The Well Of Lost Plots Part 20

Humpty Dumpty handed me a list of demands, neatly written on a page of foolscap paper. The crowd grew suddenly silent. A sea of eyes, all blinking expectantly, were directed at me.

'I promise nothing nothing,' I said, taking the piece of paper, 'but if I see Libris, I will give this to him okay?'

'Thank you very much,' said Humpty. 'At last someone someone from Jurisfiction will listen!' from Jurisfiction will listen!'

I turned away and overheard Humpty say to Grundy: 'Well, I thought that went pretty well, didn't you?'

I walked briskly up the front steps of Norland Park, where I was admitted by the same frog-like footman I had seen on my first visit. I crossed the hall and entered the ballroom. Miss Havisham was at her desk with Akrid Snell, who was talking into the footnoterphone. Standing next to them was Bradshaw, who had not not retired as promised, filling out a form with the Bellman, who appeared very grave. The only other occupant of the room was Harris Tweed, who was reading a report. He looked up as I entered, said nothing and continued reading. Miss Havisham was studying some photographs as I walked up. retired as promised, filling out a form with the Bellman, who appeared very grave. The only other occupant of the room was Harris Tweed, who was reading a report. He looked up as I entered, said nothing and continued reading. Miss Havisham was studying some photographs as I walked up.

'd.a.m.n and blast!' she said, looking at one before tossing it over her shoulder and staring at the next.

'Pathetic!' she muttered, looking at another. 'Derisive!'

'Perkins?' I asked, sitting down.

'Speed camera pictures back from the labs,' she said, handing them over. 'I thought I would have topped one hundred and sixty, but look well, it's pitiful pitiful, that's what it is!'

I looked. The speed camera had caught the Higham Special but recorded only a top speed of 152.76 mph.

But what was worse, it showed Mr Toad travelling at over over a hundred and eighty and he had even raised his hat at the speed camera as he went past. a hundred and eighty and he had even raised his hat at the speed camera as he went past.

'I managed a hundred and seventy when I tried it on the M4,' she said sadly. 'Trouble is, I need a longer stretch of road or sand. Well, can't be helped now. The car has been sold. I'll have to go cap in hand to Sir Malcolm if I want to get a shot at beating Toad.'

'Norland Park to Perkins,' said Snell into the footnoterphone, 'come in, please. Over.'

I looked at Havisham.

'No answer for almost six hours,' she said. 'Mathias isn't answering either we got a Yahoo once but you might as well talk to Mrs Bennett. What's that?'

'It's a list of demands from the nurseries outside.'

'Rabble,' replied Havisham, 'all of them replaceable. How hard can it be, appearing in a series of rhyming couplets? If they don't watch themselves they'll be replaced by scab Generics from the Well. It happened when the Amalgamated Union of Gateway Guardians struck in 1932. They never learn.'

'All they want is a holiday-'

'I shouldn't concern yourself with nursery politics, Miss Next,' said Havisham, so sharply I jumped.

'Good work on the ProCath attack,' announced Tweed, who had walked over. 'I've had a word with Plum over at JurisTech; he's going to extend the footnoterphone network to cover more of Wuthering Heights Wuthering Heights we shouldn't have a problem with mobilefootnoterphones dropping out again.'

'We'd better not,' replied MissHavisham coldly. 'Lose Heathcliff and the Council of Genres will have our colons for garters. Now, to work. We don't know what to expect as regards the minotaur, so we have to be prepared.'

'Like boy scouts?'

'Can't stand them, but that's beside the point. Turn to page seven eighty-nine in your TravelBook.'

I did as she bade. This was in an area of the book where the pages contained gadgets in hollowed-out recesses deeper than the book was thick. One page contained a device similar to a flare gun which had 'Mk IV TextMarker' written on its side. Another page had a gla.s.s panel covering a handle like a fire alarm. A note painted on the gla.s.s read: 'IN UNPRECEDENTED EMERGENCY, BREAK GLa.s.s'. The page Havisham had indicated was neither of these; page 789 contained a brown Homburg hat. Hanging from the brim was a large red toggle with 'In emergency pull down sharply' written on it. There was also a chin strap, something I've never seen on a Homburg before or even a fedora or trilby, come to that.

