The Well Of Lost Plots Part 32

'And make myself look an idiot? She'd tell everyone at Tabularasa's I'd be the laughing stock of them all!'

'Who cares? Dr Fnorp tells me it's affecting your work; do you want to end up as a walk-on part somewhere?'

'I really don't care,' he said sadly. 'Without Lola there isn't isn't much of a future.' much of a future.'

'There'll be other Generics!'

'Not like her. Always laughing and joking. When she's around the sun s.h.i.+nes and the birds sing.' He stopped and coughed, embarra.s.sed at his admission. 'You won't tell anyone I said all that stuff, will you?'

He was smitten good and proper.

'Randolph,' I said slowly, 'you have to tell her your feelings, if only for your own sake. This will prey on your mind for years!'

'What if she laughs at me?'

'What if she doesn't? There's a good chance she actually quite likes you!'

Randolph's shoulders slumped.

'I'll speak to her as soon as she gets back.'

'Good.' I looked at my watch. 'I've got roll-call in twenty minutes. Let the engine run for ten minutes and then shut her down. I'll see you tonight.'

'Who are we waiting for?' asked the Bellman.

'G.o.dot,' replied Benedict.

'Absent again again. Anybody know where he is?'

There was a ma.s.s shaking of heads.

The Bellman made a note in his book, tingled his bell and cleared his throat.

'Jurisfiction session number 40320 is now in session,' he said in a voice tinged with emotion. 'Item one.

Perkins and Snell. Fine operatives who made the ultimate sacrifice for duty. Their names will be carved into the Boojumorial to live for ever as inspiration for those who come after us. I call now for two minutes' silence. Perkins and Snell!'

'Perkins and Snell,' we all repeated, and stood in silent memory of those lost.

'Thank you,' said the Bellman after two minutes had ticked by. 'Commander Bradshaw will be taking over the bestiary. Mathias' mare has been contacted and asked me to say thank you to all those who sent tributes. The Perkins & Snell detective series will be taken over by B-2 clones from the tribute book, and I know you will join me in wis.h.i.+ng them the very best in their new venture.'

He paused and took a deep breath.

'These losses are a great shock to us all, and the lessons to be learned must not be ignored. We can never never be too careful. Okay, item two.' be too careful. Okay, item two.'

He turned over a page on his clipboard.

'Investigation of Perkins' death. Commander Bradshaw, doesn't this come under your remit?'

'Investigations are proceeding,' replied Bradshaw slowly. 'There is no reason to suppose that their deaths were anything other than an accident.'

'So what stops you closing the case?'

'Because,' replied Bradshaw, trying to think up an excuse quickly, 'because um we still want to speak to Vernham Deane.'

'Deane is somehow involved?' asked the Bellman.

'Yes perhaps.'

'Interesting turn of events,' said the Bellman, 'which brings us neatly on to item three. I'm sorry to announce that Vernham Deane has been placed on the PageRunners list.'

There was a sharp intake of breath. To be cla.s.sed as a PageRunner meant only one thing: illegal activities.

'We've known Vern since he was written, guys, and hard as it might be, we think he's done something pretty bad. Tweed, haven't you got something to say about this?'

Harris Tweed stood up and cleared his throat.

'Vernham Deane is familiar to all of us. As the resident cad in The Squire of High Potternews The Squire of High Potternews, he was well known for his cruelty towards the maidservant who he ravages and then casts from the house. The maid returns eight chapters later but three days ago the morning following Perkins' death, I might add she didn't.'

He placed a picture of an attractive dark-haired woman on the board.

'She's a C-3 Generic by the name of Mimi. Twenty years old, identification code: CDT/2511922.'

'What did Deane say about her disappearance?'

'That's just it,' replied Tweed grimly, 'he vanished at the same time. The Squire of High Potternews The Squire of High Potternews has been suspended pending further enquiries. It's been removed to the Well and will stay there until Deane returns. has been suspended pending further enquiries. It's been removed to the Well and will stay there until Deane returns. If If he returns.' he returns.'

'Aren't you leaping to conclusions just a little bit early?' asked Havisham, obviously concerned by the lack of objectivity in Tweed's report. 'Do we even have a motive?'

'We all liked Vern,' said Tweed, 'me included. Despite being a villain in Potternews Potternews, he never gave us any cause for alarm. I was surprised by what I found, and you might be too.'

He pulled a piece of paper from his top pocket and unfolded it.

