An Irish Country Christmas Part 36

"Donal, I've already told you I don't want to know how you're going to make it work."

"And I'm not for telling you, sir, but I will tell you about the dead dog."

"I'm all ears."

Donal grinned, showing his buckteeth. "There was a man away out in County Kerry . . ."

"Och, Jesus, Donal. Not another Kerryman joke?" O'Reilly curled his lip. He'd heard enough the-Irish-are-stupid jokes told by other nationalities and more than enough Kerrymen-are-stupid jokes told by other Irishmen.

"Not at all, sir. This story'll show you the exact opposite, so it will."

"That Kerrymen are clever?"

"Aye."

O'Reilly waited.

"There was a dog man out in County Kerry. He'd bought a mailorder greyhound for sixty pounds from a fellah in Dublin. When the dog arrived in Kerry it was dead, and your fellah needed to recover his sixty quid. He got it back by raffling the corpse."

"Donal, why would anybody buy a ticket when the prize was a dead greyhound?"

"Doctor O'Reilly, why would anybody buy a ticket for a dead turkey when you and I both already know who has the winning ticket? Number forty-four forty-four-that there's it-and it's going to be a big win, so it is."

The answer to Donal's question about why anybody would buy a ticket was obvious, O'Reilly thought. They didn't know the raffle was rigged. But they did know that there was a chance for a turkey and that seventy-five percent of the take would go to the holder of the winning ticket if all the numbers were the same. One thing was still unclear. "How do you know that it'll be a big win?" he asked.

Donal grinned, his buckteeth large in his mouth. "I got the tickets from the printer on Sat.u.r.day, and I rounded up a clatter of the lads from the Highlanders for my salesmen."

O'Reilly could picture Donal recruiting fellow members of his pipe band.

"They've been working away like beavers and there's hardly a ticket left, so there's not. They're selling like the ones the fellah sold on the dead dog out in Kerry."

"Good man ma da," O'Reilly said. "Have you any at all left?"

Donal dropped a hand to his pocket and pulled out a few green tickets. He frowned as he offered them to O'Reilly. "There's a few, but why would you buy any when you know they can't possibly win?"

"Och," said O'Reilly, "put it down to the Christmas spirit. Folks would think it strange if I'd not bought mine like everyone else."

"Boys-a-boys," Donal said, respect in his voice, "but you're quare and sharp, Doctor. You're near as sharp as the fellah with the dead dog."

"Give me five." He gave Donal a five-pound note. Donal pocketed the money.

"Thanks, Doc. Now like I was saying, when the Dubliner that sold the dog took it to the station to put it on the train to Kerry, what do you think he saw when he opened up the basket the dog was in?"

"You've already told me the story's about a dog that's dead."

"As mutton, sir. But the Dublin man reckoned he could get away with it. Sure wasn't it only one of those thick Kerrymen he was dealing with? For one thing he'd be too stupid to s.h.i.+p the animal back and demand a refund." Donal held out his hand. "While I'm on about giving things back, give me the stubs, sir, and when you give Eileen her ticket, keep the stub for me. It can't win if it doesn't go into the hat."

"Fair enough." O'Reilly pulled out his wallet and put 4444 safely away. The other five he tore in two, gave Donal the stubs, and slipped the tickets into his jacket pocket. "Go on about the dead dog."

"The Dubliner reckons he can swear blind that it was alive when he put it on board. The Kerryman will have to believe the story, and if he wants his money back will have to chase after the railway company for damages and that could take forever. On goes the dog. Away goes the train."

O'Reilly smiled. "Go on."

"Meanwhile, the Kerryman has been telling all his pals at the pub about the wonderful dog. 'Begob,' says he, looking at the pub clock, 'it's tree tirty-tree.' "

O'Reilly marveled at how easily Donal slipped from his native North Down accent to the singsong cadences of the southwest of Ireland where, because there is no "aitch" sound in the Irish language, none is p.r.o.nounced when English is spoken.

" 'Time I was off to the station to meet the four o'clock from Dublin,' he says. He gets there, takes off the basket, opens it, and . . ." Donal started back. His eyes widened. His voice dropped to a whisper. " 'Holy tundering mother of the sainted Jasus Christ himself, and all the saints above! The poor wee doggy's dead . . . ' "

If Donal ever lost his job as a labourer, O'Reilly thought, he'd have no trouble finding work in the theatre. The man was a consummate actor.

" 'And me out of pocket sixty pounds.' But then"-Donal winked-"he has a wonderful notion. He closes up the basket. 'Seamus,' says he to the stationmaster, 'will you mind this basket for a wee while for me 'til I send a man round to collect it?' 'Aye, certainly.' 'And, Seamus, don't you let on it came in on this train. Tell the fellah it's off the six.' Then the Kerryman hoofs it back to the pub. The lads there are all agog to see the dog."

