Tricked Part 29

No, it'll be a much drier place than this. But I'm sure it will have its own charms, as any place does. It will have plenty of room for you to run, unlike at the house in Tempe.

Excellent! Think there will be any French poodles in Many Farms?

I doubt it. Mostly working dogs. They tend sheep up there, you know. Not enough gra.s.sland to support cattle. We can maybe get you a small herd to look after if you like and make lamb sausage.

Oh, I like the sound of that! "Snugglepumpkin's Sausage Farm."

Why not Oberon's? I asked.

We can continue the Great Snugglepumpkin Experiment that way. When all the ladies come to the sausage stand, you will introduce me to them and we can compile mounds of irrefutable data.

Yeesh. I really need to give you another bath.

Maybe so. You were going to tell me a story about a samurai.

I'll probably have to reconsider that. I'm worried about what that story would do to your psyche.

Aww! Hey, you know what, Atticus? Oberon said, rolling right side up, ears perked, bath and story forgotten. I think the clover on the other side of the field looks even more luxurious than this clover right here. I think we should race each other to the other side and wriggle around in that clover to see if it's true. rolling right side up, ears perked, bath and story forgotten. I think the clover on the other side of the field looks even more luxurious than this clover right here. I think we should race each other to the other side and wriggle around in that clover to see if it's true.

Now, that's a hypothesis worth testing! You're on, buddy!

Let's go!

I cannot tell you how wonderful it feels to run when you no longer have to do it.

For Alan O'Bryan, who bravely stands in front of my word vomit and tells me to clean it up.

He is an outstanding alpha reader and the finest of friends.

This is not a trick.

Acknowledgments

Since the first three books came out blam-blam-blam, I never really got a chance to say thanks to the readers. So I want to thank you you, first, for your support of the series, and for buying books, period. Authors don't get to keep writing unless readers buy 'em, and this book wouldn't have been possible without you buying Hounded Hounded way back when and telling your friends to go buy it too. Many of you have said howdy to me on Facebook, Goodreads, Twitter, and on my blog, and I appreciate you taking the trouble! You're all very kind. way back when and telling your friends to go buy it too. Many of you have said howdy to me on Facebook, Goodreads, Twitter, and on my blog, and I appreciate you taking the trouble! You're all very kind.

My family is incredibly supportive and pretends not to notice when I walk around talking to my imaginary friends; thank you for the love.

Tricia Pasternak is my editor at Del Rey, and I think she's five kinds of brilliant. We agree on things like the greatest Metallica song ever recorded and the potential for mayhem inherent in a bag of marshmallows. She is my shepherd through the Valley of the Shadow of Doubt, and I am so grateful for her encouragement, guidance, and the unseen work she does to make each book the best it can be.

Thanks also to the scads o' fabulous people at Del Rey who contribute to the series' success: Mike Braff, Nancy Delia, David Moench, Joe Scalora, Scott Shannon, April Flores, and Gina Wachtel, among many others.

Evan Goldfried, my agent at JGLM, deserves bounteous thanks for all his advice and help.

Thanks to Detective Dana Packer in Rhode Island for tips on how to fake a death scene. Anything that sounds stupid or implausible is entirely my fault, and if you try to fake a death in her jurisdiction she will will find you. find you.

Sincere grat.i.tude to Tammy Gwara for uncomfortable conversations about poison chemistry. She will probably never come over for dinner at my house now.

Mihir Wanchoo is a font of Indian stories, so thanks to him for the heads-up on the very interesting history of Indra.

To the Confederacy of Nerds-Tooth, Martin, Andrew, Alan, and John-thanks for the laughs and the Insanity Points.

As in my other books, I do try to set these fictional events in the real world as much as possible. However, this particular story inserts two more drugstores into Kayenta than it currently has; the town's pharmaceutical needs are handled by the Tribal Health Office. While the Double Dog Dare Gourmet Cafe in Flagstaff is entirely fictional, you can visit the Winter Sun Trading Company, Macy's European coffeehouse, and Granny's Closet "for reals." They're all spiffy places, and writing about them took me back to my happy college days at NAU.

