated use of his nickname, and this makes me happy.

"Anyway, I'm working for my dad's financial company. I'm pulling in about two-hundred K a year," Brad tells us.

Was he this much of a douche in college?

"You're so awesome, Mangina," Tyler tells him with a smile.

"Don't you still work at The Gap and live in your mom's bas.e.m.e.nt?" Brad asks him with another c.o.c.ky laugh.

"Yeah, I still work at The Gap. But now I live in your mom's bas.e.m.e.nt and pay my rent with daily sperm deposits on her face. MANGINA!"

Brad is really getting p.i.s.sed off now, but it's obvious he's trying to keep his cool so he doesn't look like an a.s.shole for punching Tyler in the face. Normally, I'm all for letting someone beat the s.h.i.+t out of Tyler when he's saying d.i.c.ky things, but this is too entertaining to put a stop to.

"Either of you d.i.c.ks know who that hot chick is on the other side of the bar? She's totally checking me out," Brad informs us.

I don't even bother looking across the bar because I'm pretty sure he's talking about Charlotte, and the idea that she would find him even remotely attractive is disgusting.

Eventually, I look over at her just to see if she's really eyeing Brad, but she's not. She's staring right at me. She smiles at me and I watch as she says something to one of her friends and hops down off of her stool on unsteady feet. She wobbles a little bit and her friends cheer and scream her name as she walks away from them and over in our direction. I'm pretty sure I heard one of them scream, "Give it to him, Charlie!" but I'm too busy wondering if I'm sober enough to punch Brad in the face if he says anything inappropriate to her.

My eyes grow wide and Brad immediately stops talking about how awesome he is as Charlotte squeezes her small body in between the two of us. With her back to Brad, she inches in between my legs and closer to me until our noses are almost touching.

"Hey, Gavin, why don't you introduce me to your friend," Brad says over Charlotte's shoulder.

I ignore him and stare directly into Charlotte's eyes.

"I'm a little drunk," she whispers.

"Me, too."

We smile at each other, and I can see Brad staring at us out of the corner of my eye.

She frowns. "I got into a fight with Rocco tonight."

"I'm sorry," I tell her, even though I'm not.

"My name's Brad. I work for McDonald Investments downtown. I'm sure you've heard of it."

I can feel Charlotte's warm breath against my lips as she continues to stare at me. She's never looked at me like this before, and I really hope I don't do something stupid.

"Don't lie, Mangina. You really work at the drive-thru of McDonald's flipping burgers. Do you want fries with that, Mangina?" Tyler says with a laugh.

"So, my girlfriends all dared me to do something to get back at Rocco. But I don't know if I should do it," she whispers.

I can't process what she's saying right now because she's moved in closer, and I can feel her b.r.e.a.s.t.s up against my chest. She's still a little wobbly on her feet, and since I'm such a gentleman, I place my hands on her hips so she doesn't fall.

"But I kind of have to do it since it's a dare, you know?"

I don't know. I don't know and I don't care about anything right now but keeping her exactly where she is and never letting her go. She fits perfectly in between my thighs and she smells amazing, just like always.

"We should all go outside so I can show you my new Porsche. It's parked right in front," Brad says loudly.

"No one cares, Mangina. Get in the kitchen and make me a Quarter Pounder!" Tyler tells him.

"I'm totally going to do this dare right now, okay? So don't freak out," Charlotte adds softly.

I nod in reply as I stare at her lips while they move. She has such pretty lips.

"Stop being a d.i.c.k, Tyler," Brad threatens.

"At least I have a d.i.c.k and not a MANGINA!" Tyler yells.

At this point, a few of the bar patrons have caught on to the shouting and join Tyler every time he yells Mangina. It's a fun word to yell, and I would totally be doing it if I wasn't so mesmerized by Charlotte's mouth.

Tyler and Brad are still arguing back and forth from either side of me, and before I can tell them to shut up, Charlotte suddenly leans forward and presses her lips to mine. I instinctively open my mouth on a surprised gasp and she takes the initiative, sliding her tongue past my lips and tangling it with mine. Her hands move to the back of my head, and she clutches the hair at the nape of my neck, pulling me harder against her mouth and deepening the kiss.

As half the bar starts chanting, "Mangina, Mangina, Mangina," I wrap my arms around her waist and hold her close, pouring everything I have into this kiss. Her friends dared her to kiss me so it means nothing to her, but it means everything to me and I want her to know that. All thoughts fly from my mind as our lips move together in perfect sync. She tastes like wine and I want to devour her. Her tongue glides against mine slowly, and I moan into her mouth, pulling her tighter against me. I move one of my hands up to her face, cupping her cheek as I deepen the kiss. I can't help myself; I slide my hand around to the back of her neck and grab a handful of her hair, clutching it in my hands. She whimpers against my lips and I'm instantly hard.