'This is a copy of a refusal by the Council of Genres narrative realignment subcommittee to agree to Deane's application for an Internal Plot Adjustment.'

He pinned it to the board next to the picture of the maidservant.

'In it he requests that the maidservant die in childbirth, thus saving his character from the traumatic scene at the end of chapter twenty-eight when the maidservant turns up with the infant, now aged six, to his wedding to Ellen O'Shaugnessy, the wealthy mill-owner's daughter. With the maidservant out of the way he can marry O'Shaugnessy and not suffer the degrading slide into alcoholism and death that awaits him in chapter thirty-two. I'm sorry to say that he had motive, Miss Havisham. He also had the opportunity and the Jurisfiction skills to cover his tracks.'

There was silence as everyone took in the awful possibility of a Jurisfiction agent gone bad. The only time it had happened before was when David Copperfield murdered Dora Spenlow so he could marry Agnes Wickfield.

'Did you search his book?' asked Falstaff.

'Yes. We subjected The Squire of High Potternews The Squire of High Potternews to a word-by-word search and we found only one person who was not meant to be there a stowaway from Farquitt's previous book, to a word-by-word search and we found only one person who was not meant to be there a stowaway from Farquitt's previous book, Canon of Love Canon of Love, hiding in a cupboard in Potternews Hall. She was evicted back to the Well.'

'Have you tried the bookhounds?' enquired the Red Queen, running a cleaner through the barrel of her pistol. 'Once they get on to a scent, there's no stopping them.'

'We lost them at the fence-painting sequence in The Adventures of Tom Sawyer The Adventures of Tom Sawyer.'

'Tell them about the Perkins connection, Harris.'

'I think that is is a.s.sumption, Bellman, if you please,' answered Tweed. a.s.sumption, Bellman, if you please,' answered Tweed.

'Tell them,' repeated the Bellman, his shoulders sagging. 'I think everyone needs to know the full facts if we are to hunt Deane down.'

'Very well,' replied Tweed, upending a box and depositing a huge quant.i.ty of full stops, commas and semicolons on to the table.

'We found these hidden at the back of Deane's locker. We had them a.n.a.lysed and found traces of Guinness.'

' Ulysses Ulysses!' gasped Benedict.

'So it would appear,' replied Tweed gravely. 'Perkins mentioned something about a surprising discovery surprising discovery in a report filed the day before he died. We're working on the theory that Deane was involved in stealing or handling stolen punctuation. Perkins finds out so Deane releases the minotaur and vyrus to cover his tracks. Flushed with success and knowing he will have to vanish, he kills the maidservant, something he has been wanting to do since first publication.' in a report filed the day before he died. We're working on the theory that Deane was involved in stealing or handling stolen punctuation. Perkins finds out so Deane releases the minotaur and vyrus to cover his tracks. Flushed with success and knowing he will have to vanish, he kills the maidservant, something he has been wanting to do since first publication.'

'Isn't Perkins my investigation?' asked Bradshaw.

'My apologies,' replied Tweed. 'I will give you a full copy of my report.'

He stopped and sat down.

'I hate to say this,' began the Bellman sadly, 'but it seems as though we have underestimated Deane. Until I am shown otherwise I have no choice but to declare him a PageRunner. He is to be arrested on sight and exercise extreme caution. If he has killed twice he will not hesitate to kill again.'

We exchanged anxious glances. Being declared a PageRunner was serious few were captured alive.

'Item four,' continued the Bellman, 'the minotaur. We've got an APB out on him at present but until he turns up or does something stupid, we won't know where he is. There was a report he had crossed over into non-fiction, which I would love to believe. Until we know otherwise, everyone should keep a good lookout.'

He consulted his clipboard again.

'Item five. The 923rd annual BookWorld Awards. Because we are launching UltraWord at the same time, all serving members of the BookWorld have been invited. Obviously we can't leave books unmanned, so a skeleton staff will be left in charge. The venue will be the Starlight Room again, although with a displacement field technology we've borrowed from SF, so everyone can attend. This will mean extra security and I have allocated Falstaff to look after it. Any questions?'

There weren't, so he moved on.

'Item six. Thursday Next has been made a probationary Jurisfiction member. Where are you?'

I put up my hand.

'Good. Let me be the first to welcome you to the service and not before time; we need all the extra hands we can get. Ladies and gentlemen, Thursday Next!'