Havisham took the hat from my hands and gave me a brief induction course.

'This is the Martin-Bacon Mk VII Eject-O-Hat,' she explained, for high-speed evacuation from a book.

Takes you straight out in an emergency.'

'Where to?'

'A little-known novel ent.i.tled The Middle of Next Week The Middle of Next Week. You can make your way out to the Library at leisure. But be warned: the jump can be painful, even fatal so it should only be used as a last resort.

Remember to keep the chin strap tight or it'll take your ears off during the ejection sequence. I will say "JUMP!" twice by the third I will have gone. Any questions?'

'How does it work?'

'I'll rephrase that any questions I can possibly hope to answer?'

'Does this mean we'll see Bradshaw without his pith helmet?'

'Ha-ha!' Bradshaw laughed, releasing the toggle from the brim. 'I have the smaller Mk XII version it could be fitted into a beret or a veil, if we so wished.'

I picked up the Homburg from the table and put it on.

'What are you expecting?' I asked slightly nervously, adjusting the chin strap.

'We think the minotaur has escaped,' she answered gravely. 'If it has and we meet it, just pull the cord as quickly as you can. It always takes at least ten to twelve words to initiate a standard jump you could be minotaur appetiser by that time.'

I pulled out my automatic to check it but Bradshaw shook his head.

'Your Outlander lead will not be enough.'

He held up the box of cartridges he had signed for.

'Boojum-tipped,' he explained, tapping the large hunting rifle he was carrying, 'for total annihilation.

Back to text in under a second. We call them Eraserheads. Snell? Are you ready?'

Snell had a fedora version of the Eject-O-Hat which suited his trenchcoat a bit better. He grunted but didn't look up. This a.s.signment was personal. Perkins was his partner-not just at Jurisfiction but in the Perkins & Snell series of detective novels. If Perkins was hurt in some way, the future could be bleak.

Generics could be trained to take over a vacated part, but it's never the same.

'Okay,' said Havisham, adjusting her own Homburg, 'we're out of here. Hold on to me, Next. If we are split up we'll meet at the gatehouse no one enters the castle without Bradshaw, okay?'

Everyone agreed and Havisham mumbled to herself the code word and some of the text of Sword of the Sword of the Zen.o.bians Zen.o.bians.

Pretty soon Norland Park had vanished and the bright sun of Zen.o.bia greeted us. The gra.s.s was springy under foot and herds of unicorns grazed peacefully beside the river. Grammasites wheeled in the blue skies, riding the thermals that rose from the warm gra.s.sland.

'Everyone here?' asked Havisham.

Bradshaw, Snell and I nodded our heads. We walked in silence, past the bridge, up to the old gatehouse and across the drawbridge. A dark shadow leaped from a corner of the deserted guardroom but before Bradshaw could fire Havisham yelled 'Wait!' and he stopped. It was a Yahoo but he hadn't come to throw his s.h.i.+t about, he was running away in terror.

Bradshaw and Havisham exchanged nervous looks and we moved closer to where Perkins and Mathias had been doing their work. The door was broken and the hinges had vanished, replaced by two very light burn marks.

'Hold it!' said Bradshaw, pointing at the hinges. 'Did Perkins hold any vyrus on the premises?'

For a moment I didn't understand why Bradshaw was asking this question, but realisation slowly dawned upon me. He meant the mispeling vyrus. The hinges had become singes singes. The vyrus was a lot more powerful than I had supposed. Mispeled speech was only the start of it.

'Yes,' I replied, 'a small jar well s.h.i.+elded by dictionaries.'

There was a strange and pregnant pause. The danger was real and very clear, and even seasoned PROs like Bradshaw and Havisham were thinking twice about entering Perkins' lab.

'What do you think?' asked Bradshaw.

'Vyrus and and a minotaur,' Havisham sighed. 'We need more than the four of us.' a minotaur,' Havisham sighed. 'We need more than the four of us.'