The Navajo creation story, the Dine Bahane' Dine Bahane', is a constantly changing and evolving work meant to be performed orally by a singer and tailored to the audience and purpose for the ceremony. The written versions, therefore, often differ significantly in the details-and my fiction, while based on a couple of well-doc.u.mented accounts, should definitely not be viewed as an authoritative source on the subject, nor should the ceremonial procedures depicted herein be construed as genuine. In some versions of the story there are five worlds instead of four, but since four are taught at Dine College in the Navajo Nation, I went with that. My source for the two Coyotes, the spirits of First World, and more was the version Hastin Tlo'tsi Hee (Old Man Buffalo Gra.s.s) told to Aileen O'Bryan in 1928, originally published as Bulletin 163 of the Bureau of American Ethnology of the Smithsonian Inst.i.tution in 1956, but now available under the t.i.tle Coyotes, the spirits of First World, and more was the version Hastin Tlo'tsi Hee (Old Man Buffalo Gra.s.s) told to Aileen O'Bryan in 1928, originally published as Bulletin 163 of the Bureau of American Ethnology of the Smithsonian Inst.i.tution in 1956, but now available under the t.i.tle Navaho Indian Myths; Navaho Indian Myths; I also consulted the work of Paul G. Zolbrod, I also consulted the work of Paul G. Zolbrod, Dine Bahane' Dine Bahane', published in 1987 by the University of New Mexico Press.

I'm indebted to Karen, Mervyn, and Leah Harvey for helping me out with the p.r.o.nunciation of words in Dine bazaad Dine bazaad, the Navajo language, which you see at the front of the book. Any errors are of course mine and not theirs.

Don't miss the first three books of THE I IRON D DRUID C CHRONICLES by Kevin Hearne Hounded Hexed Hammered

Read on for a preview of the next book in the thrilling IRON DRUID CHRONICLES, Trapped Coming soon from Del Rey Books!

Chapter 1

You know those spastic, full-body twitches you get sometimes when you're almost asleep and your muscles want to play a practical joke on your brain? You startle wide awake and immediately get p.i.s.sed at your nervous system, wondering what the h.e.l.l that that was all about. I've caught myself talking to it before: "d.a.m.n it, Dude,"-yes, I call my nervous system Dude, and the Dude abides-"I was almost asleep, and now you've slain all the sheep I was gonna count." was all about. I've caught myself talking to it before: "d.a.m.n it, Dude,"-yes, I call my nervous system Dude, and the Dude abides-"I was almost asleep, and now you've slain all the sheep I was gonna count."

What I felt as I walked on the Kaibab Plateau was kind of like that, except it was Gaia doing the spastic full-body twitch. It was more of an uncomfortable shudder that I felt through my tattoos, like when you step barefoot into the garage in winter and your nipples pucker up. But as with those nervous muscle spasms, I got irritated about it and wondered what the h.e.l.l was going on. And while I wasn't about to go to sleep, I was about to enjoy the culmination of twelve years of training an apprentice-and save for the first few months of it, I'd conducted it all in peace. Granuaile was finally ready to become a full Druid, and we were searching for a place to bind her to the earth when I felt the tremor. I shot a question to the elemental, Kaibab, in the c.o.c.ktail of feelings and images they use instead of language: //Confusion / Query: What was that?// //Confusion / Uncertainty / Fear// came the reply. That chilled me. I've never heard confusion from an elemental before. The fear, on the other hand, was perfectly normal: Despite their awesome power, elementals are afraid of almost everything, from placer mines to land developers to bark beetles. They can be real scaredy-cats sometimes. But they're never uncertain about what's going on with Gaia. Stopping in my tracks and causing Granuaile and Oberon to turn and look at me quizzically, I asked Kaibab what there was to fear.

