Extreme Denial Part 50

"Joey knew how much I hated it. Even though I wore ear protectors, every gunshot made me flinch. That made him laugh. Then he thought it would be really hilarious to make me do the shooting-.357 Magnums, .45s. The most powerful handguns. All the way up to .44 Magnums. Sometimes, I think he taught me how to shoot because he loved the thrill of knowing all those loaded guns were around me, taunting me, daring me to try to use one against him. He went to great pains to make me understand the h.e.l.l he would put me through if I was ever foolish enough to try. Then he made me learn to use shotguns. Louder. With a more punis.h.i.+ng recoil. That's what I used to kill him," Beth said. "A shotgun."

"Hush."

"A double-barrel. The same type I used tonight."

"Hush." Decker kissed a tear from her cheek. "From now on, the past doesn't exist."

"Does that mean your past doesn't exist, also?"

"What are you getting at?"

"Did you lose the openness you found here? Have you truly reverted? Have you sealed yourself off again and gone back to feeling apart from things?"

"Not apart from you," Decker said. "Not apart from this." He gestured toward the sun above the mountains, toward the aspen starting to turn yellow in the ski basin, toward the green of the pinon trees in the foothills and the mustard-colored chamisa in the red and orange of the brilliant high desert. "But there are things in my life that I do feel apart from, that I don't want you to know about, that I don't want to have to remember."

"Believe me, I feel the same way."

"I'll never ask you about those things," Decker said, "and you never have to tell me about them, not if you don't want to. I can only imagine the fear and confusion you must have felt, coming to Santa Fe, trying to hide from the mob, knowing I had skills to help you. You saw me as a savior, and you grabbed for me. Was that using me? If it was, I'm glad you did-because I never would have met you otherwise. Even if I had known you were using me, I would have wanted you to use me."

Decker reached into the back of his car and pulled out the travel bag containing the million dollars. "For a time, after I rescued you, I thought you were staying with me because of this."

Decker carried the bag toward the fire.

Beth looked startled. "What are you going to do?"

"I told you I had a good use for this. I'm going to destroy the past."

"You're going to burn the money?"

"Esperanza was right. If we spent it, we'd always feel dirty."

Decker held the bag over the fire.

"A million dollars?" Beth asked.

"Blood money. Would it really matter to you if I burned it?"

"You're testing me?"

The bottom of the bag started smoldering.

"I want to get rid of the past," Decker said.

Beth hesitated. Flames danced along the bottom of the bag.

"Last chance," Decker said.

"Do it," Beth said.

"You're sure?"

"Throw it in the fire." Beth walked toward him. "For us, the past stops right now."

She kissed him. When Decker dropped the bag into the flames, neither of them looked at it. The kiss went on and on. It took Decker's breath away.

DAVID MORRELL is one America's most popular and critically acclaimed storytellers, with more than twelve million copies of his novels in print. His thrillers have been translated into twenty-two languages and have become record-breaking films as well as a top-rated TV miniseries. He is a former professor of American literature at the University of Iowa. He lives in Santa Fe, New Mexico.

Fiction.

First Blood (1972).

Testament (1975) Last Reveille (1977) The Totem (1979).

Blood Oath (1982).

The Hundred-Year Christmas (1983)*

The Brotherhood of the Rose (1984) Rambo (First Blood Part II) (1985).

The Fraternity of the Stone (1985) The League of Night and Fog (1987) Rambo III (1988).

The Fifth Profession (1990) The Covenant of the Flame (1991).

a.s.sumed Ident.i.ty (1993) The Totem (complete and unaltered) (1994)*

Nonfiction.

John Barth: An Introduction (1976).

Fireflies (1988).

*Limited edition with ill.u.s.trations.

Donald M. Grant, Publisher, Hampton Falls, New Hamps.h.i.+re.

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