'I'm going in,' said Snell, pulling a respirator from his TravelBook. The mask was made of rubber and similar to the ones at home only with a dictionary where the filter would have been. It wasn't just one dictionary, either the Lavina-Webster had been taped back to back with the Oxford English Dictionary.

'Don't forget your carrot,' said Havisham, pinning a vegetable to the front of his jacket.

'I'll need the rifle,' said Snell.

No,' replied Bradshaw, 'I signed for it, so I'm keeping it.'

'This is not the time for sticking to the rules, Bradshaw my partner's in there!'

'This is exactly exactly the time we should stick to the rules, Snell.' the time we should stick to the rules, Snell.'

They stared at one another.

'Then I'll go alone,' replied Snell with finality, pulling the mask down over his face and releasing the safety catch on his automatic. Havisham caught his elbow as she rummaged in her TravelBook for her own mask. 'We go together or not at all, Akrid.'

I found the correct page for the mask, pulled it out of its slot and put it on under the Eject-O-Hat. Miss Havisham pinned a carrot to my jacket, too.

'A carrot is the best litmus test for the mispeling vyrus,' she said, helping Bradshaw on with his mask. 'As soon as the carrot comes into contact with the vyrus, it will start to mispel into parrot parrot. You need to be out before it can talk. We have a saying: "When you can hear Polly, use the brolly." '

She tapped the toggle of the Eject-O-Hat.

'Understand?'

I nodded.

'Good. Bradshaw, lead the way!'

We stepped carefully across the door with its mispeled hinges and into the lab, which was in a state of chaotic disorder. Mispeling was merely an annoyance to readers in the real world but inside inside fiction it was a menace. The mispeling was the effect of sense distortion, not the cause once the internal meaning of a word started to break down then the mispeling arose as a consequence of this. Unmispeling the word at TGC might work if the vyrus hadn't taken a strong hold but usually it was pointless; like making the beds in a burning house. fiction it was a menace. The mispeling was the effect of sense distortion, not the cause once the internal meaning of a word started to break down then the mispeling arose as a consequence of this. Unmispeling the word at TGC might work if the vyrus hadn't taken a strong hold but usually it was pointless; like making the beds in a burning house.

The interior of the laboratory was heavily disrupted. On the far wall the shelves were filled with a noisy company of feather-bound rooks; feather-bound rooks; we stepped forward on to we stepped forward on to the fattened tarpit the fattened tarpit only to see that the Jasper Fforde - Thursday Next 03 - The Well of Lost Plots only to see that the imposing table in the centre of the room was now an enormous label label. The gla.s.s apparatus had become gra.s.s asparagus gra.s.s asparagus, and worst of all, Mathias the talking horse was simply a large model house - house - like a doll's house but much more detailed. Miss Havisham looked at me and pointed to her carrot. Already it was starting to change colour I could see tinges of red, yellow and blue. like a doll's house but much more detailed. Miss Havisham looked at me and pointed to her carrot. Already it was starting to change colour I could see tinges of red, yellow and blue.

'Careful,' said Snell, 'look!'

On the floor next to more shards of broken gra.s.s gra.s.s was a small layer of the same purple mist I had seen the last time I was here. The area of the floor touched by the vyrus was constantly changing meaning, texture, colour and appearance. was a small layer of the same purple mist I had seen the last time I was here. The area of the floor touched by the vyrus was constantly changing meaning, texture, colour and appearance.

'Where was the minotaur kept?' asked Havisham, her carrot beginning to sprout a small beak.

I pointed the way and Bradshaw took the lead. I pulled out my gun, despite Bradshaw's a.s.surances that it was a waste of time, and he gently pushed open the door to the vault beneath the old hall. Snell snapped on a torch and flicked the beam into the chamber. The door to the minotaur's cage was open but of the beast there was no sign. I wish I could have said the same for Perkins. He or what was left of him was lying on the stone floor. The minotaur had devoured him up to his chest. His spine had been picked clean and the lower part of a leg had been thrown to one side. I choked at the sight and felt a knot rise in my throat. Bradshaw cursed and turned to cover the doorway. Snell dropped to his knees to close Perkins'

eyes, which were staring off into s.p.a.ce, a look of fear still etched upon his features. Miss Havisham laid a hand on Snell's shoulder.