//Plane across ocean / Early death / Burning / Burning / Burning// Well, that confused me too. Kaibab wasn't talking about an airplane. He (or she, if Granuaile was talking) meant an entire plane of existence, a plane that was tied to earth somewhere on the other side of the globe. //Query: Which plane?// //Name unknown / G.o.d from plane seeks you / Urgent / Query: Tell him location?// //Query: Which G.o.d?// The answer to that would tell me what plane was burning. There was a pause, during which time I stalled with Granuaile and Oberon. "Something's up with Kaibab. Hold on." They knew better than to interrupt, and they took this news as an invitation to be on their guard, which was wise. Anything worrisome to the avatar of the environment you currently occupy should rouse you to a caffeinated state of paranoia.

//G.o.d's name: Perun// Kaibab finally said.

Almost unconsciously, I sent //Shock// in reply, because it was truly my reaction. The Slavic plane of existence was burning, perhaps even dead? How? Why? I hoped Perun would have the answers. If he sought me in hopes that I had them, we'd both be disappointed. //Yes / Tell Perun location// I'd also like to know how Perun even knew to ask for me-did someone tell him I'd faked my death twelve years ago? There was another pause, during which I filled in Granuaile and Oberon. me-did someone tell him I'd faked my death twelve years ago? There was another pause, during which I filled in Granuaile and Oberon.

Hey, isn't Perun that hairy guy you told me about who can turn into an eagle? Oberon asked.

Yep, that's the one.

I've always wondered why he doesn't s.h.i.+ll for shaving cream or razors with twenty-five ultrathin vibrating blades. He'd revive the steel industry based on razor sales alone.

I don't know why, but perhaps you'll get a chance to ask him.

//He comes// Kaibab said. //Fast// "Okay, incoming," I said out loud.

"Incoming what, Atticus?" Granuaile asked.

"Incoming thunder G.o.d. We should move near a tree and get ready to s.h.i.+ft away to Tir na nog if necessary. And get the fulgurites out." Fulgurites would protect us from lightning strikes; Perun had given them to us himself when Granuaile was just starting her training, but we hadn't worn them for years, since all the thunder G.o.ds thought I was dead.

"You think Perun is going to take a shot at us?" Granuaile asked. She shrugged off her red backpack and unzipped the pouch containing the fulgurites.

"Well, no, but...maybe. I don't know what's going on, really. When in doubt, know your way out, I always say."

"I thought you always said, 'When in doubt, blame the dark elves.'"

"Well, yeah, that too."

I don't think those are very practical solutions to doubt, Oberon said. They don't leave you feeling satisfied. "When in doubt, eat your neighbor's lunch" is better, because then you would at least be full.

We stood in a meadow of bunch gra.s.s and clover. The sky washed us in cerulean blue and the sun kissed Granuaile's red hair with gold, the black dye we'd worn for years washed away, and Oberon looked like he wanted to plop down and bask in the light for a while. Our backpacks were weighted down with camping gear that we'd bought at Peace Surplus in Flagstaff, but after Granuaile retrieved the fulgurites, we jogged over as best we could to the nearest stand of ponderosa pine trees. I confirmed that there was a functioning tether to Tir na nog there and then started to look up for signs of Perun's arrival. sky washed us in cerulean blue and the sun kissed Granuaile's red hair with gold, the black dye we'd worn for years washed away, and Oberon looked like he wanted to plop down and bask in the light for a while. Our backpacks were weighted down with camping gear that we'd bought at Peace Surplus in Flagstaff, but after Granuaile retrieved the fulgurites, we jogged over as best we could to the nearest stand of ponderosa pine trees. I confirmed that there was a functioning tether to Tir na nog there and then started to look up for signs of Perun's arrival.

Granuaile noticed and craned her neck upward. "What's up there, sensei?" she wondered aloud. "I don't see anything but sky."

"I'm looking for Perun. I'm a.s.suming he's going to fly in. There, see?" I pointed to a dark streak trailed by lightning bolts in the northwestern sky. And behind that, at a distance of perhaps five to ten miles-I couldn't tell from so far away-burned an orange ball of fire.

Granuaile squinted. "What's that thing that looks like the Phoenix Suns logo? Is that him?"

"No, Perun is in front of it, throwing all the lightning."

"Oh, so what is it? A meteor or a cherub or something?"