O'Reilly started to chuckle. "Pay me no heed, Donal. Go on."

" 'Och,' says our hero, 'it'll not be here until the next train.' He takes a long pause, then says he, 'And I've been thinking on it. I'm getting a bit long in the tooth to be running such a grand dog so I've decided to raffle it. The winner can pick it up at the station off the six o'clock from Dublin.' "

O'Reilly nodded.

" 'Two pound a ticket,' he says, and collects up the money from about forty men. They have the draw there and then. A lad from Knock-agashel wins, and about five thirty off he trots to collect the dog."

"The recently late dog."

"Aye. The dear departed. Stiff as a plank. By now it's six thirty, and our lad's been home for half an hour when there's a powerful dundering on his door. It's the winner. 'You gobs.h.i.+te,' roars he. 'The f.e.c.kin' dog's dead.' 'Jasus,' says our man. 'Dead is it? Dead?'

" 'As a f.e.c.kin' dodo. You sold me a pig in a f.e.c.kin' poke, you buck eejit.' "

" 'Tut,' says he, 'tut, tut, tut. Your man in Dublin swore he'd dispatched it alive.' "

" 'Well, the f.e.c.kin' thing's dead. I have it outside in the basket. Do you want to see it?' "

" 'No, I believe you. Lord, but that's very sad.' And he looks all soulful. 'I'll not see you wrong,' says he. 'Not for one minute.' "

" 'All right then,' says the man from Knock-agashel, and that's a brave ways away. The whole story may never get back, our hero reckons."

Donal stopped, fixed O'Reilly with a stare, and waited. Then, keeping his face expressionless, he said, "He pulls out three pounds from his pocket. 'The least I can do is refund you your stake, and an extra pound for your disappointment.' 'Grand, so,' says the Knock-agashel fellah. 'I'll be off now and no offence taken.' "

Donal stopped and raised one eyebrow. "Now what do you think, Doctor? Was that Kerryman not a clever one?"

Before he had stopped laughing O'Reilly had to wipe his eyes with a large handkerchief. "He was indeed, Donal, and you were right about another thing too. There is more than one way to make money from a fixed raffle . . . but the principle's the same."

"How come?"

"The fellahs in the pub didn't know the dog was dead. n.o.body except us and Johnny knows ours is rigged. So no more telling folks like you told Johnny. All right?"

"Mum's the word, sir."

"Good. Jasus, but that was a grand story." O'Reilly still had to chuckle. Donal had painted the scene so vividly. "If it was the films you were in, you'd have won an Oscar."

Donal smiled his mooncalf smile, a sure token he was pleased by O'Reilly's praise.

O'Reilly clapped Donal on the shoulder. "Now run away with you, Donal Donnelly, and give my love to Julie."

"I will, Doc, and don't you worry. Eileen will be one turkey and maybe a hundred quid better off come next Wednesday."

O'Reilly still had a smile on his face as he saw Donal out.

The next two patients shouldn't take long, he thought. And then lunch. Bread and b.l.o.o.d.y cheese. It might as well be bread and water. Still, he brightened at the thought, the Cotter's Kitchen would be open when he got to the city, and they did very tasty snacks.

He knew he shouldn't complain about Kinky's dietary restrictions on his behalf when he thought of how Eileen Lindsay must be struggling to feed her family on her s.h.i.+fter's wages. He sighed. He couldn't help her earn more, but at least her kiddies would get their presents from Santa courtesy of Donal Donnelly and a dead bird. He chuckled and shook his head. That Donal was funny, amoral, and another thing about the lad, the way he kept knocking Julie up, he didn't need any of Fitzpatrick's gunpowder to put lead in his pencil.

O'Reilly walked along the hall.

The only thing gunpowder should be used for, and smokeless powder at that, was to make shotgun cartridges. While he was in Belfast, he'd pick up a couple of boxes of Eley-Kynoch 5 shot from Braddel's the gunsmith in the Cornmarket. It would be silly to run out of shot two days from now when he and Arthur Guinness would go to Strangford Lough for a day's wildfowling. That was something he was really looking forward to.

He hardly recognized that he'd had to stop whistling "Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah" to yell, "Next." into the almost deserted waiting room.

The Pelting of This Pitiless Storm.

O'Reilly huddled behind the wall of a semi-collapsed sheep cot halfway along Gransha Point, a dogleg-shaped peninsula sticking out into the waters of Strangford Lough. He could hear both the swis.h.i.+ng in the gra.s.s outside as it thrashed, and bent, and swayed, and the regular grinding sounds of waves breaking on the s.h.i.+ngle of the nearby sh.o.r.e.