'I'm so sorry, Akrid. Perkins was a good man.'

'I can't believe he would have been so stupid,' muttered Snell angrily.

'We should be leaving,' said Bradshaw. 'Now we know there is definitely definitely a minotaur loose, we must come back better armed and with more agents!' a minotaur loose, we must come back better armed and with more agents!'

Snell got up. Behind his MV mask I could see tears in his eyes. Miss Havisham looked at me and pointed to her carrot, which had started to sprout feathers. A proper clean-up gang would be needed. Snell placed his jacket over Perkins and joined us as Bradshaw led the way out.

'Back to Norland, yes?'

'I've hunted minotaur before,' said Bradshaw, his instincts alerted. 'Tsaritsyn, 1944. They never stray far from the kill.'

'Bradshaw-!' urged Miss Havisham, but the commander wasn't the sort to take orders from another, not even someone as forthright as Havisham.

'I don't get it,' murmured Snell, stopping for a moment and staring at the chaos within the laboratory and the small glob of purple mist on the floor. 'There just isn't enough vyrus here to cause the problems we've seen.'

'What are you saying?' I asked.

Bradshaw looked carefully out of the open door, indicated all was clear and beckoned for us to leave.

'There might be some more more vyrus around,' continued Snell. 'What's in this cupboard?' vyrus around,' continued Snell. 'What's in this cupboard?'

He strode towards a small wooden cabinet that had telephone directory pages pasted all over it.

'Wait!' said Bradshaw, striding from the other side of the room. 'Let me.'

He grasped the handle as a thought struck me. They weren't telephone directory pages, they were from a dictionary. The door was s.h.i.+elded s.h.i.+elded.

I shouted but it was too late. Bradshaw opened the cupboard and was bathed in a faint purple light. The cabinet contained two dozen or so broken jars, all of which leaked the pestilential vyrus.

'Ahh!' he cried, staggering backwards and dropping his gum gum as the carrot transformed into a very loud as the carrot transformed into a very loud parrot parrot. Bradshaw, his actions instinctive after years of training, pulled the cord on his Eject-O-Hat and vanished with a loud bang.

The room mutated as the mispelmg got a hold. The floor buckled and softened into flour flour, the walls changed into b.a.l.l.s b.a.l.l.s. I looked across at Havisham. Her carrot was a parrot, too it had hopped to her other shoulder and was looking at me with its head c.o.c.ked to one side.

'GO, GO!' she yelled at me, pulling the cord on her hat and vanis.h.i.+ng like Bradshaw before her. I grasped the handle on mine and pulled but it came off in my hand. I threw it to the ground where it became a candle candle.

'Hear,' said Snell, removing his own Eject-O-Hat, 'use myne.'

'Bat the vyruz!'

'Hange the vyruz, Neckts jist go!'

He did not look at me again. He just walked towards the cupboard with the broken jars and slowly closed the door, his hands melting into glands glands as he touched the raw power of the vyrus. I ran outside, casting off the now useless hat and attempting to clip on the chin strap of Snell's. It wasn't easy. I caught my foot on a piece of half-buried masonry and fell headlong to land within three paces of two large cloven hoofs. as he touched the raw power of the vyrus. I ran outside, casting off the now useless hat and attempting to clip on the chin strap of Snell's. It wasn't easy. I caught my foot on a piece of half-buried masonry and fell headlong to land within three paces of two large cloven hoofs.

I looked up. The minotaur was semi-crouched on his muscular haunches, ready to jump. His bull's head was large and sat heavily on his body what neck he had was hidden beneath taut muscle. Within his mouth two rows of fine pointed teeth were s.h.i.+ny with saliva, and his sharpened horns pointed forward, ready to attack. Five years eating nothing but yogurt. You might as well feed a tiger on custard creams.