"Or something. It doesn't look friendly. That's not a warm, cozy hearth fire that you gather 'round with your friends to read some Longfellow while you toast s'mores. That's more like napalm with a heart of phosphorus and a side of h.e.l.l sauce." The lightning and the fireball were turning in the sky and heading directly our way.

Um. Hey, Atticus, think we should try that escape route just to make sure it works? Oberon said.

I hear ya, buddy. I'm ready to scoot too. But let's see if we can talk to Perun first.

The sky darkened and boomed above. Everything shuddered; Perun was traveling at supersonic speeds. He crashed heavily into the meadow about fifty yards away from us, and large chunks of turf exploded around a newly formed crater. I felt the impact in my feet, and a wave of displaced air knocked me backward a bit. Before the turf could fall back to earth, a heavily muscled figure carpeted in hair bounded out of it toward us, panic writ large on his features. shuddered; Perun was traveling at supersonic speeds. He crashed heavily into the meadow about fifty yards away from us, and large chunks of turf exploded around a newly formed crater. I felt the impact in my feet, and a wave of displaced air knocked me backward a bit. Before the turf could fall back to earth, a heavily muscled figure carpeted in hair bounded out of it toward us, panic writ large on his features.

"Atticus! We must flee this plane! Is not safe! Take me-save me!"

Normally, thunder G.o.ds are not p.r.o.ne to panic. The ability to blast away problems tends to turn the jagged edges of fear into silly little pillows of insouciance. So when an utter bada.s.s like Perun looks like he's about to soil himself, I hope I can be forgiven if I nearly shat kine-especially when the fireball whoomped whoomped into the crater Perun had just vacated and sucked all the oxygen out of my lungs. into the crater Perun had just vacated and sucked all the oxygen out of my lungs.

Granuaile ducked and shrieked in surprise; Oberon whimpered; Perun was tossed through the air toward us like a stuntman in a Michael Bay film. But upon rolling through the landing gracefully, he leapt back up again, his legs churning toward us.

Behind Perun, the fire didn't spread but rather began to shrink and coalesce and...laugh. A high, thin, maniacal laugh straight out of creepy cartoons. And the fire swirled, torus-like, around a figure twelve feet tall, until it gradually wicked out and left a lean giant with a narrow face standing fifty yards before us, his orange and yellow hair starting from his skull like a sunburst. The grin on his face wasn't the affable, friendly sort; instead, it was the sociopathic rictus of the irretrievably, bug-f.u.c.keringly insane.

His eyes were the worst. They were melted around the edges as if they'd been burned with acid, and where a normal person would have laugh lines or crow's feet around them, he had bubbly pink scars and a nightmare of blistered tissue. The whites of his eyes were a red mist of broken blood vessels, but the irises were an ice blue frosted with madness. He blinked them savagely, as if he'd gotten soap into them or something, and soon I recognized it as a nervous tic, since his head jerked to his right at odd intervals and then continued to twitch uncertainly afterward, like a bobblehead doll. around them, he had bubbly pink scars and a nightmare of blistered tissue. The whites of his eyes were a red mist of broken blood vessels, but the irises were an ice blue frosted with madness. He blinked them savagely, as if he'd gotten soap into them or something, and soon I recognized it as a nervous tic, since his head jerked to his right at odd intervals and then continued to twitch uncertainly afterward, like a bobblehead doll.

"Go, my friend, go! We must flee!" Perun said, huffing as he reached us and putting one hand on my shoulder and another on the pine. Granuaile followed suit; she knew the drill, and so did Oberon, who reared up on his hind legs and leaned one paw against me and the other on the tree.

"Who in h.e.l.l is that, Perun?" I said.

The giant laughed again and I shuddered involuntarily. His voice was smooth and fluffy like marshmallow creme, if the creme also had shards of gla.s.s in it. But he had a thick Scandinavian accent to go with the nervous tic.

"This puh-puh-place-is Mah, Merrica, yes?"

A twitch, a stutter, and and an English-language learner. He'd drive me insane just listening to him. "Yes," I replied. an English-language learner. He'd drive me insane just listening to him. "Yes," I replied.