He wore a waterproof insulated jacket over a thick oiled-wool Bainin sweater, a woollen s.h.i.+rt, and string underwear. He had draped a folded towel around his neck under his s.h.i.+rt for extra waterproofing. His thigh waders covered tweed trousers that were tucked into sea-boot stockings worn over silk socks. The added layer made the rubber boots a tight fit. His soft-crowned tweed Paddy hat was pulled down to cover the tops of his ears.

He felt as inflated as the Michelin Man, but despite his layers he still s.h.i.+vered. The barrels of his twelve-bore shotgun chilled his left hand.

The gale from the south had blown up last night. In the predawn, the Lough was living up to its old Viking name, Strangfjorthr, the turbulent fjord. It was ill-tempered, dark, and bl.u.s.tering, and a far cry from its well-mannered summer self of calm blue waters dotted with silent islands. That was the face it usually showed, the one that had caused the native Irish to name the inlet Lough Cuan, the peaceful lough.

Sometimes O'Reilly thought of the place as a high-spirited woman who changed her moods as the winds blew. Changeable. He hummed a few bars of "La donna e mobile"-woman is fickle-and remembered sitting with Deidre listening to Rigoletto, from which the piece came, on his old 78s.

She'd been like that. Calm, serene, loving. But if he annoyed her, usually by being thoughtless, she had a temper that could send chills through him as the wind today was sending icy fingers through the cracks between the wall's wet stones. He shuddered and gripped his gun more tightly when a gust charged through the entrance to swirl and batter, then die within. Deidre's temper would build until he apologized, and then he'd hold her and she'd say she was sorry too.

Her smile then would be as friendly as the lights of a farmhouse across the bay. The folks over there would be up, he thought, the range lit, the kettle on for the tea, bacon sizzling in the pan. He'd not mind a bacon sandwich now.

The glow of the lights was masked. He knew their disappearance would mark the arrival of a rain squall sweeping in from the open sea. When it had pa.s.sed, the lights would s.h.i.+ne again. If only she would. If only. How often, he wondered, had he told other people there was no profit in ploughing the same furrow twice? He must stop dwelling on the past.

O'Reilly looked at the dark outline of Arthur. It didn't seem like twelve years had pa.s.sed since O'Reilly had brought home a wriggling, chubby black ball, who'd chewed his master's slippers and buried his favorite pipe in the vegetable garden.

Buying the pup had been Kinky's suggestion. She was a very astute woman, was Kinky Kincaid. She'd known that in his role as the village doctor, O'Reilly could not allow himself to develop deep friends.h.i.+ps but must maintain a certain professional distance. Nor were there many opportunities for female companions.h.i.+p. She'd sensed O'Reilly's need, and she'd been right in her prescription. Arthur-clumsy, good-natured, as fond of his Smithwicks as O'Reilly was of his Jameson-had been a staunch companion and loyal friend.

He bent and patted the dog. "For a while there, you big lump, you were my only friend." At least until the marquis and O'Reilly had grown closer, initially because of their work for the Rugby Club. Arthur looked up but rapidly looked away, as if to say, "Don't interrupt me. I'm busy."

O'Reilly noticed that the dog was sitting alertly, nose twitching, collecting the scents brought in on the wind. Arthur would smell all manner of things, but all O'Reilly could detect was the salty tang from the seash.o.r.e.

Arthur whimpered, stiffened, and stared straight out through the opening and into the teeth of the gale.

O'Reilly strained to hear over the wind's keening. Yes. His grip on the gun tightened. Yes. He could hear a whicker of pinions. Closer. Closer. He slipped the safety catch off. He stared and against the grayness of the false dawn sky saw three darker shapes like flying beer bottles hurtling head-on down the wind. As the ducks raced overhead, he hunched low, hiding behind the stones, holding his breath until he selected a target, straightened, and in one fluid movement brought the b.u.t.t of the shotgun against his right shoulder, swung to lead the bird, and squeezed the trigger for the right barrel.

It seemed as if no time pa.s.sed between the crash of the shot, the frantic flaring of two birds as in panic they clawed for alt.i.tude, and the fall of the third, its wings folded, its neck bent back. So rapidly did the wind carry the survivors to safety, there was no time for him to fire the second barrel.

O'Reilly sensed rather than heard the thump as his quarry hit the turf forty yards out from his hide.

Arthur was trembling, tensed like a panther ready to spring.

"Hi lost, boy."

The dog raced out of the cot.

O'Reilly broke the gun, extracted the spent cartridge, fished a new one out of his jacket pocket, reloaded, closed the breech, and put on the safety catch. He stared out over the rear wall, now able to see Arthur more clearly as the light grew brighter. He knew that the sun, even if it was hidden behind clouds, would be over the horizon and climbing behind the low hills inland.