Charlotte suddenly ends the kiss and pulls her head back to stare at me. Her eyes are wide with shock, and I'm pretty sure she's completely mortified that she just kissed her best friend even if she's drunk. She probably thought it was a great idea at the time, and now she's regretting it because she can totally feel my hard-on pus.h.i.+ng into her. A kiss between friends changes everything, even if it's just a dare.

She slides out from between my legs without saying a word, and I watch her walk back to the other side of the bar to her friends. They all start giving her high fives and scream her name in congratulations for a perfectly executed dare. They surround her, and in the midst of the chaos, she looks back over at me. She doesn't smile. She just stares.

Tyler smacks his hand against my back, and I break our eye contact to turn and look at him, hoping he witnessed what just happened so he can tell me it was real. It feels like a dream right now.

"Dude, that was the best thing I've ever seen," Tyler says in awe.

Thank G.o.d. He saw. It was real. I wasn't dreaming.

"Right? I'm freaking out a little bit right now. I can't believe that just happened."

Tyler nods his head in agreement and signals the bartender.

"We need two shots of Crown for me and my buddy here. The most epic thing in the entire world just happened and we need to celebrate," Tyler tells the bartender.

The guy pours us two overflowing shots of Crown, and when he walks away, we each grab our gla.s.ses and hold them up in the air.

"Tonight we toast to something amazing. A man was brought to his knees and will never be the same again," Tyler states.

I wasn't actually brought to my knees since I was sitting. But it works. If Charlotte had kissed me while I was standing, I probably would have lost all feeling in my legs.

We clink our shot gla.s.ses together, and as I bring mine up to my lips, Tyler adds, "To Mangina. Thanks for looking at some chick tonight and screaming 'WILD p.u.s.s.y!' at her. The punch she gave you to the face was the best thing I've seen in my entire life."

Rolling over in bed, I'm immediately a.s.saulted with a pounding headache and the need to throw up. I groan as I move both of my hands up to my head and hold it in place. Slowly opening my eyes so that the bright morning sun doesn't make it feel like knives are stabbing through my skull, I scream and scramble up the bed until I slam against the headboard.

"HOLY f.u.c.k WHY ARE YOU NAKED?!"

Tyler opens his eyes with a groan and glances up at me. "Will you stop shouting? It's too early for this s.h.i.+t."

I stare in horror as he reaches down and scratches his b.a.l.l.s.

"Dude, WHY THE f.u.c.k ARE YOU NAKED?" I yell again.

Tyler yawns and scoots up until his back is against the headboard next to me. I immediately move as far away from him as possible without falling off the edge of the bed.

He casually looks down at himself and then up at me. "Oh my G.o.d. I'm naked and you're afraid. It's the Ohio version of Naked and Afraid. You should be building a fire and trying to make a bikini out of palms right now."

"Why do we make such bad life choices?!" I shout.

"Naked ... and afraid," he whispers menacingly with a laugh as he pulls one of legs up to rest his arm on top of it casually.

"What the h.e.l.l happened last night? I don't remember anything after that last shot, except for a bunch of people screaming 'Wild p.u.s.s.y' all night. Did that really happen?" I ask him as I get up out of bed and try to locate my cell phone.

"I roofied you because I wanted you naked ... and afraid," Tyler says again in a sinister voice.

As I get down on my knees to look for my phone under the bed, I hear my front door open and close. Before I can yell at Tyler to put some f.u.c.king clothes on, my dad is in the bedroom doorway.

"Gavin, I brought over some of your mail that ..."

He trails off when he sees me on my knees at the edge of the bed and Tyler casually lounging naked against the headboard.

"It's not what it looks like," I tell him with a sigh as he stares at both of us in horror.

"Yo, Mr. Ellis! Welcome to Naked and Afraid," Tyler says with a wave to my dad.

"I feel like I'm in The Crying Game right now," Dad mutters with a sad shake of his head.

Tyler swings his legs over the side of the bed and stands up, putting his hands on his hips. "Did you bring your lovely wife with you this morning? I should go and say hi." Tyler smiles.

"Tyler, for the love of G.o.d, cover your junk. I just had breakfast and I might puke. Gavin, your mail is on the counter. And just so you know, your mother and I will still love you no matter what life choices you make."

Dad turns and walks away as Tyler swings around gives me a big smile. "Naked ... and afraid, mother f.u.c.ker!"