"Hah? Who? Thppt! Raah! Thppt! Raah!" He spat a fire loogie and shook his head violently. Perhaps this was more than a twitch. It might be full-blown Tourette's syndrome. Or it might be something else, as the signs all pointed to a highly unpleasant conclusion.

"Who gah-guh-G.o.ds here?" He giggled to himself after this, pleased that he'd managed to ask the question. There was a disturbingly high squealing noise coming from his head, like the sound of fat screaming in a frying pan or when you let the air slowly out of a balloon. The giant rested his hands on his knees and scrunched up his shoulders in an attempt to steady his noggin, but this produced the unsettling effect of turning his flamelike hair to actual flames. The noise intensified. noggin, but this produced the unsettling effect of turning his flamelike hair to actual flames. The noise intensified.

"You are a G.o.d here," I said, taking an educated guess. I could have confirmed this by looking at him in the magical spectrum, but there was no need. There wasn't much else that Perun would fear. "But I don't know which one. Who are you?"

The giant threw back his head and roared in delight, clapping like a child and high-stepping as if I'd asked him if he wanted ice cream. My jaw dropped, and Granuaile muttered a bewildered "What the f.u.c.k," which mirrored my own thoughts. What had happened to his mind?

Perun chucked me urgently on the shoulder. "Atticus, is Loki! He is free. We must go. Is smart thing to do."

"G.o.ds Below," I breathed, gooseflesh rising on my arms. I'd feared it was him once I saw the eyes, but I'd also clung to the hope that he was something a bit less apocalyptic, like an escaped military experiment along the lines of Sharktopus. Instead, Loki, the Old Norse villain of the Eddas Eddas, whose release from captivity heralded the start of Ragnarok, was unbound and ready to paint the town bats.h.i.+t.

Listen to the hairy guy, Atticus. Tall, scarred, and fiery there is Stranger Danger if I ever saw it.

Perun and Oberon were right, the smart thing to do would be to leave. But the smarter thing to do would be to get Loki to leave too. I didn't want to scarper off and leave Kaibab at his mercy; I wanted Loki off this plane as quickly as possible. Time to lie to the G.o.d of lies.

"I am Eldhar," I called out to him in Old Norse. His laughter, already dying out, choked off abruptly and he focused those blue-and-blood eyes on me. The name was one I'd used before: It meant "flame hair" in Old Norse, and I'd employed it years ago when I'd gone to Asgard to steal a golden apple. "I am a construct of the dwarfs of Nidavellir." Tapping into my adrenaline and an older, more primitive part of my psyche, I smiled at the giant in the same disconcerting way he had smiled at us. "Glad am I that you are free, Loki, for that means your wife is free also, and I was built specifically to destroy her and all your sp.a.w.n. I will behead the serpent. Eviscerate the wolf. And as for Hel...even the queen of death can die." I laughed menacingly, hoped that it was convincing, and thought that would serve as a good exit line. Asgard to steal a golden apple. "I am a construct of the dwarfs of Nidavellir." Tapping into my adrenaline and an older, more primitive part of my psyche, I smiled at the giant in the same disconcerting way he had smiled at us. "Glad am I that you are free, Loki, for that means your wife is free also, and I was built specifically to destroy her and all your sp.a.w.n. I will behead the serpent. Eviscerate the wolf. And as for Hel...even the queen of death can die." I laughed menacingly, hoped that it was convincing, and thought that would serve as a good exit line.

Without giving him a chance to respond, I pulled my center along the tether to Tir na nog, bringing Granuaile, Oberon, and Perun with me, s.h.i.+fting us safely away from earth and leaving Loki to consider how to address this new problem. Hopefully he'd return to the Norse plane and start asking questions-and hopefully the dwarfs had fire insurance.

I had plenty of questions for Perun-like how had Loki gained entrance to the Slavic plane, what was Hel up to now, and where was Fenris-but foremost among them was finding out what idiot had thought it a good idea to teach an old G.o.d of mischief how to speak English.