He watched Arthur stop, lower his head, and then straighten with the duck in his mouth. Head and bird held high, tail thras.h.i.+ng, Arthur trotted proudly back. O'Reilly turned to face the entrance as Arthur came into the cot, sat without bidding at his master's feet, and presented him with a plump drake mallard.

O'Reilly took the bird. "Good boy." He patted Arthur's head. "That's better than a Wellington boot, isn't it? Go on now, lie down."

Arthur wandered over to a sheltered corner, flopped, and laid his square head on his outstretched paws. The look on his face could only be described as one of pure contentment. The American author Robert Ruark had been right, O'Reilly thought. There is no happier animal than a gun dog in bird season.

O'Reilly picked up a gamebag from the corner where he'd left it and put the duck into the outer string-mesh pouch. Inside the inner canvas pouch were half a dozen cold fried Cookstown sausages in b.u.t.tered bridge rolls that Kinky had put up for him and wrapped in greaseproof paper before she went to bed the night before. Kinky would have no truck with any other brand of sausages. A large thermos held the coffee he'd brewed for himself this morning.

He felt the sting of rain on his face as a sudden squall hit. You're daft, Fingal O'Reilly, he told himself. Mad as a flaming hatter. Why would any man in his right mind be out in this b.l.o.o.d.y awful weather with no company but a black Labrador who's as crazy as you are?

And it wasn't a difficult question for him to answer. It was what he'd tried to tell Barry. The place gave him time away from his everyday world.

No matter how inured a doctor thought he had become to the suffering of his patients, any physician worth his salt still worried about them, particularly the really ill ones. There was often recompense from them in their grat.i.tude, but not always. Some became hostile and angry when their physician failed to meet their sometimes hopelessly exaggerated expectations.

He smiled to himself. He'd told Barry the day he arrived in Ballybucklebo that the first law of medicine was never to let the patients get the upper hand. But there'd been one or two occasions lately when the redoubtable Doctor Fingal Flahertie O'Reilly had failed to obey his own laws.

Thank G.o.d they were only a small percentage of the practice, but there were a few patients who would try the patience of Job. The ones who made thoughtless demands for attention, often at night, for trivial complaints.

He'd not got back to bed until two o'clock this morning because Seamus Corrigan, a farm labourer who lived in a two-room cottage about three miles from the Gillespies' farm, had staved a finger on Tuesday mending a drystone wall. For four days he'd had every opportunity to come to the surgery, but no, the boul' Seamus had got a skinfull last night at the Duck, decided his finger was broken, phoned at twelve-thirty, and demanded a home visit.

O'Reilly had examined the man, strapped the finger-strained or broken, the treatment was the same-and driven home in a foul temper, convinced his own blood pressure had gone up about twenty points. Seamus was d.a.m.n lucky he hadn't acquired a broken neck. It had been a b.l.o.o.d.y good thing O'Reilly had planned to be on the Lough this morning, although he was keenly aware that Seamus had deprived him of what little sleep the early rising would allow; he'd had to get up at four to get to Strangford in time for the dawn flight.

Would Seamus have been as disturbed about his finger if the telephone hadn't been invented and he had to walk or cycle through the gale to the surgery? Sometimes the telephone was a b.l.o.o.d.y menace. It ruled doctors' lives.

He certainly took great pains to conceal it from Kinky and Barry, but every time the b.l.o.o.d.y thing rang O'Reilly flinched until he could determine whether it was a social call or yet another medical emergency to sort out.

It was all part and parcel of his chosen career, O'Reilly knew, but all the petty irritations, all the strains, built and acc.u.mulated until like an overloaded steam engine, O'Reilly knew he needed to open his safety valve.

Some men could find that solace in the arms of their wives. He found his in this wild place where no telephones ever rang, no babies died of pneumonia, and no arrangements had to be made to s.h.i.+p distraught, pregnant, out-of-wedlock teenagers to England. Nothing of the mundane could intrude, and he could enjoy the solitude and the raw undistilled beauty of the place.

The truth was he didn't really care if he never fired a shot. The ducks were simply his excuse to come here despite the cold and the gale. He flinched as water trickled under his towel and down his back.

The last shower had pa.s.sed by and the dawn was breaking. O'Reilly turned to look inland along the peninsula's length. A gap appeared in the clouds as the sun's upper rim, chrome yellow, climbed over the hills. The light of the day brightened as the narrow sliver grew into a great disk, its colour changing to an incandescent orange that painted the clouds with screaming scarlet. The earlier invisible gra.s.ses, now green with punctuation marks of russet benweeds, bowed and swayed and danced their saraband.