I smiled modestly. There was a round of applause and the people nearest me patted me on the arm.

'Well done!' said Tweed, who was close by.

'Miss Next will be afforded full rights and privileges although she will remain under Miss Havisham's watchful eye for twenty chapters or a year, whichever be the longer. Will you take her up to the Council of Genres and have her sworn in?'

'Happily,' replied Miss Havisham.

'Good. Item seven. The had had had had and and that that that that problem. Lady Cavendish, weren't you working on this?' problem. Lady Cavendish, weren't you working on this?'

Lady Cavendish stood up and gathered her thoughts.

'Indeed. The use of had had had had and and that that that that has to be strictly controlled; they can interrupt the ImaginoTransference quite dramatically, causing readers to go back over the sentence in confusion, something we try to avoid.' has to be strictly controlled; they can interrupt the ImaginoTransference quite dramatically, causing readers to go back over the sentence in confusion, something we try to avoid.'

'Go on.'

'It's mostly an unlicensed usage problem. At the last count David Copperfield David Copperfield alone had had alone had had had had had had sixty-three times, all but ten unapproved. sixty-three times, all but ten unapproved. Pilgrim's Progress Pilgrim's Progress may also be a problem owing to its may also be a problem owing to its had had had had / that that ratio.' ratio.'

'So what's the problem in Progress Progress?'

'That that had that that that that ten times but had had ten times but had had had had had had only thrice. Increased only thrice. Increased had had had had usage had had to be overlooked but not if the number exceeds that usage had had to be overlooked but not if the number exceeds that that that that that usage.' usage.'

'Hmm,' said the Bellman. 'I thought had had had had had had TGC's approval for use in d.i.c.kens? What's the problem?' had had TGC's approval for use in d.i.c.kens? What's the problem?'

'Take the first had had had had and and that that that that in the book by way of example,' explained Lady Cavendish. 'You would have thought that that first in the book by way of example,' explained Lady Cavendish. 'You would have thought that that first had had had had had had good occasion to be seen as had had good occasion to be seen as had had, had you not? Had Had had had approval but had had approval but had had had had had not; equally it is true to say that that had not; equally it is true to say that that that that that that had had approval but that that other had had approval but that that other that that that that had not.' had not.'

'So the problem with that other that that that that was that-? was that-?

'That that other-other that that that that had had approval.' had had approval.'

'Okay,' said the Bellman, whose head was in danger of falling apart like a chocolate orange, 'let me get this straight: David Copperfield David Copperfield, unlike Pilgrim's Progress Pilgrim's Progress, which had had had had, had had had had. Had had had. Had had had had had TGC's approval?' had had TGC's approval?'

There was a very long pause.

'Right,' said the Bellman with a sigh. 'That's it for the moment. I'll be giving out a.s.signments in ten minutes. Session's over and let's be careful out there.'

'Never would have thought it of Vernham, by George!' exclaimed Bradshaw as he walked up. 'He was like a son to me!'

'His character in Potternews Potternews wasn't that pleasant,' I observed. wasn't that pleasant,' I observed.

'We usually try and keep our book personalities separate from our Jurisfiction ones,' said Havisham.

'Think yourself lucky I don't carry over any of my personality from Great Expectations Great Expectations if I did I'd be pretty intolerable!' if I did I'd be pretty intolerable!'

'Yes,' I said diplomatically, 'I'm very grateful for it.'

'Ah!' said the Bellman as he joined us. 'Miss Havisham. You're to go and swear Agent Next at the C of G, then get yourself to the Well and see if you can find any clues inside The Squire of High Potternews The Squire of High Potternews. If possible I want him alive. But,' he added, 'take no risks.'

'Understood,' replied Miss Havisham.

'Good!' enthused the Bellman, clapping his hands together and departing to talk to the Red Queen.

Havisham beckoned me over to her desk and indicated for me to sit.

'Firstly, congratulations on becoming a full Jurisfiction agent.'

'I'm not ready for this!' I hissed. 'I'm probably going to fall flat on my face!'

'Probably has nothing nothing to do with it,' replied Havisham. 'You shall. Failure concentrates the mind wonderfully. If you don't make mistakes you're not trying hard enough.' to do with it,' replied Havisham. 'You shall. Failure concentrates the mind wonderfully. If you don't make mistakes you're not trying hard enough.'

I started to thank her for her faint praise but she interrupted.